SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DT

My H is very aware of the damage and trauma he caused. He will say every so often - thank you for not D me or I’m glad you were willing to R.

Trumansworld

Do I love him? Yes. But it will never be the same way it was prior to the affair.

Since his confession I have found it painful when he says ILY. I will confirm with a nod or a hug, but I find myself unable to say it back to him. I wasn't sure he even noticed until yesterday. He woke up and asked me if he had ruined everything. If my love for him could ever be the same. We had a good talk. "No love, it can never be the same".

I ran across this poem online. Kind of summed it up.

That Day

Right in the middle of our life, on an ordinary day, the unthinkable happened. Everything went from ordinary to chaotic and there I stood, in the mess of it all, knowing there will now forever be a before and an after.

That Day

Sharyn Marsh

Leave Her Wild

I find this post to be so poignant. The poem especially so. Thank you.

As an aside, it always amazes me when ws's say a version of what your wh said to you,

"He woke up and asked me if he had ruined everything. If my love for him could ever be the same. "

Its almost like some kind of blinders fall off of their eyes and they suddenly see things as they truly are, marred permanently by their own hand.

Thanks for contributing. I wish you well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:37 PM, Tuesday, November 5th]

The1stWife

DT

My H is very aware of the damage and trauma he caused. He will say every so often - thank you for not D me or I’m glad you were willing to R.

I am happy for you that he is this forthcoming with empathy. I hope that every tim you hear it, a bit more healing comes to your heart. Ill also tell you I envy you a tad as I never heard a version of this. She just rug swept it (and I put up with it).

Continued success to you both.

Thanks for replying to my question.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:40 PM, Tuesday, November 5th]

Thank you DT. I know I am one of the lucky ones in that we survived it and we are very happily reconciled.

I think my H shown me the past few years how truly invested he is in our marriage etc. and is grateful he didn’t end up seeing his kids part time.

It took me a long time to forgive. It did not come easy. But if he had done the backsliding and shady stuff ever again, he knew it would be over in an instant.

There are no more chances and I’m no longer the doormat I once was.

The1stWife

Glad you reached a place of healing and fulfillment again.

I affirm this:

if he had done the backsliding and shady stuff ever again, he knew it would be over in an instant.

There are no more chances and I’m no longer the doormat I once was.

Be happy and stay strong (and vigilant).

I am not vigilant. I gave it up years ago.

I decided I’m not the marriage police. It’s not my job to have to treat him like a kid and police him.

However I also know that if I ever decide the marriage no longer works - it’s over. I don’t need a reason like he’s cheated or some concrete proof of "a reason". I’m beyond that.

He knows if I even suspect he’s cheated or lied, this marriage ends immediately. So it’s up to him to do the right thing. Period.

I don’t look at his texts or emails or check up on him. I don’t have to. We both work from home so I know where he is lol 😆.

But I think he learned a few things as the result if his affair. One of them being no one can make you happy — if you are not happy on your own then you need to fix that. The ego boost from others is short lived and fleeting. And if that is what you need, then you should not be married so you are free to chase that happiness.

Wait? What? Are we going to discuss the nature of love????? Let me see ... is there a relevant guideline ... Yikes! We may need more space on a server!

The1stWife

I don’t look at his texts or emails or check up on him. I don’t have to. We both work from home so I know where he is lol 😆.

But I think he learned a few things as the result if his affair. One of them being no one can make you happy — if you are not happy on your own then you need to fix that. The ego boost from others is short lived and fleeting. And if that is what you need, then you should not be married so you are free to chase that happiness.

Understood. I didnt really mean that you were actively digging into his activities, more that your eyes remain wide open, which they clearly are.

I agree with the what it takes to be happy.

Thanks again.

Once again, everyone's perspective on this matter has given me much to mull over.

I am a big personal responsibility guy. I can only influence that which is within my sphere of control. As it pertains to giving and receiving claims of "love" in the context of revealed infidelity, personal responsibility is still a majorative factor imo.

We are stewards of the love that we offer/give to others, particularly that which we give to our to our spouses. When they shatter their worthiness to be entrusted with that love, it should be no shock to them that they are cut off from that previously-offered love (yet, many times they still are).

Conversely, when the "love" that the ws has claimed for the bs is placed under harsh light of verified truth, many times on the heels of deception and misdirection, it should be no shock that it is completely rejected by the bs. As one well-known poster on this site said after the ws affirmed their love post dday in essence, "Stop lying to yourself and me, its not helpful in any way (to R efforts).

And yet, love is needed. Love is desired. Love still makes the world go 'round.

My advice, just because your love for the ws hasnt kept them from committing the most unloving act possible sans murder and their "love" claims have been revealed to be empty and void of the most important core components (faithfulness, loyalty, marital committment), doesnt mean it can never be found again, either with them through true R, or, as in my case, with someone far more worthy of your love.

Fight becoming jaded. Dont "throw the baby out with the bath water", so to speak.

Anyway, these are my morning musings.

Have a great day.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:25 PM, Thursday, November 7th]

Terribly high cost aside, Im happy for you. Truly.

Thanks. It is not like there was any option that did not involve a high cost in one form or another.

BS always pay a high cost especially when considering agency was taken from us. No BS chooses this. Our ability to make choices come after the damage is already done. The BS choices all suck, but if you work on healing you can emerge with an equal number of things that are individually positive. It does take years, but it is possible. Our WS did this because they are broken, selfish and are indifferent to us when they made these hurtful choices.

Overall I feel I am in a good spot today. I love myself, my life and I know I survived something not everyone can. My integrity, character and values are still in alignment. I know that had I not fought like I did my family would not be together today.

You asked what I wanted after his affair, in terms of being told I love you.

I mostly accepted it to be his truth. It didn’t change that I didn’t feel loved the way I wanted to be. But generally speaking I think he believed it to be true. I often said it back. Had we divorced I think it would have been amicable. The marriage was a dumpster fire but we had a long shared history, kids we both love, etc.

Love means a lot of things and he and I are a family, part of a bigger family that we created together. Did I ever say mean things back when he said it? Of course, I mean was he loving me while exposing me to possible STDs? No. But him saying it to me didn’t carry a lot of weight in either direction.

Thing is I still loved him. I think that will always be true if we part paths. But it was a family kind of love for various periods of our recovery. I am in romantic love with him today.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:25 AM, Friday, November 8th]

Hikingout

Thanks again for your response.

The marriage was a dumpster fire but we had a long shared history, kids we both love, etc.

I get this to a degree. We had not been married nearly as long and our R was not successful but shared history and the fact that we had young chikdren weighed heavily on me. Sadly, love claims post Dday were......warped?....perceived as void of meaning and veracity?...thin? Its hard to describe.

Regardless, love died in both of our hearts (it sure did in mine)...just another casualty.

Thing is I still loved him. I think that will always be true if we part paths. But it was a family kind of love for various periods of our recovery. I am in romantic love with him today.

This really is a tribute to the strength of love. After all you two had been through and done to one another, love was not completely uprooted/destroyed. Pretty stunning really.

Tragically, we never recovered and love was killed as surely as a rose sprayed with round up. Really sad as prior I honstly thought we loved and were "in love". I was very very wrong and a young marriage and family died a sad death. I compounded this by living with this dried out, loveless husk of a marriage for a decade. What a waste of love and life.

Continued love and fulfillment to you both.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:30 PM, Friday, November 8th]