SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for some words of help anyone with simular experience Recently found out my husband of 7 years has been using escorts for the last few years. We where what I thought happily married living a great lifestyle with our 2 children (and currently pregnant with number 3) - minus the fact that addmitadly for a young couple my sex drive was incredibly low and I definitely made false promises and deprived him of this (not blaming myself but its the truth) I have gone through all the hurt and complete devastation I do feel like a broken woman. I'm trying to work out how to deal with this. He was been nothing but absolutely remorseful and supporting and is so concerned about my health mentally. He says it was never emotional it was just a physical release from him after porn seemed to not be doing it for him. He thinks he has a sex addiction and while I have been away he has already started a councelling session and is continuing to do so. He completely blames himself and has realised he has neglected to show my love on a daily basis and how much hurt he has caused our family. We had a great life together and has been my only partner, the children's lifestyle was amazing because of him working 6 days a week to provide us with a extremely happy and amazing lifestyle. Without him I have not a penny to my name nor feel I could raise 3 children with a simular lifestyle or be able to meet anyone when I have 2 small children and a baby on the way. But canni ever look at him the same after sleeping with multiple prostitues and having happy ending massages? Has anyone ever worked things out?

I can’t even imagine how much pain and confusion you’re going through right now. Discovering something like this is earth-shattering, especially when you’re carrying so many responsibilities and expecting a new child. It’s clear you’re trying to weigh everything thoughtfully, and that shows real strength and courage.

It sounds like your husband is taking accountability, seeking help, and showing genuine remorse, which are positive signs. While you’re both acknowledging the areas whereintimacy may have waned, this isn’t your fault, and you’re not to blame for his choices. Addressing issues with professional help can be a big step toward understanding the root of what happened.

As you work through this, counseling—either individually or together—can help you process your feelings, rebuild trust, and give you clarity on whether you want to pursue a path toward healing as a couple. Remember, though, that your feelings are valid, and whatever choice you make has to feel right for you and your children. Take things one day at a time, surround yourself with support and trust yourself to make the best decision for you and your family in the long run.

You’re not alone in this, and others have navigated similar situations, finding a way to move forward that feels healthy and right for them. Whatever that path looks like for you, you have the strength to make it through.

NO SOLICITING.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:50 PM, Friday, November 1st]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that have some great information. The Healing Library is full of resources. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are some threads that you may wish to read through, such as the Emotionless Infidelity thread.

Please be sure to take care of yourself at this time. See your doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer. He needs to be tested, too. Be sure to try to eat, even if it's a protein shake. If you start experiencing anxiety or depression, or have trouble sleeping, please ask your doctor for some meds.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be very helpful. Bonus points if they have experience with infidelity trauma. Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC, too. Only a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) can give the "sex addiction" diagnosis. I suggest you ready Hiding Behind Sex Addiction by Lundy Bancroft, who works with abusers. He says that there are some people who grab onto the "sex addict" term when they really aren't an addict. After you have a chance to heal from your trauma, then you might move to MC (marriage counseling).

Your WH should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and follow the advice. It's about 100 pages and is a great resource. Because he's a serial cheater, he has a lot of work to do to become a safe partner. Serial cheaters often lack the willingness to do the work to become a safe partner. Not saying it can't be done, but is very dependent upon the work that he does.

Be sure to take care of you and your children at this time. It takes years to heal from infidelity, and it can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Cats

A couple of points:
Over time it’s normal that sex-drive changes. No – it’s not naturally a steady decrease over time. Some research indicates for example a raise in libido at menopause for women. Ironically at the same time their (generally 2-5 year older) men start having issues with preforming as often/regularly without medication...
To my knowledge no man has died from not having regular sex. Yes – we might get cranky, feel undervalued and whatever. But we can manage quite some time with "self-help", and/or abstinence. It’s IMHO not a long-term, healthy solution for the relationship, but it might be OK if the wife has 2 kids, pregnant, swollen feet and exhausted.

It’s also 100% normal that with 2 young kids and one on the way that your energy and willingness to have sex lowers. I can just imagine your workload. MAYBE... just maybe... if he had spent less time looking at porn or working to have money for sex-workers then he could have eased your workload, making you possibly more willing and capable of being intimate.
It’s been some years since my kids were young, but I never recall the evening chores of cooking, dishes, bath-time, story-reading and all that as being "sexy" and leaving either me or my wife wanting anything more than some hours sleep.

Regarding the sexual addiction issue:
Please – if he is a SA and is diagnosed as such by a certified professional then he probably is... But keep in mind that this isn’t something that can be "cured" with pills and some therapy sessions. Addiction is a LIFETIME issue. He possibly needs to attend SA meeting 2-3x per week for the next 3-5 years, and then weekly to monthly meeting for life. In all honesty – I hope for your sake that he isn’t SA, but rather just one more stupid, immature and selfish man who decided wrong BUT has the ability and capability to change correctly.

Hey there - I’ve been exactly where you are now. I also discovered my husband had been seeing escorts and was completely shell shocked and devastated. As a matter of fact, so much of your post echos my situation.

First off - get tested for STIs. It’s humiliating, but your doctor will be there for you. Mine hugged me for probably two minutes straight the day I went in.

Second, therapy saved me. I found an amazing therapist who specialized in betrayal trauma and also had personal experience of infidelity. Find a therapist to talk to - you’ve experienced a trauma and you DESERVE a safe space to vent, cry and heal.

Third - the same goes for your husband- he needs his own individual therapist to address why he did this. My husband was evaluated and found not to be a sex addict. He instead had some very deep issues that his therapist has helped him navigate.

Don’t rush straight to couples counseling. My husband and I have been in individual counseling for a year and are only now just starting couples counseling. It’s important to start the work on your individual selves first.

The last piece of advice I can offer is to remind you that this isn’t your shame to carry. Your husband’s use of escorts has to do with him, NOT you. There’s a book called The Betrayal Bind that I highly recommend. Hugs to you!