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We are 14 mos. Post DDay - for the most part have been doing well although lately WS has not been forthcoming about a recent "pop up" on his computer that I found or about a recent "urge" that he waited 2 weeks to share…..when I saw the "pop up" there were also about 10 lingerie sites up and he said he was Christmas shopping for me. I am SOOO offended by this- I feel objectified. We have had no problems in this area and I dont wear sexy lingerie for his pleasure. I dont like it. Im fit and very much a "natural girl" but this feels very creepy to me- like he is fantasizing and being "creepy" …..am I wrong?

In that situation I would question if he was being truthful. There is no way that my WH at 15 months after d day would be looking for lingerie for me as a gift. I did wear lingerie for him in the past but because of his cheating it is doubtful I ever will again. If he knows you are not a lingerie girl why would he be shopping for that? To me it seems more likely he is trying to look at other women without it being porn. Especially with ten sites pulled up. There’s just no reason for that if he’s shopping for you. So if he is asked if he’s looked at porn he can say no.
Or it could be that he really is looking at it for you and is really really not in touch with where you are emotionally or what you need.
I may be way off base though and nobody can truly say what his intentions were except him but I certainly would not believe that explanation.

Hi OP,

I am SOOO offended by this- I feel objectified.

Obviously I don’t know your H from Adam and while it could of course be the case he was just lusting after the lingerie models, as man I wanted to add at least an alternate logical possibility.

My wife also has a dismissive attitude regarding lingerie. She thinks "it’s stupid". She’d say "what’s wrong with just getting naked?". Unlike you, she didn’t feel strongly offended by the concept of lingerie, as she knows there are women who enjoy it, but she was convinced it was an utter waste of time. She also says "ALL lingerie is made in China where no women have boobs". Objectively untrue on multiple fronts, but that’s her point of view.

I think my wife has a smoking hot body. At the risk of a moderator scolding for making a general statement about women, I submit the following as my opinion based on walking this planet for 5+ decades as a heterosexual man. I agree with what they say: the majority of men ARE visual creatures and, in general, seem to be more sexually stimulated by our eyes than the average woman. OF COURSE THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS.

One day, I asked my wife a question. I asked her what *looked* more sexy in her eyes: me standing naked in front of her, or me wearing a sharp suit. She immediately confirmed the sharp suit was more stimulating to her. And then the wheels started turning in her head and she sheepishly said "touché". Not that she suddenly started wearing lingerie (sadly), but since me *asking* for this drains the situation of sexiness for me, I don’t ask. She would put something on if I asked her sincerely, and it wasn’t frequent, but again, that’s not sexy to me so I’ve let that die as one of those things that just don’t work for us as a couple, unfortunately.

All that to say I find it sad you only feel objectified by the concept. Of course I respect your opinion and your right to feel the way you feel. I’m only adding that, at least some men, are attracted to lingerie as a *celebration* of a woman’s natural beauty, and that showcasing what God has given her need not always be a case of crude objectification.

Edited for damn typos.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 3:07 PM, Saturday, November 2nd]

Satya, sorry you had to discover his searching anything to do with women online, doesn't matter what his explanation is, after what he has shown you.

Just wanted to mention another crazy possibility: like my XWH was into cross dressing and I never knew it. He appardntly got a vicarious thrill out of just looking at women's undies, and imagining himself wearing them or some such....I never understood that one....

Gr8ful

I hear you but after DDay and finding texts from prostitutes and seeing these women in their sexy lingerie which is BURNED INTO MY BRAIN…..I now hate the whole idea…..

Supersede-Im certain that’s not it…..Im certain he was buying for me…

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 7:23 PM, Saturday, November 2nd]

I LOVE lingerie. LOVE IT. The sparklier the better. And...I buy it for myself. WH has never bought it for me in the decades we've been together.

So...if I saw him looking at sites for it - I'd be suspisciousAF and wouldn't believe for a nanosecond he'd been looking at buying it for me as a Christmas Gift.

And therein lies my response - if this is something he has a history of buying for you [even if just from time to time] there may be an element of truth. If not, that's shady and he's trying to gaslight you.

Only you will know if he's just that dense or trying to hide something.

I would say that if he was being truthful about shopping for lingerie for you, then yes you are wrong.

But. But I mean you are wrong in communicating, not wrong in your feelings.

Sexy lingerie is kinda a communication to us dudes. It's way solid way we interpret sexual availability/interest (and hopefully eagerness) from our partners.

When I gifted my ww lingerie in the past she was extremely dismissive of it, calling in, among other things, a gift for me rather than for her.

Which, in my mind, was a rejection of not just romantic and sexual interest in that moment but for the foreseeable future.

There's a huge difference between asking for that and asking for some weird fetish roleplay involving the president, two piñata, and a donkey costume.

When I think back on the our past sexual encounters, I might not always remember them all, but I definitely remember that time she wore a sexy nurse costume on halloween.

And now that she's passed away, those memories become that much more important to me.

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Now you've said you feel objectified and called him a creep in this post as well as indicated that you weren't interested in wearing something sexy for him.

If you are that unattracted to him, why bother trying to reconcile? You've made it clear on this end that the relationship is over.

Sex is a huge part of a healthy marriage. Barring medical reasons, not having it and not being interested in it (with your spouse) is the most common thing that defines an unhealthy marriage.

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As far as not wearing or liking lingerie in general... eh. I can say I personally would never knowingly date a women who doesn't.... unless.

Unless there was something comparable that could be used for blocking this. Teacher role-playing, handcuffs, something.

Otherwise, if a woman said that to me, I would interpret it as either lack of sexual interest or being sexually boring. The same as if I heard she wasn't interested in oral sex.

Unless, again, there is something comparable that I was interested in.

That last part is just my personal preference though, so please don't take it as me insinuating that you are sexually boring or anything asinine like that.

Everyone has their own preferences in things they look for in a partner, and me stating mine is just my way of showing you how what you've said looks like from the outside in the hopes that you realize how it sounds if you end up divorced and dating again.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 1:41 AM, Sunday, November 10th]