SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting on SI, although I've read many posts over the years. It isn't easy for me to share complicated feelings or reach out for support, but I honestly don't know how to process the most recent action of my WH. I thought other BSs would have more insight, so I finally joined SI.

A bit of background: My WH and I have been married for 30+ years. Throughout our marriage, he has engaged in numerous EAs and always walked on the edge of inappropriate relationships with female co-workers. When confronted, he always had a believable reason for the extra time and attention, text messages, phone calls, etc. He loves to "help people," all of whom seem to be women. In particular, he likes to help women advance in their careers, as he's very successful and has vast business connections. External validation from women is his drug of choice; his other loyal relationship is with alcohol. Our marriage imploded in 2017 when he was caught with his AP by her husband (now ex-husband). With that revelation, 3 years of trickle truth began; he only told the truth when ultimately backed into a corner by irrefutable evidence. He started individual therapy and we had couples therapy as well. Over the years, we had bumps with his drinking, which has decreased, but he will never stop. We were briefly separated in 2022 when he drove drunk. He has not had any other EAs or PAs as far as I am aware.

Recently, WH wanted to go back to working out. This is a sensitive subject, as he was busted for sexting with a woman in his cross-fit class in 2016. After 8 years, I thought it was fine and I'm glad he was trying to improve his health. Of course, WH returned to the same gym and signed up to work with a female trainer because he felt more comfortable knowing the gym. After 6 weeks, he brought home a box of pastries from the gym, a "birthday gift" from his trainer. My antennae were immediately up, as I thought it odd and inappropriate that his trainer bought him pastries as a gift. He left on a business trip the next day and returned the following week. As he was unpacking, he gave me a cool vintage T-shirt. He then pulled out a jewelry box and told me about how he had found a local art shop with a vendor who made personalized leather wrap bracelets. He had purchased a bracelet with bronze charms of birds "spreading their wings and flying in a new direction" as a gift for his trainer, as she was starting a new group of classes at the gym and quitting her side job to focus on her career. He thought it was perfect for her.

I was livid. Absolutely livid. WHAT THE HELL?
He told me she was the same age as our kids and he only thought of her "like a kid and I just want to encourage her new direction."
And here's the kicker.... he's so proud of himself because he told me about buying a gift for another woman rather than hiding it as he would have in the past. When I told him it was inappropriate and that I was pissed, he apologized and said he wouldn't give her the gift. He admitted he'd made a mistake, but hey, he's only human (his words). And he is still working out with her at the gym because he has already paid for 6 months of sessions. He said I could come work out with "them," but I won't be his chaperone. I suggested he work with a male trainer, but his paid sessions are with her only.

I'm just so...sad. What do I even do with this? He says it's part of his DNA to want to help people. But this has always been the pattern - helping a "helpless" woman and it evolves into an inappropriate relationship, EA, and at least once, a PA. I spent years working through the trauma of the betrayals and understand that his behaviors had nothing to do with me. I do know that; he's responsible for his own choices. What I'm left with now is, what does it say about me that I'm having this same conversation with him about another inappropriate interaction with a woman? What are my limits? I try to rationalize that it was only a bracelet, but damn, it really hurts.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? This most recent incident has sent me into a spiral and triggered many memories. I'm feeling lost and emotionally exhausted.

Sorry you find yourself here, ILP. The right place to be, though.

Your story immediately reminded me of The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river because it can't swim. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion promises not to because they would both drown if it did. The frog agrees, but the scorpion stings the frog anyway. The dying frog asks why, and the scorpion replies, "I am sorry, but I couldn't help myself. It's my character"

You know in your heart that the next thirty years will be like the last thirty years, right?

Is the monetary loss of the training sessions worth the emotional heartache?

600 dollars?

In the grand scheme of your life, I have to image that is a fart in the windstorm.

I was in your shoes for decades. My H was the go to guy for women - single, married, young, old, etc.

I didn’t realize the extent of his flirty behavior and interactions. I was not jealous and trusted people. Even the OW who was his 4 year EA (in person EA).

Until I found out that he admitted to cheating on me with OW1 to OW2.

Then I knew who he really was.

Someone who would stonewall and lie and gaslight and watch me be upset so he could get his ego boost.

It stopped when I planned to D him after his last affair 11 years ago. He recognized what he had done and I believe he had planned to take it to his grave. Except OW2 spilled the tea lol.

Inked, IMO he knew EXACTLY what he was going and had the audacity to do it in front of you. IMO he knows that gift is inappropriate and a means to an end. He is using it to lay the groundwork IMO.

He’s wrong and still inappropriate and doesn’t WANT TO get it. He’s not dumb. He’s just a manipulative jerk who continues to put himself first.

Sorry to be harsh. He’s trying to play you by acting dumb.

I came here to say a lot. But The1stWife sums it up quite nicely with this:

He’s wrong and still inappropriate and doesn’t WANT TO get it. He’s not dumb. He’s just a manipulative jerk who continues to put himself first.

ETA - the fact that his body wasn't found with that bracelet wrapped tightly around his neck or his D shows you have great restraint and amazing character.

[This message edited by Chaos at 10:50 PM, Thursday, November 7th]

It’s tempting to say this is who your WS is and therefore you should cut your losses.

But if you are going to keep trying to make it work I would 100% say he can’t see that trainer. Not now that he went and did what he did. I also would not let him go to that gym. You can set whatever limits you choose.

After my WS came clean about his inappropriate relationship with his assistant all of the expectations changed. Before that I might have tolerated interactions with female coworkers or women in general. We have had a zero tolerance policy for many years now. It does not heal the hurt from prior behavior but at least it minimizes the triggers to me.

In the very beginning there was some fighting as he got used to the new parameters but now he is used to it. There is no friendly texting with women, no use of emojis. I can’t imagine living any other way now. I would be furious about something such as what you described.

How does he respond when you say you are not willing to accept him going to that trainer now that he has re-injured you?

Your husband does not care about causing you pain and anxiety. Whenever he's in a position where he has to choose between you and other women, he always chooses other women.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that he probably gets a rise out of playing cat-and-mouse games with you, getting caught, and then forgiven. He didn't tell you about the bracelet because he's become well-meaning and honest; he was deliberately testing your boundaries. He's like a teenager who comes home with a pierced nose just to see how his parents will react.

Furthermore, his high-risk behavior endangers you physically, emotionally, and financially. He drinks to excess and could've killed or severely harmed himself, you, or someone else with his drunk driving. He's very lucky his AP's husband didn't turn violent when he caught them together. His relationships with co-workers (particularly with subordinates) and other women with whom his interactions should be strictly professional (like this trainer) might eventually result in sexual harassment accusations.

You will never be safe in this relationship.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:57 AM, Saturday, November 9th]

I appreciate the comments from my fellow SI members, so thank you for your time and effort in replying. The straight talk is what I needed. HouseofPlane asked if I realized the next 30 years would look like the past 30 years. You're right, HouseofPlane, I do know in my heart what the next 30 years will be like — more of the same. The past few weeks have been full of difficult thinking and soul searching. Despite all my WH's behaviors, I don't believe he intends to hurt me, but he always puts himself first, which ends up hurting me even more. I don't even cross his mind when he finds himself in these situations. And that's a bitter pill to swallow.

WH stopped going to the gym and hasn't had any contact with the trainer, as far as I know. He says he understands where he went wrong and it won't happen again. I told him I was skeptical because he hasn't been able to sustain that change in over 30 years. I thought we were over that obstacle of his "helping" other women as it had been several years since the last incident, but now it's hard to believe he hasn't been doing it all along and I've been in the dark just like before the last PA blew up.

My defensive walls are back up, even higher than before. I'm taking some emotional space to try and sort this all out. I'm done figuring out the impossible "whys" of his behavior. I need to figure out the "whys" of my choices regarding this marriage.

I'm done figuring out the impossible "whys" of his behavior. I need to figure out the "whys" of my choices regarding this marriage.

I think this is the right approach. It doesn’t matter WHY your H needs an ego boost from other women. I don’t know if he has low self esteem or depression or drinks too much blah blah blah.

He just cannot survive without the thrill of the chase in getting other women to notice him or engage with him or cheat with him.

More importantly you have to decide what you want. You don’t have to D him but you do have to accept the reality of your marriage and be prepared for possible repeat incidents. And you need to decide if this is what you want in your future - a man-child who acts like a spoiled child continuing to try and get his own way.

InkedLadyProf: It's like reading about my husband: Inappropriate "helpful" behaviours with women. Oftentimes flirtatious.

We have a 40+ marriage. He has moderated his behaviour towards women in general, specifically once we were in year two of R, however every once in a while he reverts and I roll my eyes.

I have two practical reasons to keep him in my life. I figured those out before we started R.

It was not that difficult, just took a while to pinpoint.

It really helps me feel grounded in my good times and my bad times. Figuring it out stopped me from obessively questionning my choice to stay with him.

I will add that my reasons have little to do with love or being in love. That ship has sailed.

So in my case, practicality outweighed "love". Don't get me wrong though, I do care but not blindly anymore.

The1stWife summed it up well. "You have to decide what you want."

Godspeed.

[This message edited by Notaboringwife at 2:30 PM, Wednesday, November 13th]

The problem with just staying with a WS is that the WS can decide to split whenever they meet the wrong person. R(econciliation) works if both do the necessary work. R(ugsweeping) is a much higher risk choice than Recon, IMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:56 PM, Wednesday, November 13th]

Just a question for him. If he genuinely just "wants to help", does he also want to help MEN he comes into contact with, or is this just a woman thing? If he ONLY acts this way with women, then the "I just want to help" premise seems bullshit. Would that slap him into realization? It wasn't so much a gift that was the problem necessarily. It was how THOUGHTFUL the gift was that hurts the most I'm sure. Like here you go, a cool tshirt, but for HER I bought this meaningful bracelet. No. No way.

If he genuinely just "wants to help", does he also want to help MEN he comes into contact with, or is this just a woman thing?

This. I, too, have helping people in my DNA, but it's been far more inclined towards helping out other men, very few women.

Having been married for 30+ years, you (and he) might not be familiar with the new social character "Captain Save-a-hoe" but this is exactly what he sounds like. The white knight swoops in and saves the day, basking in the praise and gratitude. Over and over again. It's not necessarily adultery, but it certainly isn't in the "unquestionably committed" part of the card catalogue.

Now, he might not be physically doing sexual things, but he's definitely treading the territory of Captain Save-a-hoe as he always has. It sounds like he doesn't really know where to draw the line, but it sort of does sound like he's willing to draw it.

No-one really jumps straight to adultery. There are usually many steps along the way. He has taken the first step towards it many, many times, and is trying to hand-wave it away to you (and probably to himself) as "helping." I recommend telling him this and telling him how much it hurts you every time he does it.

The fox might not be actively digging at the chicken coop, but standing just outside it ALL DAY gazing longingly therein doesn't engender a huge amount of confidence in his character.

The hawk might not be diving down to capture the dove, but he is watching her (and her seventeen friends) and circling overhead. It's difficult to believe he's merely sightseeing.

...I could go on with the animal metaphors, but the point should be clear...

You're definitely in the right to raise a concern about this behavior, but I would definitely address it with a calm and respectful demeanor, as his ally and helpmate, since bringing down the hammer of scorn and judgement might just result in him closing down and going underground with it.

The rolling boulder changes course slowly, especially one that has a lot of momentum.

See, I'm going out on a geological metaphor instead of an animal one. XD

-M

(edited for typos)

[This message edited by Mindjob at 12:49 AM, Monday, November 18th]