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Struggling with resentment for the fact he took years away from my life while pulling away from me during his affair. I was 26 when it started and would have probably recovered from a break up much easier than now at 31 when I want a family.

I’m also very resentful to myself for accepting such bare minimum for so long and assuming we were on the same space and effectively taking the relationship for granted. Giving him space unbeknowingly to have his affair when he said he was having trouble with mental health, so I didn’t think it was me or us. I knew we weren’t great but I didn’t know we were bad.

And now I’m still accepting the bare minimum but I’m aware of it more now because I’m not showing him affection, so he doesn’t show me any. I think previously because I was so loving I showed enough affection for the two of us that I didn’t realise he wasn’t - and when I did see I would often make comments and tell him.

Now I’ve become a mute and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like therapy is working for me.

Maybe the resentment will disappear if I just accept what’s happened, this is part of our history now and move on to our plans of family as we had spoke about for years and even last year while he’d already knocked up someone else (she miscarried).

I think that’s part of my problem, acceptance.

Resent is normal. It's one if the things that have a tendency to effect even more strongly during the second year after dday.

Applying logic goes... 'what does resent get me?'

Of course, the answer is 'nothing'.

Strangely it's much easier for your mind to accept it that sooner than your heart does.

Ask yourself, do you see this man being a good lifelong partner for you and a good father for your children? Be honest with yourself. If you have reservations starting a family will not fix them

There is nothing keeping you with him except your own stubbornness at this point.

I understand where you are coming from. I feel like my WH took my chance at finding someone that would be a committed partner for life. I’ve been with him for 23 years. He also was not giving what he should to the relationship while having affairs for years.
I know you are struggling but why are you willing to accept this when you are not legally married, do not have kids with him and have minimal financial entanglement. It will hurt to separate but I think you would find your footing and be crystal clear on what you want in a partner and in life with some distance from him. I see a lot of myself in you, I tend to romanticize and somewhat make excuses for people. However I have changed tremendously these two years since d day. I thought we had a great relationship but in hindsight he was doing the bare minimum. Could you take some time away from him to do some soul searching. Do things on your own, meet new people? If he truly cares for you and wants to reconcile he would give you that space.

Resentment is part of the healing process.

Question is do you still love the cheating spouse and want to be a parent with them?

I was really beating myself up about the resentment too, fearing becoming bitter. One thing a therapist explained to me about resentment was very helpful. You can't let go of resentment for ongoing resentful types of behaviors.
So for example, my WH's cheating has stopped and I'm less resentful. His negative comments about my parents haven't stopped so I'm still resentful about this.

I actually do actually see him as a good father and he is a good partner in some ways (will do chores of own accord, will do shopping, cook, great with finances and organising important things). But he’s not good in a lot of other ways which tbh are the ones in count most in(doesn’t tell me he loves me, doesn’t do any romantic gestures anymore, doesn’t talk about future planning, doesn’t initiate sex). Despite those not so good things and excluding the affair, he’s a much better partner than my friends husbands appear to be which maybe says more about us than the men we keep 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was with a friend recently who’s single and she said that it’s awful being single in your thirties so I feel maybe I should go all in with this relationship and try to make it work.

Probably right, my own stubbornness is keeping me here - I think I feel like I’ll prove everyone right if I leave (although I know no one would act like that I have a very supportive network). And my toxic ego is thinking nothing can tear us apart we’re such a strong couple to get through this. But the reality is we’re not getting through anything because I feel broken and like sh1t and we don’t talk about anything meaningful.

We did have a few months of space at the start of this mess but I do keep thinking I’m in such a bad place maybe I need space with no contact for a while to understand what I’m feeling and what I want. It’s not fair to either of us at the moment.

How do other people address difficult conversations about the relationship? Always in person? When you’re out in the car or walking or laying in bed? Or should I write a letter to brain dump everything?

Maybe I’m most resentful toward myself for not speaking up about anything and so I won’t get over that until I address it because it’s on going behaviour. And maybe I won’t get over my resentment toward him until/if he starts showing up to this relationship and demonstrating love and affection.

I don’t know this is all a mess and I’m miserable this is my life, I’m not healing, I’m actually getting worse.

Why aren’t I strong enough to have a fricking conversation with him and talk about this!!?

Sorry ya’ll, feel like I’m always bringing the mood down.

LRR,

I am feeling worse (sadder, angrier, more betrayed, more resentful) at 2.5 months after dday than I did at any point before. It's a process, and it sure doesn't seem to be linear. When I found out about SAWH, I needed space. We've been living separately, and I'm truly grateful for that. I needed to be away from him to feel emotionally safe, and even though I'm struggling with a lot, I'm happier on my own.

My SAWH is also great at finances, doing things around the house, fixing lamps, that type of stuff, but he sucks at connection and showing vulnerability. That's part of his addiction, but it's also who he is. My recommendation is get some distance from your WH. Carve out a place for yourself, mentally and/or physically, and practice some real self-care.

I have difficult conversations via text, mostly. SAWH is a very stoic communicator in person, and I am also quite detached with him now, probably as self-protection. So we have more emotion via text than in person. I flip-flop every day over whether I want to R or D. D scares me, still, but I'm giving myself scads of time. We can be separated as long as I need to figure out if I even WANT to give him a (3rd) chance.

I think the BS learning to accept the cheating of WS is a loooong road, or maybe I'm thinking more of forgiveness. I don't know if I'll have it in me, but I don't think I have to either accept or forgive him, I just have to move past it. That's true whether we R or D. Acceptance/forgiveness of WH will come in time. Or not. Our job now is to accept/forgive ourselves. We are not to blame for any of this, and we don't need to take any responsibility for what they did, or for not knowing what they were doing at the time. Regardless, it's okay to feel frustrated with yourself. Just try to figure out what you need to start your own healing, and trust me, that is 100% separate from him.

My marriage, too, wasn't a soulmates match or anything. I had learned a certain amount of detachment from him over the years, all the gaslighting and DARVO kind of guaranteed it. Now that he's getting help, I'm seeing him make some self-discovery strides without me pushing him, and I want to see how it plays out. Every now and then he texts something really great, and I feel love for him, and it terrifies me! I tend to lash out at him when that happens to make sure there's still plenty of emotional distance. I'm not in a good place and that's okay. Your WH getting another woman pregnant is a really tough row for you to hoe, that's so much hurt and betrayal to process! Maybe you're avoiding talking to him because you don't want to make a decision about whether to leave or not.

Doing nothing is also a choice, and you can do that until you're mentally ready for action. Just don't get stuck there.

This is truly a shitshow, so be kind to yourself. Whatever you're feeling is allowed. It's okay to forget about the WH for a bit and try to create a safe space for you to process and heal.

We're here for you, LRR. None of us chose to take this road full of potholes, and we're navigating it as best we can in any given moment. You'll talk to him when you're ready, or you'll just decide it isn't worth it and walk. I know if I choose D I will be alright. I'm in my 50s and I think being single is way better than staying in a marriage where I don't feel emotionally safe or loved and respected. I have friends and family that can supply those, and myself!

1) Start calling it what it is: anger.

2) We have always talked about my W's A face to face. We've talked at tables, on sofas, but mainly lying in bed and on road trips. (We have the car to ourselves.)

I didn't have to deal with a WS who didn't do the necessary work, but my W says she didn't begin to feel remorse for at least 5 months after d-day. She didn't start to see her A as just another sordid A for at least 5 months.

I did decide on d-day that I was either going to build a good M, or I was going to D, and I knew building a good M took both of us. I also believed that if my W healed herself, she or I or we might choose we didn't want to spend the rest of our lives together.

IOW, I didn't think I could stay passive. I had to be active. I had to keep on top of what I felt and what I wanted, and I had to ask for what I wanted from my W. She could say 'no' to any request, but too many 'noes' would mean D. Luckily I got a lot of yeses, so I never had to make the choice to D. I did, however, ask myself again and again if I was still on board for R.

*****

So where are you? You're unhappy in your M (I know you're not M, but the fewer keystrokes, the better), but you don't want to be single in your 30s. What the fuck are you doing to yourself?

I'm with Bigger (and the Stoics) on happiness - you can be happy even if your M isn't. But I think even the most stoic is likely to agree that removing a source of unhappiness will ease your way to being happy. If you're done with your M, accept it and move on. You might find someone who gives you what you want and wants what you want to give if you're single. You can't do that if you're M.

Or ... maybe you'd be happy with your H if he changed. Maybe that's what you want. You can't change him, but you sure can ask for the changes you want.

I could be misreading your posts, but I think you've communicated what you want, and your WSo hasn't changed. Maybe taking the risk with a Bigger-type conversation is what you need, something like:

'WSo, I love you and want to make a life with you, but we need to change the way we deal with each other. Etc., etc., etc.'

You might want to have those conversations with a good MC moderating. Of course, one of the issues has to be his A, and he almost definitely needs an IC for that. He'll probably need the help of a good IC in recognizing that he needs to make other changes, too. But from what you write, the A is only one issue in your relationship, and probably not the most urgent or important one.

*****

You say you're not getting what you want from therapy. My reco is to talk with your therapist about that. You might need a new therapist. Your therapist may change methods if you can articulate what you're looking for. If you can't, your therapist may be able to help you figure out what you want.

If your spouse isn't doing the things that are important to you, then that should be a deal breaker. When I divorced my ex, my biggest regret is that I didn't do it much much sooner. Even before the A (that I knew about, I'm convinced now there were more), i had built up resentment because he didn't treat me good in the ways that were important. I too looked at my friends' husband's and thought that at least he wasn't as bad as some of them. I now realize that just because he wasn't as bad as them, he still set the bar low. .any of those girlfriends a few decades later are also divorced because they finally recognized how toxic there exes were too.
You are only 31. You have at least another decade before you're looking at perimenopause. But if you're that concerned, freeze some eggs. You should be having the time of your life right now. You should be traveling, experiencing fine dining, spending time with loved ones, enjoying hobbies (preferably with your partner), and counting your blessings every day. You should not be questioning why you're so miserable. I suggest you drop everyone in your life that is dead weight. If they aren't making your life better, clean house. Don't look back in 20 years and have regrets.

Im so sorry you are here…..I was in your shoes a long time ago…..young, wanting a family, a souse who supposedly loved me but I found out had a "secret sexual basement" I thought 31 was too old to start over ….. now IM 58! I did leave and felt empowered doing so. I a few years later met a wonderful man and have 2 children- Im wiser and stronger…..Im now dealing with betrayal again at 25 yrs of marriage. So my only advice- you are young , make decisions that will impact the rest of your life, you have time for a family…. Sending lots of comfort

How are you feeling today?

Sorry I’m not good at replying that often, I appreciate everyone’s opinions and comments though! Forever grateful to have this platform.

StillLiving , I know 31 is still young it just feels old because I feel like my time is running out for a family if I don’t make a decision soon. Also it’s not fair to my bf to keep us in this state.

Oh Satya sorry you’ve had to deal with this twice!! That’s what scares me, leave my current bf and find someone who I think is great only to go through this shit again. Maybe I’m staying in limbo to avoid pain again.

Not the victim, thanks for checking in! Still feeling flat I’m still unable to speak up for myself or to tell him I’m not particularly happy. I think I’m scared of upsetting him, or scared he’ll say yes I agree and not be bothered about us ending. Or maybe I’m scared he’ll start doing the work and I still won’t be happy. Or that he’ll do the work and I’ll be happy to stay but feel like an idiot for staying. It’s hard because we are good friends and I get on so well with his family so it’s bigger than just us parting ways you say goodbye to everyone else.

This is like my diary so apologies.

Reasons I’m still here:

• I don’t want society to tell me what to do.

• I know deep down he’s a good man.

• He would be a good dad.

• I love the idea of living life’s ups and downs with one person.

• We have a long history.

• We get on well.

Reasons I’m not happy in the relationship:

• He doesn’t and I don’t think ever has loved me how I want to be loved (I.e. not emotional of affectionate - this was masked in the past because i show these things that i was blind to his lack).

• I feel like actually it’s not okay to betray someone for 4 years and just go back to normal. Actions (should) have consequences.

• He doesn’t make effort with my family anymore (probably from his own shame).

• I fear I have got the ick now as I don’t see him the same way.

• Never makes any effort.

• Doesn’t talk about future plans I.e let’s get married or let’s try for a baby or I want to travel here with you let’s look at booking something.

I’m scared of making the wrong decision.

Scared to be alone forever.

Scared to meet someone else and go through infidelity again.

Scared of living alone.

But I’m also scared of being passive about my life forever and not finding my strength to have difficult conversations.

We have a wonderful house and set up so I’d be giving it all up.

Does it ever work really when you stay after someone betrayed you? Am I betraying myself? I get that human beings are flawed so I’ve always been open minded to a drunken kiss and would even say a ONS with someone he didn’t know - not that I wouldn’t care but I can understand the flawed human element and how someone can do that. But 4 years is a choice. He left a job to get away from the situation as that’s how they met but they still carried it on afterwards anyway so shows that he’s weak minded??

Also he doesn’t have any friends is this a red flag? And I’m scared that means he doesn’t have much of a support network if we do part ways even for a separation for me to get clearer on what I want!! He does have family he can speak to though.

I’ve realised I think I’m an avoidant attachment. I shut down if he talks about the house and plans for the house (maybe I’m shutting down because I’m not on the same page but my head and heart are not aligned).

Maybe I’m focusing too much on the bad and not on any good so only bad is showing up for me. If I start looking for the good more good with come. I know some relationships can be better than ever after infidelity 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry this was such a brain dump but that was needed. I’m such a mess.

[This message edited by LittleRedRobin23 at 8:30 PM, Sunday, November 17th]

Some of the traits you show as a negative (doesn’t initiate, doesn’t show affection, etc.) are traits that may not make him a good father.

What if there is a medical issue that you as parents need to respond to? Will he weigh in and help choose the best treatment options? Could be a struggle for him based on your description of him as a poor communicator. He cannot shut down when it’s a critical time - and I hope you see that could potentially be the case.

What if your child has a problem at school? Will he support your ideas or will he not communicate? Again these are situations that could send him into a rabbit hole to avoid interacting w/ you in making decisions.

Please think carefully about your future as a spouse and co-parent.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:10 PM, Sunday, November 17th]

I wouldn't say you're a mess. I think you're reacting normally to this.

As far as staying or going... nobody can make up your mind for ya. If you want to stay and try to work it out, that's your choice. If you don't, that is also your choice.

It's not often mentioned that, regardless if you choose,the pain still takes years to heal from.

I personally chose to stay. Of course, I dressed it up in my mind as choosing the kids, giving a chance, demonstrating to the kids that x,y,z. It doesn't really matter the reasons, tbh. I chose to stay and reconcile.

Given that my wife passed away 8 years later, I think that it was the right decision for me and the family. Even if I was second-guessing myself the whole time.

For you, with no kids... I'm sure you're probably weighing the value of the history of the relationship, the timeframe left to have kids, etc etc. Lots and lots of tiny factors that weigh on a scale as you re-evaluate the relationship.

It does sound like your confidence took a hit, which isn't unusual. I know mine did that first two years after dday.

I don't know if it helps, as understanding logically and understanding emotionally takes some time, but I can say... nothing you did or didn't do made him cheat. He did it because he wanted to. Period.

So, carrying that further, nothing you say now can cause him to do it again either. As far as worrying whether he stays or goes... he should be worried whether *you* stay or go.

If he isn't worried... well you kinda have an answer there.

Hope this helps somehow. Keep us updated!

How do other people address difficult conversations about the relationship? Always in person? When you’re out in the car or walking or laying in bed? Or should I write a letter to brain dump everything?

I used every tool possible to get my feelings across with the difficult conversations. I wrote a letter that described my pain, I wrote a letter showing how many chances she had to help the relationship before making horrible choices, and I asked for all the details I needed to make an informed decision to stay or go.

Best talks were always one on one. But the letters helped some, as my wife was conflict avoidant. I say was avoidant, because now she invites my gripes or issues.

As to resentment, very simply I always agreed with the idiom — resentment is drinking poison everyday expecting the other person to die.

No way to heal you or move forward being resentful everyday. And you shouldn’t be mad at yourself for hanging in there — you wanted to keep your family together long enough to figure things out. Nothing wrong with offering one final chance.

The big flags are his effort. He has to aim for the life he wants. If he wants a decent M, he has WORK to rebuild it, reach out to you, reach out to your family.

If he is buried in a shame spiral, it is not much to work with.

He caused the pain, he needs to love you like you want and deserve.

I know many, many friends and family who started over and have done well. I can only ever suggest people stay if their partner is working to be better and do better.

I've shared my decision tree before:

Feel free to use you own values for outcomes and costs. I recommend a 25% chance of a new partner cheating (male population average give or take).

Only you can really determine your WP's likelihood of recidivism, but generally that value is closer to 50% (depending on how you feel about how he has reformed).

LLR,

I’m so sorry to hear how bad you are struggling within your "limbo" state. Resentment is real and I don’t have much advice on how to let that go. Just know that your feelings are valid.

From several of your posts it appears that you are ready/wanting to take that next step in life … engagement, marriage and starting a family. From what I gather, it sounds like your WP has no desire to take this next step? In your words he "never makes any effort" - frankly, he should be giving and showing you 110% effort in every way. He should be fighting tooth and nail for you.

Giving a bit of different context - when we begin dating someone and it starts to get serious, there is usually a conversation at some point where one’s "life’s goals" are discussed. Starting a family for example … maybe one doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want to have children … meanwhile, the other wants to get married and have a family. If either one is not wanting to budge on their "must haves" then this would be considered a "dealbreaker" and the couple would part ways. If you chose to continue in a relationship where your goals don’t align, resentment will form and you will just spin in circles.

Essentially, what I’m getting at is if I’m understanding your "list" of reasons why you are not happy in your relationship is just this … putting the A aside (as if this isn’t a deal breaker in and of itself), he isn’t showing any interest in advancing in life together with you. He seems to be "ok" with status quo. He does not discuss any future plans with you … no engagement, no marriage no children … not even a holiday. Could this right here be your dealbreaker? Sounds like it could be.

If you approached him about leaving the relationship (not a separation, just flat out being done), what do you think his reaction would be?

Sending you continued strength as you fight through this.

Thanks all for your comments on this!

Yes absolutely I’m ready and wanting to take the next steps in life or at least know that’s being worked towards and we enjoy life together in the meantime/build up by actually living and going on various adventures and trips etc. but it seems we’re not doing that. Maybe he feels like I’m not interested and pushing him away so has stopped suggesting things but then he should be trying to get me back onside? I think he’s just happy with our comfortable life and lovely house and doesn’t want to jeopardise that. Maybe I don’t either.

I think perhaps I’m not ready enough as I can’t seem to verbalise anything to him about not being happy. I think he’ll be sad and I’m not sure I’m equipped or prepared to handle that reaction and then I’ll feel like I’m making the wrong decision. Which maybe I am? Maybe I’m not giving him a chance to show me love again because I’m not showing it him and he’s pushed away or held at arms length.

It’s so tough because we get on and have such a good friendship it’s clouding my reality which is we’re not a good romantic relationship and I’ve been passive for so long letting life happen I need to take some the strength all of you show and speak up!!