SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 28 days out from discovery of my wife's infidelity with a married individual, both with similar credentials, (professors). Said infidelity took place over 6 months that I know of. In and out of hotels locally, meeting at conferences. All the while texting each other EXTREMELY graphic indulgences and fantasies while I'm working and/or tending to our 7 year old. 90% of which I have now seen, and not because she offered, obviously not a help.

She claims to want to move on and restore our relationship but in actuality I really think her decision revolves almost entirely around money. She has accumulated quite a fortune in our 8.5 years of marriage and I really think it boils down to how much she stands to lose.

Fail I to mention this indiscretion was also going on during our trip to Paris in July, they were there for the same conference and while I was again watching the kid they were living it up. I bought her a custom neckless from a family jeweler and gave it to her for her birthday. I have taken it back since, because to me, she killed any good memories of that trip.

I don't think I can ever trust her again given the absolutely egregious level of this violation of my trust. She has apparently moved on already, yet I am extremely sensitive to ANY deviation in her location and statements. I am a ball of nerves all the time and always, always suspicious of her movements and "explanations".

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has actually made it through this level of deceit and regained a solid marriage. I really feel like it's time for me to move on, I can't keep living my life and continually tracking her and scrutinizing her movements.

Easy way to figure out her motives. Tell her you’ll give reconciliation a chance, but since she has destroyed the marriage already, you will have to divorce first (taking half) and then you can start anew. See what happens then.

Yes I am one of the lucky ones who survived two affairs.

First time around I allowed the 4 year EA to be rug swept. Second affair was 15 years later and I refused to allow that to happen again.

I planned to D him. But somewhere along the way he made some changes (on his own), showed true remorse and made amends.

He has not gone back to the person he was during his affair and it’s 11 years later. He has apologized for the way he treated me during his affair. He regrets all of it.

For some people an affair is a dealbreaker. Period. It just cannot be something they can gut give it live with. For them, D is the only answer.

I’d suggest giving yourself 60 days from Dday before making any decisions. In a highly emotional state it is very difficult to know what to do and see the future for yourself and kids. Get professional advice.

Put together a plan - try for mediation if you decide to D. Put yourself first - health is important. Try to establish a routine with your child that you can continue if you D or S.

Read up on the 180 and implement what you can manage. If you need space from your spouse, take it. If you need to sleep separately tell her to find a different room to sleep in.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:09 AM, Tuesday, November 26th]

"Tell her you’ll give reconciliation a chance, but since she has destroyed the marriage already, you will have to divorce first (taking half) and then you can start anew. See what happens then."

Point well taken oh it’s you ^^^^

This would have helped my outcome in many ways.

The thing about divorcing and/or resetting the goal post financially through divorce or post nup is that it would have been reversible if exwh had sorted himself out and become a safe spouse.
He did not and the longer he was able to kick the divorce can down the road the more he gained at my expense. I was a schmuck. So there is that.

My failure to appropriately and adequately address the first DD (that I found out about at least who knows how many actual infidelities there were) resulted in a compounding of consequences for me. This is not the case for every person on these boards or irl but I can see the wisdom in what oh it’s you posted.

"Easy way to figure out her motives. Tell her you’ll give reconciliation a chance, but since she has destroyed the marriage already, you will have to divorce first (taking half) and then you can start anew. See what happens then"

This is exactly what I was thinking.

I also agree with the 60 day comment. We are headed out of town as a family to a place where she is not "important" and not known, so we'll see how I feel when we return. If she goes back into "me, me, me" mode then I'll call it done.

Thank you for the responses.

The most important thing to learn and understand is that it is enough when you say it's enough.

You have a vote, and your voice counts!

Trippin,

Sorry you are in this situation and you have my sympathies.

How did you discover your wife's affair? And is the AP still working with her?

Please click on "Healing Library" at the top of this forum and read the content. From my side what I'd ask is for you to focus on yourself and your child first.

From the brief info you've posted, it seems that your wife may be a narcissist. There's no mention of even an appearance of remorse from her (pls correct me if that's incorrect). If she is acting as though her treachery was a speedbump, there is no point in you pursuing reconciliation.

If you believe that she's only feigning interest in regaining your trust and that her primary objective is to avoid a divorce that would make her less well off, then your options basically are:

1. Sweep this under the rug and live a life of misery and resentment.

OR

2. Protect yourself and your means to co-parent your child

You need to dig deep and figure out what you want to do.

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. To answer your question, marriages have been rebuilt after this level of deceit and infidelity, and worse. But it takes two people committed to rebuilding. Right now, your WW wants to sweep the whole A under the rug and just move on. This is totally wrong attitude. She needs to dig deep to find how she became so broken and lacking in honesty that she could betray the person she vowed to be faithful to while married. She needs to get into IC and display remorse and humility for how she has hurt you. This is only a start.

But right now the most important thing is for you to get on the road to heal. Take care of you. You have suffered a real trauma caused by your WW’s infidelity. Your trust has been destroyed. The oft-cited timeline is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from this trauma. Eat healthy and exercise. Pursue your interests. Be there for your child. Do not chase, beg or plead with your WW. She should be willing to be transparent and answer all of your questions. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. She needs to handle your anger and mood swings. She should read: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald.

Accept no blame for her decision to cheat. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. It is a cliche for your WW to blame you for her immoral behavior. Very common behavior for a cheater. Shut it down. She vowed to be faithful as long as you are married, regardless of whether she felt loved, ignored, connected, or disconnected. You are not a perfect partner. Neither is your WW. No one is perfect. Her vows were not contingent. There is no excuse to cheat on your partner. If she was unhappy she had lots of options to try and fix her concerns with you. Accept no blame.

You decide whether you will grant her the gift of reconciliation or whether you decide to D. But always value yourself. Rug sweeping her betrayal with an unremorseful partner is not a recipe for happiness. See an attorney to learn your rights. Remember you are the prize. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:36 AM, Tuesday, November 26th]

I am one who survived infidelity, but I did that by divorcing.

First of all, words matter. The co e with all sorts of connotation value. Her was not an indiscretion, that suggests that she was too public about it. Neither was it a mistake or slip up.

Now,you have been thrust into a world not of your choosing. IMHO and FWIW, Your ww is not who you thought she was. She may act in ways you could never have imagined, but he'll, did you imagine she'd have an affair? If she has money, she is probably taking steps to secure it from you as you speak. That's what people with money often do. To protect yourself, consider filing for D immediately as a strategic move to protect shared assets. Yes this is a bold and provocative move, but it might be warranted in your situation. You can alway halt the proceedings.

Remember, mine is only an opinion and there are far wiser members here. Take it for what it's worth...

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've joined us. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that new members are encouraged to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons.

It sounds like she wants to rug sweep, and that isn't good. She needs to be in IC (individual counseling) to dig into her whys. Also, the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a must-read. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a good read for both of you. She has a lot of work to do to become a safe partner and to help rebuild trust.

For you, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. If you have problems with depression or sleeping, see your doctor for some meds. Please get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty things out there.

I am extremely sensitive to ANY deviation in her location and statements. I am a ball of nerves all the time and always, always suspicious of her movements and "explanations".

That's your brain on trauma and is normal for being so close to dday. She has shown you she's a liar, so you can't trust her. She has to rebuild that trust with consistent actions over time.

We are headed out of town as a family to a place where she is not "important" and not known, so we'll see how I feel when we return. If she goes back into "me, me, me" mode then I'll call it done.

Anybody can white-knuckle it for a short period of time. She may well love/sex bomb you as an effective means of manipulating you into her obvious desire to rug-sweep. She’s a universe away from true remorse, and staying with someone like that is suicidal to your mental health.

PLEASE DON’T FALL FOR THAT.

Stick with the plan to D, or AT MINIMUM, get an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement that heavily favors you, assuming that’s even possible in your legal jurisdiction. Talk to an attorney/solicitor ASAP !!! Knowledge is power, and it’s time you get some back in this relationship.

If divorce were more economically viable, it's unlikely that I would be in R.

There used to be a user that would point to a bible verse for most newly betrayed husbands. Despite not being religious myself I'll do it for him.

Proverbs 30:20

This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've done nothing wrong.'

I think you are going to be in for a big fat pile of blameshifting where she is going to ask you to make changes because she will claim you somehow motivated her to cheat.

"That's your brain on trauma"

FWIW I can relate to this leafields and it was my experience I made some bad decisions during that time frame. I did not take clear and well informed steps to protect myself and take exquisite care of myself. And it was a steep price. I don’t think the brain on trauma was my best brain.

I don’t know of a single marriage – irrespective of infidelity – that became good due to the efforts of only one of the spouses. It takes a joint commitment and effort from both of you.

Have you told the OM wife?
Several reasons to do this. Like... she deserves to know. Even better – that is the single action that is most likely to end the infidelity. It’s relatively rare that a WS couple leave their respective marriages to become a new couple. In probably 9 out of 10 cases the OM tends to throw his OW under a bus. Then there is the big reason that telling the OMW will give you a clear indication of why your WW wants to reconcile. I’m calling it 8/10 odds that as-is it’s to protect her reputation or OM, and by letting the cat out of the bag that should give you a good stance on her motives to want to reconcile.

Good advice so far.
This is probably the biggest trauma of your life this far. Because of fhat I always recommend the 3 things below

1. Attorney -learn your rights her obligations and what D looks like vs separation for not only you but the kid too.

2. Dr - get tested from all STDs and evaluated. This is such a huge stressor elevated bp lack of sleep poor nutrition all play a part. They can make sure you are staying healthy and give meds to calm that ball of nerves. Getting enough protein is essential. Getting enough sleep is even more so. Ask for a referral for a trauma therapist.

3. Demand yes demand full truth and timeline. Offer this one opportunity to come clean with an understanding that you also get to ask questions for clarification now and forever. If she balks you know she isn't willing to do the work. Make clear she understands anything that you find out she didn't tell you will result in consequences.

Lastly do not warn of consequences if you are unable to carry through.