SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my wife of 27 years having an affair 3 months ago...its just ruined me mentally....

Very sorry you find yourself here! You will receive good support. Please read in the healing library and take care of you. You have suffered a real trauma. Do not underestimate the severity. Many suffer PTSD related to the trauma of infidelity. You will get through this. See an IC to help you cope.

Is the A still going on? The more specifics you can share will be helpful in guiding the responses. Continue to post. We all have been through the pain of discovery

She says its over, but obviously i have no real way of knowing if thats true, after i caught her she continued lying to me and i caught her still talking to him, so my paranoia is in overdrive

I’m so sorry about that Kris78, I’m so sorry you find yourself here.

You are in the right place though, you will receive lots of amazing advice here and although it takes some time you will slowly start to feel mental strength again.

You may want to seek therapy, talking therapy is free on the NHS and is done by self referral in the UK, just contact your GP for the number or private treatment is available much faster, just a quick google will bring up local therapist’s.

Take good care of yourself.

I wish I had come here in the immediate aftermath of my W's disclosures. Please listen to the detailed responses I'm sure you'll receive from some of the regular posters.

I don't know your situation at all, or the state of your marriage. I will say this: even if you both love each other and want reconciliation, DO NOT believe her right now. DO NOT waver on any demands for full transparency or no contact.

Individual counseling (not marital counseling) for both of you is non-negotiable. Be careful with who you choose. None that excuse the affair or victim blame.

Hang in there, brother. Read all the posts in here about the 180. I wish I had.

So sorry this has happened to you Kris!

Look, trust your gut, and evaluate her actions only. She’s proved herself to be a liar.

If you give a few more details, you can get more tailored advice. But in the meantime there’s a thread on JFO by a poster called "yellowdoxie" who got a lot of excellent advice for someone who’s just found out (unfortunately at the present moment he’s elected not to follow that advice and instead live in limbo doing the pick me dance. Hopefully he’ll change his mind).

I just want to tell you that it will get better, and the fastest way to it getting better is by recognizing your self worth. The people that survive infidelity the best seem to be the ones who understand quickly "I don’t deserve this" and act to get themselves out of infidelity. Doing so doesn’t preclude R by the way, and perhaps counterintuitively it seems to be one of the only effective ways to motivate waywards to move heaven and earth to salvage the relationship.

I hope I’m off base, but something about your posts is worrisome. Please contact the services Bruce123 mentioned if you’re even considering self-harm. There are so many people here who can testify that you will survive this!!

Kris

Keep in mind that this is a marathon, but you will prevail.
We here on this site may offer varying advice, but one thing we are pretty consistent with is the statement that they do NOT cheat because of anything we did – or did not do. They cheat because of faults within themselves.
Knowing this might not mitigate the pain, but it helps to know that this is not in any way your fault.

I will leave you with these suggestions:
Talk to someone in person. Having a confidant will help. Can be a friend, a brother, a relative… even a priest or mental-health professional. There is no shame in this because although this is definitely affecting you it’s not because of you.

Focus on what YOU can control.
This might sound rough, but you should possibly tell her that all YOU can do is recover from the pain because you know that six months from now, a year from now, five years from now… YOU will still be dealing with yourself. What remains to be seen is what her role in your life will be at that time. You aren’t clear on the future of the marriage, but your decision will be based heavily on her actions. She’s free to be with OM, contact OM, date OM… but she needs to be clear that ANY such action simply confirms what you might fear the most – that YOU won’t want this marriage.
After all – the only thing you can control is YOU.

Is the OM married and are there others that knew of the affair and or facilitated it?

Both of my daughters knew...and didnt tell me...all the women i love the most betrayed me all at once...im so sad, just a botomless dark sadness i cant escape from..and right now i dont want to escape, all the thoughts racing through my head all day everyday...i cant face it, ive already tried S twice and twice i failed....i love her so much..i cant face being without her...but i cant live with her lies either

RIGH NOW: Go google "MIND mental health helpline"
It’s in your part of the world.
As does Samaritans at 116 123
National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 0800 587 0800

Friend – Read my profile. I WALKED IN on them having sex. That was decades ago and I survived. You can too – but only if you are willing to get the help you need.

Please follow Bigger’s advice NOW, and get the help you need! Good luck!

This sucks, but you CAN get through it. You may need help - I did.

Please find a trauma informed therapist and get the soonest appointment. And call the suicide prevention hotline ANY TIME you feel like you can’t go on. Post the phone number nearby so you have it handy.

Yes, you were betrayed. And it hurts like nothing else. But you can get through this. You can get to the other side and THRIVE.
It will take some time and I wish we could take away the pain. We cannot do that. But we can support you as you navigate this roller coaster.

Who can you tell IRL? Best friend? Sibling? Pastor? Please find someone IRL to talk to. And keep posting.

Im not religious so no pastor...cant really talk to anyone ..i would just break down

Kris, it’s ok to breakdown, Man. You’re in pain to the edge of your limits. Ugly crying is par for the course in these situations, there’s no shame in it. The people who care about you won’t think any less of you. Would you if the situation were reversed?

Keep posting Kris78. We’re not just intently listening, we’re empathizing with you on level most people couldn’t possibly understand unless they too experienced this nightmare.

I was 20 good years into my marriage with three kids. Discovery of my wife’s affair profoundly rocked my world, my perception of it, and yes, my will to live. This site walked me right out of the abyss with well moderated, experienced, diverse, and some extremely well written advice from around the globe.

For me, the very first bit of relief I experienced was from simply posting and commiserating with others who truly understood. Subsequent relief, newfound hope, and then definitive relief soon followed on as others helped guide me towards an action plan.

If you’re just 3- months from discovery, you are certainly in a state of shock and extreme grief. Once you’re able to somewhat compose yourself, start at the beginning of your story and tell about the evolution the affair, how your wayward wife responded on D-Day (the day you confronted her), and where you two are at present.

Kris, it is okay to break down. We all do, even the toughest guys do. You either break down outside or break down inside, which is worse. You've been through an experience that people say, including me, is even worse than cancer. So don't worry about that, your reactions are normal, healthy and to be expected. Don't add to your own sorrow by giving yourself problems. There is no right way to respond to this because infidelity, which is betrayal, kicks all the slats out. It's kicks out the foundations of life. How are we supposed to respond to this?

Your wife is a long term problem. As she does not seem to be willing to end this or you can't yet receive any sense that she will, I would go to a lawyer and discuss divorce. Personally I would start the filing process because something definite needs to happen here. I think people have to take a stand on this issue of what their marriage will and won't be. What the boundaries are. When you see someone who wants to continue an affair, I think people need to set immediate and solid boundaries - I won't take this. This might very well shock her back into reality with all she might lose. And if she still won't stop, then you have no control over the situation, you can only decide what YOU want to do. One thing I will say is I don't think anyone should ever love someone else more than they love themselves. You've got to love and take care of yourself first....you come into life alone, except for Mom, and we all go out alone. Spouse is not gonna be in that coffin with us. These are all voluntary arrangements. You can't love someone else MORE than you love yourself, you can't put them on a pedestal. I think people need to take their spouses OFF the pedestals and be wiling to say, I'm going to leave you flat if this does not end NOW. And then they make their choice whatever it is. But the longer you stay in limbo, the longer this continues. And even if it stops with this affair partner, the problem has not been addressed, and they can just pick up later on with someone else. There is a problem with the spouse that they have to handle. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Even if they were unhappy in the marriage or unhappy with themselves, THIS is not the way to handle it because it is destructive to you AND the marriage without your knowledge. This destroys trust which may never come back (it didn't for me). You can only make your own lines in the sand. Now even if you start a divorce, you can always pull back from it up to the end, but it shows you're serious and you're willing to take an absolute stand of what you will and will not tolerate. People don't like to hear this I know but....I think it's the truth and I have to share it. You'll get all kinds of advice and support here, please stay with us no matter what you decide. I think it WILL help you.

As for your daughters, try not to be too hard on them as much as it hurts because....IMO, they didn't know what to do. They love you both, you're the house they grew up in - not the physical but emotional house. They don't want you to break up, they don't want either of you hurt, and they don't know what to do. They were afraid of hurting both of you by saying anything. This is so common. They were probably hoping this would blow over with Mom and that you'd never know. That sounds awful to hear but it's such a common hope people mistakenly have. Also, I don't know their ages, but it might also be above their maturity level to handle right now. So, keep the lines of communication open with them and talk to them about it, try to understand why they didn't tell you, and let them KNOW how you feel about this, how hurt and betrayed you feel. I think it's important that they know this. If you can't tell them one on one, maybe with a counselor present. But I think you 3 have to be honest with each other (2 daughters right?) because this will poison your future relationship if you all don't learn to understand each other. As hurt and angry as you are, please be willing to talk this out with them and also let them know it makes you distrust them too as it seems like they were more invested in protecting Mom's secret. They have to learn to handle things in their own future relationships too. I think your relationship with them is salvageable. Your wife, I just don't know, I tend to think when someone actively cheats that's about as big an obstacle to continuing marriage as I can think of as it really kind of states what they think of you and the marriage, and that there's no trust. It really is like throwing a grenade into the marriage. I would draw your line firmly in the sand and file for divorce. There is a reason why even the Bible allows for divorce because of adultery because adultery has traditionally been seen, to me, rightfully so, as the end of marriage. Maybe a new one can be started eventually....but this IS the end of the existing marriage. This behavior is NOT acceptable in marriage and has to end immediately. You can't control her or anyone, but you can make your own boundaries known and firm. Stand up for yourself. And don't accept ANY BLAME FOR THIS AT ALL. There is no excuse for adultery. There just isn't. It IS throwing a grenade into the marriage, you can't control the damage, you can't undo it, it is what it is....when someone does this, they are stating, to me, what they think of the marriage and what they think of their spouse. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF OR ACCEPT BLAME FROM HER because often when caught, they will try to twist it back on the spouse. And they will lie endlessly so you have to expect the worst and stand up firmly for yourself. LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE HER.

Kris....love and respect YOURSELF. God does not make junk. You are worthy of love and respect even if your wife doesn't see that now. Maybe she's just a dummy. Maybe she's not what you think she is. Maybe you're a better person than SHE is. But love, respect, and honor yourself, always. That's not the same as egotism. I understand you're not religious, and you don't have to follow any specific religion, but there is some Creator spirit that made all of us and that on some level does care for us. We just keep ignoring it and of course we don't feel it if we keep ignoring it. Try prayer, even on your own, and ask for help in dealing with your problems. I believe it will help to strengthen you and calm you down. There is something beyond this life, I swear this, I have personally seen it even though I don't discuss this. Maybe I should. It does exist. Even if something goes wrong in other things like a relationship, you can't control that, but think of all the other beautiful wonderful things in life that DO exist, and we can't cut ourselves off from that. People do bad things and what your wife has done is literally one of the absolute worst things. That's not your fault. But there are beautiful things in you, your daughters, your life around you. Go spend some time in nature and reconnect with someone outside you and this problem. S is not the answer, it may seem like an escape but it doesn't accomplish anything. What your wife did is what SHE did for HER reasons and it's not because of YOU. Don't hurt yourself because she's an asshole. And she is. You may not like hearing that because you love her so much, but you've got to start loving her less.....because she's an asshole. Anyone who does this IS an asshole. That's just the way it is. Love yourself, Kris....and we want to get to love you too, so talk to us. It's a blessing to us and so many other people you will never even know, that you're in the world with us and we get to experience you. I swear this is true.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 8:54 PM, Tuesday, March 17th]