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The sexual part of my new relationship, the first relationship I have had since leaving my WS, is about 2 months old.

My new partner said that she has never had sex while on her period before and didn’t have any real desire to do so.

However, that doesn’t bother me at all, lol....

So, last month we did it anyway, and it didn’t seem to be a big deal at all.

Last night she got her period again and said that she was not open for business, lol.

When it became clear that I didn’t care, she began having painful cramps... She did not have cramps, or at least voiced that she did last month.

To me, because of the past, lying is the worst thing I feel like she could do, even if its to spare my feelings.

So, I have 2 questions.... Is she lying to me? And if so how do I approach this?

I would prefer her just to be brutally honest, than worry about hurting my feelings and turning me down.

** Edit... I was just looking for some answers and/or support.. For some clarification, we have a very open and fun relationship l do not and did not push her. The previous month once aroused she actually asked me to have sex with her, hence some of my confusion. When I stated I made it clear I didn’t care, I meant in case her concern was due to some insecurity on her end... she stated other men find that gross. I was triggered by the idea that she might lie to me as I am sensitive to being lied to... like I imagine others on here maybe as well. It is not helpful for people to assume the worst and attack... I reached out as I thought this was a safe place. There are too many people on here full of hate and quick to assume the worst of others. Honestly, if you dont have anything nice or positive to say, why say anything at all.

[This message edited by Hurting8264 at 1:20 PM, May 1st (Friday)]

Well, women do get cramps.

When it became clear that I didn’t care,

Curious, how did it become clear? Were you kinda "pushing" for sex even after she indicated she didn't want it?

With sex and bodies and menstrual cycles all being super complicated, I suppose it's possible that she was telling a "white" lie here in order to further express her lack of desire for sex in this context. But there is "clarity" here in that she is/was expressing that she doesn't really enjoy sex at that time of the month. She actually told you she has no desire to do so.

I would not be very worried that she was being dishonest here. If a pattern of apparent dishonesty relative to sex takes hold over time, that would be a different story.

I fully understand the triggeriness of it all for you if she told you something and you were sensing that wasn't true. I don't think it's weird; you're sensitive to this stuff!

My advice would be to definitely communicate, about sex and language, always. Definitely don't push for something she clearly doesn't like.

And recognize the complexity of sex. In the sexual realm, we often communicate differently--with our bodies, with figurative language, our touch, our expressions. It's complex, deeply animal stuff! Not always easily interpreted. Take initiative and help her feel comfortable and let her know that you respect her wishes/boundaries, always. That will lead to clearer and better communication for both of you.

I tried to craft a response in my head first that didn't come across as TMI but considering the topic, I can't.

Speaking for myself, I like to feel clean 'down there' when I have sex. When I have my period, that is impossible. I have had sex during my period but the whole time the only thing I thought about was how gross I felt and wondering what he was going to see on his penis/condom after it was over and if that was going to gross him out and thinking if the towel we laid down didn't do its job. Not to mention, there wasn't exactly any foreplay before hand that would help ME climax.

Women are used to dealing with cramps and it is not like we walk around and declaring we have cramps every few minutes. But yes, I will disclose having cramps at the time I am asked to do something when I am not feeling very good because of them.

In my opinion, I don't think she was lying.

***posting as a member***

However, that doesn’t bother me at all

When it became clear that I didn’t care

It's not all about you and what you want.

she has never had sex while on her period before and didn’t have any real desire to do so.

Last night she got her period again and said that she was not open for business

She already told you it's not something she really wanted to do. She caved to make you happy once, but still doesn't care for it and it appears doesn't want to do it again. Honestly, she's told you no as delicately as she can. And yet, you manage to twist this around and make yourself the victim here. IMHO, the issue here isn't her "lying", it's you not respecting her and the fact she does not want to have sex while on her period.

Last night she got her period again and said that she was not open for business, lol.

When it became clear that I didn’t care, she began having painful cramps... She did not have cramps, or at least voiced that she did last month.

I'm confused. Are you saying that she said she wasn't interested in having sex ("she said she was not open for business"), you continued to push to have sex ("it became clear I didn't care"), and you think it's a red flag that she was lying about cramps to get you to stop? Not that you were continuing to push for sex after she made it clear she was not interested? That you weren't respecting her boundaries because you decided they weren't important to you?

In my decades of experience with periods, I randomly get very painful cramps. Some periods I don't experience them at all. Some periods I experience horrific cramps on and off for days. It just happens, with no discernible rhyme or reason.

As for having sex on my period, I've done it a bunch of times before but not anymore, because I realized that no matter what I tried, it's not really enjoyable for me. The increased wetness makes me feel PIV sex with less sensitivity. Often after period sex, I will get hit with intense, extremely painful cramps, so it's not worth it to me. And, in general, I often don't feel like having sex on my period because I feel bloated and uncomfortable, my boobs are achy and I feel much, much more tired than normal. (This includes oral sex, too. If I don't feel good, whether it's because of my period or coming dowm with a cold, the last thing I want to do is have sex.) I'd be much more interested in snuggling up and hanging ouy together in comfortable pants than being groped in tender places.

IMO don't sweat the small stuff. There isn't enough to detect a pattern. Life isn't constant, are all your headaches the same? I would also be curious how it became "clear" too. I've had cramps hit me from no where and I'm not a woman lol.

XWW usually had light periods, but every now and then a bad one with lots of cramps where she'd use a heating blanket. It wasn't something you could set your watch by.

Another female response here, and posting as a member.

Did not like sex on period. Felt gross to me. Xhole would push me all the time, and it infuriated me because it was like unless I was writhing in obvious pain in a fetal position he did not believe it was "that bad." It was like I had to re-explain/justify myself every damn month! Why is it so hard to understand that saying once "don't want sex while on my period" meant every month? Rhetorical question, but that was my thinking for decades. It pissed me off to no end.

Cramps, for me, were not consistent. Some months none, some months mild, some months excruciating, but I never said anything and powered thru...unless xhole wanted sex and I actually had to verbalize I was in pain.

Your GF said she doesn't care for sex on her period. That means EVERY month. Respect that and don't go there every month seeing if she changed her mind. She will let you know, if that happens.

Sorry to be blunt, but this brings back infuriating memories of my ex.

ETA: Xhole would also always come back with, "I hear sex is good for cramps!" Asshole. Yeah, let me twist your guts in a vice and let's see how well your erection works. Every freaking month we went thru this! Have some compassion.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:35 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

We all have the right to expect our SO to be considerate of us when we feel less than our best. Being supportive sometimes requires a little more give on our part than we ourselves feel is necessary (doesn't bother us but bothers our partner). And there is sure to come a time when she will give a little more to you on something you're not comfortable with.

It's called compromise, and all good relationships have some form of it in action. They require it to survive.

She's told you she isn't comfortable with it and doesn't enjoy it.

What more do you need to know?

And really, is this the hill you want to stand on?

IMHO, the issue here isn't her "lying", it's you not respecting her and the fact she does not want to have sex while on her period.

Totally agree with this.

Look, she doesn't care for it. Why is it so important to you that you need to push for it? It's just a few days, right?

Do you feel entitled to sex because you're in a relationship? If so, I would seriously think about losing that attitude because it is very much counter to what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. Sex should be something you BOTH want and desire, not something she does to get you to stop whining about it.

I was married to someone who felt entitled to sex and who couldn't understand I didn't want to be intimate while I was menstruating. It was a monthly battle. Every. Single. Month. It has affected me a great deal emotionally now that I have gone on to have post-divorce relationships.

Please don't inflict this on her. I'd take a long hard look at myself and what I was doing here vs. asking if she might be lying about having cramps.

Cat

I agree with all the ladies here.

Hurting, sometimes it feels like your uterus is falling out. To have sex with that feeling. Not a chance.

Pushing for sex during this time is inconsiderate. This is a new relationship. Respect her boundaries. Show your understanding.

Massage her back or shoulders, build intimacy another way.

Intimacy doesn't always mean sex.

Be the guy that understands and supports her.

Some more TMI for you here. Not all women are the same during this time and neither are our periods. It is absolutely possible that she does not feel good. Sometimes my cycle does not phase me at all and other times I feel horrible in that area. Cramps do not happen every time. Sometimes mine are bad and the next time I have none. IT could also depend on heavy she is that day verses another.

Did you ask her if she was uncomfortable with it after last time? It sounds like you talked her into it when she expressed her lack of desire to do so. She could not have wanted you to do that again OR she really could have had some cramps...or BOTH.

I am just going to have to say that I think you were mostly disappointed that you didn't get sex! I would not consider this lie territory although we all know we are on high alert for that.

I suggest that you just ask her how she felt about doing that last time for the first time with patience and understanding. Let her know you will respect her answer. It really is not personal to you. It would be good for you to know in a relationship what she is really thinking and feeling and letting her know it is safe to tell you. IT can be hard to tell a man if he is dismissive argues or pushes anyway. Don't do that!

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:09 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I would prefer her just to be brutally honest, than worry about hurting my feelings and turning me down.

She was honest - TWICE:

...she has never had sex while on her period before and didn’t have any real desire to do so.

Last night she got her period again and said that she was not open for business

Is she lying to me?

No. See above. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX DURING HER PERIOD. Doesn't matter that this is not a biggie to you - it is to her. And if she is faking to get out of sex....you should feel doubly-bad that she feels she even needs to do that.

I would be very upset if I was in her shoes.

she began having painful cramps

I can vouch for what others stated. Some months were minimal pain. THEN BAM...other months were mega cramps, soreness, etc.

And if so how do I approach this?

You approach this by not approaching this. She did not lie to you. She told you she has no interest in doing this. You should respect it and never bring it up again. If she says it is not open for business - that is the end of discussion. You counter with some non-sexual activity that both of you can enjoy. No pursuading, no pouting.

Do not make her feel bad about this. It doesn't look good to anyone's character to do so.

She should be questioning her relationship with you.

This seems simple enough. No means no.

No, even if she hasn't tried it before and might like it, means no.

No, even if she's done it before, means no.

No, even though you really want to and you don't mind if she's on her period, means no.

So, whether she lied or not about cramps (btw the other women on here sounded off, and it is true, every month can be very different, even when most months are similar), the first and foremost issue is you need to respect her body and wishes; sex should be consensual.

Maybe she just doesn't want piv sex, there are plenty of other sexual things that you can do that perhaps she MIGHT be ok with.

Or maybe she just doesn't want to be sexual AT ALL.

The biggest problem here is that YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO HER!!!!

From what you've described here, I feel sorry for her. She is telling you what she wants/doesn't want and you turn that into something about you. She has told you that SHE DOESN'T CARE WHETHER YOU CARE. Her not wanting sex doesn't have to be because she thinks YOU wouldn't like it. It can be because SHE doesn't like it. For whatever reason. She doesn't need to have a reason.

Let's say she would get off by shoving a baseball bat up your ass. And you tell her not to do that because you aren't interested in that. But she says it doesn't bother her that you don't want your ass fucked with a baseball bat. Because she knows plenty of guys that like that.

How does that make you feel?

As others have said: no means no. Listen to her and be sensitive to her needs. If you want to stay together.

There are plenty of other women in the world that would be game for this. Maybe you would be better off with one of them.

[This message edited by ZenMumWalking at 1:42 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

When it became clear that I didn’t care,

I don't understand what you are saying here. The meaning makes ALL the difference in the world.

Scenario 1:

You mean that it doesn't bother you to have sex if she is on her period. It isn't an issue for you at all. It doesn't gross you out. No big deal.

My response: Your preference doesn't really get a vote here since she already said she wasn't "open for business". End of conversation. No sex.

Scenario 2:

You mean that you don't care that you can't have sex. You respect her "not open for business" preference.

My response: Respecting her, her body, and her preference is critical in a relationship and you are doing it right.

More comments: Based on the fact that she then mentions that she was having cramps tells me that Scenario 1 was what happened. That's not cool! I would feel disrespected, like nothing more than an object if my partner went past my "no". Don't pressure or mention that she did it once before. She was kind enough to try something for your benefit. She didn't like it.

A boyfriend once made an eggplant lasagna for me. I hate eggplant. He knew this but thought his recipe might change my mind. I tried it in order to respect his efforts and try to be more open minded about the vegetable. I did not like it. He never asked me to eat it again. He didn't make it for me again because I tried it that one time. He didn't put in in the regular list of meals because I tried it once.

Even bringing up that she might be lying makes me really uncomfortable.

[This message edited by Snapdragon at 3:01 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

And another thought: you could have easily resolved any confusion with a simple CONVERSATION. You could have just asked her 'are you saying that because you are worried that it might bother ME, or because YOU don't like it'. And then she tells you.

If she tells you that she doesn't like it, the. end. Don't push.

Eeek...this entire post is triggery. For all the reasons mentioned above. And all the BW's who I expected would chime in, did. Please listen to them. The anger (fury, yep me too Phoenix!!) and icky feelings these women feel reading your post, having been in her shoes, were most certainly felt by your girlfriend.

Simple. So simple. No. Means. No.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:33 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

Is she lying?

Maybe the better questions is:

Should you apologize? '

Very good news on this post. We don't think she is a bad apple for this and you can relax and enjoy your relationship knowing that we don't think she was. It also does not mean she does not want you. Good news!!!!

.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:17 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

She could be lying, but i doubt she was. Some months inget really bad cramps, some months I get tolerable cramps that I don't bother talking about. It even changes day to day and hour to hour. I could be having bad cramps for a few hours and finally get some respite. You've only been her partner for a short time, it will take you a while to learn her body, hell it took me years to learn mine and it still throws me for a loop from time to time.

The question is, do you trust her. Also, like others have stated, most women just aren't in the mood when we're on our periods. I've never even been gentle about letting a guy know the cookies are off the menu when I'm on my period. I'm just blunt and firm. Nope, no, no way, nada, not happening. I've had sex 2x on my period in my entire life. Im 50.