SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I got a message from a man on a dating site. His profile was nice (ex NYPD), in his late 60's, and photos were current and he looked put together.

We emailed a few times and then we talked on the phone. He was very chatty, and was talking about how he stays fit and his photos are current. Then he mentions - "the only thing you don't see in the photos is my ponytail"!! I honestly thought he was kidding and said "you're kidding, right"? He said no - he had been undercover for many years before he retired and grew his hair long for work, and likes it that way. He has a full head of hair on top and said when he takes it out of the ponytail, it looks like a mullet... then he asks what I think about men with a ponytail, and I was honest and said - "I really don't like them".... he continued talking and wants to meet sometime soon.

Funny thing was he mentioned being "picky" about women - that he didn't care for women with tattoos that show. He said - its a turn off.

I guess that's how I think about him - the ponytail is a turn off. Should I just forget about this one altogether? I doubt he would ever cut his hair, and I know what I don't like - and a mullet is something I really hate.

What do you all think?

Unless you are dead set against dating a guy with a ponytail (and no matter if he were the kindest man around), I'd at least meet him if there weren't red flags. I also recommend reading the book "The Science of Happily Ever After" as it talks about how to go about screening potential partners so you wind up in the ~30% of long-term relationships that are relatively happy and healthy.

It's been 5 years since I've dated, but one thing I remember is the book talks about what things are important (kindness, integrity) and what things aren't important (being 6 feet tall, making $150,000/year, superficial characteristics) and that you really only get three non-negotiables before you essentially shrink your pool so much you can't find anyone who meets them. And so many people prioritize unimportant things, that they either wind up alone because they can't find someone who meets their standards, or they wind up in an unfulfilling relationship, because they super attractive rich guy is unavailable, or borderline abusive, or whatever.

When I first started dating my SO 5 years ago, I remember considering (early on) breaking up with him because of a few minor things, like he'd make funny faces in photographs. But no one is going to be absolutely perfect, and I reread sections of that book, which helped me see that my SO was a great guy (so kind, so generous, supports himself) and I stuck it out, so glad that I didn't let a few superficial things end it.

Also, after we'd been on two dates, but had agreed to be exclusive while we figured things out, I ran into him and a couple of friends at an event. These friends did not know we'd been on dates and neither one of us let on as we wanted to see where things would go before there was any pressure. My SO's female friend said to him and to another single guy "Did you meet phmh? She's really fun! One of you should ask her out!" SO was rather non-committal ("she does seem great!") so as to not let on, and single male friend said "I could NEVER date someone who wears flip-flops!" It's now become an inside joke in friend circle, and single male friend is still single because his standards are so high no one can meet them, yet he complains to SO that he wishes he could be in a relationship like ours.

Long story, but I guess I'm saying unless you are absolutely repulsed, you might be throwing away a chance at a really great, kind man with whom you could have great happiness, over something immaterial and superficial.

Interesting. This is somewhat of a question on OKcupid referencing men with long hair. My answer is along the lines of it is outdated... even Jon Bon Jovi *swoon* eventually cut his hair, but you do you.

What I do not say...I will swipe left. I think it falls into personal preference (on your part and mine, nothing wrong).

I specifically recall one guy that was 6’6” and said how he preferred tall women. He liked my profile, and I’m thinking why???? I’m 5’4”!! I think he then went back and ACTUALLY READ my profile, within a few hours he had unmatched. 😂

I say meet him. You never know. In-person dynamics are way different than talking and texting. The hair may not be as big an issue as you might think.

Funny thing was he mentioned being "picky" about women - that he didn't care for women with tattoos that show. He said - its a turn off.

I guess that's how I think about him - the ponytail is a turn off. Should I just forget about this one altogether? I doubt he would ever cut his hair, and I know what I don't like - and a mullet is something I really hate.

I say if he's allowed to be picky, you are too. If you just really don't like ponytails (especially mullet ones) to the level at which he doesn't like tattoos, you don't need to pursue this. Other characteristics matter a lot more than his ponytail, for sure, but you don't have to give everyone a chance if there's something that you just know you aren't going to be into.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:01 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

So, I'm a bit of a hippie and I LOVE long hair on men. Give me a man with a man-bun and I swoon.

But, mullets can be a category all their own. Though, come to think of it, one of my most interesting friends has a mullet and it looks kinda cool on him. If its a deal breaker for you, thats fine. But, if everything else is good about this guy, you don't want to throw it all away.

Thank you for your thoughts on this. I've decided to at least meet him once and see how it goes.

To PHMH - I ordered that book you talked about - I think it can help me in a lot of ways. Can't wait to start it tonight.

Thanks again for your responses...

I think it's worth meeting up. TBH his statement about being "picky" about women is more troublesome to me than the ponytail - but that's just me

TBH his statement about being "picky" about women is more troublesome to me than the ponytail - but that's just me

Yeah, me too, lol. I just picture "Don't cut your hair, ew. And I don't really like women who wear red. Why don't you wear heels more often? You know I don't like it when you wear silver jewelry. Isn't that a bit too much make-up?". Just sitting there with his mullet, being picky about women, ha ha ha.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 10:45 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

You don't have to reject him. Just tell him you work summers in the circus as the Tatoo Lady.

You could meet just to see if anything is there. I once refused to date men that were short. I am short and wanted the opposite. Well, my guy is not tall. :)

My point is: sometimes you meet and it changes your view.

UPDATE - changed my mind, and I won't be meeting this guy after all. We have texted a few times, and yesterday I was very sick all day. I got some new medication from my Doctor, and I was getting side effects of headaches, dizziness, fatigue etc. With COVID it was making me very nervous, so since I didn't have my grandchildren until they got off the bus at 4 - I pretty much just slept and stayed in bed all day. Mr. Ponytail texted me, and I just didn't feel like responding. Last night I was feeling better and went on the dating web site and had an email from him. - "since I can't seem to get a response from you when I text you, I thought I'd go on here to see if I hear from you".

(From the time he sent the text to the time he wrote the email - only 5 hours had gone by)!! ??

I wrote back to him today and told him I feel we are in 2 different places with our free time and what we expect from someone in response time, and don't want to meet after all. I just don't think it's a good match.

That's it - next......

I think the words "men" and "ponytail" should never be used in the same sentence.

I also would have cancelled the date after him doing that.

I personally can't stand when someone texts me "????" if I haven't answered immediately.

I once had a date with a guy that seemed to be a bit aggressive in his approach but I still showed up at the date. When I got home he texted and asked if he could video chat with me. I told him no. He went ahead and video called me anyway. I didn't pick up and told him not to contact me again. Geesh!

I hate that aggressive demand for attention early on.

I had one guy on a dating site call me a racist 16 minutes after messaging me in the middle of the day on a Tuesday because I didn't immediately reply. Can you imagine what a nightmare dating someone that pushy and unbalanced would be?

You could have told him that you were picky about men too, lol. Dudes who annoy you are out of the running.

You could have told him that you were picky about men too, lol. Dudes who annoy you are out of the running.