SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read the words "love without conditions" (in regards to a partner) and it made me realize that, with the exception of my children, I love with conditions.

With a partner, the conditions are to not betray me and not mistreat me. I don't betray and abuse so I expect the same in return. You do one or the other, I can't be with you.

Can anyone say that they can love a partner without conditions? Maybe I'm loving wrong? But this was the main reason why I couldn't stay with my wexh.

I think unconditional love (with the exception of children) is a crock for any relationship.

If someone deliberately damages the relationship in any way (addiction, affairs, abuse, etc.), they risk losing their partner or friend's love. Plain and simple.

I wouldn't beat myself up over something like this.

Cat

Cat, thanks for your input I always appreciate your point of view :)

I think we should love with conditions to protect ourselves, but that doesn't seem to be the case a lot of times.

Not sure how to get the correct wordage on this:

All love is conditional / love is never conditional…

I think love is fed. It’s like a fire that needs oxygen to remain alive. If you don’t feed it… it dies. I can then accept that not feeding oxygen/love to a child might be hard and probably not totally possible. But “love” for a child IS conditional IMHO.

I would love my son a lot more when he’s showing me his degree, his new home, his loving wife and grandchildren, his success in his career… than I would if he was doing time for child molestation or spousal abuse or serial rape and murder. I would still have feeling and maybe even love for him… but it would definitely be getting less oxygen.

Anyone remember that guy in Norway that went ahead and shot nearly 90 people on some island? He’s doing life in prison. I remember reading an interview with his mom or dad (so long ago I don’t remember) where they described how they had a hard time feeling parental “love” for him after his actions. Made me wonder at the time (and that’s why I remember it) if a parent can really ever turn off the oxygen.

Love for a partner? Well… I have loved several women over the years as a partner. Only love one now. I no longer fed the love to the others because the conditions weren’t there anymore and therefore the love wasn’t fed. I probably care for some of them – if they were any part of my life still – but definitely not love.

If I believed I loved a woman I dated +20 years ago and haven’t seen for +20 years then I would probably be confusing love for obsession.

As a BS I feel that unconditional love in a new relationship may be impossible for me.

I fell out of love with my own mother when she betrayed my father.

Infidelity destroys unconditional love.

I tried to love my STBXWH again but my heart just wouldn’t allow it. But, my WH had many conditions and all were selfish and self serving.

I hope that infidelity hasn’t destroyed my ability to love again but only time and healing will tell.

"Love without conditions" is propaganda. Love is evident by actions. "Love" by itself is just an abused word without weight.

Love isn't even unconditional with our children. People kick out violent, addicted, thieving children every day because they aren't safe to live with.

Tolerating abuse isn't love. My STBXSA often accused me of not loving him unconditionally like he supposedly loved me. Easy to say when he's the one doing the betraying I guess.

Unconditional love goes to my kids and furbabies. Love with another person is definitely conditional for me anyways.

I think you can love unconditionally. I can't trust unconditionally. And I believe there are consequences that can be hard and loving at the same time eg detaching in love.

I've thought about this question, because I think XWW and I thought about our relationship differently. When I was married, I probably would have said that marital love was supposed to be unconditional. It was a commitment to this idea that was at least part of the reason I tried to reconcile with her. But that didn't last. I think most of the people here are forced to admit that there are some things that love cannot survive.

But there are other ways of thinking about this question. I think back often to a conversation that XWW would later point to as a justification for why she checked out of our marriage.

At the tail end of an argument (I don't remember what about), I had declared that I loved her, and she asked "Why? Why do you love me?"

My answer, "I love you because you're my wife."

This wasn't the answer she was looking for. She wanted me to list the things that I loved about her. But that wasn't the question she asked. To me, my love for her wasn't a matter of her having won me over with her wonderful qualities, but a part of the bond that we shared, and that we had build over a decade of knowing each other and sharing life together. To me, the answer of why I loved my wife was very much like the answer I would give to why I loved my daughter. Sure, I could list all the cool things about my kid that give me a since of pride and joy, but none of those are the reason that I love her. I love her because she's mine. Period.

I felt the same way about my spouse.

To her, the answer I gave to that question was disappointing. After all, she explained, there wasn't anything specific about her. My answer could have applied to anyone.

To me, it was exactly the opposite. What I had said was important precisely because it COULDN'T apply to anyone else. For any quality of hers I could name, there could be many thousands of others who shared it. But none of them were her. The thing that made her special to me was that she was special to me. To her, this was a bland and unromantic way of thinking about love. To me, it was the most meaningful way possible.

I think my way of thinking has been borne out somewhat by what happened. Ultimately, I was replaceable to her. Expendable. Able to be reduced to what she was able to get out of me. When she had an affair, she got whatever she was interest in out of me, and whatever else from her AP, and then discarded me. And that's something I never would have done to her.

I think this is what people mean when they talk about conditional vs. unconditional love. I don't think they mean that you have to forgive people for doing horrible things to you, or stay in a relationship that is harmful. I don't think it means that love is supposed to survive horrific brutalization from things like infidelity. Frankly, as far as conditions go, not betraying and abusing someone is a pretty damn low bar to clear, and pretty amazing that all of our spouses somehow failed to clear it.

But while I definitely discovered in the worst possible way that there were definitely things that could kill my love for her, there wasn't anything she had to do to earn it. I think that's what it supposed to mean. I don't think everyone really thinks about marriage in this way.

I think unconditional love (in romantic relationships at least) is unhealthy.

I mean when you break down what it actually means, continuing to love someone regardless of the way they treat you, its not something i would ever want my children to practice.

Of course I can love without strings attached and I think thats the closest I will get to unconditional love.

skeetermooch:

Love isn't even unconditional with our children. People kick out violent, addicted, thieving children every day because they aren't safe to live with.

Tolerating abuse isn't love. My STBXSA often accused me of not loving him unconditionally like he supposedly loved me. Easy to say when he's the one doing the betraying I guess.

I swear to God, they all share the same book they quote out of. This is the same thing my ex did. Accuse me of not loving him unconditionally while he went off cheating.

@dbellanon: your post gave me food for thought, it's a refreshing way to look at it. especially this part:

But while I definitely discovered in the worst possible way that there were definitely things that could kill my love for her, there wasn't anything she had to do to earn it. I think that's what it supposed to mean.

thank you for sharing, I will think about it some more.