SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone!

I was here long time ago- not sure if anyone remembers my story...

We have been divorced for just below 10 years. X took me to court suing for more money etc few years later.. he got awarded some lump sum. Which I paid. But he was also requested to pay child support + 50% of school fees.

He had some financial difficulties last year. So I lent him little money and he did not pay child support for 6 months. When I asked when he will pay back - he said I need to prove I need the money and as I don’t (I do btw) he is not going to pay..

Surprise surprise he has financial difficulties again. So I am not tempted to help him (he still feels entitled like I owe him 😱). So his choices is to go back to his home country Canada (Move in with his dad) or or risk bankruptcy proceedings (which will ruin any chances of him getting a job in the industry) . He can look for a job in London’s whilst in Canada as all interviews these days are online anyways./

He is ‘asking’/ demanding for help and my views.. I am tempted to suggest he moves back to Canada. But suspect he will say I only say this because I want him away from dd.

Anyways.. SI always gives good advice .. please tell me your views..

On a different note I need to position myself for living without child support + paying all school fees.. which means I need higher paying job.. but those are tomorrow’s problems and I will fix them.:

In the mean time.. what to do with x...

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 1:44 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

I'm not sure what legal recourse you would have in the UK, but here in the States, you could file a complaint for contempt and he would have to answer for why he didn't pay child support. It doesn't just go away because he wishes it to.

My ex pulled the same stunt. He had to pay.

Cat

Xhole was a lot like your ex - always in financial difficulty and asking for help. I made it clear that his difficulties were not my problem as he was a grown ass adult and needed to solve his own problems. He kept crying the "poor me" game and asked one last time, at the same time that he was recycling his old threats of suicidal thoughts. And I should note that last "poor me" begging came right after (I'm talking less than a month) he was boasting to me that he had just purchased himself a new handgun as a "birthday present to himself." Major eyerolls for that one! Anyway, I told him I would lend him the money he needed to pay rent in exchange for all his firearms, including the new one he just purchased as collateral. In essence, he pawned them to me in exchange for rent assistance. Well, I gave him the money, received all weapons (and I knew what he had as they were part of the divorce settlement), and haven't seen a dime in payback since. That was, oh, four years ago? I knew he wouldn't pay me back, which is why I required collateral that was worth something to me.

After that ^^^ transaction, I made it clear that it was the absolute last time I would help him in any way and not to ever ask me again. I had my reasons for helping when I did, and I was under no delusion that I would ever see anything paid back. I know him too well. He's remarried now so he is officially someone else's problem.

So, now to your situation. Take a cue from mine. You've helped him, he is not paying child support, and is being a dick about paying you back. Time to cut off the money supply FOR GOOD. Not only would I cut him off, I would go after him for back child support. Not sure how it works across the pond in the UK, but I wouldn't let it slide. He is a parent and has a responsibility to support his own children.

Any help is enabling his financial irresponsibility. As I said, he is a grown adult. Time for him to act like one and be responsible for himself. He fired you from that job, remember? Not only that, but he took you BACK to court for more money and got it! Cut.him.off. You are not his personal ATM or therapist. NC. NC. NC.

Yes, you do need to plan for living without child support and help with school expenses. Let the court deal with that, and if you get something it will just be a little something extra. Pretend he is dead and you are left to support yourself and your kids entirely on your own. It's sad, but that is basically what I did (my youngest was still at home at time of D and I supported her entirely and paid all expenses, including her orthodontia).

Time to be strong, Melisssa.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:09 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

In UK - if he does not have an income (he will be unemployed as of January) - he won’t have to pay (Or pay something minuscule). Somehow if you are unemployed and liable for paying child support it automatically means the child does not have to eat.. so no, court will not help me.. ridiculous of course but hey it is what it is.

Similar for school fees.

My best case scenario Is he leaves London I believe.. less money But also less headache.. as him being narcissistic Dad - I don’t have to say much..

Worst case - he attempts to stay in London and really reaches rock bottom And our dd sees that. + kills his chances of a decent job

Hi MelissaZZZ! I remember you! Sorry you are back for this reason. Sorry you had the same experience as I did with xpos suing me for money more than once after the D. He didn't like it when he discovered that I got some of his 401K in the 50/50 split of assets! In my case, xpos got nothing but bills for L and court fees.

You may have set a dangerous precedent by helping him the other time you describe. Seems like he now feels very entitled and that you will come to his rescue again and every time he declares financial problems or feels like taking a break from any responsibilities.

Good luck.

Thank you guys - Cat and Phoenix - I remember you :). Especially the times I went against the advice :)

Not this time- will follow it 100%! courts will not help me (I knew this day will come so asked my lawyer at the time for this kind of scenario) So that would be a pointless move here.

So, no further help and will pretend he is dead. And will tell him to move to Canada.

I am working on a plan to live without the help and it’s going well - I will be fine - I always am - this part does not worry me much. Him messing with dd’s head more then he already does- that’s my main worry

Thank you thebighurt! Ouch for your experience too!!

When I helped I also said this was one time situation and I was not a person for him to rely on.. And that he has to make sure he never has to ask me again.. and in courts here he has 0% chance of getting anything from me as he has used this avenue already and now it’s 100% shut. So I am safe there

As for being entitled - show me a narcissist who is not !!!

^^^^^^ point taken!

I have repeatedly posted this on SI:

Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage.

Your relationship with ex is purely as coparents and if he doesn’t pay child support he’s cheating his kids, not you per se. Place as much distance between you and ex, even if that means using some institution like the CMS (Child Maintenance Service) to manage payments. They do take a fee, but getting slightly less beats getting nothing in my books, plus they will go after him, his benefits, taxes etc if he defaults.

I think there is some misunderstanding going on: Being unemployed gives your husband the possibility of deferring his payments, but he still has to make them. I.e. if he can’t pay 500 he might pay 200, but the remaining 300 will be on the books, possibly with interest.

I never suggest being an @sshole when divorcing. I think even an amicable divorce is an unpleasant thing. But your ex has already shown he’s not going to stand by his commitments. That should NOT be your issue.

Yes agreed on having a distance and for most of the time I have and I do. Rarely speak to him and even then it’s about dd. Unless it’s this ..

In terms of child support - it’s different in the uk. If he is unemployed he will have to pay like 15usd a week. And the rest will not be accumulating Unfortunately. As I said in the uk if he loses job somehow it magically means kids don’t have to eat and it’s resident parents problem. Unfair I know but cannot change the system..

I have told him I am not helping.

I don’t feel he is cheating me out, whilst in a way he is. the lump sum was awarded to him based on the assumption he would be paying child support and 50% school fees until she is 18 or in uni. DD is 11.

I have always know this is how it’s going to go.. so not surprised. That’s why I know the answers - checked with my lawyer then.

Just want to shield dd as much as possible.

"He is ‘asking’/ demanding for help and my views.. I am tempted to suggest he moves back to Canada. But suspect he will say I only say this because I want him away from dd."

He can demand all he wants, but he's no longer your problem. I wouldn't even give him my view on whether he should move or not. He sounds like he'd blame you if he chooses what you suggest if it goes wrong. I like what Bigger says. "Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage."

That does not confirm with the official UK Government agency site that I googled.

SI site rules forbid pasting links, but by googling “unemployment child support united kingdom” the very first links were .gov.uk sites and they confirm that although unemployment might lower payments you don’t escape them completely AND you might be required to catch up later.

They also confirm that you as the recipient of child maintenance can have a government agency handle this, basically outsourcing the task of monitoring his late payments.

Please – I might be wrong. But just for your sake please contact a support group to make sure YOU are right.

Yes, you are correct it lowers - to approximately 15/20 usd a week which compared to 1500usd a month (+ school fees another 1000usd) whilst a it’s not zero in overall scheme of things from recipients perspective it’s close to 0.

I am unfamiliar with the laws in the UK, but I would imagine that if he is not yet unemployed, he still owes you full-boat from when he was working. And you may have to file for it in order to have it enforced.

I would check all of this out very thoroughly and make sure I understood all of the nuances and knew how to proceed in my best interests.

Cat

Yes that’s also correct for this and next month (while still in employment) he owes me.

I will add our to the previous non payment and will ask my lawyer for next steps - e.g guess court order.

A court order's probably the best way to go, possibly look at going through CMS for payment so you don't have contact.

As for schools, look at the state schools in your catchment area. There are some really good ones that provide a high standard of education.

I’ll try and stick with the private school for now. Before I paid lump sum - he did not pay any child support and I paid school fees in full, so I could do it then.

At least I know I can pay this year and next and by then I should have worked out how to increase income.

That said there is one excellent state school nearby - will check it out just to see

Thank you everyone for your support - it’s warmly appreciated and I am so grateful

X said he is not leaving London until ‘forced’ .. bliss

It may be worth looking into scholarship situations with regards to the school. I believe lots of them do full or partial ones.

This has to be so frustrating for you. Your situation is an example of why there are all of the 'no contact' recommendations here. There is no reason for you to ever know his financial life. All communication should be non financial 'need to know only' concerning the children. All financial items that arise are legal issues that have already been settled in your divorce.

If he doesn't pay, you don't say a word. You keep track of what he owes, and then have your lawyer send a warning, and if payment isn't made by the lawyers date, he then files contempt. Much simpler for you going forward. This is the only respect you will ever get from him. Every time you cater to him, he looses even more respect and will take more advantage of you the next time.

Good luck. By the way, he sounds like a spoiled older child. They dynamic is that of a troubled family member, yet he is not your family or your responsibility.

On a different note I need to position myself for living without child support + paying all school fees.. which means I need higher paying job.. but those are tomorrow’s problems and I will fix them.:

Meant to include this. I agree with you on this. It is not looking good, but you still need to carry out the demand legally. It will be his responsibility to file notice explaining he can't pay and prove it. Meanwhile, you are free to agree to allow him to stop payments, through your lawyer or the court, at any time you choose.

Also, most importantly, he may be trying to set you up to demand another lump sum. It is important he doesn't see you as being miss money bags. He is clearly one of those 'types'. Be careful.