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Hey yall, I'm putting this in a new post since I'm hoping to get some comments that will help me make sense of what happened last night. My head is spinning.

In my last post, I explained that I had been dating someone since June 2021 who hadn't had sex with me yet. It bothered me internally, and then about a month ago I had a vulnerable talk with him based off advice from my IC about how the rejection made me feel and asked him if there was a reason why he kept saying no. During that talk, I also disclosed (per advice of my IC) that I had a prior medical issue that caused pain with sex, and so I would be fine with sexual stuff that didn't involve penetration. He said no specific reason - sometimes tired, sometimes headache, sometimes too tipsy, etc. Then a couple weeks later very late at night while he was drunk, he told me that there was a reason but that he wasn't ready to share what it was. I sent him an emotional text the next day telling him how that made me feel, and he responded that we needed to talk in person. I posted here, and decided to end it. We had a trip planned to Mexico that had already been paid though on Valentine's weekend, and had a pretty good friendship (had fun hanging out together) so I decided to keep things inside, have no sex, and end it after the trip.

We left Friday for the trip. Despite my best efforts, my feelings of rejection had been building up though. About a week before the trip, I had sent him a text asking if he wanted to talk about everything in person. He said not before the trip. On Saturday in Mexico, I got triggered. He was talking about filming a short film, and how the camera guy had invited camera guy's girlfriend to be there for it. I asked if I could come too, and he said no. He was drunk at the time and said he didn't want me there because I'd be jealous of the scene that they were shooting with him and a girl. I felt triggered, and the next day I told him that we had to talk. All my feelings of rejection came out again, and we talked about the lack of sex, the lack of the girlfriend label, and the lack of him bringing me around his friends. He had a reasonable explanation for all of it, and then for the first time told me that the sex stuff was due to a medical reason that causes him pain. Some days are good, some days are bad, and he's getting treatment for it. He said that he didn't feel comfortable sharing the diagnosis with me because he hadn't told anyone yet, not even his parents. He did say not a STD though and not death threatening.

So I spent the rest of the day feeling torn about whether I should still end it or not. Due to my own medical issues causing pain with sex, I completely understand why he wouldn't want to share it. I spent time in IC the past year learning how to communicate it to a partner, and there was a time where I didn't think I'd ever be strong enough to actually share it because I felt like less of a woman. So, anyway, I didn't think I could break up with him now that I knew "the real reason." But the thing that was still bothering me is that he had previously told me that there wasn't a reason at all. So after the plane landed back in the US and we got to my place, I asked that question. I told him it felt untruthful and so I was wondering why he didn't tell me back then that there was a reason he wasn't ready to share. He responded that it's medical and he's not ready to share. I said I know, but why a month ago did you tell me no reason at all. He just responding last night to that question with "it's medical, I'm not sharing." Then he got up out of bed and said he should go home. I was like "I'm not trying to get you to tell me the diagnosis, I'm just trying to understand why you said no reason at all. It feels untruthful, and that makes me question whether you've been truthful about other things like why you don't bring me around your friends." His response was "my medical stuff is personal and I thought we had already resolved this on Sunday. It feels like you're pressuring me, and going at it from a different angle with your questions. If this isn't going to drop, then I need to leave." I told him that if he left, it was over. He grabbed his stuff and walked out the door without looking at me, without saying a word, without a hug, or anything.

It's the most abrupt breakup I've ever had. In one sense, he made it easier for me to end it by doing that last night. But in the other I feel like I got no closure at all. I had spent all this time in IC learning about how to communicate with him in a healthy way, and he just walked out on me. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. At this point, I'm wondering if the medical thing is even real. I hate that he thought I was pressuring him. I don't see IC again until Thursday, and my head is just spinning with how everything happened this weekend and specifically last night.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 2:25 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

LG - This is manipulation and this guy sounds like a master manipulator. Not just the kind that manipulates to get what he wants…but the kind that actually enjoys the process of manipulation. They feel powerful seeing you contorted in confusion and they feel important when they can make you feel less important (doubt yourself).

There’s never "closure" with these types because that runs in opposition to the very nature of their game.

The "medical issue" doesn’t answer for his behavior. It MAY be a reason for the lack of actual sex (intercourse) but it doesn’t explain any of the rest of his behavior. He just now has you on a different rabbit trail…which is exactly what manipulators do. It’s the classic definition of a mindfuck. You’re still just as confused. He’s still just as obstructive. And you’re still wondering if it’s you/something you did. You will NEVER understand these types. The only response is to just accept that this is who they are and what they do.

He’s nuts. And the hiding the filming from you? Guy likes secrets and manipulative behavior.

He does not sound emotional nature or healthy and he is certainly not behaving kindly.

I think you dodged a bullet.

He is a mean, lying, insensitive fartwad who was uninterested in having an actual conversation about what was going on with you-let alone an authentic relationship. His pleasure appears to come from rejecting you repeatedly in varied ways. It doesn't matter what you worked on in ic, his intention was never to form an intimate tie with you and he just showed you that beyond any doubt.

Eff this guy and whatever is wrong with his weenus.

And honestly, it's fine if somebody wants to wait for sex but you know its also fine to want to have sex, right? You aren't mean, or weird, or wrong, or gross or pushy-for wanting a physical component in your intimate relationships. There was certainly nothing wrong with attempting to discuss this issue, or questioning his (frankly, suspicious) behavior and previously revealed lies. His bitch baby reaction to you being confused and hurt by his baffling behavior speaks volumes about him.

Now I think he has borderline abusive control issues to go with the visibly rotted junk I'm absolutely still picturing.

Sorry your Mexican weekend wasn't more fun.

There's nothing to work with here. He can't communicate honestly with you about something that is that kind of crucial to a caring, loving, fulfilling relationship after multiple chances. Is this really the qualities of someone that is capable of being a worthy partner. You deserve better.

He sounds like an extremely immature, narcissistic, manipulative douchehole to me. This guy is a train wreck and bad news and no good will come of continued dealings with him. Just my 0.02.

Believe me girl - there's way better men out there so why not ditch this total tool and give yourself a chance to meet a better guy? One who isn't a liar or manipulator, one who actually wants you and cares about you and will have actual conversations like a grown up? Cus the more you stay stuck on mr whiny weenie here, the less chance you have of meeting a good guy.

Just contrast your post with MessyLeslies. You should expect better because you are worth better. Please move on.

I agree that this guy is a manipulative and controlling jerk, and you dodged a bullet.

It's awesome that you used all your newly-learned skills from IC to communicate in a clear and healthy way, and it's especially great that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and fully express your feelings to him. Also, you recognized the signs that some things about the relationship were off, and you dealt with it in a healthy way. This is the important thing to take away from this experience. Too bad for him that he wasn't worthy of you.

I think there's a danger here that over the next several hours and days, you'll argue yourself around to worrying if last night was your fault. You may recast the interaction as him drawing a boundary and you not respecting it. You may wonder if you were wrong to push him about a medical issue.

If that happens, please come back and read here. This man has never been honest with you. He has never been vulnerable to you. He has never respected your needs and concerns. That last bit in Mexico, the "you can't come watch because you'd be jealous," is a masterpiece of cruelty. It invites you to imagine him in an intimate situation with another woman while simultaneously telling you outright that you aren't "good enough" to be there. It is, quite frankly, some sick fucking shit that no positive qualities can begin to offset.

Please be glad that you never had sex with this man. Ghost him hard. Don't get drawn back into conversations in search of closure or greater understanding. There's nothing to be had there. He is empty.

Believe me girl - there's way better men out there so why not ditch this total tool and give yourself a chance to meet a better guy? One who isn't a liar or manipulator, one who actually wants you and cares about you and will have actual conversations like a grown up? Cus the more you stay stuck on mr whiny weenie here, the less chance you have of meeting a good guy.

Oh, no, I'm done with it. He hasn't reached out to me since he left last night. Even if he did, I would decline further conversations with him. Last night told me all I need to know about who he is in a relationship. I think my head is still spinning though and I'm just trying to make it make sense in my head on what happened. Maybe the answer is that it just will never make sense.

I think there's a danger here that over the next several hours and days, you'll argue yourself around to worrying if last night was your fault. You may recast the interaction as him drawing a boundary and you not respecting it. You may wonder if you were wrong to push him about a medical issue.

That's exactly what I was doing last night, and why I want to talk to IC soon about everything. Because of my own medical issues and my fear of rejection over them, I feel bad and guilty that I'm essentially treating him the same way. I also feel bad for violating or pushing against a boundary that he set. But I keep trying to remind myself that if he had told me during the second or third month that he had a medical issue that he wasn't ready to disclose yet, I think I would have dropped it and been supportive. The problem is that what he's telling me now is so inconsistent with what he had been telling me for months. I just know medical issues and fear of rejection can be really difficult things, and so I party feel bad for maybe hurting him? Except he just walked out on me without even really discussing it. The breakup talk that I had planned with IC was going to be me saying that I respect his boundaries and think he's a good guy but that I don't think we are compatible because he's not able to share things with me. And then that whole prepared speech just went up in flames last night. I can't see IC until Thursday, so that's why I posted here.

That last bit in Mexico, the "you can't come watch because you'd be jealous," is a masterpiece of cruelty. It invites you to imagine him in an intimate situation with another woman while simultaneously telling you outright that you aren't "good enough" to be there. It is, quite frankly, some sick fucking shit that no positive qualities can begin to offset.

That's exactly what happened. He said that, and I felt trapped in the hotel room. Very triggered. He had been drinking, so I held it inside until the next morning. Then I told him how it made me feel. We talked for like 2 hours about it Sunday morning. He tried to explain that he had said the jealous thing because he was tipsy, and the real reason was that he needed to be in character (lonely) for the filming, instead of happy by having me there for it. I didn't even respond to that comment. I kept all my comments as "I" statements, such as "I'm not saying that you actually feel/believe this way, but your actions make me feel..." One example that I used was that I was vulnerable and shared my medical condition with him, and then him saying that he didn't see me as a girlfriend and wasn't ready to share stuff with me made me feel sad and disappointed that we weren't on the same page in the progression of our relationship. Then when our flight landed last night and I asked the other question that had been in my head, he responded by saying that he felt like I was trying another angle to get the info since I wasn't successful on Sunday in getting his diagnosis. And then he just walked out of my place without even looking at me.

Sigh.

I think he's lying. He's taken your past,very real, medical issue with sex causing pain,and is now using that as an excuse.

I really am so sorry this guy has you questioning yourself so. NOTHING that you did, or wanted, or tried to talk to him about was wrong.

You and he are both adults, and this is real life- and in real life stuff like;

*physical dysfunction

*psychological difficulty

*embarrassment

*how we feel about our hair

*current environment

*micro-penises

*random concerns about BO/hallatosis

(And yes, sometimes-)

*sexually transmitted diseases

can ALL affect our relationships. As can SO many other things. What do any of us have except how we handle it when these issues arise? Whatever he had going on in his drawers, he was mean and dismissive toward you about it and eff that.

ETA-also what hellfire said! I meant to say that too-i thought it was creepers that he was all "oh yeah-your difficult personal issue-that-that, that's totally me too. We are suffering the exact samely"

Nope, don't like it. Not buying it.

[This message edited by thisissogross at 1:05 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Hmm my diagnosis would be that he cannot get it up.

I just don’t see any other reason why he would not want to have sex with you. Or has some really bad std. these days even hiv is not life threatening, just a condition.

Either way. His behaviour after being together for as long as you two have is .. not good. Not acceptable at all.

It’s good it has ended. But I think he will be back. Be prepared for that - don’t let it phase you and your direction of travel.

Intentionally or not (irrelevant) he has been hurting you for too long. And that is the way universe is telling you that you are not compatible. And the trip was the break up trip …

You are amazing soul and deserve so much better. Take care your yourself and don’t be harsh with yourself - be kind to yourself and your own best friend. These things happen and you need to get up and keep on going - hugs !

I think he's lying. He's taken your past,very real, medical issue with sex causing pain,and is now using that as an excuse.

I have wondered about that. Whether he made up the medical issue. But then I think no, that's crazy to think that.

My ex 10 years ago that originally brought me to SI was an extremely good manipulator and liar. I spent years having panic attacks and trying to dodge that type of relationship again. My IC told me that men who are that much of a manipulator are rare. But now I wonder, why do I keep attracting manipulators. At least this time I saw the inconsistencies and questioned them. Last time I was completely blind to it all. I guess the goal is next time learning to let go sooner.

Why won’t he have sex or do anything sexual? - Rabbit hole

Am I or am I not actually his girlfriend? - Rabbit hole

Why does he not introduce me to/include me with his friends? - Rabbit hole

What is this mysterious sexual condition…it’s not this or this but it could maybe be that? - Rabbit hole

Why didn’t he just tell me earlier that it was a medical issue? - Rabbit hole

How could he just walk out like he did? - Rabbit hole

I don’t mean to belabor the point…but these people are good at what they do. And many otherwise intelligent women (and men) fall for this shit all the time. I warned you in your first thread about him about getting pulled back in if you were to break it off. I know you believed and meant it when you said that if you left then you really left. Historically, that’s probably been true so I’m not chastising you at all. (I promise I’m not!). But you DID end up back with him…in an innocent enough trip where before it’s all over you also end up back in one of his already well-travelled rabbit holes. He did exactly what I anticipated he would do - give you a little bit more to keep you on the hook - just not the way I thought/warned he would. I did this cat-and-mouse game for almost 20 years. I can smell this guy through my computer screen.

Get out. Out of any type of relationship. Including the one in your head where you are trying to figure out any part with or about him. The poison isn’t in what he is doing. HE is the poison.

HUGS. Big ones. These kinds of people are horrible when they cross your path. The biggest obstacle is in just accepting them for what they are…in not wasting your time and energy trying to figure out what happened, what’s wrong with you - or him, or how you ended up in this.

I think you're being too hard on yourself.

You openly communicated and gave your concerns and feelings. You opened yourself with vulnerability in a healthy way and did so at an appropriate time and didn't overshare. You watched to see if his behaviour matched what he said. It didn't. You noticed he wasn't vulnerable and had inconsistencies in his stories and actions. Someone else might have said "peace out" at an earlier point in this, but it wouldn't have been based on anything definite. And that's not great either. You gave him every opportunity.

Honestly, it seems you acted in an emotionally healthy way, and he did not. You will obviously be talking with your IC, and she will give you guidance. It's only possible to be a relationship if you take some risk.

I think you did great!

His problem is that he's an asshole. It's not his penis or whatever medical sooooo top secret thing that may or may not exist. He's an asshole. Your role was supposed to be to cry and apologize and beg him not to leave and DAMN GOOD FOR YOU that you didn't do that.

You won't figure out whys on the sex thing, but you do absolutely know that he's a diagnosable asshole and that's why you broke up.

To hell with feeling sorry for his medical issues or empathy about that. There are assholes in wheelchairs, assholes with terminal diseases, assholes who go through all kinds of trauma. They're still assholes apart from life circumstances.

I'm glad that it's over with him for you. My ex is also a master manipulator. I dated someone a few years back that did things that put up orange flags, but not really red flags. When I was thinking of breaking up with him, he freaked out over something silly and broke up with me. My therapist and I discussed how much better my gut instinct was and that next time I saw orange flags with someone to walk away because they always become red flags.

Use this experience to help you make a quicker decision next time. I promise that you are worth so much more, no matter what your dx is <3

Welcome home, Lonelygirl, and sorry for the traumatic trip memories...hope you can separate his BS from anything nice from your travels.

I can't add much to the excellent feedback every prior poster has offered you. I would really suggest: "print this entire post and re-read it over and over, until you have the calm certainty of these experienced members."

But I can assure you: it is NOT crazy to think he took your past medical issue and adopted it as his, and then embellished it. Why isn't that crazy to conclude? Because it's a tactic dishonest people employ. In my life - and it took me way too long to realize this - every time I'd be struggling to get clarity, if I'd speak first, to try and share dialog in good faith as I thought we should be able to do, instead of helping him come clean, I'd just have handed him a new, plausible motive to justify his actions, when he had none - which was why he was stonewalling me! Ouch! Counter-productive, on my part.

So, in simpler words: liars gonna lie.

And you said he was drunk, more than once? Yeah, you dodged a huge bullet!! I guess my inital suggestion of 'keeping him as a pal,' is out the window now, huh? It hurts, but I think he was kinda using you as a safety net of some sort. (((Hugs)))

To your concern about "attracting" manipulators, I'd imagine it's hard NOT to run into them in the world, today. Can you look back on your first dating interactions and pick up any kind of flags? Maybe that will be helpful. (And avoid heavy drinkers..)

Ugh girl!

Thanks for coming back with an update. Your story has stuck with many of us with this guy!

I stand by my original thought - it is not a medical condition. I have been with guys who did have issues and even so, they did not hesitate to make me feel wanted, needed AND veryyy satisfied.

Any medical condition would not limit him doing all those things for you. Intimacy does not need to be sexual.

I do believe that he does have a condition alright!!!! But it is psychological! He has issues!!!!

Gurl...you got closure. He has showed you what/who he is and that is plenty to shut that door.

Op is right, he is mirroring your own condition. But think about that. If you shared that with him and he said he wanted more information to understand what it was so he could still find other ways to satisfy you....would you shut down? I would be all "Well.....here is a link with more medical information, etc" and we can discuss whatever, etc.

Block him.