SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe there is justice in the world.
I don't like to admit it, but after my divorce I would search for my exWife on the internet to see if there was anything about her. I don't know why. Maybe it was a sense of punishment for me. Once in a while I'll look again just to see.

My exWW gave up on our marriage so she could pursue a relationship with the OM back in 2004.
She denied this at the time, but I knew her. We'd had issues previously in this realm. Well she ended up marrying the OM in 2006, so I knew my suspicions were correct.

My profile gives more of the story.

She was hoping to be a novel writer...crime, supernatural, etc. Over the years I found out that she had published a few books & had them on Amazon. And that she liked to use pen names to do this.
Anyway Over the weekend I searched and found out things that I guess might suggest that there is justice in the world.

One thing led to a website & then to a pen name, and I found her blog.
I started reading it in dread. But the tone was different. A lot of it was a kind of self pity...about life, relationships, etc. Writing in a such way as a release of emotions and feelings.

The OM had filed divorce on her & left her. This was back in 2018. Four years ago.
He has already remarried since then in 2020.
She talks about love lost, how she was treated like trash on the side of the road....about how she let herself be taken advantage of....blah blah blah..bull$ht. That she had to leave the property they bought together, she had to move in with her mom, etc. She left her job as a LEO. Then moved to another small town.....so she could heal.
I guess over half her blog is about her relationship with this guy.
Only one mention about our life. That in her first marriage, she didnt take it seriously & that she was a bad immature wife.
I guess she was looking for readers to give her a hug & pat on the back.

To be honest I was happy when I read it. Finally she got what she did to me. Too bad I found out about it 4 years later.
She was someone that at one time I wanted to be with forever, love, care about....
BUt the writings just prove that she was the same person that left me. A very independent (not really sure if this is true), alpha-like woman....that doesnt need a man to be happy,,,blah blah..

If I ever had a message for her, I'd say....
"Just wanted you to know. After all this time, I still feel you are a horrible person.
I hope you feel this sadness for the rest of your life.
Because you hurt me & left me like a piece of garbage you talk about.
I wished I had never met you & let you into my life."

Self reflection is seldom a strong trait in waywards. If it was they wouldn't have strayed in the first place. What about you? Have you found peace and happiness in your new world?

Karma finds a way. And she may never connect the dots. Whatever. She’s very good at victim role.

But what about you? Have you reached peace? Are you finding joy and happiness? It has taken time , but I have gotten there. I hope you are there too.

Hello, thanks for the responses. I appreciate it.

....Ive tried to find a sense of happiness. Yes I guess it does take time.

Its gone up & down over time.

Sometimes I'll think about this past and I relive some of it.

Finding this new information about her, triggers some of that reliving.

This time is was the same sadness I've had but with some sense of joy at the same time.

I was happy that she was in so much pain...which she obviously was since she took the time to write it in a blog & record Spotify episodes. I was happy that she lost it all & had to start over. That the OM remarried.

Finally some karma. I just learned about it late though, 4 years after it happened.

I was happy finding this all out, because I lived in a constant state of depression for about 2 years after the divorce.

The depression dwindled over the years but I think it'll never truly go away.

I feel bad that Ive put my family thru all this too.

My mother had to see this all happen to me in real time & try to pick up the pieces afterwards.

To this day, she still refuses to discuss any of this past, which is probably her way of letting it go.

Im so thankful that I had someone who loved & cared to help me thru it all.

Anyway, I think Ive reached a pinnacle of happiness that I'll ever attain.

I dont constantly think about this past as I used to.

Ive accepted that she was & still is a flawed, immature & shallow person.

And Ive accepted that I didnt need to be with a person like she is.

Everyday is one more step away from all this.

[This message edited by jrjr at 2:13 PM, Wednesday, August 10th]

jrjr, your post really hit home with me. I've been divorced for 30 years. He left me for the OW and they got married 28 years ago. I was truly madly in love with him when he left me for her. Our daughter was 6 at the time. Over time I got over it and actually came to understand that if it hadn't been her there would have been others and we would never have lasted. We had very different value systems. So other than our daughter's wedding and the birth of our grand kids, and a time when our daughter almost died, I've pretty much had no contact with him or his wife who was once my good friend.

He died suddenly a week ago. I was surprised at the rush of past memories this brought forward, both wonderful and horrible. Our daughter spent the last week planning the funeral with OW. The things my daughter was sharing with me about it also had a sense of karma. OW has no idea where they stand financially, as he handled all the financial stuff, which is exactly what he did in our marriage. I suspect she will find a ton of debt. I have no bitterness anymore. I actually feel sorry for her to an extent, because I suspect she'll find unpleasant surprises, further compounding her sudden loss. She will for the first time fully understand what her intrusion into my family felt like for me.

But in this past week there was another surprise, that I am baffled about. My daughter discovered he saved every photo of me and us ever taken. Hundreds of them, all stored in boxes. Literally from the first time I ever went to visit him in another city on our first date. OW is giving them all to my daughter. I don't know why he saved them all. I spent the last thirty years coming to grips with the fact that I had been erased and replaced. Apparently I was replaced, but not entirely erased. Life is interesting if nothing else.

A post here on SI had me thinking of my ex-fiancé a couple of years ago.
When we were together, she was one of two owners of a saloon/spa that is still doing brisk business about 35 years later (new ownership). Glamourous, fit, nice Japanese sportscar, popular… The two of us had the world at our feet and had these big ambitious plans of a house in the suburbs (already found, a street from the in-laws), a picket-fence, two trucks and a sportscar, two kids and a dog. Even now – despite having taken a totally different path and being successful and happy – I am quite certain that IF she hadn’t cheated and IF we had gotten married on that day 5 weeks after d-day – I would have been happy with that life. Probably been on our fifth dog…

After d-day I managed to cut off all connections to her. Some of our friends remained with me, some followed her, some simply disappeared. I occasionally saw my old never-to-be father-in-law who was always a nice decent man. Eventually I relocated and seldom interacted with anyone that could tell me about her.
I met the FIL about 10 years ago. He’s since passed away, but at that last meeting he told me his daughter was twice divorced and had 2 sons. He hinted that the first husband had been abusive and the second a drunk. One son was still at home and took after his father (the drunk…) and the other didn’t visit too much. Oh… and she was no longer working and was on disability and whatever he and his wife could spare her and living in an apartment they paid the rent for. He nearly wept on my shoulder clearly regretting I didn’t marry her.
About 3-4 years ago I ran into her old business partner. She had sold the saloon a couple of years previously and was now retired, living off her savings over the years and the sale of the business. She told me that a few years after d-day my ex was at such an emotional and physical state that she had to buy her out of the business.

I don’t "credit" her change to my actions. I don’t think it’s karma or revenge or anything like that.
There is nothing normal or healthy for a person that is allegedly and to all purposes in a committed relationship to find a need – a need so strong they can’t stop it – to go out and find some random f-buddy. I can feel compassion and understanding for mental illnesses, but there is a certain level of self-accountability where you realize what you are doing or want to do is wrong and you seek treatment or change. If you, don’t it can only escalate.
Rather that accepting that what she did was wrong she chose to believe that there was something else that ended our engagement. That she hadn’t loved me enough or that in modern days sex was only sex and I was old-fashioned or whatever.
I think that pattern of being the victim and being misunderstood is why she didn’t grow with the business, why she was victimized into selling, why she married a loser and so on. It’s not karma – it’s inaction.

Both when I came home from meeting my now-deceased FIL and the former business-partner I felt sad.
My life would not be better if she was more miserable, nor would it be worse if she had married a rich and loving man that took her every Friday on his private jet to Milano. My happiness is not dependent on her status. Instead, I felt sadness that someone that had so much potential for a good life had decided at each crossroad to take the wrong path. A life wasted IMHO.

I know letting my self think about this, 18 years after the fact, isnt a good thing mental health wise.
Theres been times when I dont think about it though. Thats most of the time. Ive tried to think of her as if she died back then. Its been tough to do that, because that isnt the reality. The reality is also that I can't change what happened back then. I tried at the time and she didnt want to.

I went thru all the 'what ifs'. What if I didnt do this or that...would things been different. Im not really sure. Now, learning that the OM left her, makes the point that even he had a hard time with her. So maybe nothing could have been done no matter who was there at the time.

I guess back then & maybe still now, its been a slight ego thing. I always knew I wouldnt be the type of person who had a drug or alcohol problem, gambling issues, abusive, etc etc. And I never was any of those things that I saw was a part of other peoples lives. So it was hard to accept that me just being myself could lead to where it ended up.

I know she had issues as well. From reading the writing, I can tell she is basically the same person that she was back then. The kind of 'I'm going to show the world how tough I am & I'm to kick everyones butt if they get in my way'. She's like a wanna-be alpha-female trying to compete in a male dominated world (her feelings & thoughts, not mine).
She has to prove how tough she is & hoping others will recognize that...maybe glorifying her for becoming like that.

Anyway, Ive played devils advocate & guardian angel for myself back then. I learned that yes I was a part of the problem so to speak...that whatever feelings she had, that they were real for her. It didnt matter if I understood them or not.
And on the flip side, she was to blame as well. She did a lot of things to ruin our relationship. Ive gone thru them & I accepted those things. I know most people wouldnt have put up with most of it.

Ive also come to accept that if we did patch things up, something later would happen to make it all fall apart. It could be fixed but only to fall apart later. I think she was bound to leave for someone, some how or another. What we had was never going to last, because she didnt want it to.

jrjr: Interesting story. Glad you found the karma/justice you deserve, although I suspect it probably didn't change much about your life 18 years later? My d-day was Jan 2016, and I've been divorced since June 2016. My exWW married OM a little over a year later, soon after his divorce was final. He has 2 boys the same ages as my 2 daughters. They all appear to live happily like the Brady Bunch, while I've struggled with relationships over the past 6+ years. Part of me wanted my girls to hate the POSOM, but it's probably better for them that they like him and he seems to treat them OK. Both my exWW and POSOM have both been promoted or taken higher profile jobs, and both are very active in the community and highly revered by people who mostly have no idea what they did. Additionally, my exWW continues to try to make my life more difficult, even 6+ years later. I struggled for years with how unfair this has been.

Not sure that karma will find them, or when that might occur. Other than finding challenges in romantic relationships, my life has improved in every area, but that could have just as easily happened if my exWW didn't have an affair. I'm not having trouble meeting women, but the challenges that inevitably arise when you're an involved, single dad of 2 teenagers, combined with the challenges that exist in the lives of many available women, have complicated my relationships.

I would love to see karma find my exWW, and maybe that day will eventually arrive. I wonder how I would feel when that actually happens?