SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last week my husband told me that he wants a divorce. He wants to be with his AP!
Now he wants to tell the children.
He doesn’t give me any time to adjust to the horrible news!! What can I do?

If he's going to tell them,make sure you are there so you know they are told the truth(age appropriate truth).

Support them. If they are adults, or late teens,and they say they won't see him with her around,support that. They will feel betrayed. And they have been. Every bit as much as you have. Don't push them. Don't try to repair their relationship..that's his job. Don't bad mouth him,but be honest about how you feel,and be understanding of their pain. Don't speak for him. Don't try to make it better by saying how you believe he feels about them,or that nothing will change. Again..his job,and everything will change. Reassure them that you love them,and you are there for them.

Don't allow him to lie. Again, age appropriate (if I'm recalling correctly, your kids are older). Don't allow him to say the two of you drifted apart, this sometimes happens,etc. Tell them the truth.

Edited to add...I read your posts. He's been living with her for several months. The kids have probably already figured it out. I see they are older. Again..tell them the truth. And let them know that his girlfriend is the OW,if they don't already know. They deserve to know she helped break up the family. They get to decide if they want to associate themselves with her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:51 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]

Thank you for the advice

I have done everything wrong! I called him. I have been negotiating with him. I told him to give me a chance, to give our marriage a chance. I asked him 10 times. And he kept saying that he doesn’t love me anymore!! O my goodness! How stupid am I?

[This message edited by Helena67 at 7:50 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]

Welp, now you know how he feels. It’s time to protect yourself and your kids now.

You are not stupid. You've been traumatized.

NC. No more calling him. You must do this.

Yes, I know.

You’ve heard of the stages of grief, right? Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance… yeah, infidelity has all those too. You just went into the bargaining stage. I am sorry he is being such a jerk.

I agree with all the others- be honest with your kids. And focus on getting your ducks in a row. Get the BEST lawyer in town. (See a few— anyone you consult with he cannot use). He has shown you who he is… and it is not the guy you married. Use your anger and hurt to propel you forward.

Hang in there - you are going to get through this. I actually think you will be better in D than in his cruel limbo where he is still married but living with this AP.

Time to lace up you bitch boots and start putting you first.

-BB

(((Helena )))

I just want you to know that I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Please don’t beat yourself up for contacting him, as others have said you are going through trauma right now. Likely the worst experience of your life. I couldn’t think straight when I was going through it.

Just remember he created this situation. Not you. It’s normal to be all over the place when someone you loved and trusted stabs you in the back repeatedly. Words can’t describe it. My XWS cheated and left me. I understand how you are feeling completely. Don’t judge yourself harshly, this is his doing.

Keep posting on here for support. We are here for you. I am still processing trauma, but the one thing I know is that NC saved my sanity. It doesn’t have to be forever. But space and distance to catch your breath, maybe that would help?

It’s hard not to reach out. But I know from my own experience deep down I needed to step away as every contact we had made me feel worse. It hurt me more.

I’m 8 months out. Nearly 4 months NC. Slowly getting better. Sending you strength.

Helena,

He wants to be with his AP!

Give him what he wants, but don't lie to the kids tell them the truth Dad is in love with another woman and has broken his vows to Mom and to you kids. You don't even need to name call or get angry the plain truth is enough.

Do not allow him to voice the usual minimizations and miserable excuses unanswered, make it clear this is your WHs choice and OW was an accomplice to this crime and that you wanted to work it out.

OW should not be seen as a kindly step-mother.

It is not your job to preserve his reputation when he has done this horrible thing, if his children hate him for it he has no one to blame but himself.

Remember what Oscar Wilde said, God punishes us by answering our prayers, your WH wants OW grant his wish and be happy for him.

Glance down at your watch and see how long it takes for his paradise with OW to turn into a hell.

You experiences and reply's are so helpful. Thank you all for that! It is a lot to take when I didn’t even know that he wasn’t happy. He was too scared to talk to me about his feelings. Our marriage died because he was too scared. How sad is that. But he wasn’t too scared to start an affair though.

But he wasn’t too scared to start an affair though.

That's because affairs don't start with a strong person. Quite the opposite.

Here’s my two cents.

Your H wasn’t unhappy until he met the OW and became interested in her. Then suddenly you are the person standing in the way of their true love And that’s when he comes "unhappy".

Typical cheater behavior I might add.

Get a good attorney and protect yourself.

Helena

What you need to do (IMHO) is accept reality.
A marriage is only there because both partners want to be married. He could have decided to divorce for any reason, only his reason is the affair.
Divorce is a complex, often drawn-out process BUT it is regulated by all sorts of laws and regulations that should ensure you both a relatively fair deal. However – legally owning half of something always feels more than really owning the value of that half. Somehow being a shared owner of a 200k house feels better than actually having 100k. Because of this feeling there is a tendency for those divorcing to seek more than they are entitled to, and even to take actions to minimize that the spouse is entitled to.

Because of the complexity of divorce, you need someone in your corner that will ensure your rights.
This is totally irrespective of if you two hammer out your own agreement, use a mediator or go to court with two fire-breathing attorneys.

So my first piece of advice is for you to find that person. The person that can hold your hand and ensure you are getting yours. What you own and deserve.
This doesn’t have to be an attorney (to start with). Do you have a friend, family member or acquaintance that has divorced? Your first step might be simply to hear their story and see what they recommend.

Be proactive. Knowledge is power in these situations.

His sister is divorced. I can’t ask her! I have asked my sister to help me. To encourage me to take the necessary steps.

I know I have to accept it but it hurts too much.

Hi Helena, have you told people about your situation and told them everything? If not, talk to them. Talk to your sister, friends, neighbours, whoever you are close with, tell them the whole story and share your tears with them. Don't use your tears for your husband if you can prevent it.

I know people are urging you to get a lawyer, and I understand this is because law and marriage works very different in the US, or other countries people are commenting from. However, in the Netherlands you can easily work with a mediator, unless your husband takes a lawyer, or lies about his financial status, you can best try to work it out with a mediator first. I found a very trustworthy mediator who is really helping us settle everything fair.

If I can give you any advise here (and it's only from my personal point of view, and with the little knowledge I have about how this works), it's to take control of the situation, even though it's hard. The marriage is over, but you can control the situation. Make the appointment with the mediator or lawyer if you really have to and let your husband know when the meeting will be. Tell your children what happened (in an age appropriate manner ofcourse) and what is going to happen next. Don't let him take control.

Hi Pesto, thank you for your message.

I’m very fortunate to have a dear sister and a few very close friends to whom I talk about the affair and everything that has happened. They are very supportive. And I cry, I cry a lot. But those are my private moments. Not always but most of the time.

I have talked to a lawyer and her advice was, like you suggested, to start with mediation. So I will try that first. I really don’t know what to expect from my WH. Unfortunately his AP is a lawyer…. But she is having a divorce of her own. So I guess she will be busy with that. I’m so sorry for her BM!

I want to take control of the situation but at this moment I just don’t feel strong enough. 7 months of uncertainty and hurt is a long time. I have given myself a couple of weeks to get back on my feet. I have also my job that is now more important than ever. So there’s a real struggle for me. I’m just hoping to get a little bit stronger….

his AP is a lawyer

Cancel the mediation. It's a waste of time. He is getting legal advice from his girlfriend. She is also telling him how to be sneaky about finances and assets.

You need a good attorney.

Mediation is typically a waste of time. You can't trust him,and he's shown he doesn't care about your interests. And,frankly,gently, you are desperate to keep him,so he can easily manipulate you into an unfair settlement. You need an attorney to look out for your best interests .

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:05 PM, Thursday, September 15th]

Hmmm I guess you are wright about taking a lawyer. That’s my greatest fear. That I won’t be able to stand up for myself..

But I don’t want him back!!!!! I’m done with him!

It’s actually great that his AP is an attorney. It can really only go in one of three ways:
She can remember the old adage that the attorney that represents himself has a fool for a client.
She can think her legal knowledge allows her to suggest loopholes and tricks to help her loverboy, loopholes and tricks your attorney (who will be a divorce attorney, as opposed to whatever type she is) can counter and shoot down.
She can be a competent attorney and understand that D is a process and that the outcome is more-or-less defined once all the data is on the table.

I support mediation. Only its not as if you don’t have anyone in your corner. If you go to mediation you have the attorney that suggested it as your sounding board. You prepare by having that attorney tell you what to expect and what your rights are. Once you and hubby have some outline of an agreement you take a break and have your attorney confirm it’s a fair deal. Before you sign anything you have your attorney read and confirm.
This is cheaper than a full-blown divorce with attorneys in court, and ensures you get a fair deal.