SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I've been working towards reconciliation since about 1/2020. It's been a non stop roller coaster relationship these last few years. We will have a good few weeks but then something will happen (a trigger, reminder, movie, song, work frustration, etc) and it will bring us back to the first day again. I've realized that I've ruined the relationship we had and this is our "new" relationship. I always hold on to the hope that it will get better and we will make it through this, but the reality is that this may be the pattern of our future together.

I've come to realize that I am no good for him. He deserves better than what I have given him. I will always be a source of pain in his life. I will always be a reminder of the lies and betrayals. No matter how hard I try moving forward to contribute to his happiness, it will always be tainted with my past decisions. We both come from broken family relationships and have always wanted a healthy happy marriage. Not to say what we had was perfect before I cheated but that was nothing compared to the unhealthy broken marriage we have now. My actions have derailed both of our lives and in the end it was all for unresolved personal problems from childhood and my avoidance issues. I've ruined a good man and I hate myself for it. When he's upset with what I have done, he doesn't talk to me. So I don't want to assume, but I assume. I assume he's pissed and upset on my choices. He's disappointed that I am not someone who I portrayed myself as. He's pissed that he's with someone like me. He's disgusted with me as a person and with my choices. He's pissed that he's with someone he can't trust. He's mad at himself for still being married to me. He hates me. He's pissed that he's with the prude person and the other man got the sexy person. He's probably dealing with a constant internal battle. I have broken the marriage contract. I have devalued his morals and haven't done what's right. He has every right to be upset in every way possible.

I have been in therapy since he's found out. I've been trying to work on everything that led me to be the person I have been. I've made a lot of progress, mostly in self awareness and personal boundary setting.

But I'm starting to realize that his resent and anger for me will never go away. Even if we survive another 5, 10, 15, 20 years, he will always regret marrying me. He will always feel that pain. He will always see the person who would lie and cheat.

This is something I have to work through and figure out what to do. As much as I want a future and relationship with him, it may not be what's best for him. I think I'm holding him back from being truly happy.

[This message edited by kccalifornia at 6:36 PM, Friday, February 10th]

I forgot to remove the stop sign before posting and it won't let me change it. I don't if either party posts.

What caught my eye is that he got the "prude" and the other the "sexy" person.
You need to fix THIS

The WW who's post is below yours, stated that she followed the advice on this forum & upped her game in the bedroom . . after 12 years, it seemed to be making a difference.

Sex is a HUGE ISSUE for men . . . give him your best performance in the bedroom

OBVIOUSLY; there is much more to Reconciliation, than make-up sex / but you need to fix his EMASCULATION / Without that, there will be no reconciliation

What caught my eye is that he got the "prude" and the other the "sexy" person.
You need to fix THIS

The WW who's post is below yours, stated that she followed the advice on this forum & upped her game in the bedroom . . after 12 years, it seemed to be making a difference.

Sex is a HUGE ISSUE for men . . . give him your best performance in the bedroom

As a man, I agree with this post. Not to say that sex is not important to women or to minimize those things, but it is a very important part of how men connect. Were there sex acts or other bedroom activities that you shared with your AP that you haven't ever done with your husband? If there were things that you shared with the AP but not your BH, that is going to be a major problem going forward, because it means that there is part of you that you reserved only for the AP that you won't share with your BH. I'm not accusing you of that, but only you know what he means by "prude" versus "sexy person". I suppose it could also be taken to mean that you dressed sexier for him but at home you are rocking your mom jeans and oversized t-shirts. That right there might be something to consider and dig in more on.

Thank you for your input. The "sexy" I did with AP was flirting through text messages. He will always believe that I did more. He thinks there's a different version of me that he's not getting.... regarding being the prude it's because I handle all of the household and finacial responsibilities and try to talk to him about it. I need help with the taxes. I need to coordinate things with him. So, I am seen as the prude sometimes, but I also feel like the mom sometimes.

I will work on getting back in shape, upping my game in the bedroom, and dressing better altogether.

As a BS I can agree with the two comments above. Sex is very important to me and is the biggest issue I have with my WS. My WS knows this, and is seemingly trying to improve our sex life.

If he never cheated or crossed my boundaries, our sex life would have been great. But since he broke my trust and disrespected me all the while our sex life suffered, it makes it 100 times worse.

Our relationship is almost reversed when it comes to intimacy as I have the high drive and sexualize everything and he does not. Our issues are also a little more complex than him just cheating.

He knows to help work on us, he needs to give me enthusiasm and excitement in the bedroom (meaning he has to show interest and show he enjoys it). Otherwise, I will believe I am not good enough to please him and it causes us to go back two steps.

But on the other hand, if you "up your sex game" it may appear inauthentic to your BS and he might think you are only doing it to try and make him happy rather than because you truly want to. If I feel my husband has sex with me because he feels like it is his chore, we again take two steps back.

Based on your older post, I wonder if you and him will ever truly reconcile. He seems stuck and you may not be the one who can fix that.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:38 AM, Saturday, February 11th]

OP tried to remove stop sign.

It's not just about love but desire and lust when it comes to sex.

Dear kccalifornia

I can relate, you stuck since 2020 - I am on this roller coaster since 2011......
Luckily you found this forum and some help early enough in my opinion. I am still stuck on D-Day - even if it is 12 years down the line.

Do not give up on him yet. I am still fighting the battle because my BS deserves me to fight for us and not let go. Yes, I believe they deserve better but we vowed - in good and bad, for better or for worse. It's easy to say those words but when we have to walk our talk it is not easy. Running away seems like the best option for me most of the time, then my BS would say that I need to face the consequences of my actions. That I broke him and now want to leave him so that I can go on with my life just because I do not want to face what I caused. So, yes we need to fight for out husbands and if they then do not want us anymore, they must make the choice.....

Good luck to you.

I removed the stop sign.

Just a note, until Stop Signs are removed, BS members should not post on stop sign threads even when the OP says it ok.

From this point forward, this thread is open to all members.

As much as I want a future and relationship with him, it may not be what's best for him. I think I'm holding him back from being truly happy.

Truer words have never been spoken by a WW. What has he said on this matter?

[This message edited by Thingsthatmakeyougohmm at 1:07 PM, Saturday, February 11th]

I've come to realize that I am no good for him. He deserves better than what I have given him. I will always be a source of pain in his life. I will always be a reminder of the lies and betrayals. No matter how hard I try moving forward to contribute to his happiness, it will always be tainted with my past decisions.

You know, speaking as a BS, an essential part of my fWH's betrayal was how he denied me my own agency while he was cheating. My life was a lie and I didn't know it. I would never have agreed to go along with him like that if I had known the truth and he KNEW IT. Agency is important. Your BS is an adult. It's not your job to decide what's good for him, right? It's his.

If I remember, you had an EA and at some point kissed the AP. This happened about three years ago, is that correct? And in that time, has your BS taken any proactive measures toward healing? Has he read any books? started therapy? listened to podcasts? It's not right and it's not fair, but at the bottom line, we BS's have our own work to do in order to process the betrayal injury.

I will work on getting back in shape, upping my game in the bedroom, and dressing better altogether.

As a WS, you have your work to do as well, but that doesn't mean molding yourself into some kind of Stepford wife. It means being comfortable with your values so that your actions meet your promises. It means learning to have boundaries with people in order to protect those values, even with your BS. It means becoming authentic in your relationships with people. It means becoming whole.

I'll be honest with you... lots of people assume that poor treatment towards the WS is part of the process and that the WS should just put up with it. That has NOT been my experience. I have had extremely "authentic" things to say to my fWH, you better believe it, but I've never just dumped my rage on him or treated him cruelly. We're grown ups. We don't get to have temper tantrums anymore, no matter what the provocation.

It does take TIME for a BS to heal though. Typically, that's two to five years, so you're still in the ballpark. Just remember that this relationship needs to work for BOTH of you. It's not just him who needs to be satisfied with the outcome. You DO have a say and it's so important that you honor your own agency by making a choice as to what kind of treatment you will allow. That too makes you a safer partner in the end.

Realizing that I am no good for him

Gently, how much do you think about that vs. how much you think about his (possible) mistreatment of you? Remember that neither of you has to stay in your M. If your M is not working for you, D is a better choice than building up resentment and letting it blow sometime in the future.

You say you assume he's angry when he closes up. I urge you to approach him and ask. He may not be angry at all. My W thought I was angry at her all the time. In fact, I was angry only part of the time, and very rarely at her.

If your H is angry a lot, I hope he decides to change. Carrying that anger around wastes a lot of energy. BTDT for far too long. A good IC helped me; I believe I couldn't have gotten out of that anger without that help.

*****

Also, while there are relationships in which neither party is good for the other, I urge you to talk about this with your BS. Your H may have a very different view.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:48 PM, Sunday, February 12th]

Something is just not right here. I can be a prick. But I’m also rational. I told my EX that our marriage didn’t end the first time she slept with him. It ended when she did it the second time. People are fragile and do stupid things. Sleeping with someone else is stupid (if you want your marriage)

The second time wasn’t stupid. It meant she liked it enough to do it again. The word sucks, but it was no longer a mistake.

Even with my aggressive nature, no way would I end our marriage over a kiss. I would be pissed, but it would actually give me hope that my wife has enough sense to pull back from the cliff. It would mean she valued us enough not to cross that deadly line.

Is it possible that he doesn’t believe that you just kissed? Is there any way to prove that was it? Frankly if he is willing to end it over that, he isn’t worth it. Unless you had some sort of highly sexual emotional affair on top, just doesn’t make sense.

Could be he just wanted out and this kiss was his off ramp.

BS here. My wife did a lot more than kiss her AP once, and the pain and disorientation is more than I could have imagined. I get where your husband is coming from. I’m honestly terrified of becoming him, as I’m only 7 months in. I don’t want to be so angry 3 years in.
A narrative that I’ve found to be really helpful in my journey is the story of the prodigal son. I see the danger for me as the betrayed to become like the bitter older brother. He wasn’t able to look past the injustice of it all and embrace the perspective that his younger brother was "back from the dead".
My wife is doing a pretty good job at being the penitent prodigal. If I embrace that older brother mentality, true R won’t happen.

Infidelity is a massive injustice. It’s hard to let go of a desire for justice. It’s sad to say, but you can’t control it. Your husband couldn’t control your contrition. You can’t control his response either. I hope you keep doing your part and I hope his heart softens to you, for both yours sakes.

The "sexy" I did with AP was flirting through text messages. He will always believe that I did more. He thinks there's a different version of me that he's not getting.... regarding being the prude it's because I handle all of the household and financial responsibilities and try to talk to him about it. I need help with the taxes. I need to coordinate things with him. So, I am seen as the prude sometimes, but I also feel like the mom sometimes.

So what does he believe is more? Is he of the belief that you had a PA or an EA? Was physical distance an issue? In case of my own long term EA, the AP was a longtime acquaintance of mine in Mexico, someone I met in a language learning program back in college but never formally met in person. An international border, one where travel visas are not readily available was a barrier and the fact that we never lived anywhere close to the US/Mexico border and all my work travel has never been to Mexico. I guess what I'm saying is that my wife never had to worry for a second about a PA in my case because physical access to each other was an issue.

If he believes that a PA happened, do you have a timeline showing him the days in question about what you were doing on those days?

Also, I'm not sure I would call it prude because you handle household and financial chores. Earlier in our marriage I used to pay the bills each month, but as she kind of transitioned into a stay at home mom as our son got older, so she had time on her hands while I was at work and we agreed that she took it over. I am still consulted and in fact, many of the notification emails still come to my personal email account, so I know when she has sat down and paid all the bills. That isn't prude, that is just part of any normal relationship.

waitedwaytoolong:

Even with my aggressive nature, no way would I end our marriage over a kiss. I would be pissed, but it would actually give me hope that my wife has enough sense to pull back from the cliff. It would mean she valued us enough not to cross that deadly line.

I must make a general comment on this. Respectfully, not every BS sees it that way. If their wife kissing another man is a dealbreaker to them--even if it can be proven that kissing was as far as it got, then they certainly are not wrong.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:58 PM, Monday, February 13th]

WBFA, I totally get your point. I had a friend who divorced his wife because she kept having stupid accidents in her car and he was sick of going to a body shop and paying $3000 every four months. The reason to divorce doesn’t need to be a good reason for everyone, it just has to be good enough for you.

My point to the OP, who swears it was one kiss one time, was either he doesn’t believe it which as we have seen time and again, he probably has good reason. Or he was unhappy in the marriage and wanted out. This was his ticket to do that.

I’m not dismissing the pain of having your spouse kiss someone once, but if it was truly a good marriage it could have been worked through.

I’m a believer in the Sean Connery philosophy in the untouchables where if they come at you with a knife you shoot them with a gun. This however seems like overkill. There feels like other things at play

kccalifornia you need to realiaze, what your husband is referring to when he says the prude version of you. He got the real version of you nothing hidden, He got the sick version, the nonmakeup version, the on your period version, the break out version, the dauly lefe events version, the man version, the upset verssion, the yelling version and the lying version.
What did the other man get, the made up version, the best sexy version, the version whre you go all out to keep his attention.
You now need to go all out to keep your husbands attetion. He feels he is not getting that. He is getting the real you.

I agree with waiting too long.

There is something off here. Just because someone is the bs doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic or abusive. I certainly have seen that be true in many situations in our forum.

I have had many private message chats with other ws to only find out how dire their situation is while they are getting advice on the board to fuck him more.

I don’t disagree that rebuilding intimacy on all fronts is important for any ws to do, regardless of gender. The BS needs to see you truly still love them and feel consistency of it forever.

However, I have also seen Ws who come in and spin it help them sound better. Their shame is so great that they cant even admit in an anonymous forum how terrible they have been. And even worse when their bs is here to see it. I am not here enough to know if your husband is here but it would explain the title better.

I am not accusing this situation of either circumstance. I am only saying I agree something is not right here.

Since you are the only one I can address the biggest red flag I see is the title of the post. It makes it sound like you give up because of your own deficiency. People do not give up on something they really want because of their own inability. This is sort of a cop out.

I am all for you letting this relationship go if it’s toxic, always has been and your bs has no intentions of working on that. But if that’s your situation, your healing work is to say "this relationship is bad for me". Period.

Yes you made horrible choices that you may deeply regret. Work on them for yourself. Don’t make them again. But only invest in this relationship if it’s what you want for healthy reasons. Not to save face, or as a penance for your sins, or out of some codependency.

However if you can say that you do want it for good reason then you are right, you aren’t good for him right now. Become the woman who is.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:24 PM, Tuesday, February 14th]