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We’ve been married 33 years. H had an A 13 years ago. We said we were going to try and things were better. We both worked to make things better and they did get better……until now. He’s been through some health issues and I’ve been there. He’s on Wellbutrin and Zoloft. He doesn’t show much emotion. He’s also getting testosterone injections that aren’t really helping his ED. Our sex life isn't very good. I don’t feel loved. I believe he has a porn addiction that he denies is an addiction, says all guys look at pictures and videos. I’ve asked him to go to counseling together and he’s said no. My life would drastically change if we divorced. I don’t want to give up the way of life that we have but, I want to feel valued and loved and I don’t.

We have a comfortable life. Together we make enough to be comfortable financially. We have decent vehicles, own our home and some recreational items. We own nothing on any of these.

I’m asking for wisdom. How did you know it was time to throw in the towel?

[This message edited by Flatlined123 at 12:16 AM, Sunday, July 16th]

I knew it was time to throw in the towel when the pain of staying overrode my fear of leaving. I knew my M was literally killing me (mentally and physically due to the emotional abuse). If I didn't leave I would probably have ended up in the mental hospital for a third time. I chose to leave instead.

It has also been a rough road in D. It's a different kind of grieving you do once you leave and life becomes financially hard which carries it's own set of issues. With that aside my peace of mind is worth the sacrifice of my M and loss of finances. Once I'm finally free and the D is over I believe I will be able to start true healing.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:20 PM, Monday, July 17th]

I knew it was time to throw in the towel when the pain of staying overrode my fear of leaving.

I'll skip the stupid details, but this is basically my answer too... except that I focused on my kids. I decided that my children would be better off with us divorced than with us married.

There are many reasons to get divorced... maybe he is a lying, cheating jackass. Maybe the two of you have just evolved into different people. It happens.

You can stay or you can go... either answer is okay.... but...

My experience is that it is pretty rare for someone to regret divorcing someone. They regret the end of the marriage but not the divorce. In contrast, I know many people who regret waiting so long to get divorced.

Besides asking him to see a counselor, how are you working on your relationship? My XH told me when he was on an anti-depressant, it totally killed his sex drive. Could that be the case with your H?

You said things got better until now. How long has it been this way?

To answer your question, it was time to throw in the towel when I had done everything I possibly could to save the marriage and realized that it takes 2 of us to make it work. I can't do it all.

He told me he didnt want to be divorced, told him I didnt either but that there were three things I needed from him.
1) counseling, something he always refused to do.
2) complete technology transparency
2) he had to go no contact with AP.

He told me she was his friend and always would be.
Told him he was going to have a friend and not a wife because I wasnt going to be the third person in my own 35 year marriage waiting for her to split from her third husband and go through it all over again.

We have not spoken since that conversation 8 years ago. Divorced.

In all honesty I don’t know if it got better or my perception was that it did. H refused to go to consoling a second time. The first time we had a crappy counselor and in hindsight I could see that they should have seen H wasn’t all in on doing it and why….the A was still continuing.

I can see that the meds make his personality "flatter". As far as sex drive that has picked up after the testosterone injections addressed low levels.

It’s the porn addiction that kills my sex drive. It’s degrading and hurtful. It’s the equivalent of a safe A in my eyes. He doesn’t see it that way.

It literally comes down to I don’t want to lose my lifestyle. That may sound pathetic but this is the time to be able to enjoy life. The sad thing is that I don’t. I regret my life with him. He’s turned into someone I hardly know and he doesn’t seem to care about doing anything about it.

I’m calling to make an appointment with a new therapist for myself. I need help making a decision. It’s hard. It’s been my whole life with him and I feel like he’s let me down. I’m going to have to find out what my identity is besides being married.

It literally comes down to I don’t want to lose my lifestyle. That may sound pathetic but this is the time to be able to enjoy life. The sad thing is that I don’t. I regret my life with him. He’s turned into someone I hardly know and he doesn’t seem to care about doing anything about it.

I’m calling to make an appointment with a new therapist for myself. I need help making a decision. It’s hard. It’s been my whole life with him and I feel like he’s let me down. I’m going to have to find out what my identity is besides being married.

This was me word for word. I was so scared of my children having a broken family and losing my lifestyle that I stayed in limbo for YEARS until my mental health started to really tank.

I did what you are planning on doing. I started seeing a therapist and got stronger and more clear in what I wanted over the years. Definitely explore finding your identity, what makes you happy and makes YOU passionate about life. Start seeing friends more or making new ones. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I couldn't have the life I envisioned if I was still married to my xWS.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:54 PM, Friday, July 21st]

Been where you are. After 17 years from the first DDay, I knew things were just off between us. So I got smart and started looking into where he was going during the day. He was at the bars instead of work and those regular lies let me know I was DONE!!! Because those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. It was all more of the same shit from 17 years prior.

And I also understand the wanting to keep the lifestyle, not have a broken home for the kids, etc. I felt the same way and was in limbo for 2 years knowing things were "not right" but I was not willing to look it at until I was ready. Once I got that proof of his lies (and later found out another betrayal) there was no going back for me.

You probably already have your answer, your knowing, but may not be fully ready yet to face it all. Ask yourself what you want for your future and work towards building that.

I also asked WH to go to counseling and he said no he was tired of working on us. So many red flags that I ignored to keep the status quo of my life.

Listen to your gut, it knows the deal. Be brave and take a stand for what you want. I finally filed last month and we are in the middle of divorcing. I am scared, but also know without a doubt this is what is best. And I got to that place by taking steps to finding out what he was up to and knowing that was my final line in the sand.

The fact that he won't go to counseling and watches porn are things to be concerned about. I am not getting the impression that he is fully invested and you both are ambivalent. Is this how you want to continue on? If you knew he was lying or cheating again (some people may consider porn cheating), are you done?

kiwilee, if I knew he was physically cheating again that would be it. I’d be fine so fast even I wouldn’t know what happened. I keep hoping things will get better but in my heart I know they won’t. I don’t think I even love him anymore. I care for him. We have a lot of years together and he’s the father of my children. Somehow I feel selfish. On the other hand when is it going to be my life, my dreams that are important? I’m ashamed to say it but I don’t know how sad I’d be if he died 🫢 part of me feels like he’s an anchor pulling me down😭

I knew it was time when I realized that even if my ex did everything perfect from that day forward I still would never trust him and would live my life in a state of constant alertness waiting for the floor to fall out from under me again.

I also realized I just didn’t find him attractive anymore. I loved him but he had just hurt me in so many ways that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore.

I kept holding out hoping he would do one of those dramatic turnarounds and make up for everything and I would get the life I wanted. Once I knew that I could never have the life I wanted with him, it felt easier to give it up. I knew it would be harder in the long run but I also knew that it would give me a shot at actually being happy instead of just pretending and convincing myself I had everything I needed.

Flatlined- It just seems that you have accepted the marriage is dead, but are not wanting to give up the lifestyle, the family unit. When something truly dies or is dying, there just is no reviving it. So you will have a flatlined existence.

Think about what is most important to you and has the highest value(s). Do you want to hear your heart beat again, have joy and peace, and be content?

I think you are right on the edge and man that last leap into the unknown abyss is tough. I was out on that ledge for awhile (1-2 years). And I finally took that huge leap. It is still unfolding for me as we are in the process of mediation/divorce. There are some scary, anxious moments and also some lighter, hopeful moments! I feel a huge sense of relief knowing this will be ending for me soon. I am looking forward to be free again, me again! To me that is priceless. I do not even know yet how heavy the weight I've been carrying really was, but I'm starting to get an inkling of an idea.

All the best to you in making a hard decision.

It literally comes down to I don’t want to lose my lifestyle. That may sound pathetic but this is the time to be able to enjoy life. The sad thing is that I don’t. I regret my life with him.

Flatlined123...I completely understand. Except for our daughter, I wish I had made different choices so many years ago. And now, I have realized I cannot continue this way for my own mental health and my daughters. It took a long time for me to get to this point and I still waver when I think of the financial implications. But it won't get any better financially, so I am trying to stay strong. I am sending you strength to do what I think you know you want to do. You are strong!
P.S. We seem to be following a similar timeline. Been with WH for over 30 years and a long time has past since my original D-Day, but things have never been good since.

"there were three things I needed from him.
1) counseling, something he always refused to do.
2) complete technology transparency
2) he had to go no contact with AP."

I asked for the full truth and for him to give up the people, places, and things associated with the affair.

I asked him to turn the energy he gave porn and other people towards me, his wife of decades. I asked him to regularly and solely engage in genuine sexual intimacy with me and to do what was necessary (telling the truth) to get the help he needed to do so.

I asked him to make a (virtual public) apology in the huge online groups he virtually and physically cheated in . I asked him to recommit to our one woman one man marriage.

He declined to do this. The infidelity cheerleaders in his life told me I was unreasonable and just making this poor man’s life miserable.

I was done. I do not regret being divorced from this man. There are so many good men in the world. I would not take him back if he was the last man standing.

For me it has been better to have no car and to eat peanut butter for dinner than to live

Oops …than to live with an unrepentant cheater.

I don't want to quote her directly, but I'll paraphrase. The direct quote is actually worse. After three years of burying me with unaddressed lies, she lies huge, a flaming red flag, covering up activities, lying about said coverup, then lying when caught with the lies. As usual, one discussion, an uninspired "sorry", and anger at any expectation for a legitimate explanation. Three years of my sacrifice and no progress. I decide, this is the hill I'll die and renewed the conversation (it took me two months). Then I received something truly beautiful from between her lips, she says to me in her best high school mean girl voice, "I lied, boo hoo."

My belief in her "true" better self was dispelled. One day later I'm calling attorneys. I get the first that can file immediately for me. I know, attys like IC need to be good, I'll upgrade atty if needed.

Flatlined - I going through this right now, too. I’m 47, he’s 54. He cheated with a few anonymous hook ups on Craigslist 10 years ago, and I just can’t get over it, I guess.

I don’t know how to answer that question myself, but I know I have dreams of being alone. Good dreams. And then I wake up and he starts being his grumpy mean self.

I don’t want a third child, I haven’t had an orgasm with him in the room in five years, and I don’t feel like he understands me anymore.

I don’t want the next ten years to be as bad as the last ten years.

I haven’t called it yet, but I’m getting stronger. Let me know if you have any wisdom….

3yrsout… I’m five years out and feel exactly the same way you do.

These last five year.. although he was picture perfect on doing the right things …. I would and never will look at him the same.
Then just once this year … he fell back and hit the shit hole amps again.

I have been in hell due to other family issues and he was right by my side however, he killed the person I once was.

I have a few family matters to address on my end and once done, I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up. At 59 that’s a tough thought.. breaks my heart but it’s one short life we live… if I look back, twenty, thirty years went by in a blink. I don’t believe I will make to eighty. I want the next twenty to be all the things I dreamed of yet, sadly, it will most likely not be with the once love of my life. That makes me awfully sad but waiting for the next tree to fall on me is no way to live.

How do you know when to end it?
It has been told to me…
You Will Know.

I am not sure if my answer will help. This is after all 3 ddays.

I was in limbo for ever, we had been separated over a year. With COVID I suggested we get back together. He said no, it wasn’t good enough in terms of reason. Back to nothingville.

A few months later we went to the park, where all bad news is given to me it seems. We were talking about spending more time together, then he asked for a divorce in the next breath. I was stunned. He was happy.

3 months later we were talking, he said, I won’t forgive myself but could we try again. I just stared at him.

4 months later when the very thought of seeing this man until I died revolted me. I said no…. He moved across the country within 3 months. Saw him on screen for the first time in 2 years yesterday.

I wish I hadn’t but we had to talk about the kids and his legal shit show.

I don’t miss him, don’t feel too much actually

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:45 AM, Monday, August 28th]