SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to start really so Ill start at the beginning. Sorry it might be a long one.

Husband had a long term affair with a work colleague that I discovered a few years ago. I was devastated. He convinced me it was all part and parcel of severe depression he'd been hiding, that he'd been/was suicidal. He got help, drugs, changed company and all that. I made the decision, mainly due to the kids and the state of our debt, and his depression, to see if we could mend things. We'd been together a long time. Went to counselling, lots of talking, promises etc etc. I know everyone thought I was nuts to stay but I made the decision on very practical grounds and he was also very convincing. He also made lots of effort to make amends and things were OK. We worked at it.

Things have never been the same of course. On a daily basis though as co-parents we get on. We're friends now. We both have very busy lives. Its pretty functional but we work as a family unit which was my main priority. I made the decision for the kids stability. I know some would likely say that's the wrong decision but we work generally.

He recently went on a work trip and I discovered his old AP was also there! He was adamant it was a huge ridiculous coincidence and he had no idea she was going to be there. We're talking a foreign country and they flew out on the same day to the same city. I thought that was it for us really but he convinced me that it honestly was a coincidence and he didn't even see her while he was there. She had a work thing, he had a work thing and it just happened to be at the same time. Although I now that bit is true, they both had reason to be there, I wasn't completely convinced but there was no proof either way and I believed him in the end.

So to yesterday. He's gone on another work trip and emptied his work bag of some stuff before he went. I was tidying the table where he dumped it and was about to throw away a couple of crumpled receipts when I noticed one was from a sex shop. He bought a couples sex toy with cash. It was not for us.

So I guess that's pretty irrefutable isn't it? I guess I really need to accept he's at it again. There really isn't anything plausible he's going to come up with for that one. I'm intrigued as to what he'll dream up for it though. I don't know if its someone new or the same AP from before.

The thing is I've been with him my entire adult life. I'm scared to leave and be on my own and also really very peed off that for the first time in our lives we're solvent and have money in the bank. And I guess he's now going to walk away with all of it (to buy him out) and we'll be back to being completely broke trying to run two houses. I'm just angry with him at this point more than anything and reeling a bit that it's come to this again.

Do I throw him out or do I accept it for the kids and the financial stability. Do I enter into some open marriage agreement and keep calm and carry on til the kids turn 18 and go to uni? Just co-exist in the same house? Has anyone else done this? Did it work out? I don't know that we can afford to run two houses with the state of everything right now. Is it possible to live together but not be together? Is it a nightmare? Have you tried it?

Just not sure what to do next really. Dont have anyone to talk to about it. Any thoughts gratefully received.

[This message edited by Nelly100 at 9:35 PM, Monday, July 31st]

I am so sorry you are back. And I am sorry that your WS did not change his ways.

My advice is to take a deep breath. You do not have to do anything this minute. You can keep your knowledge under wraps until you have your ducks lined up. Hide that evidence. Take pics of it and make sure he can’t get to it.

Then:
1) Go see a couple lawyers and understand your financial position. Is inheritance separate from marital funds? What would D look like?Not to file, but to learn. Knowledge is power. You may not be in as bad of shape as you think.

2) See your doctor and get the full panel STD/STI testing. Don’t have sex with your WS without protection until he tested. Claim a yeast infection or something if you need to avoid sex with him while you decide what you want. NEVER expose how you learn anything.

3) Think really hard and long about what you want to for your future. He is not going to change. He has shown this. So you can accept it. Or you can change things. It’s going to be up to you, because he has all that he wants.

4) Find some IRL support. IC, pastor, family, bestie. And use SI. Your need outlets to work through what you want.
Do NOT enter an open marriage unless that is something you want. Open marriages are based on trust, and he’s not trustworthy.

5) Think about what you want to model for your kids. They learn about relationships from you, so what do you want them to see/feel/learn?

Some questions: how old are your kids? Do you have an income and can it support you? What would it take to earn enough to support you? (A new certification or degree? Change fields? Go through the thought experiment and what it would take to do that. The kids will be grown and gone at some point, so why not invest in a career for you?). Does the AP have a spouse?

And take care of you. Exercise, eat healthfully, avoid alcohol, drink lots of water. Taking care of your physical self really helps your mental and emotional self.

Others will be by who have experience with in-house separation - can be done but is difficult by all reports.

Hang in there.

Thanks so much for replying BarelyBreathing. You have some very sound advice.

I really struggle to act like nothing is wrong but I'm going to try while I sort my thoughts out. My main go to is to blurt it out immediately and confront him.

To answer your questions my kids are teenagers now. I work part time so don't earn very much but it's a good job that I like.

I've always been very conscious of what I'm modelling for the kids. Our home life isn't toxic, we have our arguments like everyone but it's generally calm and normal after the initial period of shock. I told him I'd give him one chance back then and I believe people should be allowed to redeem themselves but it was only one chance. I think that's a fair model for the kids. We've never discussed it with them although they know 'something' went on. They'll have to know this time I suppose

[This message edited by Nelly100 at 9:50 PM, Monday, July 31st]

Nelly, I am sorry you are here again. What a nightmare.

BearlyBreathing got it right. All great advice.

I think your best deal is to line up your ducks, and hand him the divorce papers. If you want to try again, you can give him a choice, end it now or divorce. If you want out, you will be ready.

Is the AP married?

I am sorry he threw away the gift of reconciliation. I think he’s an idiot.

If you decide to divorce, you will certainly find someone that truly loves you and treats you like you deserve to be treated. Your Husband is currently using you.

Whether or not to divorce is a very difficult decision , one that I know you will not take lightly.

Remember, his affair is not about you. This is about him. Frankly, if he is not happy in the marriage, he should be talking to you about how he feels. by starting being affair again, if it ever finished he is showing you who he is. selfish, and a complete coward.

You are clearly a very strong and smart woman. You will do what is right for you and your kids.

Sending you hugs, and positive energy.

Thanks Tallgirl. I don't feel very smart or strong right now.

The original AP is married. I don't know if he's with her again now or it's someone new. All I have to go on is a receipt.

I've contacted a solicitor to ask for an initial consultation just so I know what it would all entail. Like you say at least I'll be prepared then whatever happens.

I'm just so sad it's come to this. We were finally getting our lives together in every other way and looking forward to financial security that we've never had before, we could offer the kids a good start to their adulthood and now it looks like that's all gone if we split up. I'm so angry and disappointed in him. Its one thing to mess your own life up but it's so unfair when someone else does it for you. I'm going to find it so hard to keep this in when he comes back

So sorry you are in this. I get it 100%. I say keep getting any intel you can find, and keep it hidden. Talk to a lawyer. Make a plan, so that when you feel ready you can say something on your terms. Only you will know when that is and what it looks like. But I would not blurt it out, because once you do that, you may have less time to get organized around him for a D. Do not let on, as hard as that might be. I am in very similar situation and it is one of the hardest things to do, but you sounds like you are keeping it under control. I have been sitting on info for a few weeks and it is hard, but possible.

Also, the more intel you get, it may help your D case. I am not sure where you are but I think it could not hurt to dig for more. Does he travel a lot for work? How long was his first affair? Also, if you get more intel and it is the original AP, you will want to find out because you can go tell her husband too - she should not get away with this.

So I guess that's pretty irrefutable isn't it? I guess I really need to accept he's at it again. There really isn't anything plausible he's going to come up with for that one. I'm intrigued as to what he'll dream up for it though.

Pretty irrefutable, I'd say. And accepting that will move you forward. I get the shock, even though you've been through this before, it's still boggles the mind.

Absolutely start seeing solicitors. You can sometimes get a free half hour consultation so try a bunch. And I'd pay particular attention to the more aggressive ones in your area because once you've had contact with them, they can no longer take your H on as a client because it's a conflict of interest.

Inheritance is usually not considered joint marital property unless you've used it to enhance your lifestyle. You'll need to seek legal guidance on this. Start downloading as much financial information that you have access to and keep those records separate.

I get the fear, I really do. But once you start to move forward and out of the chaos that your WS is creating, and make no mistake, this shit is all on him, you will start to gain some control over your life again. Staying for the kids is a red herring. In the end, I left for my kids because I didn't want to be treated like a doormat for the rest of my life.

Make use of the time he's away to get your ducks in a row. Pack his things. Find a therapist in your area and start processing all of this. It helps enormously to have a safe space to unpack all of this and will help you get clarity for yourself. You did not cause this, as you rightly point out, but you can use this opportunity to reset your life on your own terms. Big hug.

Thanks sadincolorado and BrokenheartedUK for replying.

He's back tomorrow so I don't have much time to gather my thoughts but there is only one type of divorce here now, a no fault one so gathering any evidence is not really going to help me. He was so very clever at covering it up before that it was only a chance thing that I found out 4 years in. I know there'll be nothing on his phone to find and the court doesn't really care anymore anyway.

I wonder therefore really if I'm better off confronting him tomorrow and just getting it over with.

Also my inheritance is a marital asset as I understand it as its anything gained within the marriage I heard so there's no point in me making any finance moves to protect anything. So he'll get half of everything and then Ill have to buy him out with what I have I think? Splitting up will put us in a very poor financial situation though. I don't know if I can cope with that. I've contacted a solicitor to find out what it would mean.

Last time I was in literal physical pain when I found out and was beside myself. I'm not this time. I feel a bit numb really and so I think (hope) I'm ready to deal with it pragmatically rather than emotionally. I don't need to throw him out tomorrow with his bags packed. I think, although when I see him I might feel totally different and will probably start crying, we need to figure out how to split up as amicably as possible for the kids. I just feel a bit done I suppose. I need some peace in my life and I'm not going to let him push me to the edge like last time (or try anyway )

A quick internet search says that inheritance is NOT marital property unless co-mingled. See a lawyer before you confront. Make sure you look out for yourself financially.

Bearlybreathing oh wow is that true? It's not what I read. It's all still in my name. I'll ask a solicitor, thank you!

Hi Nelly, Sorry this is tough.

If you confront him don’t tell him what you know or suspect. Let him come out with the truth and keep pushing and saying you know there’s more. There’s a chance that you might end up finding out more this way.

One thing I am now realizing with my situation is that cheaters are cowards and absolutely scared of facing consequences. So if they haven’t really faced much shame in the first time, they absolutely will go back to cheating.

This time make sure the kids know,AP’s spouse knows and so does your WH’s family.

Take care.

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 7:08 PM, Sunday, July 30th]

Oh Bearlybreathing, I've realised you're in the US. The law is different here I believe

Please do not assume your inheritance is a marital asset. Get concentrate info from your attorney first. Also, no fault state or not, you can still use information for a more favorable outcome. Ask your attorney how this might play out.
Do NOT confront. Get your ducks in a row FIRST. I live in a no fault state but I struck with my demands while xhole was feeling guilty, hence why I say do not confront until you've got your stuff together.
I was able to put in the divorce decree "due to adultery," due to my evidence of an affair. This really brought out his shame and guilt because he wanted to prove he wasn't that bad of a guy.
See an attorney. I suggest going to the D/S forum and ask the folks their for advice on what to ask your attorney and what to request in the D decree.
I'm sorry you're here.

Nelly - for some reason I had it in my head you were in the state of Colorado in the US— not sure why.
But check with lawyer first— just to be sure. You don’t know how he will react— what if he drains the bank accounts? Talk to a lawyer to make sure you protect yourself before you confront. I know how hard it is, but you need to protect yourself and your future.

Abalone123 thanks for replying and for your wise words. Yes I suppose he has got away with this with little shame. His parents knew but said nothing (zero) about it and pretended it hadn't happened as did my sister really once I said I was staying. Don't worry, I'm going to make sure everyone knows this time.

I'll wait to confront him until I've seen a solicitor but not saying what I know when I do is a good idea thank you

StillLivin thanks for your thoughts. I'll take your advice and see a solicitor first and then confront him once I know

His AP just happened to fly out,the same day he did,to the same city, in another country?

Unless he still works with her, this is quite unbelievable.

And,if he does still work with her, he should have told you she would be going on the business trip, long before he left.

Hey Nelly,

I am in Canada, and the law is the same around inheritance.

You do need to protect yourself financially.

It’s sad that people pretended he didn’t do anything after you guys decided to stay together. I am certain it will be different this time. You just need to tell them the truth. I let my ex tell the story, he came out, sounding a lot better than he actually was.

As for not feeling strong, most of us don’t. It doesn’t mean that you’re not strong. Don’t underestimate how difficult your situation is. It is emotional, marital, financial, family, and upheaval, everywhere.

I think you are doing fantastic

His AP just happened to fly out,the same day he did,to the same city, in another country?

I know right? They do both legitimately have reason to be there for work but the fact it just happened to fall on the same day of the whole year is weird, too odd perhaps to be believable. They don't work for the same company anymore so if it was a coincidence he wouldn't have known she was going I suppose.

To my knowledge the A ended 6 years ago. I'm questioning that now. Or maybe it was just a weird coincidence and it's a new AP now. Who knows. I guess I'll find out eventually

Please do not think that Divorcing e-bike your kids are at college is a great idea.

I can tell you many stories that such a move up/ended their lives and caused them great pain. Some kids had to leave school due to the pain and devastation.

Divorce is hard but not having your parents available for support is not easy. And you cannot expect a young adult to navigate that alone — often far away from parents.

I hope this helps you.