SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My partner of 6 months (we’ve known eachother 10 years used to work together ect) went on a
Pre booked holiday to Thailand with one other friend for 3 and a half weeks in december. While he was away I told my daughter’s father I had a new partner and when he’d return I would be introducing him to my daughter (didn’t go down well as they know eachother). 2 weeks into the holiday, I was on FaceTime with new partner and saw a condom on his bed (used), obviously confronted him, all hell broke loose he denied it strongly made me feel I was crazy. Over the next week he tried and tried to talk me round and convinced me I didn't see what I saw. To cut a long story short he returned 19th December. We enjoyed Christmas ect but I had a niggle that something wasn’t right so confronted him. Admitted he slept with 2 bar girls while there. Obviously I cut it off straight away, but he hasn’t stopped trying since, I just don’t n is if it’s something I can get past - is it possible?

I have to say that Thailand has a reputation for sex-tourism, and if your partner went there with another male-friend to hit the classic/standard spots for a "guy’s time-out" holiday then it doesn’t surprise me if he had sex with a sex-worker and that somehow – consciously or subconsciously – that was part of the package of that destination. If anything, the condom confirms that – why would he bring some along if the goal was to see the temples and pet an elephant?
Had the goal simply been for two guys to go hit the bars, catch a game or two and maybe do some scuba-diving there are more convenient and cheaper places available from the UK – Spain, Ibiza or whatever.

I have a rather strong stance on sex-workers and my advice will be colored by that stance…
I think the vast majority – like probably over 95% - of those in the sex-industry are not there by choice. Well… not as a first preference. Therefore, I think that by creating a demand or feeding the demand enables an industry mainly based on misery. An industry where the sex-worker is probably only getting a fraction of their earnings, but is controlled by people making their profit on the misery of others…
What tends to draw people to Thailand is the openness of the sex-industry and the alleged acceptance of this as a "trade" by the local community. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but we Westerners have this concept that the typical Thai family thinks it’s acceptable that their daughter Sue goes to the bars and works in a sex-show or by peddling her body to some westerner. She can do this for a couple of years and buy a house or whatever. Therefore it’s "OK". The sexual openness extends to trans-sex, lady-boys and whatever… It’s a hedonistic heaven where anything goes…
I think that the main driving factor isn’t social acceptance, but rather a necessity driven by poverty, drug-addiction and a lack of opportunity.

So your situation:

First of all, a couple of practical issues:
The BIG ONE: NO intimacy of any form until both of you have had full STD tests and shared the results. If you have cut him off and he’s not longer part of your life then YOU go get those tests done if there has been any intimacy from his arrival to discovery.
Using a condom doesn’t prevent STD’s but only lowers the risk.

Second practical issue: His decision to cheat is not due to you. Nor was it an accident. He made this decision and it’s highly likely that it was an integral part of his decision to buy that trip. Well… at the very least he did not exclude having sex with a sex-worker while in Thailand.

Then the future: Well… it’s totally your call…
People have reconciled from things like this. I think he needs to understand that there is no fantasy-existence or parallel universe where morals he pretends to have don’t apply. Like if he is willing to use a sex-worker in Thailand, then why would you think he refuses to use one in the UK?
Is he OK with sex-work? Like would he encourage your daughter to pay her way through uni as a call-girl? If not, then why is he OK with someone elses daughter doing so? Those bar-girls have dads and moms too.

I think he might have fallen into this typical Western view that this is OK in Thailand, and it might be something he would or will never repeat.
BUT… he did it…
And it’s your call on whether this is a total deal-breaker or not.

There are two conflicting issues to me:
If this was "only" a six-month relationship, then I would strongly suggest you move on.
But the 10 years of knowing each other could make a difference…

Like I say: It’s your call.
Only… IF you take him back then you need to make 100% certain that he realizes that cheating is cheating irrespective of where and when, and that fidelity is a 100% requirement from you. That boys-out to other countries is definitely off the list (at least these boys-out based on alcohol and bar-crawling).

But maybe your best bet is to appreciate that he’s shown you what he’s capable of before you took this further.

Imagine this happened to your daughter and she came to you for advice. Would you advise her to give this disgusting creep a second chance?

Why are you second guessing your decision?

He wants a relationship w/ you b/c he knows if you agree to reconcile, he can do it again and get away with it.

And yes, he most likely will do it again. He’s that person. How do I know? Because he has shown you who he is and in typical cheater fashion, lied about it. Gaslit you.

And IMO the first 🚩was his choice of destination.

You can do better. Heal. Move on. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. And you don’t deserve a lying excuse for a partner who chooses to go to a known sex tourism destination.

I am sorry you are here and this has happened to you.

After 6 months I would run a mile and celebrate the fact you found this out so early on in your relationship. Imagine a mortgage, baby and marriage and then finding out.

I presume he only confessed because you pushed because you saw the condom? This man was prepared to risk YOUR sexual health. Your DAUGHTERS mothers sexual health so he could have sex with a sex worker.

After such a short relationship I’d block him and send a cease and desist text. ‘Do not contact me again’ if he contacts you again I’d contact the police.

He has told you what he values and has chosen to cheat within what should be the honeymoon period of your relationship.

I agree with everyone here. I would be out at a six month relationship. If he cannot be faithful that early in the relationship that is who he is. I’ve been married 22 years and if we were not intertwined financially, kids, so much time together I would have left. It is extremely difficult to reconcile after infidelity. And you are very early in the relationship.

And just how old are these "women" since men often go there for underage girls.

He is what he is. Had a great time but needed his housekeeper, launderer, dishwasher, emotional supporter when he came back. Who needs him!? Not you!

Another thing to add on top of the cheating is his predation on a vulnerable person, a sex worker-if this was case. A sex worker has been compromised by extreme poverty, desperation and sometimes familial pressures and/or placed under the yoke of a predatory and abusive pimp and/or human trafficking. Once engaged in this line of work, it’s hard to get out.

Your partner is contributing to this abusive industry. Cheating is one thing, using prostitution to cheat adds a whole other troubling dimension to his character. Prostitution is not a victimless crime.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:32 PM, Monday, January 8th]

Dr1234

Look – everyone seems to be telling you it’s hopeless…
Well… there are lots of couples on this site that have reconciled from infidelity, and I’m guessing nearly all of them experienced the same initial reaction from their wayward spouses.

I’m not saying you should reconcile. But I’m not saying that separating from him is the ONLY good solution.

Like I stated in my first post:

If this was "only" a six-month relationship, then I would strongly suggest you move on.
But the 10 years of knowing each other could make a difference…

I also think that I’m correct in how some Western societies view Thailand as an "anything goes" hedonistic parallel universe. Sort of a "what happens in Vegas/Bangkok, stays in Vegas/Bangkok" scenario. Not that it’s an excuse, but possibly an explanation on why he might be showing something there that he wouldn’t "normally" show.
At the same time… where did he get the condoms? Why THAT destination? It does indicate a level of intent.
Is this behavior in accordance with the 10 years you have known him?

What is clear however is that change is needed, and it’s your call if you think he is capable of that change, or if the change is based on YOU moving on. At the VERY LEAST I would put a damper on this relationship and see what changes he’s willing to make and commit to.
But then… I can promise you right now that your quickest path to personal recovery is probably to move on from him.

something I can get past - is it possible?

I believe that as you start looking at your betrayal , choosing to ignore his persistent tries, will definitely help you figure out what you want to do with your life right now.

Many of us second guess difficult decisions. I was there, many times. The difficulty I found was balancing out my feelings having 40 years of a shared life with kids and grandkids etc. I did not want to lose that and at the same time I did not want a gaslighter and manipulator in my life either.

Something I have learnt was not to let my fWH influence my feelings nor my decisions. My husband is a great manipulator and a strong liar, when he chooses to act that way. But all the decisions I made were with my eyes wide open.

What helped me is answering the "what's in it for me now?" question. Not what you hope to have, but what you have right now. I got help in answering this for myself and it did take two months right after d-day and me cutting him off right away.

I review every year or so.

Im sorry you are here....

6 months in?> This would be a clear signal to me....RUN! and TWO sex workers and in Thailand - this sounds planned with zero consideration of you....

Please consider why you would even want to stay in this new relationship and consider waiting for a partner who will value you

I am so sorry you experienced this.

I am presuming you had a monogamous exclusive sexual agreement with each other.

This sort of betrayal is very painful. The advice I wish I followed was to put myself first and take exquisite care of myself.

I recommend anyone who believes their partner to have been unfaithful finding a std testing service/women’s or men’s or similar health provider who is skilled in supporting and knowing what tests are indicated. Exwh behavior was risky and my providers were very supported and repeated tests at appropriate timeframes.

Of course eating well, getting other health and emotional health support were an important part of my recovery.

As for staying together or not, while I do believe former waywards can become safe partners, it requires a lot of hard work for anyone to change.

And I think it has to be in alignment with a person’s values.

The biggest reason I am no longer married is I did not find ex WH’s and my values to be in alignment… He did not want a monogamous sexual contract with me and I was not interested in an open relationship.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 8:52 PM, Tuesday, January 9th]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Infidelity is excruciating in a way I had never previously managed before I experience dit myself.

I've managed to R from infidelity in my marriage so I come at it with this background. I do believe R can be successful if both partners are committed to it and willing to put 100% of their effort in, however there are absolutely no guarantees. Love alone is absolutely not enough. In my case, R was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It was YEARS before I felt healed (average is 2-5 years to R) and I consider myself to be a 'success story' - there are many many others who sacrificed monstrously, and invested years and years into R only to have it not work out. For obvious reasons, rebuilding trust with someone who has cheated on you is incredibly difficult. I do not think I could have done it with someone I didn't have a 10 year history with prior to the A. Nor do I think tit would have been worth the effort. In our case, I had been able to observe my spouse's behavior over time and with time and healing, I could see that his behavior in the A was an aberration from who he was generally. In your case, your partner apparently still in the honeymoon "best behavior" type stage. I can't imagine investing that amount of time and energy on someone who I hadn't seen be a safe and committed partner previously. To me, it would not be worth the time or effort - no matter how strongly I felt.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:31 PM, Wednesday, January 10th]