SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe I'm back.

So, many of you may remember my story. Wife of thirty years had 18 month affair and left for AP. So I started dating about six months after she left. Too soon? Maybe, but I felt therapy particularly EMDR had me in a good place. Dated a few women and then settled in a relationship with a nice woman I met online via Christian Mingle because that was important to me. We are both 58 yo, went to neighboring rival high schools and have very similar backgrounds and life experiences and she has a nice family and group of friends. She had been divorced a good bit longer than me. We both have children that are late twenties adults living on their own, so no issues there. We have been dating just over a year.

In terms of "friends" she has an ex who I had seen pop up in her messages ( I didn't read them) and he's not part of her ususal group. I've never met him but I have a weird vibe. Got assured "we dated briefly, weren't really good as a couple, but are now friends". He's nine years younger than us and I think that really flattered her at her age that someone that much younger would be interested in her. I know he's helped her with some things around her place before we met, putting up shelves, helping with furniture she bought on Facebook etc...I expressed some concern to her about being in touch with an ex, and she said "he's really not an ex, we only dated a few times". She also said at one point "you don't ever have to worry about Mr. X, that guy is just not very deep".

Things have been going well overall, and her lease is up and she is planning to move in to my house March 1. My gut was still feeling weird about this guy so I did what you shouldn't do and I went into her phone...Their texts were in her "recently deleted". Now, she normally never deletes text threads. Things were WAY too familiar (blushing emojis, "miss your cute face", when can I see you (both of them have said that), and even so far as both saying "I love you". She also mentioned how she got a new phone and the text thread came back, and that she'd always deleted their texts and now had to again. I travel for work, and when he asked to see her she sad "he's not away this week and a sad emoji" and "he's away next week maybe we can arrange something". He apparently blew her off and sounds like it happens a lot. He lives with a woman I should note. After him blowing her off she said "you did blow it this week, that's OK you just pretend you want to see me".

If not for my gut feeling (which i guess is different once you've been betrayed) there are no real outward signs. She's amazingly warm and affectionate, she's thoughtful, buying me little things for the house or foods I like, and just generally good to me. She's even helped me do some redecorating. My bous like her (they've met her a number of times) and my sister liked her a lot and even my elderly aunt who is the only family I have left in that generation thinks she's great. There are no issues in the intimacy department, it is regular and frequent and she intiates a lot.

I'm not going to live another infidelity nightmare. I know she'll go crazy that I went her phone too. I'd bide my time but we are literally just a couple weeks away from this move in.

Strangely, even though I love this woman I feel like with what happened with my ex I can never fully attach again and this one won't hurt as badly...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 10:09 PM, Monday, February 12th]

No way you should move forward and let her move in! Here’s what I would do:

1. Tell her you will not be in any relationships that harbors secrecy. Privacy is for sitting on the toilet. Secrecy is communicating with other men behind your back, and you won’t stand for that.

2. Tell her because of your past, and your gut, you went in her phone and what you saw was unacceptable. I mean seriously - she’s giving him ILY’s and trying to meet with him while you’re away. These are olympic pool sized red flags here man.

3. Tell her you understand she’s likely furious for going into her phone, but it doesn’t matter now. You were right, and the last thing you’re going to do is get deeper involved with a woman who’s keeping her ex in the picture. Send her on her way!

Then thank God He showed you this before things went any further and she moved in. Drop her now!!!

[This message edited by gr8ful at 7:07 PM, Monday, February 12th]

58 and she’s pulling this? Makes me wonder if her ex husband might have a different story about the divorce than the one you were told.

As for you going through her phone, keeping an ex around tends to set off alarms. She gave you a reason to investigate the truth of your relationship.

How repulsive sneaking around like naughty little kids. I don't know about telling her you went through her phone - she might twist it around and tell everyone you kept her under surveillance. What's the point anyway? She knows what she is doing.
Tell her it's over in text or person with a witness present and block her.

So sorry you’re back. Be strong and ruthless with dumping her. You’ve been here before, you’re not going through it again. You owe her no closure and you don’t need to reveal you looked at her phone. Drop her like a rock and go no contact.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 9:14 PM, Monday, February 12th]

Run, Forrest, run, she's "showing" you who she is.

Don't set yourself up for another hellish nightmare.

So sorry!

I get wanting to bide your time but with her about to move in, should you?

It's probably the end of the relationship which sucks because she seemed so nice. If you want to give her a chance I might just send her a note that you know there's a lot more going on with the ex than she has disclosed and that you can't move forward with her because of that. Then see how she reacts. No need to disclose your source right away or at all if you don't want to.

Or you could just end it and walk away too.

I’m sorry you are back, run!!! She has showed you her character, game, set, match.

Damn, Troutman, I hate that you are in this situation.

You handled your last case of infidelity with class. You would hope that the *reward* for getting through that mess would be to find a partner that would NOT do this to you.

Personally, I think as relationships move to next levels, there should be more rights/expectations from both parties. I can tell you that when my sister first got serious with her now husband, she asked him point blank if he had ever cheated, or if there was anything that he felt that she should know going forward. After he responded with a 'No' to the questions. she demanded to see his divorce decree from his previous marriage. THAT'S how serious she was about wanting to know her partner before she committed any further.

I don't think that it is out of line, for a couple who are about to move in together, to have access to one's phone if asked. If that's too much of a 'violation' to her, then maybe she is not who you thought she was. I'm assuming that you would hand over your phone to her if she asked. Moving in together is a huge step. Accessibility and vulnerability will most likely be heightened. And it may be a foolish more to expose yourself to someone who is no only not as committed as you, but potentially a devious person whose morals do no align with your own.

Hi Troutman523:

I remember you well. Very sorry you find yourself here with a new relationship. You went through enough with your EX! You
don’t need a relationship with someone who plays these games. You deserve better. I tend to be blunt. You don’t need to justify anything to her or argue. I would simply explain that she doesn’t need to wait until you are out of town to have her bf come over. She is free to live with her bf full time! On her own. Good by. Bullet dodged. End of story.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:28 AM, Tuesday, February 13th]

Troutman523,

So sorry you have to make an encore appearance here. Trust your gut. You should just peace-out of this relationship now.

Agree with everything JB said.

Life is too short to play games.

You have only been dating a year and you don’t have a long life, tied finances, family and kids together.

I know it hurts but you met her you will meet someone else.

Dating is marriage try outs and she failed.

She is definitely cheating.

She is planning to see him when you are not around. For what to play scrabble?

She is deleting messages and sending love you’s and heart emoji’s.

She is a grown woman and should have known it was time to let him go when she started dating you.

Don’t apologize for anything. Don’t know where the check phone is a bad as cheating came from. Social media and the Ester Perel types are the first suspects.

I don’t see the need to even talk about it. Honestly just send her a text that your done and you will drop her stuff off on her porch.

Just be honest. No need to play games and if she tries to lie send her the text or repeat them her.

You’ll never trust her and you can’t move on sleeping with one eye open.

You’ve been on here you know the drill.

If she tries to lie you would be going through all the steps people here tell everyone to do.

Lie defector, retrieving the text, telling the other spouse (you should still do that one)…. No more male friends.

Honestly best for both of you to just move on.

If she does move heaven and earth to save things you can post again but for now moving on and getting back out there is the right move.

Better just get it over with and go no contact asap.

She needs to worry about living arrangements so she needs to know as soon as possible.

Again I’m so sorry.

I agree with the other posters , exit politely and without explanation. I’m trying to understand her mentality. Why move in with you while she’s actively seeing this other guy? Are you in a better financial situation than her?

@Troutman523

she normally never deletes text threads. Things were WAY too familiar (blushing emojis, "miss your cute face", when can I see you (both of them have said that), and even so far as both saying "I love you". She also mentioned how she got a new phone and the text thread came back, and that she'd always deleted their texts and now had to again. I travel for work, and when he asked to see her she sad "he's not away this week and a sad emoji" and "he's away next week maybe we can arrange something"

I well remember your posts when I read far too many pages of this site. Your story had alot of similarities as in X that just one day dropped an atomic bomb into our lives and went on their merry way.

That quote above at least 5 reasons to dump her asap, especially the "he is not away this week and a sad emoji".

Six months isn't too early to date, but moving her in, yes way too early. One of the first things I've learned is there are quite a few options, second I learned was that many of those options would not be good for long term interests.

Just simply enjoy your life, don't worry about finding a new long term partner.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 11:50 AM, Tuesday, February 13th]

Troutman,

I am about to turn 59 in 2 days(Yes I'm a Valentine Baby and I loathe it because of what the day represents).

Like myself, you have a lot more days behind you than ahead of you. Please please please exit stage left with this woman. There are plenty, and I mean plenty of women in our age range(and younger) that would adore to be loved by someone like you. I actually just started dating again a few months ago after almost 15 years dating NOBODY. I'm grateful she is 16 years my junior and gorgeous but mostly grateful she does not play games. We are taking it Turtle slow. And that's fine by me. If she finds somebody younger, richer and better looking, then thanks for the fun and have a nice life. But I'm not in Love by any stretch. I have been burned too many times by game players to not guard my Heart like it's Fort Knox.

Just get rid of her now or you will regret it.

No one should be playing games at our age. She will be playing the same games when she is 60,65 and 70.

Life is far too short, sir..

I am shocked by the number of churched cake eating cheaters.

I am sorry you are going through this.
I hope that you come to a conclusion about what you want to do that is self protective and gives you what you deserve.

That said… I can guarantee you I could introduce a clean decent man in your age range who has their own income source and who is not abusive or a cheater to at least 10 actual loyal Christian women in your age range. And that’s without even asking friends of friends.

I remember the kissy face emoji and I absolutely do not tolerate that nasty reminder in my current bf’s interactions nor would he even consider dropping that emoji to anyone but me. That blushy emoji is so similar as to be indiscernible to me. Fact is he is loyal and not in high school cheating on me behind the bleachers.

Quite frankly the world is a big place full of decent companions. I don’t suggest accept anything less than what is reasonably desired.

Sorry you are back here. You say you met on a christian dating site. Don't tell her you looked at her phone. Tell her you are having 'gut feelings' that she's cheating and since she's a christian, she should not LIE to you. Then just look at her and say .... "tell me the truth." Above all do not move her in with you.

You should also inform the other BS if possible.

Troutman

If infidelity should teach us anything then it would be that it pays dividends to be direct and clear in communications.
It should also teach us that the old, naïve and stupid "blind" trust is about as realistic as the sign for the Unicorn Petting Zoo down the road.

A friend I have from my police-days told me a story some years ago: A known petty-thief came to the station and handed him a phone that he said he had "found" on the street. The phone belonged to a man that had reported a break in to his car a few days previously. The petty-thief asked the cop to check the pictures on the phone, and they included a number of child-porn pics… Doesn’t take much to detective power to deduct that the thief had actually broken into the vehicle, but that the seriousness of what he found compelled him to do right. The petty-thief left with a big thank-you, the detective did not ask him about the other valuables stolen, and the owner of the vehicle was soon after arrested for sexual crimes.
It's an example of how sometimes a lesser bad thing can be excused because it reveals a bigger issue.

Look – the fact you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone would probably be serious in many cases. Like if you were to take your coworkers phone and riffle through his private messages to his wife or banker or whatever then that would definitely be a serious invasion of privacy.
But… here you are checking on a person you have envisioned as a life-partner. There is an expectancy of openness and honesty. Yes – you might have broken that honesty by going through her phone, but in doing so you discovered a greater issue – one that justifies your actions IMHO.

What I would suggest is the following:
You sit her down and state:
Our relationship has been progressing and now it’s at the stage where we plan on cohabiting.
In my past my former wife cheated on me, so I am very sensitive towards all infidelity.
Fidelity and monogamy – emotional and physical – is a total 100% requirement, and something I give to a relationship.
I have confirmed that you are still having a relationship with your ex. This is not something I am willing to accept.
You have stated that nothing is going on, yet I have seen plans for you to meet up, how you profuse love to each other and how you refuse to remove him from your life.
I do not think we should move in together at this time.
I think we need a break in our relationship for both of us to seriously think about what we want.
[and if you want this relationship to work then add this…]
We need a 10 day break where we don’t talk or interact and only evaluate what we want. I might reach the conclusion that I am best off without you and you might reach the conclusion that you want your freedom to flirt with other men.
After those ten days we can decide if we want to talk, but be aware that if you want us to try again you need to have ways to assure me that you are committed to US.

The act of meeting up with guys secretly, while dating you, is already cheating, even if (and a big if) nothing physical has happened, while you’ve been dating. I would refuse to reveal how you found out. It’s good to keep your source of information secret anyways because, otherwise your cheater can then know how to hide stuff better. I’d tell her that you know she cheated and with whom and you’re done. If she indeed hasn’t seen him when you are not around (doubtful), you are still breaking up with a lady with horrible boundaries.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 11:25 AM, Tuesday, February 13th]

Hey, I believe you're moving too fast. According to your last update, your divorce was finalized short under a year ago, half a year later you started dating some women and are now maybe a few months together with another lady and already are planning to move in together. To be honest, in a few few weeks or months you know nothing about a person. But you are expecting much of her. My advice, take it slow, enjoy your time, but don't expect too much of it and don't act irresponsibly.