SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure where to begin or even what I’m looking for. I’ve been reading voraciously on this site for the past few days and it’s been incredibly helpful in understanding infidelity, how cheaters operate and how betrayed spouses respond. Still, I’m devasted and really not clear how or even if I can move forward.

I’ll try and make this as brief as possible. I’m 38 and my WW is 43. We’ve been married for fourteen years. When I first met my WW she was divorced and had twin four year old girls. They were five when we got married and are now nineteen and in college. I grew up in the foster care system. Back then, the State just dumped kids out at eighteen. I saw many kids just spiral down when this happened, so from the time I was fifteen I worked and saved as much as I could. I went fulltime to community college and then on to a State college, always working full time as well. I never dated in high school or college. It took everything I had just to survive. When I met my WW it was just amazing. She is my one and only. Up until a few days ago, I think we both would have said that our marriage was rock solid. We were best friends, the passion was incredibly strong and never waned and we co-parented really well together. I think this is why I was totally blindsided. Even after finding out, I still don’t see any red flags.

My WW had an out-of-town industry conference that was scheduled to start late Sunday afternoon on the East coast. She had to fly out Saturday afternoon to get there in time. She was out for a run before getting ready and leaving for the airport. I was leaving to play golf and stopped in the kitchen. She had left her phone on the counter – something she rarely did. I heard a message come in and glanced at it. The message was I can’t wait to fuck you when you get back. My first thought was boy, someone sent that to the wrong number. I then thought really, what are the chances of that and opened her phone – neither of us use a password. OMG, I was just stunned. There were months of messages with this guy. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut and could barely breathe.

My career demands the ability to focus, prioritize and compartmentalize. I’m not sure how, but I just flipped into that mode. I thought I had maybe forty-five minutes so I got to work and was able to clone what I needed from her phone and get it reset and back on the counter. I then left, called my buddy and cancelled golf and then drove to a Starbucks and begin reading. It seems her A had been going on for over five months. From other messages with her friends, she met this guy on a GNO and slipped right into to the A that night. She’s been meeting him once a week unless I was out of town and then it was sometimes twice. From everything I read, the A was highly sexual without any romance.

My WW is due back home Friday evening. In addition to working, the only thing that kept me sane and functioning was to stay focused and prioritize. I met with a private investigator on Monday to find out all I could about her AP. Due to a cancellation, I was able to get an appointment with a highly respected divorce attorney yesterday to learn what I could expect from a divorce. I then spent a lot of time locking down our finances and filling out a mountain of paperwork that needs to be done if I, or we, decide to divorce.

When I got up this morning I could barely move. I just couldn’t make myself go to work. This is the first time since I found out that the enormity of what’s happened is just starting to sink in and I feel like I’m drowning. My WW will be home Friday night, so I have a couple of days to toughen up and do what I need to do. I plan to confront her when she gets home. I’m not sure how to do it. I’m not angry --- yet. Right now, I’m just crushed and I don’t want her to see that. I’ve been avoiding her all week and I won’t be able to act as if nothing is wrong. Unless there’s something I’m not seeing, I just don’t see a way forward for us. Even with all the abuse and neglect in childhood, I’ve never felt this much pain. For those of you who’ve had to confront your spouse, what would be the best way to do it. Thanks for your time.

JustCrushed

I am crushed at reading your post. I'm so sorry you had to post that and for the situation your WW put you in.

Do you have any children together?

And how do you know the A was purely sexual?

I am sorry you are in this situation. You found a very good place for advice. Your actions so far have been spot on. Keep reading and posting here as you travel this path. It seems to me that one of the critical things you need to find out is if she is worth even thinking about offering reconciliation. Her reaction to the confrontation can give you a preliminary read on this. Whatever you do, don't reveal how much you know or how you found out. If pushed, just say that someone sent you some information. This will allow you see how honest she is

I would suggest that you confront her as soon as you get her home. I would start by asking her straight out if has abused your trust. Do not elaborate and do not answer any question she responds with. Observe her reaction and listen to her wording. Allow there to be significant moments of silence, it is a very strong tool. If she refuses to answer truthfully or makes an excuse to leave the conversation, ask her if she would prefer to postpone the conversation while she goes to have sex with the AP (use his name). At this point I would immediately leave and go for a walk or drive to a nearby park or restaurant. I would stay away for a few hours and not answer any calls or texts from her. When you do go back, ask her if she wants to tell you about the affair or discuss terms of the divorce.

By this time she should realize you are serious. You should both get tested for STDs. Take as much time as you need to make a final decision (think many months). Tell your work what you are going through.

Wow you definitely have done yourself a favor in seeing an attorney and getting your finances locked down. It's a lot and pretty overwhelming when you find out your partner is cheating. Especially when you didn't see red flags or have suspicions to begin with.

The top 3 things I recommend all newcomers to this page is to see an attorney. To see your Dr. This is probably the most traumatic thing you have been through personally, well maybe not you since you were a foster kid but it's incredibly difficult to deal with. So see your dr. Get full STD panel this means blood work and exam. If not able to sleep or eat let your dr know. Anxiety over this and grief can impact you significantly. Get a referral for a trauma informed therapist too. You don't want or need MC a this time. That's reserved for when the wayward starts the real work of healing themselves, but your M wasn't broke your W is.
This brings me to my 3rd point or recommendation. Figure out what you want and need if you want to stay M and rebuild. Get your list of must haves figured out. Then what are your deal breakers. What are the things that would make you say I'm out. Also understand that these things will change as things unfold and see what happens next. Having these things figured out prior to your confrontation will allow you to make your needs, and demands known. It will also give you credibility. Be prepared to have consequences for failing to meet these demands and requests.

Of course how you confront and what your personal wants and needs are will be personalized know that the path to R and/or D is similar, and while your wife is an individual most. A's and paths to R follow a similar path. The lies and excuses are very similar. Cheaters in how they approach the A and R are so highly predictable we often refer to the cheaters handbook which is not an actual handbook but is a highly predictable pattern of actions and behaviors.

Keep reading keep posting.

Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be. Do read in the healing library and read about the 180. You have suffered a huge trauma and you will cycle through emotions of anger, rage, and emotional pain. Although you are obviously a strong person, this emotional bomb have laid many strong people to their knees. Please do seek IC. Do find positive ways to burn off you angry energy.

There are many here who will give you great advice for the confrontation based on personal experience. You have some honed skills of focus and prioritization that will stand you in good stead. Remain calm throughout. Don’t ask her to confess. Tell her you know she is cheating. Don’t argue the point or engage with her. Don’t ask her if she wants to stay married. That gives her all of the power. Most likely she would say she doesn’t know, which is of course, an answer, and leaves you in limbo. If it were me I would give her the option to end her A then and there. If she hesitates and begs for time you have your answer. Have a plan for what you want moving forward if she opts for D. If she wants to save the M, she should immediately write a "no contact" letter to the AP that you approve. Open and complete transparency with her phone and devices. A written and detailed timeline of her A. Of course, all of this may be a dealbreaker for you, and you may not be open to R. Your trust in her has been destroyed. I would not advise acting in anger. Give yourself a little time to absorb her response and decide what you want. If she continues in her A, implement the 180 and take steps to move forward. Do get checked for STDs. Good luck. Stay calm.

JustCrushed, sorry you are here. Your world has been turned upside down and completely devasted.

Other more experienced posters will also be along to help you through this. A few things first:

1) Take care of yourself. Stay hydrated and stay away from alcohol and drugs. Try to eat clean but don't be surprised if you lose some pounds from the "infidelity diet." Try to get some sleep as best as you are able (easier said than done) Also, get yourself tested for STDs as quick as possible.

2) Great job getting an attorney, follow his advice if he's as good as you claim. Hopefully your attorney has addressed with you the housing situation, it varies from jurisdiction but you need to know if you can keep her from the house (attorney may be able to seek immediate Temporary Orders to give you the right to the house during the divorce) If not you need to know if you can be in her presence during this expected volatile situation when your WW (wayward wife) comes home, and whether you can keep calm in her presence. PURCHASE A VAR (voice activated recorder) heck, purchase 3 or 4... keep one on your body during any conversations with your WW... then place a VAR in common areas of the house and if you need to, in her vehicle (if you have the opportunity to discreetly place a VAR in her car) You want a VAR on your body (even better would be cell or in-home cameras) so that your WW cannot call the police to claim a bogus domestic violence charge against you.

3) Did your PI find out if the AP (affair partner... you're going to learn a lot of new acronyms) is married or does he have a serious girlfriend?? If so, she will be the known as the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) Now you will need to discuss with your attorney as to handle this situation. Tactically, there are several different ways to approach this, so have your attorney on board to know which way you want to go... some believe that you can use the threat of exposure to gain leverage over your WW to gain advantageous terms (reduced alimony or marital support) in the divorce and a quicker divorce. Others believe that exposure to OBS and your WW's family is the best way to kill and end the affair. It does kill the affair (usually), but if you know your WW's affair is a deal-breaker, meaning an automatic divorce for you, then plan for the best way for you in the divorce. Remember, exposure is a weapon that can only be used once, so use it wisely and to your best advantage.

4) You have a couple of days until she returns. I would advise to keep silent with your WW. Don't respond to her calls or texts or even emails... except maybe a brief reply such as "Real busy, talk later" so she doesn't have family or neighbors come by and check on you. Let her twist in the wind not being able to contact you. REMEMBER her affair is NOT YOUR FAULT! She has put you in this situation due to her actions. Let her stay in the dark like she has kept you in the dark the last 5 months. You need to continue to emotionally detach from your WW so you have a clear head and can think things through.
Talk to your attorney.... you may want to have a few bags for her packed on the front porch with your lawyer's business card and note for her to stay at a hotel or her boyfriend's house until she retains an attorney. If you can get Temporary Orders and a copy of the divorce petition in time for Friday, attach those as well. Your attorney may tell you that she has the right to stay in the house during the divorce (assuming it's a community property state) If so, you may want to ghost her more and not be at your house when she returns. Again talk to your attorney, don't want a claim of abandonment... Do you have a friend's house you can stay at? Can you afford a week worth of hotel stays? If so, leave your attorney's card and a note saying "don't call me, I'll call you" where your WW can find it... oh, also leaving your wedding ring with the note is a nice touch. Again the no contact with your WW will drive her crazy... she'll know she has no control over you and she is at your mercy.

Sorry for the length... I'm sure others will fill in anything I may have forgotten.

Take care of yourself, JustCrushed.

JC,

Sorry you had reason to find this site. I recommend you record the confrontation with your wayward wife. You can use your phone or get a voice activated recorder. One reason is for your protection. False domestic violence charges are not unheard of when it comes to infidelity. You may think she would never but you’re finding out the list of things she would never do is much shorter than you would have assumed just a few days ago.

The second is that waywards tend to change their stories. They often lie and deny what what’s been said or admitted to previously. It’s likely that what you hear during the confrontation will be different from what you hear in the ensuing weeks. Whether you decide to divorce or attempt reconciliation a record of her initial version could be a good reference.

You may also want to buy a couple of extra VAR’s. Put one in her car and one wherever in the house she likes to talk on the phone. May be interesting to hear what she’s saying and to who after the confrontation.

What do you know about her affair partner? If he has a wife or girlfriend inform her of their affair. She has as much right as you do to know the truth.

Welcome to SI, the best club no one ever wants to join. Sorry you are here but glad you found us.

Haven't had time to read through the member responses, so if it hasn't been said already, never, ever reveal your sources. She will immediately delete every iota of evidence (even though you have it already) and will more than likely seek out some other way to communicate to AP that you know. Tread lightly.

Please do not tell your wife how you found out and please do not tell your wife about this site.

Post as often as you need to, all of us Betrayeds have walked in your shoes and understand the nightmare you are living.

Justcrushed
I am very sorry you are here.
We’ve been where you are and know exactly what you are going through. I didn’t think I would survive it. But here I am…..
It’s good to see that you are strong and thinking clearly even under these circumstances.
Please know and believe that you will get through this. Whether it leads to divorce or reconciliation, you will get through it.

So….
1. Confronting your spouse
My WH denied and denied for weeks and weeks while I collected evidence. Then I confronted him with just one evidence (hotel bill thrown in the trash so i wasn’t actually "snooping" per se. And I told him the AP’s name. Told him I found the name by doing some research. And that was enough for him to confess but not fully. He continued to lie (trickle truth) for months

2. What not do to
Please stay strong and do not do the "pick me dance" where you try to win your wife back. This is not the time for that. You need to show strength in that you would be ok if she left. You need to put your foot down on what you will accept from her: Cut off complete contact with the AP, write a full timeline of the affair, take a lie detector test, get counseling, etc. We instinctively believe we might push our cheaters away if we come across too strongly but it actually does the opposite. Trust us on this one. Once you tell her she can go be with the AP and you would be happy to file for divorce and go on living your life (and maybe meet a lovely woman somewhere down the road) her disposition will change real quick.

Please do not believe what she tells you because cheaters lie a LOT. It will take time for her to get clarity to come fully clean.
Please do not reveal your sources. You may need to tap into them again.

Remember, your wife is not suspecting much. She will be blindsided when you confront her with evidence. Use that to your advantage.
You do not need to decide whether you want to divorce, reconcile, or do a trial separation. You are not in the mindset for that right now. Don’t worry about that now. Just get through getting the information you need from your wife and shining a light to the lies she’s been living.

So sorry you had to find us. You are doing really well given the circumstances. You;ve gotten good advice, too.

As AnnB said, do not tell her how you know what you know.

Get some exercise- it’s really good for your body and your mind. And know that you will get through this, even though it feels overwhelming right now. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to? Someone who will support you whether you R or D? Therapy, (IC) can be really helpful in figuring out what you want going forward.

Hang in there.

I don’t know how many people on here understand the herculean task you had as a child to get yourself ready for adulthood while still in foster care. I am so proud of you! You are amazing!

The pain you feel is because you probably yearned for a "normal" family and thought you had it. You have so much sadness, so much strength, so much to offer that I hope you take care of yourself. This pain is real to your entire body. It is as if you were shot. You truly need to heal.
My suggestions:
Get as much sleep as you can.
Stay away from drugs, including alcohol.
Get some sunshine on your face. It helps the immune system
See a dr if you need short term meds for anxiety.

And be realistic about your wife. The thing about cheaters is that the person who loves them never looks at them the same way. It has been years for me and I still know my husband cheated.

Hang in there OP. You are literally in shock, and will remain there for some time. Now is absolutely not the time to commit to R regardless of (hypothetically) your W’s sobbing and blubbering. I would say, however, if this is a deal-breaker for you (it would be for me), and you know it in your bones, then simply inform her you will D, and the terms she offers could impact the fallout.

Here’s the thing: D’s take a LONG time (with very few exceptions). You could also tell her you’ve initiated D but, technically, she has until the D is final to convince you otherwise, and you could always stop it if 15 miracles occur (don’t count on that at all). Heck, some men have D’d their adulterous wives, demoting them to girlfriend status, some to remarry and some not. Keep complete control here - obviously she’s had the upper hand with her shenanigans for a long time. Now it’s your turn to drive the boat. Tell her she’s made her choices and now you are making yours.

In any case, I would demand a written timeline from her, due in 48 hours max, where she *details* every last interaction, feeling, who chased who, and every last sexual act (be graphic), location, everything. Then sit her down and have her READ the timeline to you (you get a copy). Watch her as she reads this. Then tell her she will sit for a polygraph, which she will pay for out of "her" money (you’ve already split finances - great job!), where she will be asked whether the timeline is 100% accurate and complete. Also have her asked if she’s been in any way physical with any other man besides you and OM (the examiner will define).

This is just a start. We will keep advising you as you keep posting. I affirm how others have said to never reveal your sources, and don’t reveal this site - you must get yourself into the mindset that she’s your adversary and not the faithful loving wife you thought she was. The person you’re married to is radically different than who you thought so do not give her access here where she will read the advice given to you. Be very careful to use private browsing on your devices and then close the windows so she can’t subsequently determine where you’ve been on the ‘net.

Stay strong is the key! You got this.

JustCrushed, I am so sorry mate. I have lived this, bought the T-shirt and signed up for the monthly subscription. It's terrible, and I know the panic you are feeling. From the get go, I need you to hear me very well: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, OR BECAUSE OF ANY ACTION ON YOUR BEHALF. She cheated because it excited her, and because the threat of discovery and the consequences thereof were overridden by the thrill she gets from deceiving you.

I am glad you found this site, it is a godsend, and I am forever grateful for the care and advice I got when I went through this (check out my thread in this forum if you want a read, 'After 9 years of R....')

A few things stuck out straight off the bat,
a. Who actually starts a conference on a Sunday night? Sounds like she wanted some 'me' time in another city on a weekend (i.e Saturday night) I only say this because my ex-wife did the same.
b. What were the circumstances of her first divorce, per chance?

Just interesting points that made me wonder. Regardless, here's what I suggest.

First things first, you gather the evidence and print it out. You already had the smarts to clone the phone info, so it won't 'magically disappear' now. The fact she had no password on her phone shows how cavalier she was obviously getting, and how little she thought about getting caught.

Second, pack some bags for her and have them waiting when she gets back. You've done the financial bit, but if you do go down the D route, consider that she may have been using family money to book hotels etc etc. from what I understand of the US legal system (I am an Aussie btw), you can get this money back as part of any eventual settlement. Something to think about.

Thirdly, and I want to say this gently, you need to get STD tested. Not that you'll be of a mind to do so in any likelihood, but resist sleeping with her going forward. There is a phenomenon known as 'hysterical bonding' that some couples engage in once the affair is out in the open in an effort to 're-connect' with their partner. I digress slightly. Long story short, for whatever reason, part of the cheater's textbook is that they rarely like using protection. it adds to the thrill. Imagine my joy at discovering that my ex-wife's AP was a married polyamorist with two other girlfriends. How I managed to get a clear STD panel noting his cascading family tree of sexual partners still amazes me. You need to protect yourself accordingly.

On confrontation, give her the opportunity to confess. I am guessing you have a pretty good idea of the terrible debacle from her text log, but tell her that she has one chance to come clean and tell you what is going on. She will 99.9% lie and obfuscate, with an attempt to gaslight you and/or downplay the situation. 'He's only a good friend', 'the conversations are just sill sexual conversations that mean nothing because we are such good friends'...you'll likely hear variations of that prior to denying he even exists.

What will follow will be a series of 'trickle truths' i.e. she will only confess or tell you what she thinks you already know. tell her that you know the truth, and if she wants to save the marriage, she will confess to everything. One lie, you get up and walk.

My heart goes out to you mate. I've had this talk, I know how stressful it is. Remember: none of this is your fault.

Post confrontation, implement the Grey Rock method.

Thank you all for taking the time to offer support and guidance. It’s appreciated more than you can know. The idea that I need to get an STD test just hit me like a ton of bricks. Just the thought of having to ask for that is humiliating. I probably shouldn’t have taken yesterday off. I just had way too much time to go back over the texts and ruminate on all of it. There were some really hurtful things in the texts that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get past.

I’ll try and answer some questions. The divorce attorney pretty much confirmed what I thought. We’re both high wage earners, have sizable equity in our home and don’t carry any debt. There shouldn’t be any spousal support and things should be split pretty much in half. Most of our investments are liquid and shouldn’t be difficult to split up. As far as college for the girls goes, we’re paying 50%, WW’s parents are paying 25% (they insisted) and the girls are paying 25%. We both insisted on this as we wanted them to have some skin in the game. If they graduate, well pay it all off. If they don’t, it’s on them. If we divorce, I’ll keep my commitment and pay half of our share. I did discuss this with the attorney he suggested that’s it’s Ok to do this, just j don’t formalize it. He said you never know where these things can go. God, just one more thing to think about.

I know the start time on the conference is legitimate. It’s an annual thing and I’ve seen the itinerary. It starts with registration late Sunday afternoon, followed by a cocktail reception in the early evening. Since we’re on the West coast and the conference is on the East coast, It’s just a lot less stressful for her to go in Saturday night. I’ve done the same thing over the years.

This morning has been better than yesterday. I’ve been able to at least think rationally and function. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m not going to probe for lies and answers. I’m simply going to confront her with I know she’s been doing, that I’m leaning towards divorce and she’s free to pack her shit and go to her AP. My response to what she says and does will have to be in the moment – something I’m not totally comfortable with. I do know that if I get a response that’s full of excuses, blame or not what I want, I’ll call it then and there. I can already feel my heart closing up – something I couldn’t even have imagined several days ago.

Again, thanks to all for your support. I’ve read and re-read your messages. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane. I know the worst is yet to come.

If you’re going to take stock of her reaction when you confront her, then you should consider recording. You will be emotional, likely confrontational, and might not remember exactly what was said. Later on, when your head is clear, you could review what she ACTUALLY said, whatever lies she might tell you, and tell you details that you might miss in the heat of the moment. In fact, you should record all interactions from now on. Once she’s faced with the possibility of divorce, then she will start throwing Hail Marys, like accusations and call the police. She’s shown herself to be a competent liar, and arrogant enough to telegraph her attacks by threatening you with them. Better if she doesn’t know you’re doing it too.

Your plan seems straight forward and workable. An additional suggestion is NOW while she is gone get a VAR in her car and and one to record the confrontation. The one in the car will allow you to compare her response to you with what she says to her AP. It may be the thing which allows you to make a fully informed decision.

Just Crushed,

I have been exactly where you are now. Yep, you just got bitch slapped by reality, one that is harsh and replaces the lie you were unknowingly living. Sucks.
You do have three gifts that will leave you soon. Three. They will fade away used or unused. I encourage you to use them. And now.
Gifts are:
1.Knowledge
2.Time
3.Ability to Maneuver
Your knowledge leaves no doubt of the issue, your wives betrayal. She now holds the position of enemy. Don’t forget that. (it may change as some point, but not now)
Don’t assume anything about anything. If she will/has/continues to lie about vows, she will lie about money, etc. DO NOT make the mistake assuming the enemy has integrity, just because you do.
Your enemy does not know you have this knowledge. (they will soon enough, though) Once the enemy knows you know, this gift is gone.

Time and time to plan. Friday is a date, sure. But if you need more time change it. But you must deal with this soon. If you know, it is only a matter of time till the enemy knows. PI make mistakes. Lawyers make mistakes. Banks make mistakes. Secrets only last so long. (proof, your wife’s cell phone just slapped you upside the head)

Ability to maneuver. This is a wonderful gift. You get to decide ahead of time how to set the battlefield. And know this it is a battle and the first confrontation with enemy you will be tested.
This will last forever. Little things like money, terms etc can be dealt with. Look at the wonderful gifts you have, use them wisely.
DO NOT act in anyway the lowers you to the enemy’s level, your integrity will punish you.

As to the coming confrontation, know what you want.
The options are: she leaves, you leave, you part ways, you stay together.

The facts are she will lie. She has lied.

What will you do?

Breathe, compartmentalize, be cool, stop the bleeding now, fall apart later.

JC,
I am a BS too . My Dday was a bit more than 2 years ago and still trying to R but I could totally feel and empathize with you .

Stay strong and stay the course . In a way it was good that you found out while she was away from home. You have several days to talk to your attorney and prepare for the blow up. She will be totally shocked when you confront her, you have the upper hand. Don’t make any decision for R or D yet but you are ahead from her .

If you decide to D, you are still young , the future is there for you . I have no doubt that you will find happiness again with a much better person .

Pls take care of your self . Stay calm , make an effort to eat and drink plenty of water . Good luck ! We are all here to support you !!

JustCrushed:

Seems like a very solid plan. Good luck. Be prepared for the standard response when a person is confronted with their deceit, lies, and betrayal. The human reaction is to go into self-protection mode and minimize the A and lie! Or go into DARVO mode and attack and attempt to blameshift! Rationalizations like: "It was only a fantasy". "It meant nothing". "He meant nothing to me", "It only happened twice", "I’m so glad you found out, I didn’t know how to end it", and on and on. Very few WS when confronted out of the blue are able to be honest and remorseful from the get-go. Good luck.

Sorry you find yourself here, you have a great plan. DO NOT tell her what you know or how you know. Just let her do the talking. Like mentioned before she is the enemy of your M and you cannot trust her. She will is going to respond one of two ways. Very defensive "how dare you accuse me". Or "I’m so sorry, I can’t live without you". At this time both are nothing but self serving manipulative bull shit. Don’t fall in a trap, don’t answer any questions, she has all the answers respond with "you tell me". Try to hold the emotion back.

Keep us updated we are here to help, she has prepared for this day and has all the answers and justifications.