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What are some lies waywards tell their APs?

Oh all kinds of stupid things. Almost everytime I was asked a question I would say the thing that I thought would impress him the most. He had me name my favorite bands, three of them I knew he liked. While I was familiar with them, let’s face it he was two generations older, we didn’t have these things in common.

I blew a lot of smoke, compliments, feelings, etc. because I wanted to hear it in return. Having an affair in most cases is an act of self adulation, I tended to say whatever I needed to in order to keep favorable attention.

I did this in my youth too. I had laid a lot of that behavior to rest as I had matured. The affair was almost like reverting back to that time probably because I was seeking freedom. And during that time in my life it was footloose and responsibility free, so it was almost like experiencing it again with the same lack of maturity.

One of xWS's AP's told me this once:

"He proposed to me but then said he couldn't leave because of the kids"

MOW said:

"He's staying with you because he's afraid you will commit suicide"

Also said I was abusive to him

I know he portrayed our marriage - and me - as awful.

It's interesting that I can't think of anything else that he might have lied to her about. She knew who he really was well before I did, including information about his previous affairs.

It's really weird to think about a stranger knowing your husband better than you do.

It's weird that all the lies were reserved for me.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:53 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

Oops! Posted in the wrong place! Sorry bout that

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 11:09 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

It's weird that all the lies were reserved for me.

I asked my wife if she ever lied to POSOM, and honest little her said she never did. Isn’t that nice?

I don’t even actually believe that with the whole fantasy element and the rewriting marital history. But just the fact that at that time she believed she never did, while she has given me such an awful diet of lies, it’s unfathomable.

Oh I didn’t think I lied either. It took a lot for me to admit the depths of desperation I went to. I even proclaimed to him I never lied when the affair ended, but clearly an affair is often two people using each other.

I did a lot of self brainwashing to keep this thing going, and today it all rings hollow. I think I would have answered I never lied to him for much of the first year after the affair ended. It took a long time for me to admit how ducked up the whole thing was. I think I just needed to keep believing it for my own self preservation for some period of time.

Were you afraid the AP would tell your spouse the full truth?

Never. But it was because I knew about his other affairs. he was the one more in a position to lose in that sense.I didn’t have other skeletons so to speak. when the affair ended I knew I had to tell my husband, and I did that.

Mine allegedly never badmouthed me. Even AP told me that when she called me. He told her I was great and none of this was my fault. Even gave her the classic "if you knew my wife, you'd like her better than you like me."

But he definitely played the big shot role to the fullest.

She did not know about his health conditions. She did not know about his financial troubles. She did not know about his underlying depression and how withdrawn and sullen he could be (before the affair). He lied and said we moved b/c his Dad was sick and needed to move in with us. Not true. He lied and said that I begged him not to leave me. I never did. Not once. He lied and said he'd lose a million dollars in a divorce. LMAO as if.

He was not honest about how he felt about her either. She was into some dumb shit that I know he hates but he feigned fascination. Like Hiking, he fed her what she wanted to hear.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 6:39 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

I believe my WW's assertion that she never lied to her AP, even though she met up with him several times a week. But then, she admits that they did a modicum of talking, as it was more grab ass at the end of their PM shift, after which her on-call doctor " hospital husband ( she now really hates that term) wanted mother more than sleep at then end of 24 hours on call.The lies, deception, subterfuge and obfuscation were reserved for me alone, along with the vilification, disdain and complete disrespect. That part of her first affair is still the hardest to forgive.

"Also said I was abusive to him"

Sadly this seems to a common but dangerous for the BS theme.

False allegations like this can destroy lives and careers.

"I'm working on qualifying for the Boston Marathon," said the man who had only completed a handful of (slow) 5K races.

There are so many, but this one always makes me laugh.

In the short time since my D-Day, just from what I have found out on my own, my WW has told her AP that she’s already separated from me, that I have been emotionally abusive, that I have been checked out of our marriage for a long time, and now that I have found out, I am holding her hostage at home. Silly things even like claiming my normal days off work were vacation days I suddenly took just to stalk and torment her.

"Oh all kinds of stupid things. Almost everytime I was asked a question I would say the thing that I thought would impress him the most. He had me name my favorite bands, three of them I knew he liked. While I was familiar with them, let’s face it he was two generations older, we didn’t have these things in common." Hikingout, wow, this is so similar to how my WH behaved!

He loves all sorts of music, but he has an affinity with rock/country. It developed over a number of years, and its certainly grown on me too.

But with the AP who was nearly a decade younger, and who was the polar opposite of him, he said he was into pop and 90's teeny bopping rock/punk light.

Thus they "bonded" over their love of identical music tastes apparently...

She told him she loves really spicy food and horror movies (ironically these are my likes), turned out she's a chicken korma girl and likes rom-coms.

So yeah, originally he thought wow, someone ELSE who also loves spicy food and horror moves...AND we like the same music.

He told her he likes walking as a hobby (if you call walking our dogs 15 minutes round the block a hobby?) - because this is someone who goes on hour long hikes. When they went on few walks, he could hardly keep up!

She told him she LOVES cooking, and she makes the best bolognese ever. Funnily enough, bolognese is one of the many meals I make that my husband salivates over (I used to inwardly joke that he'd never leave me because he loves my bolognese so much - what a fool 😕). So great, he's thinking. Turns out, all she can do is fry up some mince and add a jar sauce. She didn't even own any herbs or spices 🤭

I could go on....

I don't know how true it is for other affairs, but it seems a common theme that many affairs are based on playing a character.

False flattery!

I read a lot of their texts and FaceBook messages. The false flattery my husband dispensed to AP was unsettling. So unlike him. He also used complimentary words with her he never used with me. Usually the false flattery was him responding to some random OLD photo of herself she sent. Like "I can’t believe how incredibly beautiful you are". Trust me, this woman is not beautiful. Her vapid, selfish character is evident in her eyes and face. So, she has neither internal nor external beauty. And he admitted flattering her to play along = he didn't THINK she was beautiful 🙂= LIES.

Their mutual fake flattery was obviously transactional – you stroke my ego, and I’ll stroke yours. Very high school. Not much emotional investment - from either one. Their text conversations were like two well programed chat bots exchanging complimentary ego kibble. Kind of boring really. No "I love you" or anything like that. No complaining or lying about me, thank goodness - at least in texts I read. I was so done and ready to walk away, any discovered "I luuurv you" or lies about me would have been a bridge too far for me to consider reconciliation.

Thanks WhiskeyBlues for jogging my memory. Just remembered another lie he told her! Just like WhiskeyBlue's WH, my H pretended to love hiking. Sheesh, this is a guy who won't walk around the block unless he has to! I can perfectly visualize him huffing and puffing after her on the trail

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:10 AM, Friday, March 1st]

Agree with the playing a character thing. He seems to have only chosen not to badmouth me much because he was playing the PERFECT person. So everything in his life was grrrrreeeeaaat! Apparently even his marriage (despite all evidence to the contrary). He was an upbeat guy (sullen and morose frequently), big joker (usually afraid to speak up in any crowd, much less make a joke), a ladies man (who’d barely had sex when we met) and a caring dad (who skipped his daughter’s end of school play to go meet up with this tramp).

Like Vocalion, this nonsense was taking place mostly in a medical setting so there wasn’t much time for conversation. After one of the glorious make out sessions apparently she said that no one ever told her she was pretty. He said oh you’re beautiful. He said this was a lie and having seen her I would have to agree. This wonderful verbal exchange has now destroyed for life any possibility of enjoying the simple pleasure of having your husband tell you you’re beautiful (even if I know its probs not true for me either). At least I used to be able to believe it for a hot minute.

He also lied in telling her all would be well with her job, while secretly arranging her transfer to work for someone else.

The lie that boils my blood:

Every so often, someone joins SI and says something like, 'I'm an ap. My ap told me he wasn't M, and I dumped him when I found out he was. I feel awful. Can someone give me ideas for healing?'

I just don't see those folks as 'true' aps. Dumping a WS as soon as one finds out their partner is in a relationship is honest and ethical, IMO. Those aps are victims about as much as BSes are, again IMO. (We've also had members who were conned, then found out but stayed together for some time. Those aps are definitely cheaters, IMO.)

*****

Lies my W told that make me still laugh:

1) Both W and ow claimed at the beginning of their relationship that they both prized honesty above all. They lied for 4 months to OBS before ow told her H about the A, without discussing telling with her partner (my W). They weren't ever going to tell me, because I wasn't evolved enough. If my W had come to me and told me she wanted to be ow's partner for life, I would have been devastated but I would have D'ed to free them to be together. I would have accepted honesty.

2) My W gave ow a 'sort of engagement ring', because same-sex Ms weren't valid in our state. If she had waited 7 months, they would have been valid. She completely ignored the fact that bigamy is illegal.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:15 PM, Friday, March 1st]

Typical mid life crisis affair lies:

I’m divorcing my wife (he never mentioned a D until the OW threatened to end the relationship)

I’m a big shot executive at my company (he was but it’s sad that was needed as part of his identity)

My friends will all love and accept the OW b/c they just want me (the cheater) to be happy

I’ve been unhappy for years (he only was unhappy when he wanted to be with the OW and could not be b/c he was married)

Just a few from my personal experience.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:41 PM, Friday, March 1st]

She was more honest with her AP, during the affair, than me!

But, like another poster pointed out, he didn't really know her. They just fucked and lived in la-la land where nobody shits.

I had to deal with her depression, her anxiety, the mood swings, her anger over her FOO, her stepmother, her stepsisters, her fears about her sister's children being mistreated, her anger over the house, her being pissed off when I couldn't get home from work in the evening because I was stuck in traffic backups that were many miles long and all I could do was sit on the bus sweating and stinking with everyone else, her money fears, and her affair behaviors as well.

Yeah, affairs are escapes to fantasy land.

But, the biggest lie was this one she told herself: "My husband, who always makes me coffee before he leaves for his 14 hour commute and workday, who is always home on his 3 days off each week, doesn't care about me or the kids".

That lie made cheating easier.

Mine lied about everything - really. The ones that stand out now are:

1. After d-day 1 about 10 months into their underground false-A, I was looking for work out of state and planned to move away so he would be single "soon" (truth: I talked about looking for work out of state but WH was asking me NOT to).

2. We were not having sex at all during their A (I wish! Instead we were on the 2-3 times per week normal schedule and honestly sometimes more).

3. We had "nothing" in common and never had. He admits now that the "nothing" in his mind was that we did not have the same job and therefore could not talk shop like he and AP could as co-workers in a very weird field. We had the same things in common we always did, aside from his secret AP-life.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:32 PM, Monday, March 4th]