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I am a BS in about 18 months of R. I’ e been wondering lately why anyone should reconcile after a devastating betrayal. What’s the point? What’s the end game? What’s the purpose and benefit ? Is there really such a thing as happily reconciled marriage after so much damage has been done?
For those of you who decided to reconcile, why did you do it? And are you happy with the decision?
For me, I decided to R because I did love my WH and wanted to keep my family intact. And I got carried away with the idea that our marriage 2.0 can be even better. But as I journey on reconciliation I am tormented by the memories of them together. The intimate times they shared. The emotional connection they had. And how my WH could not let the AP go. I also started wondering if he’s cheated before and I just didn’t know! I mean he hid this affair fairly well so who is to say this was his first time? And what if he’s still holding onto the memories and love for the AP. And so on and so forth. So many questions that refuse to leave me alone.

For me it was to try to keep my kids from growing up in a broken home. I'm not sure if that was the right thing or not. It is certainly a Rollercoaster of emotions. I wish I had the answers but I don't I guess everyone has to decide if the marriage is worth the struggle. If you get it figured out let me know. I'm starting betrayal trauma therapy next week so we'll see.

For me, marriage has always been about more than fidelity and one love. It’s about a shared goal, raising a family, companionship, shared finances, etc. Yes, sexual fidelity is also expected but it wasn’t the end all. I wasn’t willing to give up all the other aspects of marriage that were always there simply because he had some messed up problem. I always knew his cheating was all about him and nothing about me or our marriage, or even what he thought about either me or the marriage. It also helped that he dropped her easily and instantly and got therapy. I like to say he "unfuxxed" himself as he was a compete f up for too long. This wasn’t easy and it was painful, but I couldn’t have the marriage I personally wanted with another man. Had it been a new marriage and no kids I’d likely had chosen differently, but my marriage offered too much I wasn’t willing to part with. Comes down to what’s most important to you. Soulmate type love has never been on my list of needs nor am I sure it exists. I do love my husband, but he is just one of many important relationships in my life. He has never and will never be the end all. 🤷‍♀️

Answering with my bs hat.

I think the reasons change as the seasons do.

Upon catching him, I immediately threw him out. He lives in our camper while we had a cooling off stage. Yes, I know I cheated, and to some that will seem hypocritical. But by the time I knew about it we were 3 years into our reconciliation. His affair was longer and more complex than mine- most notably that I knew the AP and interacted with her all the time, and that it was largely conducted in our house. He had given me a new wedding ring and said I had earned it. Upon discovery I threw it at him because it was nothing but a symbol of his guilt.

Anyway, I described all that because I don’t talk about his betrayal that much and I think for some it’s hard to know the weight of that when they know you did the same thing.

At any rate, our marriage was a dumpster fire and for a long time I asked why continue to bother? Our kids were grown, we didn’t need each other financially, we didn’t have any of the barriers that many people here have. Of course I didn’t want to complicate my adult children’s lives either.

At first I think I wanted to because I had put so much into our already ongoing reconciliation. And I think second to that, I did not really want to go out and date again. That felt like a bigger risk than staying with the problems I already knew. Not great romantic reasons but I was angry and disillusioned, and sometimes the first reasons are not the lasting ones.

For me, it did evolve into being able to feel my softness towards him again. And for him to go through therapy and do the work to keep a marriage I had already destroyed spoke a lot to me.

I think we have arrived into the new marriage phase in the last year, maybe year and a half. We are almost 7 years out from my affair and 4 from his.

I trust him as much as I will anyone. We fit in a way that would be hard to replicate, and despite the difficulties we have needlessly faced, there were a lot of really great memories that we had during that time that I might not have known I would miss but so thankful that I didn’t. Spending time as a family, or if it’s just he and I watching TV on A Wednesday night, I don’t regret choosing to keep going.

We just like each other, always have. I don’t know if I would have fought for it after everything if we didn’t have that underlying basis. And, I trusted him in a lot of categories outside of sexual fidelity. I knew we get along, I knew who we can be when things are good. I think for some, they didn’t have that basis prior to the affair and I am not sure I would have chosen it if we had always had a bad or hard relationship. We had 20+ years of a good one prior to all this. It was hard enough to do that with a picture of what we can be, if we never were good, no way.

The most important thing I learned maybe is this:

Regardless of how we got here I do perceive our marriage to be better, but the amount of investment I have done in my healing honestly makes EVERYTHING in my life better. Why? Because the way I perceive the world now is more positive in general. The way I approach things is with confidence and optimism. I am honestly not sure if our marriage IS better, but I AM, and it allows me to appreciate it and cherish it in a level that I couldn’t before. I am responsible for my own happiness and I have my own back no matter what the future brings.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:59 PM, Wednesday, March 13th]

The real reasons I wanted to reconcile:

I was eat up with the thought that we were meant to be. True story: The first time my H laid eyes on me, he told his friend that he was going to marry me someday. (Not bang me. Marry me. Kind of an odd thing for a high school boy to say.) He maintains to this day that he had a dream about me before he met me.

We had been doing MC for several months before he confessed. I saw the progress in him, and I felt big progress in me. I knew that we could do it. Also, he confessed. I didn't catch him at anything. That was a big factor. I knew he had it in him to R well. (I was right - he did.)

I was scared AF about finances.

I didn't want my kids to be a product of divorce, like I was. My parents D'ed when I was too young to remember them together.

I didn't want the AP to win. (I told you I was gonna be real.)

I didn't want my kids anywhere near the AP.

I didn't want to lose my extended family.

I feel like the universe threw us together on the night that we decided to R. Another meant to be moment.

He was patient when I grilled the hell out of him, and answered truthfully, even when it was hard for him and painful for me.

We had a year of hysterical bonding amplified by emotional awakening. It was glorious.

Those first couple of years were hard, don't get me wrong, and I got on the crazy train often when my emotions got out of control, but I never wavered in wanting to R. As far as I know, he didn't either.

We're almost 20 years out. We're best friends, we love each other, and we genuinely like each other. I will say that sex has always been a major issue for us, and it still is, but everything else is top notch.

I wonder, too, if I had the truth from him all along. I sometimes wonder if he had contact with her that he didn't tell me about. I think everything was on the up and up, but every BS knows that we can never know for sure. We question everything and we probably always will.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:58 PM, Thursday, March 14th]

This is a great thread and really helpful for me to read. I often wonder why anyone stays after a huge betrayal but again until you’ve lived it you just don’t know what you would do. I am two years from first dday and found out more six months ago. I wouldn’t say more information set me completely back but it’s certainly made healing slower. The information was about past indiscretions and not reconnecting with AP.
My reasons for staying at this point are I want a partner in life and hate the idea of dating. I wonder if I would be better off with someone else but at this point in my life that seems unlikely. If I was in my twenties, thirties or even early forties I think I would feel differently.
That brings me into another reason is finances. I make a fairly large salary but cutting our assets would be painful. I had planned on retiring mid fifties and that’s out the window if we divorce. So I certainly would not be destitute but it would affect my quality of life.
Divorce would cause substantial emotional issues with my college age child. She cherishes her intact family. She is very prone to anxiety. Again another huge stressor for me that will be a product of divorce.
Lastly he is being a good partner at this time. Full transparency, no blaming and he is working on himself.
I feel pretty shitty about our marriage and history quite honestly. I thought our marriage was good and that he adored me. He had total cake eating affairs with no "love" for these women but It’s still a bitter pill to swallow. I’m still kind of choking on it to be honest.
I really do not love him romantically in any way. We do have a good sex life but I’ve always enjoyed sex and don’t have to feel romantic toward someone. However I do miss that aspect of the connection and I hope it comes back.
If I was younger with no children or really wealthy in complete honesty I don’t think I would be trying to reconcile. But each of us is faced with real life and making what we have been dealt in life work as well as it can towards fulfillment. I hope I will get there. I am still in a lot of pain and still think about leaving at times but I think that is normal at the stage I am at. I do wonder if some personalities just really struggle to get to that marriage 2.0 being satisfactory. I think I am too early on to know yet for myself.

The whole better/marriage 2.0 is not true. Don’t believe those books about how a husbands affair saved a marriage, that may be true for that author (or, she’s trying to make money off vulnerable people) but vast majority that’s not what true R is. It will never be better, just different.

I suggest strongly don’t R for what anyone else does. I have my own reasons for R, love of my WW isn’t it. I am willing to try and allow love to come back, but I am in R for more practical reasons. To me, personally it’s worth the effort. That is just me and my story, doesn’t mean it applies to you at all. Some D and find someone else and have fantastic experience starting over with someone else. Others D, only to find themselves back here, but so do many who chose to R. Some D and are perfectly happy being on their own, maybe having casual relationships, but never go back to a full one on one again. And we don’t hear from them a lot, but of course some D and end up more miserable than ever before. There’s nothing guaranteed at all.

What I seem to find from having read 1000s of stories/arricles/blogs etc, if a BS chooses R, have realistic expectations. They may have another Affair. They may never change. The marriage/relationship can be good even great again, but it will never be better or how it was. Take control of your life, have your exit plan locked down, talk to lawyers, and have one or two in your back pocket. Then if you continue to chose R, your eyes are open and you can control what happens if you change your mind for whatever reason.

why anyone should reconcile after a devastating betrayal

This is a good question, and one I think my circumstances have given me a more niche perspective to be able to answer.

When I first offered reconciliation, there were a multitude of factors that went into the decision. Having my kids 100% of the time. Worries about her poisoning then against me (valid - she grew up experiencing it herself), feelings of control, self-doubt, financial worries... and those are just the top ones.

Ultimately though? I wanted reconciliation because I still loved her. I still do. And I miss her. Too much sometimes.

I don't think that if she was still alive I'd be able to admit that to myself, though.

Was I prepared for all that it entailed? Hell no. Was I in the right state of mind? Heh. Was what we went through in the following years even worthy of being called reconciliation? I... honestly don't know.

There was a new form to our marriage. Some parts were better. Some were worse. There were happy times. Even happy times that weren't overshadowed by the affair.

Was it worth it? I would say it definitely was. Especially for our kids. They got that much more time with their mom before she passed.

Losing her is also a second kick in the balls.

As far as the things she shared or did with her aps? I don't care about them at all now. Not that I would tolerate it in a new relationship, but that the things they got from her are pathetic in value compared to what our family did.

Then again, looking back, me and the kids were also lucky in that she genuinely tried in her reconciliation efforts and didn't cheat again. We would have divorced and then had to deal with all the hoopla that came with the fallout of her passing... so silver lining there, I guess.

Each of us have our own journeys through this. We have different levels of bullshittery that we can tolerate, and different desires for what we want to see from a marriage.

Hell, she could have died secretly regretting that we were still married and I wouldn't know.

I do know that I can't change the past and that I'm glad I had the time I did with her.

Your husband's actions and what you can tolerate or what you desire are probably different than mine. I hope that you can still gather some kinda wisdom from my experience, regardless.

I am a BS and around 6 months from D-Day. I am choosing to stay and try to R.

Why? The reasons seem to change but are all valid in my head.

1. I have been divorced before and had to share custody of my son. I didn’t want to do this to another child and I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing my little one everyday. It was honestly the most painful part of my first divorce.

2. I discovered I still love him so much. At first I thought it was my easy way out of an unhappy(ish) marriage but then I just couldn’t go through with it. The thought of losing him made me sadder than the A did.

3. I had never before the A seen such emotion come from my Wh. When it all first blew up he was a blubbering mess, like full meltdown. He begged and begged me to stay. This is a man I had seen maybe one or two tears fall down his cheeks in the 12 years we have been together. I know some people can be good actors but he is not. Good at lying yes - not at acting.

4. He is really trying to fix himself so he can be a safer more loving husband. He has done counselling and has now discovered the poor personality traits he has that made him say yes to the A in the first place and is showing me actions to prove he is trying to change these negatives.

I honestly believe my WH has a lot of issues that stem from his upbringing that make him selfish and feel that he should put his needs before anyone else. His whole family is like that. But he also has a very giving side as well. And he is a wonderful husband in many aspects.

There were so many wonderful things within our marriage that I loved but at some stage we both stopped trying and it was starting to come undone. I avoided our issues by avoiding him and hanging out with friends and doing a lot of running and unfortunately he avoided our problems by having an affair. His choice was definitely a very very very poor one but I’m choosing to forgive him if he keeps putting in the work and I can see a happy future together. 🤞🏻

Is life better with or without him (or her?)

If with, stay.
If not, bail.

Are you willing to gamble your future will be cheater free?

If not, bail.

Old timer here. Been fully Rd for more than a decade.
I chose R almost immediately for some pretty obvious reasons. My kids were still young, he had lost his job, I would have had to pay CS and possibly SS at that point. We had been together since we were kids (I was 15 when we started our relationship) so I bought into the "meant to be".

Also it was obvious there was something very wrong with H when he started the A. It progressively worsened throughout it. He was horribly mean to me during that time. His internal conflict weighed on him. He was willing to R. He made immediate NC, he answered every question I had honestly. Although he stumbled a few times right off the starting blocks, he did finally fully remove his head from his tush when I kicked him out.

We did rebuild better and stronger. We are now empty nesters with a Grand. We are comfortable with each other. We healed ourselves and our M. We held each other accountable and helped each other to heal the brokenness in ourselves.

Yes it's a very rough few years but we did the work and came out the other side better.

Hi,

Good question. For me, it was for me and my daughter. And perhaps my fWW. It's taken a lot of pain, reflection & work to get to where we are, with more to do. I've been divorced before and wished to spare my daughter the pain my two sons went through. I'm a great father (fWW words) which is part of why she chose me as her husbando.

I was away too much of my sons' lives and will never get that back, which is why second time around I had to make every effort to ensure I could walk away knowing I had done my all for my daughter's sake. I also knew at my core that my fWW deserved equality, what she chose was devastating for us and she now deeply regrets her actions.

We get to grow, create a new/different marriage and hand our daughter a positive example of what its like to work at marriage, to compromise, to work on oneself and remain a family. I could have walked away but then I'd be handing more intergenerational trauma to my daughter.

Others in the UK on here state they lose 50% of their earnings, I've been there before and its taken 20 years to recover and I didn't want to struggle to afford the lifestyle I currently enjoy, worked tirelessly to create and have it taken from me. Plus being a weekend dad sucks and I would be living in a different country, which would limit in contact time.

My advice is that if it's not a dealbreaker and you see the work being done you can stay, observe and always keep the option to go open.

Be well
Salty

For those of you who decided to reconcile, why did you do it?

My initial discussion about R to my H was because I didn't want the adultery co-conspirator to walk in and take up MY role in OUR life that we had worked and sacrificed so hard to get to at that point. I told him I didn't love him anymore...but I was willing to stay married IF he met every one of the ultimatums I gave him. He told me he would do whatever I wanted as long as I allowed him to be in my life . This was done about an hour after I told him that our marriage was over...so there was still some shock value in all of this at this point in time .

What’s the point? What’s the end game? What’s the purpose and benefit ? Is there really such a thing as happily reconciled marriage after so much damage has been done?

ALL of these questions and more went through my mind MULTIPLE times throughout the beginning of R. What helped ME was that my H never waivered. He did the first ultimatum immediately...wrote a NC message to the adultery co-conspirator...and had absolutely NOTHING to do with her after that. He then continued to show me that he was willing to be with me as long as I would allow him in my life...and I was a MONSTER at times...as I am sure most of us on this site understand!

One of the Godsends I had was this site !! I was fortunate to get on here when Deeply Scared was still alive . There were a lot more of the R vets on here who would banter back and forth about their recent...I think they called them G2G? It was get togethers that people on this site would have...they would actually meet each other face to face at each other's houses ! It sounded pretty cool and they seemed to really enjoy each other's company too . Can you imagine...people going through the WORST thing a marriage can endure...and yet being able to overcome it and then being able to meet others who have gone through it and actually having FUN with those same people?! It happened...HERE!!!

It also made for a lot more positive threads in the Reconciliation Forum to help newly Betrayeds who wanted guidance in how to reconcile. It gave me a lot of HOPE when I felt like there was none to have one of these wonderful people kick me back into reality . R is HARD. D is HARD. Life is HARD. We get to CHOOSE which HARD path we want to take . I'm not as eloquent as they were...sorry !

And are you happy with the decision?

ABSOLUTELY !!! I was married twice and cheated on twice. I went for D with my 1st H...and R with my 2nd H. I don't regret either choice . My 1st H was NOT R material. My 2nd H is . It wasn't easy...but nothing worth having very seldom is. It took BOTH of us being ALL IN to make R work. That is the key. If BOTH parties are NOT all in...it doesn't matter how much one person wants R to work...it just won't. That was a hard lesson learned from my 1st M.

The 2nd year of R was worst than the 1st. But around the middle of the 3rd year I felt like I was not thinking about D anymore . It took me about 7 years before I felt healed from the A...but I healed a little bit every day...so every year I got stronger and healthier . I tell you though...being on the OTHER side of infidelity...MAN...it is MAGICAL !!! I LOVE my Mv2.0 !!! Would we have gotten to have THIS M if my H wouldn't have had his A? I don't know. But I DO know that I didn't completely do the work to HEAL from the infidelity from my 1st H. I would not have done that until the infidelity from my 2nd H happened. I AM healed now...and I can honestly say that I AM better than before !

I will NEVER say that my H's A made our M better. His A destroyed our precious M . That contract was voided. We had the CHOICE to end the contract or start a NEW contract from the spot where we left off. I am very HAPPY that we decided to start the new contract ! I can honestly say that THIS M is WAY BETTER now than it ever was. NOW is what COUNTS !!!

The whole better/marriage 2.0 is not true.

Well, it's true for me.

My marriage is 9000% better post-DDay than it was before. Infidelity recovery was the catalyst for change. I carry the trauma, he carries the guilt, but the intimacy that we share now is vastly deeper than it was before. Of course, we both wish that infidelity wasn't part of our history.

I think you'll find many truly R'ed people who say their marriage is happier, richer, deeper than it was before.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:55 PM, Thursday, March 14th]

My marriage is undoubtedly better than pre affair. My husband is a healthier person so our marriage is too. Could we have gotten here without him cheating? I believe we could’ve. Do I think he would’ve gotten healthy on his own? Nope. So🤷‍♀️

It's so reassuring to read this thread. I'll give you my (honest, unfiltered) reasons, which I was worried were the 'wrong' reasons, but I now realise they're completely normal and valid.

1. I had a very strong need to stabilise an already volatile situation, mainly for my daughter and also for me (I had just started a new job and I don't like lots of change).

2. I didn't want someone else to decide my marriage was over for me. I wanted to be in control of that decision.

3. There was no way in this world I was going to hand my husband over to that utter POS, especially when she had no intention of leaving her own marriage.

4. I needed to know everything and for us both to heal before making any kind of long term decision.

5. I didn't want to lose my financial security, home, standard of living etc.

6. Other parts of our marriage are really great. We get on, we share the same values, politics etc., we have great sex, he's my intellectual equal.

7. I have no desire to start again with anyone else, so it's a case of make the best of this relationship or be on my own. I'm happy with being on my own - that's not a problem - but I do like being in a couple. I think, apart from the infidelity, we make a pretty good team.

Love did not come into the equation at all. I don't even know what that means anymore. If feelings of love return , then that's a bonus. What's more important to me in a marriage is respect and a modelling of healthy adult relationships for my daughter. If we can't achieve that, then I'm prepared to walk away, but I wouldn't necessarily walk away for a lack of romantic love.

For me, it took the better part of two years in limbo to realize that (a) my fWW was truly contrite and remorseful, (b) I wasn't co-dependent on her i.e I am able to live without her and be ok, (c) Her A was a one-off thing, (d) She dug deep with her therapist and identified her "why" and how to mitigate her behavioral issues going forward and most importantly (e) I love her and she loves me

That's my story

The whole better/marriage 2.0 is not true. Don’t believe those books about how a husbands affair saved a marriage, that may be true for that author (or, she’s trying to make money off vulnerable people) but vast majority that’s not what true R is. It will never be better, just different.

I understand you are pragmatic and perhaps this seems lofty. But how do you know? You are kind of speaking in absolutes.

There are many people in this forum that would say their marriage is better. The act of reconciling when done correctly is raw, bare, it requires so much commitment and investment.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never peddle cheating as a marriage enhancer.

I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And as I said in my earlier post, I don’t know if it’s better or I am just more healed and have more skills as a human, because that work improved all of my relationships and entire outlook on myself and life.

I personally think that it can have any outcome you are open to, and speaking in absolutes may temper your outcome. But for us, our marriage does feel like a different, better experience. Yes, there are times that are overshadowed by the affairs, but I can say that there are far more instances where our improved communication, our gentler more patient selves, our bigger appreciation, and our overall oneness can be celebrated.

The whole better/marriage 2.0 is not true. Don’t believe those books about how a husbands affair saved a marriage, that may be true for that author (or, she’s trying to make money off vulnerable people) but vast majority that’s not what true R is. It will never be better, just different.

I would say very few are better. To always have the A in the shadows means it's always there in the back of our minds that IT DID HAPPEN whether you R or D. A marriage would have had to have been pretty bad before the A to be better after an A.

I’m not speaking in absolutes, you are a mad hatter, as is SacredSoul, and it’s interesting that both of you are also the ones saying their marriage is now better.

I absolutely respect both of you, and hiking out your personal perspective has shed tons of light on my WWs own affair, many of the things you have discussed has been almost verbatim what she described in own mind before this madness.

But two broke couples have their own version of affairs and then realize they need to fix their own problems, yeah of course you’re right and going to have a much more enhanced relationship.

Those of us on the one side, it’s not the same. Both of you engaged in affairs before you knew your WH cheating or before they did. SacredSoul if im misremembering your time line please feel free to correct me.

Those of us who were betrayed without the mad hat, it’s very different.