SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am amazed to read how deceived people express their partners' cheating with different words through therapy or suggestion.

Describing people caught after years of relationships as soul mates, best friends, etc., trying to make references to their partner's childhood/youth traumas, saying that Om abused them; Portraying adults as unable to take responsibility

I believe these people are unaware of their own trauma.

What is marriage/relationship?

Living as a roommate, controlling your partner, with the help of medication/therapy, struggling with triggers?

Are children happier!!

Those who use their partner's childhood traumas as an excuse need to realize that they are inflicting the same traumas on their own children.

I can't say you should divorce/break up, this is your life, but advocating staying in a relationship like what I wrote above is meaningless.

r success rates, love, happiness, health,trust,traumas etc. does not contain.

It is not right to call staying with a cheating partner a success.

I think you are missing the point of what a lot of us in R are trying to say will make a successful R. Taking accountability from the WS is absolutely critical. Them admitting He/She didn’t seduce me, I wanted it, I was just as culpable in the A is a significant part of R. Sure we can pile on the nuance of FOO or whatever other issue that happened to help understand the why, but no one here ever has said that excuses accountability.

Boundaries are not controlling your partner. It’s healthy for someone to say "this is what i expect from now on in this relationship, you are free to make any choice you want, but if you do these things I can’t continue to stay with you l". That isn’t control at all. In fact I’d argue that’s the opposite, and everyone has the right to stand by their boundaries regardless of infidelity or not. Again, post infidelity, boundaries change, and it is
about the WS taking accountability, because clearly their actions lead to an Affair. If they don’t change those actions (which requires the WS to accept that their actions were wrong), then R isn’t going to work anyway.

Never, have I seen on this forum anyone ever insist that someone should stay. I’ve seen many advocate leaving, divorce etc. especially when WS isn’t doing anything or is continuing to cheat. I’ve only seen people offer advice, support, and outside perspective about what makes R even possible.

Those who have gone through the fire and consider themselves healed and successful in recovery after infidelity have never told anyone else that they must R. I’d actually say I’ve seen more of them say to end the relationship.

I wonder if you are trying to be provocative.

Those who use their partner's childhood traumas as an excuse need to realize that they are inflicting the same traumas on their own children.

The hell I am. My husband was beaten by his alcoholic father, which changed his brain. I'm from a family that sweeps every negative thing under the rug and thinks it's tacky to talk about it. Me reconciling with H after he told me the truth, owned his shit, and worked hard to change, then telling our children the age-appropriate truth about what happened is in no way the same as what either of us experienced as children. He's better than the abuse that was heaped upon him. He never struck his children. I'm better than the dysfunction of my FOO. We're doing our part to stop the cycle, and we're quite proud.

I'm happy in my marriage with my best friend. He wasn't my best friend when he was cheating on me. He became my best friend when he told me the truth, worked hard to make amends to me, and still tries his best to be worthy of the grace that I extended to him by offering R.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:42 PM, Tuesday, April 16th]

Those who use their partner's childhood traumas as an excuse need to realize that they are inflicting the same traumas on their own children.

There can be differences between 'excuse' and 'reason'.

I can't say you should divorce/break up, this is your life, but advocating staying in a relationship like what I wrote above is meaningless.

That looks like you're implying people just split without D. Or, you're implying that people should D instead of staying. What do you mean?

Also, who advocates staying?

It is not right to call staying with a cheating partner a success.

In some cases staying is not success. In some cases it is. The thing is, we know nothing about the inner workings of any relationship but our own, and even that's questionable. That implies not thinking we know better than another person about their lives.

How do other people's choices affect you? What's the judgment coming from? Are you facing a particular crisis at this point?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:36 PM, Tuesday, April 16th]

Seandsun I read this and felt like there have been times where I could’ve been the one to have written it. While I’m inclined to agree with HINHF’s response in general, I see and hear the cathartic feeling that comes with just leaning into the matter of fact right and wrong of infidelity. Allowing yourself to be blunt, and quite frankly negative, from time to time is a good reminder of the undeserved consequences that comes with the fallout of an affair. My hope would be that you can use that anger righteously and constructively to better your own situation, whether or not R is in the cards. Don’t get stuck in it, it’s easy to do and you deserve better. Hang in there!