SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I'm new here. Last year in March 2023, I found out that my husband had been frequenting massage parlors and engaging in other activities. This discovery was just the beginning of a series of revelations. Six years ago, we separated (physically but were attempting reconciliation and were not over) because I caught him sexting and communicating with other women. The final straw was when I found out he solicited a prostitute, prompting me to move out. After a year apart, we reconciled after he made some changes.

During the process of uncovering his other activities, I learned that during our separation, he had a two to three-month-long relationship that he had previously lied about, claiming it was innocent activities like hiking. However, it was much more than that. I have detailed information about this relationship, including conversations and pictures, because I spoke with the woman involved, whom he had lied to about our status.

He is unaware that I know about all the details, and his reaction has been defensive everytime I ask him to discuss. He always says he can't remember and that the relationship meant nothing and he was just using her - that is about as detailed as he gets. Although he's attending counseling, he's considering stopping because of the cost and his belief that he's already improved. He still undermines me and becomes angry whenever I bring up the past affair, insisting it's over and refusing to discuss it further. Despite my repeated requests, he hasn't provided any details about the affair. He continues to omit information and claims he doesn't remember, which I find hard to believe given the significance of the relationship. I feel stuck and hopeless because he refuses to be honest and accountable for his actions. It's been six years since the affair, and as far as I know, he hasn't had any similar incidents since then where there was intimacy or emotional aspects only the acting out sex-addiction stuff. I don't want to end our marriage, but I'm unsure of what steps to take. I feel trapped and wonder how long it will take for him to truly confront his behavior. I suppose I'm just venting, but has anyone else experienced something similar?

I want to move forward and dig in to the healing but he wants to sidestep everything :-(

It’s been 6 years and he hasn’t changed. At all. He has gotten better at hiding things, but nothing has changed.

He went to a prostitute

You separated and he had a relationship, and has lied to both of you about it.

He is going back to old ways and is getting "massages". 6 years later.

If he wanted to change he would. If he wanted to be honest, become a man of character and a safe partner he would. He has shown you nothing to indicate he gives a rats ass.

I’m sorry, in my opinion, he isn’t even close to being worthy of R and the grace and kindness you have shown him. He probably never will. This is who he is, not who you think or want him to be. He is a cakeater and cares way more about his "needs" then the marriage or you.

In my opinion, you can expect more ddays to come no matter what you do. Almost a decade later and he hasn’t done anything. I wouldn’t bet on that changing. If your son or daughter were experiencing this from their spouse, what would you tell them?

It’s probably not what you want to hear, and I know it hurts. You owe him nothing, now is the time for you to make the best decision for you.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 12:12 AM, Thursday, April 18th]

I feel stuck and hopeless because he refuses to be honest and accountable

You feel stuck and hopeless because you’re trying to control the uncontrollable…your cheating husband.

But you actually completely control the situation here. You can stay or you can go. You are not stuck. You have choices. You are in control.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 11:51 AM, Thursday, April 18th]

CMisME

I am really sorry for your underserved pain. Have you been in therapy? Have you worked on yourself to understand what is keeping you there with a man who clearly is uncapable or unwilling to love you?

Unfortunately as much as you want to keep your family united, a family and a couple is a TEAM EFFORT and even if you do 150% it is not enough. If he is not doing his part, there is no couple and there is no family unity. I understand you, believe me. I am 4 and a half years after DDay but I am going back to my therapist and I have an appointment with a lawyer.

I am wondering if I and our children made the big mistake to forgive him too soon and this is why he gives us for granted.

I know I can divorce him (although I really don't want to) and does he need to hear it to be able to make the necessary changes? My husband has made many changes since Dday, so he has shown me he is capable of changes, but he needs to make one specific change that is not irrelevant, it is a NECESSARY one and I gave him enough time to make his mind up.

Will the idea of losing everything that gives him security and comfort trigger the necessary change or will he just say "Fuc** it!"? Will he go back to his ex AP? If he does, I am SURE it will not last. But yes, I am afraid my decision of speaking about D could push him into his ex AP's arms. This is why I am hesitant, the POS FB is divorced and available, but that is also my weakness.

What is your weakness your husband knows about? Think about it.

It appears you don’t have much to work with if he refuses to discuss.

Not sure how you will heal when he refuses to help you or support you in any way.

Maybe he’s just not a good person to be married to.

he's considering stopping because of the cost and his belief that he's already improved.

Keep in mind that YOU have the same – if not more – power. We could rephrase that sentiment to:

I’m consider stopping (divorce) because of the emotional cost and my belief that he won’t change.

Your husbands reactions are SO TYPICAL of many wayward spouses that it’s almost stereotypical.
He wants damage-control. He’s doing the minimum to prevent you from demanding change.

It’s up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. Only keep this in mind: If he get’s to minimize there is about a 99% chance that he will go back to some of his old ways. Only now he knows how you found out, and might be more devious. Let’s hope your discovery then won’t be by catching some nasty STD...