SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've already forgiven her and she's promised it'd never happen again, but here we are again. She doesn't know that I know about the one she's in now. It's tearing me apart and I fear the only option at this point is divorce. We have been married for 13 years and have two pre-teen children.
Thoughts/ suggestions on how I have this conversation with her? (I know what you're doing/I want a divorce)
I want to minimize the anger as I don't want it to escalate into a lawyer vs lawyer ordeal that'll last until every penny is spent.

I was thinking of something like "you know I love you and I want you to be happy, but I can't / don't want to compete with AP. I feel like time apart with help you decide what you want / get you past this phase. We can try again in a year or so when you're ready to settle down. Here's what you're entitled to (large sum of money) - enough to get you into a place and get you started until you can settle down. I really see us back together again at some point, but you have to get through this first".

I'm thinking I could take advantage of the delusion she's in right now to soften the idea of divorce? Together with the "possiblity" of getting back together again at some point?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Thank you in advance! This is the best group I've seen and even though I hate having to be here this place is still an oasis.

Don't say anything that gives her the opportunity to plan before you do. If you haven't already, you need to familiarise yourself with the separation and divorce process so you know what's coming and, importantly, how you expect child custody and assets to be split. Once you know that, then tell her. Do not expect fairness or empathy from your other half - once you tell her she may treat you like her worst enemy. Sadly, you have little control over this:

I want to minimize the anger as I don't want it to escalate into a lawyer vs lawyer ordeal that'll last until every penny is spent

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 4:30 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

Talk to a lawyer first!

I agree that you should talk to a lawyer first so you 100% understand the process and outcomes. Knowledge is power and will give you confidence to calmly hold your ground and be very factual. Divorce is a business transaction, so you need to leave emotion out of it.

As for how, do it when the kids are out of the house. Use a neutral tone, that this is not what you wanted but she left you no choice. (You do NOT have to tell her you know about her latest cheating.). Explain the process and timeline you learned from the lawyer, and what your expectations are from her. Tell her you want it to be as non-contentious as possible, and that you want to minimize any anger that would be damaging to the kids. And that you hope you can co-parent together well since you both love the kids.

It’s gonna suck, but having the answers before you talk will help a lot.

Good luck.

I’m sorry but why this proposed response?

We can try again in a year or so when you're ready to settle down. Here's what you're entitled to (large sum of money) - enough to get you into a place and get you started until you can settle down. I really see us back together again at some point, but you have to get through this first

She’s a serial cheater, and, while some here would say that’s immaterial, I think the stats bear out that it’s INCREDIBLY rare for such to truly reform. Why are you assuming she will? The reality is that she almost certainly won’t so you need to steel yourself to that most-probable outcome.

You don’t need to tell her a thing. See a lawyer and initiate D. When she asks why, you simply reply "you know why" and walk away. If 20 legit miracles occur and she proves over YEARS of *actions*, not mere words, that she’s truly remorseful, repentant, and truly safe (don’t hold your breath) you can always consider trying again THEN, but not for a moment before.

Imo, trying so hard to soften the blow to her comes across as weak - and that’s something that will likely only further erode what little respect she may have left for you. I would plead with you to at least put forward a front of strength , confidence, and decisiveness. Her actions prove she doesn’t love you, but a strong approach will at least leave her respecting you - perhaps the first time in a long time.

Sorry you've had to find yourself here, and I can only imagine the pain you're feeling.
She's likely in a serious fog and can't be reasoned with. She is abusing you emotionally. Don't bother with trying to appeal to her. Do all of your communication through an attorney. Have her served once you get one you're comfortable with. Do NOT offer her any money until you've spoken with your attorney.
It looks like you want some kind of explanation, but the simple fact is you likely will never fully understand why she did this. Don't torture yourself trying to understand it. Take care of yourself emotionally. It's ok, even advisable, to put yourself first right now.
Stay strong!

Talk to a lawyer. File for divorce. Hand her the papers. No discussion required.

When she asks why, you tell her that she already knows why.

We can try again in a year or so when you're ready to settle down. Here's what you're entitled to (large sum of money) - enough to get you into a place and get you started until you can settle down. I really see us back together again at some point, but you have to get through this first

Um, no. She's on her 4th affair... that you are aware of. If you still see yourself with this woman, regardless of the fact that she is incapable of being faithful to you, then stay married to her and make peace with the fact that she's going to be in relationships with other men.

But if you're going to file for divorce, then get divorced and move on with your life. Divorce is the end of a relationship; it's not a bargaining tool.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:56 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

My impression is that the OP doesn't want to actually give his WW another chance, but is asking if he should use a soft approach and dangle the possibility of R as a carrot to mitigate potential nastiness from her.

Maxwell

I think you are being too scared of too many what-if factors.
I also think you are imagining some scenario that would need too many things to line up to even have a slight chance of working, and that at possible extreme emotional strain and cost.
Like... You can tell her what she’s entitled to and she might accept it and you might agree to a years separation... But to what avail? A separation isn’t the same as divorce, and a separation agreement is not the same as a divorce decree. She could sign anything right now, and then a year from now take you to court for the final divorce settlement.

Another factor to consider is that you don’t have to give a reason for divorce.
You can tell your wife "I want a divorce" and that’s it. Heck... you can even just file and let her get the news when served. I do think that would be rude and I don’t recommend it, but you do not have to negotiate for permission to divorce.

I would do the following:
Spend some time to get a really good understanding of your finances. If you have any assets then list when they were attained (mainly – any pre-marriage), what were they based on (wages, stocks, inheritance...), what are the debts (same conditions as assets), what is the value of the family home, the family vehicles...
With that info consult with an attorney. That attorney is the ONLY person that can tell you if what you were thinking of offering her is fair, and if your idea of a years separation could legally work. Being prepared by having your financial status pretty clear will save you time and money.
With the information from the attorney... you decide your next steps.
A very small side note: Infidelity can impact spousal support in Florida. Ask the attorney about that (but realistically I doubt it will have any impact whatsoever).

If – after all this – you are still decided to divorce... Just tell her something like: I have decided to file for divorce. I do not think we are compatible moving forward, and am certain I am more likely to find happiness in life without you as my wife".

If your goal is to make the divorce process as smooth as possible by offering her a generous settlement right off the bat— one that exceeds what she’s legally entitled under the law— she might actually view that sum as the starting point of negotiations.

You have no reason to believe that a serial cheater who has acted in bad faith throughout the marriage is going to start dealing with you honestly and conscionably once you announce intent to divorce.

If, as SacredSoul inferred, you want to dangle the possibility of reconciliation in the future as a way to get her to behave reasonably, then I really don’t think you understand her mindset. She sees herself as the prize; she views you (and the other men in her life) as toys she can pick up and cast aside as she feels. For that reason, she will probably be more offended at the idea that you think you can get her back after divorcing her than the idea of you being so brokenhearted that you need to leave.

Just my opinion, anyway.

Here's what you're entitled to (large sum of money) - enough to get you into a place and get you started until you can settle down.

What are you basing this amount on? Do not be offering anything until you understand your legal position.

She may actually surprise you on her reaction. If she has been engaging in As; she is not happy and has work she needs to do within herself. Maybe she is too cowardly to tell you this and is doing this to force you into being the bad guy (falsely).

What I did was arranged for the children to be elsewhere and just said "Look, this is not working and how long do you need to find other living arrangements?" We agreed on a month (he left sooner) and were able to site in the kitchen and amicably divvy the stuff up. I took that document to the attorney's to be 'legalized' and we both signed. So once we actually got to the D paperwork, all that was done. It made it all much smoother.

I would start with offering what you know she is legally entitled too. As OP stated, offering a very generous amount initially sets you up for that to be the baseline.

Don't do that; she is the one in the wrong here.

It confuses me that she'd even *want* to stay married? Isn't that why A's are secret, to keep the marriage going? I'm not naive enough to believe she still loves me, so I'm inclined to think she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
That's why I wonder if the thoughts of "here's some money" and "you're free to do whatever with whoever" would make for an easier D? The intent isn't to offer more than she's entitled to, but rather avoid a lengthy and embarrassing battle in the courts. And no, I have no intent of getting back with her once the D is finalized.
It's certainly hard to rationalize the irrational though. Can't understand why anyone would cheat. She had everything and threw it all away, but I digress..

so I'm inclined to think she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Bingo. And from the wayward point of view both divorce and reconciliation involve taking away her cake.

Like others have advised, don't offer any money until you get all your ducks in a row with an attorney. You could unwittingly be setting yourself up for disaster.

I started to write a novel of my experience, but as you're in Florida as well, I'll just share that this is a no-fault state with a very set formula that is the starting point for custody and asset division. It also requires you go through mediation, which is how you can really save time and money. (Didn't work for me, but "court" is actually judge's chambers and it's very business-like...they aren't interested in the drama-stuff, it's money, property & children.)

Hire a good attorney, do as much of the pre-work as you can of gathering documentation, go through the packet of forms they will give you carefully, and work with them on your initial offer. She will counter, then you can (hopefully) work though the details in mediation and if it's fair and reasonable, the judge will approve and sign. I've had several friends do it that way. (I divorced an attorney, so it wasn't quite that easy or quick )

Honestly, this is all too important and will impact you and your children for years to come. Don't try to "do it yourself" or you will regret it, unfortunately. Most good attorneys are too busy to purposely try and run up bills, so ask around and get some recommendations, get a couple of consultations and prepare your questions ahead of time. The old "pay now or pay later" is so very true.