SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. It's been a while. Now a year and half since dd. I'm still in recovery mode however my WS is trying to move on and put what she is calling a "mental breakdow" behind her.
My problem is. Partly self inflicted.

Quick recap.

1. Caught wife cuddling AP on work do. I felt uncomfortable.
2. Checked texts and saw more going on in background.
3. Spoke about it. WS confirmed it was an emotional affair.
4. Started couples cancelling.
5. Things still didn't feel right. Gut feeling.
6. Put secret Recording device in car. Not my proudest moment.
7. Life ended . Went from emotional affair to physical one.
8. Now recovering. Couple and individual therapy.

Like I say, It's the recording that's now triggering me.
Yes the intimate part really hurts. But that's not the worst.
It's the negative things she said about me and how our marriage.

I just can't shake it.
Has anyone else overheard or read texts that seam to be doing more damage than the act it self.

Thanks for any help or advice in advance.

Hi Coxy, sorry you're here.

I can relate, since I still have triggers from the awful things I've read. My WW had a 6 months EA+PA, and I got access to mostly all of her texts with the AP, took me days to read 6 months worth of exchanges.

Never talked badly about me though, she just mentioned she wanted to leave and that she felt I didn't care for her, etc. What's still very difficult, more than 3 1/2 years after, are the words of passion, desire, and excitement for the other guy. Things she never said to me during the 17 years we were together.

She never wrote him she loved him, and he didn't either, but the words they used and the way they recalled each intimate moment they had made (and still makes) me want to puke. The level of intensity of the relationship they seem to have had is probably what is going to ruin our attempted reconciliation in the end.

What I want to say is that all this will feel less intense with time, I don't think you forget stuff like this, but the memory of it will be less hurtful with time.

[This message edited by iamjack at 1:56 PM, Sunday, June 16th]

Hey, just wanted to say sorry youv are here. Sound like a choice between two terrible options: living a lie and having it eat at you or knowing the truth and having it eat at you. And you should not feel guilty for the VAR. Your WW lied and gaslighted you, removing YOUR agency, forcing you to take steps to regain it. I'm sure there are many things your Ww did that put you in actual harms way, not to mention the lifelong trauma she inflicted.

It never ceases to blow my mind how so many betrayed feel their "sin" of looking at their spouse’s phone or secretly recording is about as bad as adultery itself. There NEVER ought to be any *secrecy* in marriage. Period. Sure, privacy is warranted for time sitting on the toilet, etc., but I just don’t understand where this notion of privacy has been elevated to the highest moral plane within a marriage.

OP, I would ask what consequences your wife has received? And in our day and age, I feel compelled to explain that consequences are the MOST LOVING THING TO DO to help motivate a person to reform, and are in NO WAY "punishment", but instead the natural outcome of one’s choices.

On one hand since affairs are so wrapped up in fantasy the hurtful things she said about you and the marriage were most likely exaggerated to convince herself and to "impress" her AP.
OTOH her words were based in truth or something she believes on some level.
Sort of like telling someone the house burned down but really the toaster set a towel on fire...
Things at home with you were not as bad as she makes out to excuse her affair.

Have you considered EMDR?

I’m sorry you had to join our group and just know we all understand exactly what you are going through.

Your spouse said things but it doesn’t mean she meant them. I know it makes no sense but from the cheater’s perspective, they have to prove to the OM/OW that they don’t love you. That you are a terrible spouse. They only stay with you for the kids.

And then go home and pretend all is good (in some cases) or go home and resent the hell out of their spouse b/c you are standing in their way of their "true love"

My H told me directly to my face that I never loved him and married him for other reasons. I looked at him, laughed, and walked out of the room. I realized at that moment the extent he would go to justify his affair. He would make up a lie and believe it, and then try to pass it off as "truth". Talk about rewriting the marital history - he gets the prize there.

It is terribly painful to be betrayed. It is worse when you hear how the cheater "really feels about you" if in fact it is true or ever was true.

You have to decide if you believe she really felt that way. If you think she did, you then have to decide if that is a dealbreaker and the marriage cannot survive it.

If you think she was lying yo herself yo tell the OM what she needed yo say yo keep the affair going, then you have to accept the fact she says it but didn’t believe it or really think that way.

Think back to times you were angry with her and in your mind you called her a few choice rides or thought how she’s a ________ (fill in the blank). You were angry in the moment but you would never tell her your opinion or thoughts b/c you didn’t really feel that way or you knew it was just anger or frustration that made you feel this way.

She’s not saying things out of anger, but perhaps as a way to keep the AP interested.

It still hurts no matter what. I hope you can get past this. I did.

It's all a big piece of fiction. What does she say now about what she wrote?

Yes. I couldn't get past the disrespect he showed. I'm happily divorced from a disloyal dickhead.

Yep, as long as you swallow the mental breakdown tosh and not she absolutely wanted buddy to hit then you'll be "recovering" for a long long time.

Wow. I can only say thank you all for ur kind and honest words. Given me lots to think about. feeling bit better knowing I'm not the only one in this crappie situation. That that I want other people in this situation.
Thanks

Quick recap.

1. Caught wife cuddling AP on work do. I felt uncomfortable.
2. Checked texts and saw more going on in background.
3. Spoke about it. WS confirmed it was an emotional affair.
4. Started couples cancelling.
5. Things still didn't feel right. Gut feeling.
6. Put secret Recording device in car. Not my proudest moment.
7. Life ended . Went from emotional affair to physical one.
8. Now recovering. Couple and individual therapy.

You know, I sort of felt the same that secret recording wasn't a proud moment. But the problem is you were dealing with a liar and your enemy in an informational war for your physical and emotional health. This isn't any time for being a little squeamish as it relates to ensuring your proven liar of a wife isn't still lying to you. You did the right thing and got the confirmation you needed.

Not a lot of detail in your post, but what books did you read/apply? Is your couples counselor any good? Do they buy into unmet needs and blameshifting?

In another post you said you wrote her a letter but didn't give it to her. Have you given her that letter yet? Does she still work with AP? I sat on a letter like that for a few months, then handed it to her when I asked for a divorce (we are now R'd). Very similar situation to yours overall.

I don't mean to try to give a definitive label your situation, but it reads like limbo to me.

Just to clarify, when you confronted, she admitted to an EA. While in counseling to repair that damage, you stuck a VAR in her car because your gut said that her story wasn't adding up. From that VAR you found out it was a full-blown PA.

Was that because she was still talking to, and quite frankly cheating with, her AP while purportedly in R or did she mention it while talking to a friend? If it was the AP, you aren't ever going to get past this. You gave her grace and was working with her to repair the damage of her "EA". While doing so, she instead of doing the work to fix the damage was continuing on with her affair and pretending to R.

This wasn't self-inflicted. She forced you into finding out in the worst possible way by not coming fully clean. If you hadn't done so she would still be cheating wouldn't she. If she ever stopped.

[This message edited by grubs at 6:41 PM, Monday, June 17th]

Answering a few questions and advice.
1. Yes. WS was still working with the AP after the 1st dd while we started our R. She begged not to change jobs or wards at work because she loves her job.
2. WS still works in the area of the OM however not directly with him anymore. Every time I think about that I feel completely stupid.
3. I read her the letter in the end in a CC session because I wanted to see her response. It did put my mind at ease after reading it.
4. The CC wasn't very good I think co.e the end. Kept going over older childhood issues. Felt like dragging up the old past alot of the time.

Answering a few questions and advice.
1. Yes. WS was still working with the AP after the 1st dd while we started our R. She begged not to change jobs or wards at work because she loves her job.
2. WS still works in the area of the OM however not directly with him anymore. Every time I think about that I feel completely stupid.
3. I read her the letter in the end in a CC session because I wanted to see her response. It did put my mind at ease after reading it.
4. The CC wasn't very good I think co.e the end. Kept going over older childhood issues. Felt like dragging up the old past alot of the time.

Sorry you're going thru this. It is tough.

Just keep in mind a lot of times people act and exaggerate while in the affair. It is fantasy world. That is my impression based on my experience...

Coxy,

You wrote, WS still works in the area of the OM however not directly with him anymore. Every time I think about that I feel completely stupid.

WOW!

Affairs are addictive working in the area of the OM is like an alcoholic going to a bar for pretzels and coke.

Was the OM in a management position over your WW and can you get him fired or press a lawsuit against the company.

Was the OM exposed widely, WIFE or SO, parents, children, siblings, etc etc.

Did you confront the OM?

Do I understand they still work for the same company or organization?

I noticed that you mention that you attend Couples Counselling, but don't seem to see any reference to Individual Counselling.

As a general rule, IC is recommended before any CC is done.

At the moment, your M is dead, and any amount of counselling (especially with a WS that is not being 100% transparent and still has some form of contact with her AP) will not work.

Both you and your WS need to 'sort' yourselves out first, and then go for CC on a stronger mental and emotional baseline.

BTW, the very fact that your WS values her job over the M, gives an indication on what her thought process is like. It is self-preservation first (a 'me' approach) rather than being worried about your M (a 'we' approach).

Coxy

There are a number of steps our collective experience indicates should help you both end the affair and improve odds of reconciling. Here are some of them:

1)Is the OM married and does his wife know of the affair. Is/was the OM her supervisor at work and if so, does the HR department know of the affair? Possibly the STRONGEST tool to end affairs is letting stakeholders know. In this instance his wife and his superiors.
What will happen if you told his wife? In probably 9 out of 10 instances the OM will focus on saving his marriage, putting as much distance between himself and your wife.
What will happen if you tell HR? In 8 out of 10 the manager gets a stern warning, along with assurance that there is distance between the two. If they aren’t happy with him anyways he might get fired. Your wife? Assuming he is a superior – Nothing.... Firing her would open up to a plethora of wrongful dismissal cases.

2)Has your wife gone to IC? I don’t think so, but you two are in couples counselling... That’s like putting a cast on both the right and left foot if the left one is broken. Your marriage didn’t cheat – SHE did.

3)Her job... I can promise you 99% guaranteed that as long as they work at the same place you won’t be fine. Even if there is no affair. Next company picnic, dinner, event... If she goes you will be having a break-down at home. If you go, you will be looking for OM all the time. I get it she loves her job, but she has to prioritize...

Hi everyone.
Thanks again for ur honesty and sound advice.
@ survrus,bigger and RocketRaccoon.

Yes we have both been attending IC and CC at the same time. I'm still doing my IC. W IC is complete. Our CC has come to an end as we found its not helping anymore.

To add salt to the wond. The OM is 10 years younger than us. We're both early 40s. He's not married. No GF. W is a nurse. OM is a porter. Work at hospital.

I've never confronted the OM. Baldy wanted to after DD. But was advised not to by our CC. I still want to. Plus I k know ware he lives now.

My WIfe dose say she will be leaving soon. But so far nothing.

At the moment, your M is dead, and any amount of counselling (especially with a WS that is not being 100% transparent and still has some form of contact with her AP) will not work.

sadly I believe this is becoming true.