SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Four weeks on from D Day and struggling with what to do…..

I’ve been with my partner (now husband) almost 16 years and we have a lovely life including a child together. However four weeks ago I found out he was cheating. A text came through on his phone which made me suspicious so I went through everything.

Eventually, hidden behind an encrypted device I found pictures and videos proving he had cheated.

We started seeing each other in 2009. Firstly he has had threesomes with another couple of friends on a few occasions 2010,11 and 12. This was a scenario which began when he was with his previous wife in 2007. Secondly it transpires he also had a few occasions having reciprocal oral sex with a male friend he had been FWB since the 90s, which continued three times when we were together, (2013,2015,the most recently being 2018).

We have seperated while I try to find the best path forward, he is mortified and remorseful and trying everything to give the relationship another go. He says that the three threesomes were when we were in a less committed place, and the oral sex with a friend was just a habit he had gotten into. They were all done when drunk and he has cut contact with the parties involved. However they were repeated infidelities not ONS so he at least put himself in those situations if not setting them up directly.

He says he hasn’t cheated since January 2018 and as we have gone on to get engaged etc and have a child he has been fully committed. I have been through his texts and even seen occasions where he has turned people down. I do believe nothing has happened in 6 years and I do believe he has changed. I do believe he loves me. I do believe he is mortified by his past actions. However I have been a faithful partner and just think this is all too much to move through.

Having physically seen the pictures and videos, even though some are 15 years old has shook me to the core. I don’t think it’s overstating it to suspect PTSD at my end (can’t sleep, feel sick all day etc.)

We are in individual and couples counselling. Part of me wants to run for the hills and enjoy my freedom. He’s disrespected me and degraded me with his lies and actions. But I do love him and our life together. And he hasn’t had a "love" affair- it was all just no strings sex, and he has now been faithful for 6.5 years. Can people change?

Any advice/ hand holds welcome x

{{Hugs}}

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. First, there are some pinned posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that we encourage newbies to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are really helpful in there, too. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you're having trouble eating, try to do some protein shakes to help you keep your energy. If you're having trouble with anxiety, depression, sleeping, see your doctor and ask for some meds to help get you through this initial phase.

I'm glad you're in IC (Individual Counseling). Infidelity can cause PTSD, C-PSTD and there's another acronym PISD for post-infidelity stress disorder (not in the DSM, but does have a cluster of symptoms). Generally, we recommend waiting for CC (couples counseling) until after you've had a chance to heal and at least not be reeling from the discovery. The M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. Lots of CC counselors will shift some of the blame to you, so be sure to watch for that. The cheating is 100% on him.

If it's too much for you to wade through, then it's fine. For some people, infidelity is a dealbreaker.

People can change, but it is a lot of hard work. Usually, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Not saying it can't be done, but it's tough.

For your sake, I hope he digs deep and does figure out his whys and becomes a safe partner.

Hey overgrown - you got great advice.

some other things:
Get STD tested and so should he. don’t have unprotected sex without seeing his results.
See a lawyer or three just to see what D would look like. Knowledge is power, so understanding what it might look like will help with alleviating fear.
See your doctor if you still can’t eat, sleep. Drink protein shakes, get some exercise daily, and eat healthy food. Drink lots of water- crying is dehydrating.

As for him, besides being mortified, what else has done to really understand why he cheated on you?

And know you will get through this. Hang tough.

Thank you for the lovely replies and great advice, it is really appreciated.

To answer a couple of questions, we are talking lots, he is in therapy, he is actively trying to understand why he took those actions. He is giving me space but also coming over if I need to talk or need help with our toddler.

I think what I struggle with is that I wouldn’t have married or had a child with him if I’d known the truth I would have been gone, so I feel like my life is a bit of a lie I’ve been tricked into. All the happy memories I look back at I can only now think, oh he cheated around then.

On the flip side he hasn’t done anything in years, since we were engaged or married. These sexual partners were ones from his past who he has seen less and less frequently before stopping completely. I do believe he’s faithful now, but think it might be too little too late?!

I wish someone could just tell me what to do, but I know only I can decide!

For one – we on this site might disagree on a lot but there are some things we seem all to be in consensus with. One of them is that infidelity is NEVER the fault or caused by the betrayed spouse or the relationship. It’s always a fault based on a decision by the wayward spouse. So please don’t fall into two common traps:
Thinking that there was something missing from what you and/or the relationship offered. You did not cause him to cheat. It’s all him.
That this is a "mistake" or only happened. This is a conscious decision he made. If we were to believe all the wayward spouses then they were all "drunk", a "mistake" or only once and all that. This was all a conscious and deliberate decision.

Neither of the above will make reconciling impossible. In fact – IF you two were to reconcile it needs to be from a very strong platform of truth and honesty.

I want to point out a couple of things that jumped out to me:
For one: the hidden pics are like memento’s. Why was he keeping them? If he is so ashamed, so determined to never repeat it... why keep the evidence of his actions?
It’s a bit like if an alcoholic decides to be sober then one of the recommendations is to remove all alcohol from the home. If that alcoholic decide that he might keep that bottle of 20-year single-malt whiskey, even if he has no intention of ever again drink from the bottle – it’s already headed for a relapse. Even if he says he’s only going to look at it, sniff it or whatever. By keeping the pictures... he wasn’t ready to truly end his infidelity. Limit it at best – but not end it.
Last instance was 2018 yet a recent text aroused suspicions? Once again the memento factor... What is he holding onto that causes someone to send a questionable text four years later...

Another concerning factor is the same-sex oral.
Is he gay? Does he define himself as gay or bi?

If not then why?
I take it you are hetro. If you are – and if you are clear on your sexuality – what would it take for you to willingly have sex three times with another woman? What would it take for you to give and reccieve oral from another woman? I think I can truly share that the ONLY way I (a heterosexual man) would receive oral from another man is if my dead corpse was getting cold. It’s not homophobic – my gay brother (and best friend) thinks with disgust about having sex with a woman – it’s just not my "scene".
So what is your husband? How does he define his sexuality?
Those threesomes – what was his role? Was it 2 males and 1 woman or 2 women and him? If the former, was he into stimulating the man or the woman?
I have heard stories about men deprived of female company becoming "prison gay" and somehow that "doesn’t count"...
Was your husband sexually deprived at the times he "accidentally" met his friend to get mutually drunk and then suck each other off by mistake?
Sorry for being so direct, but you need to address this for the seriousness it is. If he mainly identifies as gay... your marriage doesn’t really have a chance.

If he identifies as bi... Well... part of the sacrifice of marriage is the denial of sexual gratification outside of what the partners agree on. My wife is blond yet I also like redheads and burnets. But they (as well as all other women) are off my list because my marriage has an expectation of fidelity.

How many texts and messages have YOU gotten over the last 10 years questioning your availability that you have had to turn down? Why is he getting them and not you? Or I for that matter? Maybe because "normal" people like you and I aren’t sending the wrong signals FROM us.

I’m not going to tell you if you should divorce or not. That’s totally your call. Only keep a couple of things in mind:
He needs to identify as straight or bi. If bi he needs to accept that that part of his sexual world will never be rocked again.
He needs to stop sending the signals that this part of his world is still open.

You two – both individually and as a couple need to seriously contemplate the future you want. If done openly and honestly then chances are you can decide to part as friends and be the best ever coparents to your child. He can go and threesome around and meet his friend Dave or whatever and you can go on living your life.
Or you can decide that you two want this marriage and are both willing to adhere to expectations that are clear and enforceable.

To me that decision mainly hinges on his sexuality.

Thanks Bigger for the reply, I really appreciate it! To answer a few of your questions:

The hidden pics were part of a massive folder of porn, but I could see by looking at the properties he hadn’t accessed them in years. He said he didn’t think he had it any more

I am bi, but as you say, faithful- if I’m with a man I’m only with a man. He would describe himself as bicurious which I’ve always known, but didn’t know he had acted on it. In the previous threesome it was a MMF, but he didn’t touch the man, it was both of them doing things to the woman

The text message which was suspicious was his mate "Dave" as you called him :) asking for a repeat of previous events which he has turned down. A search of his phone shows that Dave had made a couple of infrequent advances since 2018 which were rebuffed.

Ive had a few offers over the years, which were very flattering but have never acted on them.

I think your last question was, was he sexually deprived and I can safely say no, he was definitely not, we had (I thought) a varied sex life, doing all the things you would expect, on average 2/3 times a week. He claims he didn’t see the oral as cheating, more like a posh wank as him and his friend had been "helping each other out" on and off for 25 years.

It’s fucked up I know; i barely believe I am writing this out sometimes I almost want to laugh even though it is notttttttt funny.

He says he hasn’t cheated since January 2018 and as we have gone on to get engaged etc and have a child he has been fully committed.

So he cheated repeatedly over the first 9 years of your relationship, then stopped? One of his sexual partners long predates your relationship, and continued for over 18 years off and on. That is a lot of time and at least several partners that you know of. That is a lot of concealing and obfuscating.

I agree with all the points made by prior posters, only have one thing to add.

This was all hidden from you. Rarely do we get the full truth at first, usually there is a huge body of "stuff" under what we discover. My FWS cheated with one AP 9 years into our marriage, after 4 children.

When she really started talking, there was so much that came to light that you would just have to sit there and say "wow, that's quite a story".

But, it took her over 9 years to come clean. She had lied to me literally thousands of times since meeting me, many of those about the years before she met me, but a lot afterward as well. I had never lied to her, not once. I now know who I married, but it took 4 years of MC and several more years of IC to get there.

Don't think that you have the whole story just yet, you might, but you likely don't.

Hi StandingHere thank you so much for your thoughts, I really do appreciate it.

Yes I think that’s going to be a big barrier for us to stay together- as you say he cheated sporadically for the first big chunk of our relationship. Yes the number of occasions dwindled over time, but I think even once is too much. All the happy memories are stained as now I look at holidays or nights out and think oh yes but he did that a month/a year later. It’s utterly miserable and if I’d found out back in 2018 or earlier I would have been gone (no marriage or baby to think of). So it’s almost like he is rewarded for being a good liar.

I am under no illusions there might be something else. I’ve decimated his phone, laptop, internet history and old USBs/phones etc and found nothing, but I know how good he was at lying now, so I wouldn’t be surprised for a second if something else came up. We’ve had hours of conversation a day since finding out and his story has been consistent but I just do not trust him any more. That’s something he wants to build back over time, but I think there’s been too many lies?

It’s a real mess, and for someone who thought she was in a 16 year committed relationship it’s a punch in the gut. That’s why I’m not sleeping any more, I get a few hours then I wake up, remember and it hits me like a punch oh yes he did that it’s truly miserable; and such a waste for so little gratification.

Four weeks on from D Day and struggling with what to do…..

All of us BS's have been there, and the first few months is pure hell. It does get better, if you work on it, but I would never ever go through that again.

Four weeks is so close you can't even be thinking clearly, I don't think I slept for two or three days afterwards, except when I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open and then I would wake up almost immediately. Seek out medical help if you need it.

This is not a judgement about sexual, preferences but to back up Bigger. Unless you two had a very strong agreement on an open relationship then his affairs were cheating. I assume he is bi since his relationship with another man spanned years. That is ok if is ok with you. What y’all need is a sex therapist to guide you to see if you can survive the lies of omission. It is the continued lies that trip up reconciliation. Good luck.

Thankyou, I will definitely seek help with my doctor if I need it. The individual councelling has helped and I have great family and friends (although haven’t told them the full truth, hence posting here).

I know it’s cheating whether with a man or a woman, putting your genitals in another mouth in a committed monogamous relationship is definitely cheating.

It was his explanation that it wasn’t "cheating" as there was no feelings, kissing, cuddling and no emotion. Purely transactional. I googled it and there apparently is a phenomenon called a "bro job" where "straight" men help each other out (the things you learn hey).

But regardless of his compartmentalisation it is cheating! Like if he paid a prosthetic, yeah no feelings but it’s still cheating….

That was meant to say prostitute not prosthetic

So sorry for what you are facing. Betrayal that is years prior (at least claimed to be), is no less a shock to the system, and in truth, it may as well have happened yesterday as far as your nervous/limbic system is concerned.

At four weeks out from Dday, your are very early in the process. One veteran poster recently said that the first year is just about personal recovery. Getting support for yourself is paramount right now. Your WH needs to look after himself. Gather trusted friends and family around you. You are already in IC, hopefully one with experience in betrayal trauma, which is good. Pay close attention to your physical state (nutrition, exercise, hydration, proper rest, etc).

Keep all options open (D or R). Even if his claim of the prior betrayals with none since (a big IF imo) are true, there is a mountain of work for him to do should you eventually decide to attempt to reconcile with him. The fact that he did this and deceived you and then had a child with you must be a bitter pill in and of itself. As you said, you may have decided to break it off had you known.

Im glad you chose to post here,this is a great place to get support for the crisis you are facing. Please continue to update.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:56 PM, Saturday, July 27th]

You don’t have to take any decisions right now. Heal first, wait and watch his actions, get your ducks in a row in case you do divorce. People can change but you have to be sure he gave up everything in 2018 after years of doing this.
You seemed to be committed to him from 2009, did he not get the memo? He waited until 2018 to decide he is all in and going to be faithful. There is no down playing this.

It’s difficult to not look back and feel like a fool. Been there, done that. Remind yourself that your intentions were right and your heart was in the right place. You did the right thing. It’s his shame , he is the fool here.

I hope you find the answers you need. Don’t judge yourself harshly for staying or leaving . Do what’s best for you.

Thank you for the messages I do appreciate them.

Things still very raw and up and down, my therapist said that could be expected for a while. Some days I feel so angry I could actually kill someone. Some days I just want to cry all day. Some days I feel like it was ages ago, we are different people; and it will all be ok.

I am just FURIOUS he has done this. I think a "proper" affair would be worse, but this feels even more unnecessary. He’s thrown away 16 years for a few threesomes with a truly grotesque couple and a few blow jobs. Like how selfish and stupid and cruel do you have to be?!

It’s so sad I feel so sorry for my lovely toddler who is sat here as I type this. How dare he let me think I’m marrying and having a kid with a faithful caring man when actually he’s a selfish cheat who has put my physical health at risk and utterly obliterated my mental health and life.

I’ve not told anyone the full truth in real life, it’s too embarrassing, even though I know logically it’s not my embarrassment (but I am mortified, am I so disgusting that he’d rather sleep with a big fat spotty woman)

I seriously encourage you two to sit down and discuss and – if possible – agree on the boundaries and expectations of your marriage.
Boundaries might sound negative, but I guess it depends on how you view them. Like expecting not to be physically abused is a boundary; not much negative about that. Boundaries might keep you hemmed in – you aren’t allowed to make major financial decisions on your own, not allowed to cheat, not allowed to just go after work on Friday and return a week later... whatever... – but they also create a safe-zone for both partners.

For example: IF you two had an agreement that you were allowed same-sex partners, and that agreement had some formal rules that you both adhered to... well... He could go and have sex with "Dave", just like you might find some outlet for your bi urges. Since it’s within an agreement – it’s not infidelity.
[Just to be very clear: I am not endorsing you do this, and IMHO opening a marriage after infidelity is generally a last-ditch and generally unsuccessful way to save it. It’s more that this might be something you two IN AGREEMENT look into after 2-3 years.]

IF you do discuss your borders, I think it will increase the odds of a reasonable and mutually beneficial solution if you also discuss divorce. That if you can’t reach an agreement you are both content with then you two might be better off divorcing and focusing on coparenting your child.

I’m a bit old... and this gender fluctuation is something I might not get. I’m of the old straight, gay and bi generation, and am fine with whatever you are. As a rule I tend to advise people with partners that turn out to be dominantly gay to divorce because IMHO a gay person can never find happiness forced into a hetro relationship. Kids are better off with a mom and dad, and a second dad and a third dad (or mom...) where both biological parents are happy and their partners loving step-parents.
If bi... well... IMHO it’s more an issue all married people in marriages built on traditional values accept: You are limiting your sexual options to what your partner offers.

I guess what I’m getting at is that you two really need to talk.

The first thing that jumps out at me is could he be lying about not touching the man during the threesome. It’s easy to say they both only touched the woman. But he is clearly okay with having oral with a man. He is also happy to hide this from you and call himself ‘bi curious’. If he’s curious why didn’t he have sex with the man in the threesome. If you are accepting of a bi partner then why did he lie?

I would want to know far more about this. Not because I have an issue with him being Bi. My concern would be that he is lying. This may be because he is ashamed. It may be that he is gay not bi. It may be he is a just a liar. But I’m not convinced he is being honest about these threesomes.

I would also want to know why he tells people he believes in fidelity (on two occasions by marrying his and ex and then being in a long term relationship with you) but he doesn’t really believe in fidelity - the threesomes never stopped. Or was the engagement to you the moment where he decided to change and commit to being faithful? (I would not ask him this directly but I’d want to know more about his thought processes).

I do think people can change if they really want to but I’d want to know why he changed. This still may be a deal breaker.

Has he asked you to have threesomes? I ask this because I’d want to know why.

Hi all.

Had a few weeks off here, we’ve been trying to work things out for our baby but my head is still fixated on this. I don’t see how it can ever work.

Personally things have been a little better, sleep and eating are both better and I’ve managed to start some light exercise again (walking and yoga) which has helped.

To answer a few questions up thread, I know he didn’t do anything in the threesomes with the man involved as they were all filmed, and knowing everyone involved (sadly) it just didn’t have that vibe.

I wanted to ask if anyone else gets really fixated on certain parts. In my head I am over the "friend" betrayal but completely sick and focussed on the threesome. I think it’s as it’s with a woman so the friend I can see as just plain old sexual relief. However the threesomes have bothered me a lot more.

Not excusing either action but the threesomes are causing me all the pain at the moment. I think it’s knowing all the people involved too. Like the three of them gave their consent to have a bit of extra "fun" but I didn’t. And then I was around all three of them several times afterwards at parties or whatever. That’s hurting more than the physical act at the moment. Is that strange?

Yes, it is normal. Next week or next month, you might fixate on another aspect of what you found. It's the effect of the trauma. Knowing all of the people involved can provide another layer of betrayal, so that is another thing to work through and process.

Sometimes, the pain is so raw that reading about the pain of others is too much to handle. In the beginning, I would alternate between frantically refreshing the page every few minutes to see if somebody would post something that would take away the pain and then needing days or weeks to take a break and not be on the site.

I'm glad you're doing better at eating and exercise. Please continue to practice self-care. It is very important.