SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my WS of 18 years slept with multiple women 5 years ago. The only thing that stopped him from continuing was a pandemic. I found out about the As in a very convoluted way. The first time I found out it was from reading texts on his laptop to an old AF he was sexting. After confronting him he admitted to everything, was remorseful, got checked for STDs, and tried to start a path to reconciliation. He promised it was one person, no others. I believed him. Fast forward 9 months later, I had a gut intuition that I didn’t know the whole story and did more digging and found out there was more than one. Confronted WH again at which point he simply said "it’s so bad that you might as well leave me now". He admitted to having sex with "5-6 women", multiple encounters with each over a 3 year period (right after I had a newborn baby). My whole world came crashing down.

I started IC. He agreed to IC for his "sex addiction". We have two children together. He said I was too "vanilla" for him and we never had that compatibility so he needed to look for it elsewhere and get it out of his system. He found these women on tinder mostly. I don’t even know where to begin how to feel or recover from this. My therapist suggested not to take any action yet, as it’s too much to process at the moment. I haven’t had a peaceful nights sleep in months. I feel like my whole marriage was one big lie.

[This message edited by Tess55 at 6:16 AM, Monday, September 16th]

Hi Tess, so sorry you have had to go through this trauma. This site has many wonderful people who are great at listening and will give you some wonderful advice.

The feeling if the marriage being one big lie resonates with me so much. I wish I could divorce my husband but stay together in some weird relationship as our marriage vows have been broken so for me there is no repair.

Infidelity is so cruel, unjust and just plain unnecessary but somehow we are all here trying to survive. Again you will get great support here. Keep posting as much as you need x

Hi, Tess, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here, but there's a great deal of support from members who have been through this nightmare.

Not surprised that your husband didn't tell you the truth when you initially found out, cheaters lie, all of them and they all minimize their actions to protect themselves. Gently, is there a possibility that there could be more affairs further back than what you found out?
The reason I am asking is bc if he's been diagnosed as a sex addict by a medical professional, there may be more to his behavior going back years.

Your IC is correct, you need time to process this trauma to make an informed decision about your marriage. If you are having trouble sleeping, suggest you talk with your primary care physician to possibly take some temporary medications to give you a good night's rest. Dealing with the trauma daily is difficult enough, dealing when your body is exhausted just adds another layer of misery.

IMO in a way your husband is blaming his actions on you, if he felt your sex life needed a change, he could have discussed it with you or suggested counseling. Please don't ever accept any type of blame for his actions.

Check out the Healing Library, it's chock full of great articles, and post as often as you need to. We are listening.

Tess, you cannot police a person into behaving themselves. It will drive you crazy. Your choice is to look at the reality of your life. Can your body stand the amount of stress you have? Is your husband enjoying his children? Does he spend quality time with you? Is he thoughtful and kind?

If he has desires you do not want to do then y’all might not be compatible. This is not your fault. To another man your bedroom behavior could be perfect. Look at what YOU need. You need a partner whose focus is on his family and not who he can connect with online.

If you are having trouble sleeping see your doctor. If you aren’t eating healthily use something like Ensure. If your nerves are bad see your dr. Your two jobs are to stay healthy for your kids and to let go of policing him. You need to be calm and find ways to bring that into your life.

When did you discover the cheating? If it's close to your registration date, your therapist is exactly right - you're probably overwhelmed by contradictory thoughts and feelings now, and you are unlikely to make good decisions under that stress.

Start by knowing this is a normal stage in recovery. Most SIers start here not knowing what they will do. They may think the made a decision long ago before they faced being betrayed, but now - especially with kids - an old decision to dump anyone who cheated on them doesn't feel quite right.

Have faith in yourself to get grounded again. Have faith in yourself to make good decisions once you've had time to begin to understand your new reality.

It's not a good sign that your WS is blaming you for his betrayal. It's not a good sign if he uses his addiction as an excuse, if that's what he is doing. He's a lousy candidate for R unless he takes responsibility for his lousy choices.

But right now, my reco is to focus on your own healing. Start processing the anger, grief, fear, and shame (even though you have nothing to be ashamed of) out of your body. Keep yourself from trying to make a D/R decision until you're ready - the sooner you process your feelings and the more feelings you process, the sooner you'll be able to make good decisions.

And just for the record, you played no part in his cheating. Your H cheated on his own, for his own reasons and because of his own dysfunctions.

I went through a very similar discovery process. Found out about one affair 20 years into our marriage and found out he had 5 other one night stands while at conferences. He did not seek them out but that matters less to me as time goes on. The level of pain with this is so debilitating. I am so sorry you are going through this. I also found out a year after my initial d day that there was more than one affair and it spanned many years. So I had a similar discovery process and it is pretty traumatizing.
My number one piece of advice is do not take responsibility for his actions in any way. He could have discussed your sex life. And if you just had a baby that is a time that he should have been nurturing you. These type of wayward spouses are extremely selfish. They have poor coping mechanisms and are unable to self validate and they seek it through sex.
He has a ton of work to do on himself.
If you can afford to separate and you want to for a month or two I would have done that. I was so triggered and anxious with him. Increase your self care. Spend time with a best friend. Get take out. It really is like a physical injury. You have to let yourself recover. We both did IC. I think it was helpful just to have someone to talk to as family and friends can only hear so much and it’s so consuming for such a long time. I did not find that I had any major break through with counseling but it does help you organize your thoughts.

My WH has been consistently remorseful and is doing the work. I am 2.5 years out. It is a long painful journey. We are trying to reconcile. I am still somewhat ambivalent. If I was younger and did not have kids that would be deeply impacted I would likely move on from the relationship.
I am starting to feel better just recently and our relationship is improving. But he has been unwavering. I have been an angry shrew of a woman.
Big hugs to you. You can do this. You will not feel like you can but you will.

@saltishealing I discovered the infidelity in a very convoluted way. I really believe a higher power was showing me my true reality. The truth of the matter is that the marriage had issues. We were trying to work through them. I believe he has NPD but no official diagnosis. I was mistreated for a long time. The first infidelity dated back to much longer ago, 3 years into our marriage, but it was not physical, it was a work affair and he actually lost his job because of inappropriate advances at work. The second affair was also an emotional one. The sexual affairs with multiple women started around 7 years ago, the time when he started traveling for work and it was a lot of pursuit, a lot of contacting women on dating sites, meeting for dates and inviting women to his hotel room. He says these things 1)he's the primary breadwinner but never appreciated at home. Being with these women was a thrill, and also provided him with the validation that he needed. 2)We were never compatible sexually, and he wanted to experience what it was like being with women who matched his appetite and drive, and he managed to find that in these women. He says while not proud of what he did, in a way he is glad that he got that out of his system (at my expense). Him and I met very young and had no other parters prior.
Those who are saying that he should have discussed his sex life, he did, and we attended marriage counseling but the marriage was never emotionally safe for me. The abuse, the fighting, the cycle of love bombing and silent treatment has spanned for years. He was sleeping around while we were in MC. I had reasons to leave even without the cheating.
Fast forward to how I found out - 10 months ago, one of his old AP found him online and contacted him and he decided one random day to go out and meet her while me and the kids were home. After that I was suspicious and found the communication between him and her on his laptop. The second DD happened 3 weeks ago. Having found out about one AP initially and now knowing that there were others has really been a struggle, because I had just started coming to terms with it and now I feel like I'm back to DD1.

Dr. Ramani has some really good videos on YouTube on healing from narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic abuse. You may find them helpful. She did a really good one on the brain chemistry behind trauma bonding that was very good. She does a great job of explaining in layman's terms so you don't have to have a degree to understand what she's saying. If he's been emotionally abusive, you will probably find them helpful even if he isn't a narcissist.

There's a book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft that discusses abuse. It isn't specific to infidelity, but it is a good read for you. Also, he has a blog that he posted about "sex addiction" where he says people use that as an excuse when they really aren't an addict. Just because your WH (wayward husband) says he's an addict, doesn't mean he is. Only a CSAT can give him that diagnosis.

You don't have to decide everything today. Take it one step at a time.

@leafields the article was really spot on. I never thought about it in that way. It describes my WH very accurately - the constant pressure without regard to my needs or feelings. Things are becoming clearer. Thank you for sharing this.

My XWH (wayward ex-husband) is a diagnosed covert narc. Dr. Ramani's videos helped me understand so much.

I stated doing meditation through an app, which helped me focus my thoughts. It helped me be able to center my thoughts when they would spiral. Mindfulness helped, too.

Take time to do self-care. A little note that says Self-care is not selfish is posted on my fridge. Really, it is so important. Do things for you that make you feel feel better. Pedicures are one thing I do to feel awesome.

The As are all on him. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say caused him to cheat. He has a character flaw that said it was ok.

It sounds like he's a serial cheater and they rarely have the fortitude to do the work to be a safe partner. If he wants to save the M, he needs to show you that he's willing to do the work. Watch his actions because they speak louder than words at this point.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar in June 2019. My husband admitted to a s& porn addiction. We did 3 things that helped a lot- we went to a therapist that specializes in sex addiction and marriages (look for C-SAT credentials) and my stipulation/ boundary for staying was that he enter recovery in a 12 step program called Sexaholics Anonymous, attend phone or in person meetings if possible, every day for 90 days, no excuses. At the time we were living in a bigger city so he could go to a few in person SA meetings, and the rest he calls in to a meeting over the phone. He got a sponsor and he worked the 12 steps. I also worked a 12 step program and that helped me a lot. Your Spouse is telling you the truth when he says it’s worst than he admitted to, but he is lying to you and to himself when he blamed you for being "too vanilla." Sex addiction is a very real, very common addiction that unfortunately is stigmatized in our culture just like alcoholism used to be, but SA’s are people who were raised experiencing trauma (if you stay with him and go to therapy and he goes into recovery for this, you will likely learn a whole lot about his trauma as a child) and this very specific set of circumstances creates this reaction in people. It’s called growing up with Overt, Covert, and Emotional Incest. It is the circumstances that create this addiction. Once the root cause is faced, and the activity that feeds the addiction is stopped, true healing can begin. In the meantime, what you’re experiencing is called C-PTSD. It’s extremely traumatic to go through this, and you will need a safe support system. You will need healing of your own. His excuses for why is a way to escape the blame/ shame he feels for himself, which is adding insult to a terrible injury. The truth is that right now he himself doesn’t know why he does it, and only if he goes in to SA recovery will he find out. But this addiction was there long before he met you, and in a way he is a victim, too, but how things turn out will depend on his willingness to get well and face it.
I told my husband what my firm non negotiable boundaries were, I moved in to the guest room, and did a lot of praying. You can go to 12 step meetings, too, they help so much. There’s CODA, Al Anon, or therapy for yourself through an C-SAT therapist, who often organize support groups. A lot of church’s have support groups for this, too. This is one of the most common addictions in the world, growing more due to the internet and people being exposed at younger ages, and that combined with a certain style of upbringing is what creates this addiction. Take space from his mother while you go through this if you want to see him get well. His mother is likely a big part of the equation. Books to read to learn about sex addiction is anything by Dr. Patrick Carnes.
Keep praying! The third thing that helped me is I found a faith in a Higher Power of my own understanding and leaned hard on that faith, I prayed often, put the whole problem into God’s hands. Today my husband has 5 years sober in SA, there are no secrets between us, we are rebuilding trust, we are in love. We are deeply intimate and we know the worst in each other and the best. It can be a better marriage. I have a dear friend in my same situation who left, and got divorced, she is happy, too. Either way, YOUR future is going to improve if you get healing for yourself. Strong boundaries, and don’t believe his bullshit. Early recovery if he chooses to get sober/ get well in SA is a process of extracting his head from his ***, it takes a while for sanity (empathy for you) to be restored. He will go through an actual physical detox as his body struggles to adapt chemically to less dopamine hits, but then comes freedom and a new joy if he embraces recovery. Don’t let him blame you, it’s not true. It’s an excuse so he doesn’t have to look deeper at his shame, and he will have to face it in recovery. My husband continues to work an SA program, still goes to meetings. He no longer has a wandering eye, he’s happy, he’s the best version of himself. It’s like an alcoholic who stops drinking and goes into AA, they get clean, get well, start to be peaceful and they get free from the pain cycle in addiction. The good news is that he is willing to tell you it’s worse than you know- that’s an indication he wants to get well because addiction is never about pleasure, it’s how it starts looking for relief from pain but at the end stage of addiction it’s no longer fun but compulsive. Whatever he chooses, YOU will know peace and joy again if you focus on your healing journey.

Tess55, I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too, am struggling to process years of infidelities. I spend a lot of time feeling baffled by the situation I suddenly find myself in. My WH also seemed to expect the marriage to fail, not just after I knew, but all along, I suppose because of the guilt he felt over his addiction. Now that we're separated he says it's very painful for him.

Everyone's advice is good; don't accept ANY blame for his bad behavior, try to find good individual counseling, and take care of yourself. I related to everything SaltyAsTheOcean said. I admire her for sticking to it and working on it with her WH, not sure if that will be my choice. But I'm trying to give myself permission to take as long as I need to before I settle on a decision for my future. The most important conclusion I've reached is that I know I can be okay if I'm alone.

It's an intense time, of course you feel completely adrift and massively confused. Make yourself a safe space. Mentally be okay with yourself, you are valuable and important and his actions have nothing to do with you. Keep posting and much support.