SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

With my partner over 4 years and was due to get married in July. Found out he had been cheating with 4 women 3 weeks before my wedding day one messaged me. He said he had seen her over 5 times in 2 years and she got pregnant. Then when i went through his laptop found he had an STI and he confessed to another 9 women he had been messaging and exchanging pictures with. We are in therapy jointly and indivdually and he is intsigating the therapy but my heart has been ripped apart. Im traumatised and im near to leaving. He told the therapist it was always me he loved. She says he has a complusion. Its a sickness but i cant get over the lies, my life being fake and him messaging his 2 close friends weeks before the wedding saying he wasnt sure he thinks it could work. Now i find out he was villanising me to feel better about what he was doing. Im gutted, any advice?

Oh goodness how awful. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Looking at what you've said: 1) he is a serial cheater, 2) he willing exposed you to sexually transmitted infections to avoid accountability, 3) he was cheating immediately before your wedding, which is brazenly disrespectful and egocentric from his standpoint.

Maybe he is sick, maybe not. I do not think you owe him anything. In your position, I would leave and never look back. I'd block him from all means of contacting you and move on with your life. This is but a preview of what your married life will bring. Get out now, he is telling you who he is - believe him. I'm dreadfully sorry.

WS,

Sorry but so early in the marriage when you should be in the honeymoon stage. If You don't have kids DIVORCE

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I should be clear that the 3 women he had s*x with was over 2 years in our 4 year relationship and the last sexual infidelity was 2 months before the month we were due to get married. She was on/off with vists from 2022 to May 2024. The women he was seeing and what he did was based on a kink thing and impact play. Sex was transactional. I cancelled the wedding and we immediately went into therapy. Therapist says he was acting out with impact play due to the stress of his ex putting him through drama of not letting him see his child. There was a 4 year legal battle and this drama completely took over our lives. His child wasnt easy to look after either. But he had a choice and he chose wrong. He has a compulsion or addiction and my therapist said it has nothing to do with me. He's sick. We dont have kids and not financially together so i can easily leave. He has been accountable, gone into therapy, transparent about his devices and told his parents and close friend after i suggested he did. It hurts and hits me like a tornado every 2 weeks. I still love him but i know that is going to never leave me.

[This message edited by Wanderingsoul83 at 6:26 AM, Sunday, October 6th]

I would walk away and not look back. You’ve been given a preview of how he handles stress. I don’t even believe that lying to you and cheating is because he can’t see his child. Like seriously?

He’s shown you who he is, do you really want to keep dealing with that.

Hugs, betrayal really sucks. Just remember that he was willing to do that to you over and over again.

I am so sorry for you. To find this out right before your wedding is on a blessing and a curse. On one hand you found out.😢 On the other hand you found out before you were married. 🙏

I’d say run. Far and fast.

The fact that he is using the custody battle as an excuse is ridiculous IMO. He had support - from you. If it was SO stressful he could have seen a professional counselor. This wasn’t a mistake. This was his choice. More than once or twice.

This is his lifestyle.

You will spend the rest of your life in limbo. Always waiting for the "next time". His "sex addiction" if that is what he has — it’s like alcoholism or shopping addiction etc. except he exposes you to diseases.

It’s not that he doesn’t love you. It’s just that his inability to cope with life forced him to make decisions that impacted your life too. And he didn’t care - he just needed to get HIS desires or needs fulfilled.

I hope this helps you see your potential future if you marry him.

Thank you. I won't be marrying him at all. We both have children of our own separately and this relationship was part of a blended family. He is a child trapped inside a man's body and weak. I can't imagine being with another man let alone sharing my body, sexual thoughts with so many. The therapist said its nothing to do with me but he still lied to me and put me at risk. I just can't get over that.

I agree with others who have suggested you walk away. That is way too much baggage to bring into a new marriage

Yes, I agree that it is time to move on. You do not need a lifetime of this. I am glad you are willing to take care of yourself.

He is a child trapped inside a man's body

Spot on.

I think you made the right decision for you and your family, and his kids too.

Run away and never look back!

He always loved you BUT he initiated intimate conversation with nine women? Imagine if he didn’t love you what he would have done… come on, don’t condemn yourself to a life of misery.

Just ditch him and move on.

Wow. It's a crazy world we live in. I second to what Fantastic said, run and never look back. This dude is a serial dumbass.

Welcome to SI and for joining the club that nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, plus some with bull's eye icons that have some great information. The Healing Library is a great resource and has the list of acronyms we use.

He's a serial cheater and they rarely change their ways to be a safe partner. I'm so glad that you called off the wedding.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you.

The therapist is incorrect. He was cheating because he has a character in where he thinks it's ok to cheat.

If your friend were telling you this, what advice would you give?

The wedding is off.

You may love him- but there are many people in this world you can love. If not married and 4 years in….Id work on my OWN healing and move on…..Remember "who you choose to marry will account for 90% of your joy or 90% of your misery". Please dont use his "WHYS" as a reason to stay….it’s his mess to clean up— YOU focus on YOU

I am sorry you are in pain……Ive been married 25 yrs…..the pain is real :(

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 11:30 AM, Monday, October 7th]

Wanderingsoul, you have been given good advice and I agree with all the veterans who chimed in here for you.

I would like to save you the heartache of wondering whether with "enough counseling" this loser could change his character enough that you could continue the relationship. Short answer: no.

I would bet you his views on women, sex and male prerogatives were aquired very early in life from his own family. We have a saying in my country "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." It took me an agonizingly long time to find out just how deeply embedded these beliefs are in a man with his "sickness." Time I wasted! It is the way their world is meant to work, and nobody pointing out the damage they inflict is going to erase decades of "programming" they got from family and friends.

Surely there must be some better men for you to connect with, than this loser. I am sorry, but also glad you are taking steps to remove yourself from this relationship. Don't beat yourself up about choosing him, such sickness isn't easily seen. And get tested for STIs.

What's keeping you in the relationship?

The pain of being betrayed is very real. The grief can be overwhelming. The experience of being betrayed can make it impossible to think clearly and to make it difficult to make decisions.

All that passes. IMO, it passes best if you face the grief (and anger, and fear and shame and ?) head on and process the feelings out of your body, but sometimes time alone can heal.

But you CAN heal. Have faith in yourself to do that. Life can get good again.

A hug, if you'll accept one from a stranger - (((Wanderingsoul83)))

Run far away from this man and don't look back.

This is who he is, and he isn't gonna change.

Multiple affairs, long-term affairs, STI’s, pregnancy...

I agree that he has issues, and he might even have compulsion. Might be dealing with Sexual Addiction or whatever.
I would give you the same advice as I would if one of my kids was getting serious about someone that was dealing with an addiction – be it substance or sexual or whatever... Don’t get serious – don’t get involved. At the very least wait until at least 5 years sober. Then see if the person is still doing the work required to remain sober. Then and only then consider a relationship, but be aware that the odds of a relapse are seriously higher than the odds of no relapse.
Basically – I would give the same advice I gave myself (and you can read in my profile) and that is to use the pre-marriage period for what it’s intended: To see if this person is the correct person to share a future with. I would probably also suggest you do what I did and end the relationship.

FWIW – I felt like the world was over for about six months... after that things started to get better. In my instance I found my present wife of nearly 40 years about 18 months after d-day. But that’s me – the main thing being that IMHO you can work towards your own healing as a single person, but would be hampered and held back by his healing, relapses and setbacks if you remain.