SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey. I'm new here. I find it cathartic to write about my experience so I am hoping I can join this community and find some support, and have space to reflect. I've always been the type to deal with problems internally... people say I 'bottle stuff up' which is bad, but I don't think it's like that. I just like to think about things. I also like writing stuff down. This helps.

So I am 36 and I am a man. I've been with my wife for what feels like forever. We met in our first year of university and from that moment on we were inseparable. We'd both had partners previously, but nothing serious, and we were both virgins - oh, how quickly that changed! - and despite the stress and turbulence of university our relationship was stronger day by day. After graduation we knew we didn't want to be apart so she moved in with me at my parents house. My parents absolutely adored her - they'd acquired the daughter they never had! - and we had a great couple of years whilst we found our feet in terms of jobs and money.

Then she fell pregnant. Unexpected and unplanned, but after 5 years and a few too many missed pills it was inevitable. We knew we wanted kids, we just hadn't thought too hard about the 'when', but life made that decision for us. After the initial shock we were both incredibly excited and soon we welcomed our firstborn. 

This was the catalyst for us to move out of my parent's place, and by the miracle of low interest rates and generous relatives, we were able to get our own mortgage. We began life on our own as a family and we tied the knot (finally) but it already felt like we had everything, the wedding was just a formality.

A few years later we decided it was time for baby number 2. She stopped taking the pill again and fell pregnant very quickly. Baby number two came along, swiftly followed by the Covid pandemic which was a strange time for everybody. But we got through it.

By late 2022 we were well in the swing of things as a family of 4. Our relationship was perfect. Totally aligned values and plans for the future. We were blessed to have baby sitters on tap, kids that slept well, careers that were conducive to family life. Our relationship was strong, plenty of 'date nights', plenty of family time, plenty of holidays, trips, social occasions. Even our sex life was good... like I said, our kids were good sleepers, and the sex we had in 2022-23 was honestly better than the sex we had in our early twenties!

But you know where this is going.

One day in January 2024 my boss comes to me late morning and says I can have the afternoon off. This happens sometimes. Plus sometimes I'll nip home for an hour at lunch if I'm on top of work. What I'm saying is, it's not unusual for me to arrive home unannounced at 1230pm, and that's exactly what I did that day. Usually when I'm home at that time my wife may not be there, depending on her work schedule and depending on what errands or social plans she has. But on this occasion I know she is home - lights are on, keys in the basket, coat hung on stair rail etc. 

So I let myself in and call out. No response initially, so I wonder if she is out in the garden. I walk through to the kitchen and as I'm walking I hear a clatter of foot steps down the stairs. I look back and briefly lock eyes with a man that I don't know and I realise I'd walked past his shoes by the door. He's out the door before I can even verbalise any thoughts. 

Puzzled, I walk over to the stairs and call up to my wife - I hear movement up there, but no response. 

Eventually she emerges from our bedroom (I can see the door from the bottom of the stairs) and though she is fully dressed, it is very obvious that the movement I heard was the sound of her getting dressed quickly.

I don't remember the next part well. I remember feeling a rush of just about every emotion I've ever experienced, but I just backed away and went outside and got into my car. I wasn't looking for the guy, I just wanted to get away. Like I said in my intro paragraph, I'm a thinker. Looking back over our relationship I can't remember any arguments - it's like I can't argue. I don't like to say things until I've thought about them. And I don't like to say things until I've thought about what the other person might say back, and thought about my responses to those too. My wife is different. She will say what she feels and then whatever somebody says back, she knows what to say next because she feels it straight away. I don't know if I believe in the Myers Briggs personality thing, but I'd guess I'm INTP and I'd guess she is ENFJ. 

So, I'm a thinker, but I didn't want to think about this right now. I just drove for a while. I knew it would be time to pick the kids up from school at 3pm and, perhaps selfishly, I knew that the kids would be a good buffer that would mean we didn't have to talk about it. When I got back home at 2.50pm, my wife was pacing by the door waiting for me. I just said  "shall we go get the kids?" and we set off. 

Like I said, a lot of that afternoon is a blur to me, but I remember going to get the kids. My wife (the extrovert) usually talks to lots of people at school, whereas I don't. I guess my aura won that day because nobody talked to us. We just got the kids and went home.

We muddled through the afternoon/evening routine as usual. We didn't argue, and we didn't even mention what had happened. I slept on the sofa that night and for probably a week afterwards. 

The one thing I was sure of from the first minute after seeing her (and him) was that I didn't want the kid's lives to be disrupted, and I knew that they found it super weird that I was on the couch in the mornings. So I knew that I'd have to sleep in bed again. 

The bed sheets from that day had already been through the wash and I knew there were new sheets on - at that point I'd not 'accused' her of anything and she hadn't admitted anything - but I knew when and why she'd changed the sheets. I knew what I needed to know. 

We slept in bed together but we didn't touch, and we didn't talk about anything other than practical life stuff. I knew she wanted to - she can't not talk about things - but I guess she knew that it was not her place to force us to have this conversation.

The next two months are still fuzzy and dark in my mind. We talked about it here and there - sometimes via text message - and we only talked about the bits that I wanted to talk about. I confirmed that she'd had sex with the man I saw. He was an acquaintance of hers that I was aware of, but who I didn't know much about. She confirmed that it was a one off, and that nobody else knew - I believe this / have seen evidence. Aside from the kids, my second priority was some form of damage limitation: if my wife is cheating on me then I don't want ANYBODY else to know: she agreed. I knew she was on contraception (I'd been dragging my heels about getting a vasectomy) but I wanted to be sure that she hadn't acquired anything else - she did the necessary.

I told myself that we'd talk about it properly at some point. There were things I wanted to ask and say, but I just didn't know exactly what. I knew that I wasn't about to jack it all in. I certainly didn't want to make any quick and potentially irreversible decisions. I wasn't thinking about anything sentimental or emotional at that time, I was just focusing on the two facts that I knew for certain. Firstly, that breaking up would massively affect the children. And secondly, that breaking up would mean everybody knowing what had happened and that was a further humiliation that I was just not ready to face. 

Since the then I have just kind of carried on with it. Sometimes doing my best ostrich impression, other times I genuinely forget about it all. But more and more I have found that I am just accepting it. Our life otherwise feels 'normal'. We have fun at home with the kids, we see friends, we see friends and family, and we deal with all the trials and tribulations of normal adult life. I still love her and I feel loved by her.

At some point we began having sex again... This is one area where I don't quite feel back to normal. People talk about "hysterical bonding" and "reclaiming" but this hasn't happened, but we are having sex often. I find that sex now, and physical attraction in general, requires more 'mental gymnastics' in order to not be distracted by what she did... There's some vague undefinable part of sex that is missing now and I don't know if that can come back. I find it hard to explain exactly how I feel here... I hope that it's something I can work through.

Anyway, that's my story. Currently 10 months after the 'event' and I feel like in a lot of ways things are going well. Thank you for reading.

[This message edited by Apostrophe at 6:24 PM, Wednesday, November 13th]

My heart is breaking for you, because your marriage is already dead and you don't seem to know it or be willing to acknowledge it.

The state you're existing in right now isn't going to hold forever. These things have a habit of coming back up at the worst time, and as long as you aren't bringing it up, she's happy to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.

You need to come home from work tonight, tell her "We're going to have a conversation this weekend about what happened and what we're going to do about this moving forward." And then let her stew for the next few days.

The point is, she's suffered no consequences. And the longer this weird stalemate goes on, the less she's going to respect you. She'll start feeling bold again, and if she hasn't already, she'll probably resume contact and even start hooking up outside of your marriage again.

I don't know what to tell you that would make you confront reality. Either you don't care about her anymore and that's why you're so calm, you're worried you'll go crazy if you actually talk about it, or you'll finally find the strength to make a decision on how to move forward.

It doesn't sound like she's done any work toward making amends or showing remorse, so as far as you know, she's still actively in the affair. You initially said you don't want people to know, but I think it's time you start telling people.

Either that, or you open the marriage. Tell her you no longer care about her in the way you used to. She isn't your one and only, you wouldn't move worlds to make her happy, and you tell her that you don't care if she fucks other people, because you're no longer in love with her. She killed that, and she's too chicken to face it.

If you want to stay together for legal protections, or for the kids, do what you want to do. But the person you trusted with your life is gone, and this impostor who's afraid to talk to you about how she ripped your heart out and took a piss on it is all that's left.

Im so sorry you are in this mess.

Whether you stay with her or not, you may be able to forgive her but you will never forget.

Find a counselor (IC) for you, NOT a marriage counselor for both. If the first one isn't a fit try another.
Get STD testing. She betrayed you and may be lying. Take care of yourself.
Check your finances, make sure money isn't disappearing.
If the other man is married, tell his wife, she deserves to know
If you want to try to reconcile, get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it and give it to your wife.

Rug sweeping rarely works. Reconciliation is very hard, both have to be all in.

OP, you are rug-sweeping. PLEASE do some research and you’ll quickly see how rug-sweeping is the absolute WORST response you can have to adultery. It’s like you’ve swallowed a runaway nuclear reactor. Like it or not, it’s going to blow sky high. You just don’t know when…..

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've been hurt by infidelity. We encourage new members to read the posts pinned at the top of the forum, as well as those that have a bull's eye icon. Additionally, the Healing Library is located at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources. Please read the post Boundaries and Consequences 101.

Have you been to IC (individual counseling)? Betrayal trauma specialists can be very helpful. Also, you should get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some really nasty things out there that can crop up later.

You're doing what we call rugsweeping, just sweeping everything under the rug. The problem is that the pile under the rug gets so large that you can't get around it.

What work is your WW (wayward wife) doing to become a safe partner? You think that you had aligned values, but do yours include monogamy? Her values didn't. She needs to dig and find her whys and fix them, or she's going to repeat the behavior.

So sorry you are in this mess. You have come to the right place. Please keep coming back.

This site has a good Healing Library. Please avail yourself of it. At the top of this page is a thread pinned called "Tactical Primer". Please read it.

At the present time you are rug sweeping and this is about the worst thing you can do. The problem stays inside fermenting, gathering steam, etc. until it explodes without warning. You do not want that happening. A good book to read is "The Body Keeps Score".

If you can find yourself an Individual Counselor (IC) who is trained treating PTSD patients, you might want to get all the counseling you can afford. Because you might be suffering from PTSD now whether or not you realize it.

Do not even entertain the idea of marriage counseling at this point. Your marriage did not cheat... your wife did. After the two of you have had individual counseling for some time, then, and only then, you two might think about marriage counseling. Again, the marriage did not cheat... your wife did.

Others more knowledgeable than me will be along with some good advice.

Good luck.

I have seen much harsher situations posted on here but in a way the is the most heartbreaking story I have read...I feel you have given her a green light to just carry on...Also you have no idea how long this has been happening. IMO you need to bring this up or at some point in the future it will get ahold of you...Good luck to you

I had a situation with my husband(had nothing to do with his cheating) that made me so sad and angry that I knew I could not deal with it. I have the ability, good or bad, to box things up and store them in the back of my brain until I can handle them. This took 6 months for me to be ready. I told him to sit down and not get up until I was done. In a very calm, quiet voice I ripped him a new one. I told him he had better fix it yesterday. I talked for a solid hour and aired a bunch of grievances that had built over the years. He fixed things, not by words but by actions. What I read here is your brain works the same way. It’s like dirty water running through charcoal filters until it is clean, and especially clear. You need time to filter through it all. And that time frame is personal.
What most of us are waiting for is the day your rage erupts. It might not be you yelling. It might be a heart attach from bottling things up. Please get to a therapist to have an outlet for you.
I hope you are looking after your health.

I am staying for my kid. But I have to tell you it ain't easy. I dont sleep, I have health problems, I am short tempered. If you can live like that great. I will tell you that kids know more then you think. Maybe not actually what is happening, but they know something is off. Bottom line can you live like that? It is a place I don't wish on my worst enemy. If you want to save your marriage make her own up to what she did. If she can do that, and do the work involved then by all means try your hardest. If she can not, you have your answer. Do not rugsweep and not talk about it. It will eat you alive. Maybe not now but it will catch up to you at some point. Sorry you are here.

Welcome to SI, sorry you find yourself here. You cannot move forward with her until you know what you are healing from.

At the point she ends up in your bed with another man, means there is a long build up to that. No one just ends up there by accident or mistake. There is a longer history of her giving herself permission to cross lines.

You need to sit her down and get the truth. You need a timeline of who, what, where, when and how. You cannot move forward in a healthy manner, do not consider R right now, she is an enemy in the camp and until she becomes safe you need to separate yourself from her.

We are here for you, best wishes

[This message edited by Tanner at 3:44 AM, Thursday, November 14th]

So sorry, but friend, you are bearing a trauma that MUST be dealt with. It is doing things inside you. And your marriage is only surface in name right now. You must have truth and trust to have intimacy. Start digging into truth friend, you deserve something real. Giving children a false surface marriage will not help them. Make it real.

It was not a one off.

That man felt comfortable enough to come into another man's house and have sex in the marital bed.

A one off would be arranging a hotel room or something far from home, a one off even at the home would be on the couch or something quick.

They felt comfortable enough to go into the bedroom to do it.

Hiding won't make it go away.

Have you even talked to the man?

We talked about it here and there - sometimes via text message - and we only talked about the bits that I wanted to talk about. I confirmed that she'd had sex with the man I saw. He was an acquaintance of hers that I was aware of, but who I didn't know much about. She confirmed that it was a one off, and that nobody else knew - I believe this / have seen evidence.

You don't invite someone to your marital bed on a whim. There was a lead up to this. Your wife felt comfortable inviting him to your home during the day. The odds are against you just happening to come home on the first and only time she stepped out on your marriage are slim. Whether with the guy you caught or another, she's done things that you wouldn't approve of before this day. You can't trust her word on this. She has no reason to come clean, especially as your default reaction was to save the marriage. I'd place odds on she has remained in contact with her "acquaintance". If I were to speculate when she started to seek out others affections, I would put it in early 2022. One sign from the WS is the change in desire for sex. Some WS cut the BP off, other WS are more aggressive with their BP. Whether due to guilt or titillation of cheating.
What you are doing won't last. It would be better to separate and move on to co-parenting than to allow this toxicity to stew unresolved. The longer it goes on the more of your soul will be eroded by what she has done.

I agree with TrenOR201 and grubs.

Seldom, if ever, is the first time in the Betrayed's bed. A tremendous amount of disrespect for the Betrayed goes into bringing someone into your castle... your safe space from the world... into your marital bed. Probably after several times together with her AP will she be comfortable enough to do something as despicable as this.

My thinking is that she and her AP made fun of you for some time, repeatedly laughed at you, etc. You then became meaningless and unimportant in her eyes. By this time she had developed little to no respect for you. This then enabled her do something as calloused and unfeeling as betraying you by having sex with another man in your marital bed.

Anyway, that is my opinion.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 11:22 PM, Friday, November 15th]

Have you allowed yourself to get properly angry about this?

Your post reads like "My wife fucked another man in our marital bed ten months ago, but I haven't found a good time to really bring it up."

I understand we all deal with trauma and shock differently but you need to wake up.

I have no idea if the A is still going (it probably is). I have no idea if you have made any demands for electronic transparency or a full disclosure. I have no idea how you can just wade forward like this.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:17 PM, Thursday, November 14th]

When evaluating infidelity behavior we can note several things.
Like... inviting a man over to sleep in the marital bed... this is not a Tinder-date or some spur-of-the-moment event. A workplace infatuation, a drunken ONS, even online dating... this is in the car, at a motel or somewhere nobody knows you. To invite someone to your very home and bed... to me that screams loudly of a familiarity – a feeling of comfort and safety you don’t get with a stranger. I’m guessing that this has been going on for some time, and therefore it’s not probable that it ended thre and then.

But then... if your greatest fear is disrupting your kids lives and you think taking a stance against infidelity will inevitably do that... well... all I can suggest is you turn a blind eye, keep on ignoring the great big stinking elephant of infidelity prancing in your house and hope that your wife too is content with remaining married to you.
But... if there is this familiarity I fear... there is always the chance that your kids might eventually be talking about "uncle Bob" being with mom on your weeks with them...

I'm sorry Apostrophe, that your wife did this. Infidelity sucks. Clearly you are reluctant to confront her. Did you consider the idea that maybe she WANTS you to?

Consider the fact that she had another man in your bed during a time of day she KNOWS you might show up! Instead of choosing a time you were least likely to come home, or doing it someplace else, she is basically rubbing it in your face.

If you aren't a good communicator and are a reserved type of guy, perhaps your wife is trying to shock you into a place of some real emotion and feeling. It's obvious she isn't invested in the marriage anymore. Doing the ostrich (head in the sand) is not any kind of a solution. At least START the conversation with your wife, secrets do horrible things to a marriage, and all the people in it, including the kids.

[This message edited by gray54 at 5:35 PM, Thursday, November 14th]

Apostrophe post #1:

Anyway, that's my story. Currently 10 months after the 'event' and I feel like in a lot of ways things are going well. Thank you for reading.

Friend, I hate to say this, but you need to understand this, deep in your bones: NOTHING in your marriage is going well right now. Your house is on fire and you are still too much in shock to deal with it.

You do not know:

--Your WW's "whys", as in WHY would she allow herself to betray you AND your kids

--The storyline of your WW's affair and this includes your WW's motivation, what she was trying to get from this. (Not quite her "why" would she allow herself to betray your family as mentioned in the bullet point above, but her motivations in the moment--what she was thinking and feeling and what she wanted to get from the affair--is an important first stop). Meanwhile, I can ASSURE you that there was a lot more that happened than you think.

--Whether your WW will cheat again (spoiler alert--she likely WILL)

--Even if your WW's affair is still going on!

I hope that you WAKE UP, as your WW put your family in an awful position and they need you to take command of this situation.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:01 PM, Thursday, November 14th]

You're setting yourself up for a major fall pal, being an ostrich never ends well and one of these good days, you're gonna snap...

Rugsweeping what happened is doing yourself and your kids a HUGE disservice, but only you will know what outcome you're looking for...

The old saying of 'trust but verify', is meant for a reason, because when things seem too good to be true, they usually are...

She was comfortable enough to bring him into your bed and you think that was their first time? Well I can sell ice to an eskimo then...

I don't know how some people can turn a blind eye to infidelity, especially with that level of disrespect, but I hope you don't end up on the 💩 end of the stick for a second time. Phew...

[This message edited by Byebyebirdie at 9:01 PM, Thursday, November 14th]

rug-sweeping is the worst, but apart from everything the previous comments have said, you have to understand that by not demanding consequences or responsibility, for your wife you are losing attractiveness and value. In his eyes you are a Beta who accepts that his wife sleeps with another man in his own bed. Keep doing that and what you will get is that she will be the one to divorce you and later your relationship will be horrible. That's the worst thing you can do to your children. In order to truly reconcile, you first have to clean the wound, expose it to the air and let everything come out. Only then can you start thinking about arranging the marriage, if you still want it.

[This message edited by paquito77 at 11:18 AM, Friday, November 15th]