SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rob,

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is write to you here instead of directly text you. 9 months ago today, you walked into our bathroom while I Was in the tub- probably one of my most safe comforting places in the world- since my cancer treatment at 18- and you told me”we ARE getting divorced” after I yelled at you over using all of the ham we bought for work parties a few days before.

You spent the next few weeks verbally abusing and berating me, taking pot shots at everything from my parenting to what you perceived as my shortcomings as your wife- most of these I had never heard in our 18 years together.

You threatened me, you scared me- when I knew there was more going on, you lied to my face and denied there was any other woman involved. When I found your text messsages on March 25th- home alone, I drove to my mother’s house and threw myself on her floor screaming in agony. You told some woman from our dental office that you loved her after knowing her for 8 days. and you told her she was your dream girl.

18 years ago, you told me the same thing. You always told me I was your dream girl. I realized it never meant a thing.

You sent me to Iowa alone, with our son after confessing your affair to him and lying further about it to me- to tell our daughter. Alone with our 13 year old son. While you stayed home and rented a hotel room with our dental hygenist and fucked her for the first time.

I remember the first time I met you, and later you came back in looking for me. I was so hesitant to let you in. I was so afraid to love you and I was terrified to allow my 5 yo baby girl to meet you, much less love you. I told my my girlfriends all my fears- and Donna and Regan both told me “ you deserve this so much, stop fighting it, just love him, and let him love you” and I did.

This year was supposed to be our 15 year wedding anniversary, Our daughter, yes, our daughter- who we raised together for the past 18 years- graduated from college this Spring, she didn’t want you there as she was also disgusted with your behavior towards me and the decisions you made that devalued our marriage and my position as your wife. I know you were hurt, and you need to know I was devastated by your decision to stay home and spend those nights with her- now no longer sneaking around getting it in on in her car

In the Walmart parking lot or behind the movie theater during her lunch break, but at the house you helped move her in to. The house where you started to leave personal items; our ladder, your badge, your pillow- and during the daylight hours you continued to call me crazy, an abusive mom, that my daughter was afraid of me, that you had wanted to divorce me for years.

You lied to your family and friends about me, you rewrote our marital history. You fell asleep while I wept in bed next to you and made comments like “ I already told you I was sorry” and “ when do you stop punishing me, and start forgiving me? that’s the only reason you’re doing this- is because you want to punish me!”

I told you I would rather have cancer again then have to go through this pain, and I still stand by that.

I had no idea what kind of pain and agony could come from the dishonesty and betrayal by the one person in the world that I let down all of my walls for. I gave you open access to all of me, because I trusted you, and I believed you.

You layed next to me in our bed while I wept over how you didn’t just betray our marital vows by having sex with her. You gave me away. You told her everything about me- and then added in your lies to make what you were doing feel OK. You told her my life stories and my secrets, my most rewarding moments at work that I ran home to tell you and my most shameful experiences that I I confessed to only you because I knew you would still love me despite my glaring faults. You simply gave me away.

But you treated me like I had done something wrong. You sneered at me, on our anniversary “just be glad it wasn’t 30 years”. And finally “mylife got off track the day I married you.”

One false reconciliation, you didn’t care at all. I was hardly surprised in the end of August when you gave up again and insisted you want to divorce.

I couldn’t live with myself if I were you either.

I know you hate yourself, not that you will ever admit it. I already know. It’s really worthless now, but I probably know you better that anyone in this world- and I know that you hate being this man, you are just too lazy to fix it now. You think it is going to be easier to finish this and move on.

Losing me is the biggest mistake you will ever make. No one will ever love you the way I loved you- and you threw me away. I’ve been really sad and lonely for 9 months, but I’m done now. You can have your divorce, I haven’t been your wife in 9 months anyway- you ended our marriage on March 2nd, the day you lied to me and started planning your cheap nasty affair with Dawn.

You deserve each other. The rest of my life, I’ll make sure your son knows how NOT to be the kind of father and husband that his own dad became.

Yeah- thanks for the email reminding me to pay the house payment.

I’d like to tell you- you’ve got bigger problems than thus as I heard your OW/now wife is sleeping around on you !!!!

I’d like to tell you, but it’s much funnier watching and laughing at ur stupid self!!!!

NC , no response to you feels awesome!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:23 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

Why can’t you be normal and just ‘do’ what needs to be done. Why do you have to blame shift and lie?

I am sitting in a foreign country where I have realised you are so bad for me. You knew what to say and how to say it to reel me in. But I realised yesterday you are not who I knew. Nothing will ever be enough for you. You say you love me but you don’t. You love appearing to be the big man who looks after his family. But you don’t. Your addiction and need for adulation trumps everything else.

I won’t have to listen to the stories of what you have done, and what you have been through. Never what we are. Never any consideration for what I need. Or how I feel. Always excuses. Always leaving it to me to sort the problems you create.

I love you, but I’m not prepared to continue to do this. It’s over.

Give me the strength to let him go. Not be sucked back in. You would rather leave than show me your phone or tablet, and the lies just continue. I know you are using again, and I’m stupid for pretending it wasn’t happening. Now you can do what you like, you don’t have to hide it anymore or lie.

This is it. There’s no coming back from this.

God I wish I never fucking met you!!! My children were meant to be my children, so why the actual fuck did I ever choose YOU to be their father?!? They deserve so much fucking better than you'll ever be able to provide. You are a STUPID MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

A year ago today is the last loving memory I have of us as a family. Mummy, a daddy who protected and loved us and two small little boys just two and four. Their daddy was their hero, you were my best friend. You’d always have my back. It’s a year ago today that I last thought that.

Everything changed a year ago tomorrow. My world was scary and unkind. You were a monster. You were critical and mentally abusive. I thought I was going crazy. You were texting her how amazing she was, how clever, how funny, how pretty.., things you used to write to me.

It was a year ago today that I last felt safe with you. I last felt my boys were safe with you.

Your twisted fucked up view of love has destroyed the best thing you ever had. Your perfect family. And we were. And we are. Perfect.

We were yours. Now we’re not and it all began a year ago tomorrow.

I will never understand the excuse that you “just didn’t think.” Why the hell not? You thought enough to meet her there and get in her car.

You didn’t think about my pain ? Our life? 3 1/2 years of rebuilding? Ok. But what about the kids? You can’t stop long enough to consider them?

I’ll never understand. How is this my life?

Your mother is not right in the head and has brought you up to have psychological problems. She is not normal and I wish she would have butted out of our marriage years ago.

Even now you have left and are ducking someone 27 when you are nearly 20 years older leaving while I was pregnant, she still can’t behave normally. She has a lot to answer for.

Why do I keep hoping you will surprise me? Why cant you understand I can’t do this for you and that I am not responsible for your happiness? And you are not responsible for mine.

It was good the first 12 months, and then you became some one who self destructs. Who even though it’s wrong you do it anyway. I’m not perfect, I never told you I was. I haven’t worked as hard as I have on myself for you to change me again. For you to pretend the person you were attracted to, you created. You didn’t. All the lies, and accusations. Stop acting like a single parent and these kids are just your responsibility you said. Well you know what, they are my responsibility, and they are my kids. And you let me down, over and over. You are not capable in any way shape or form of even understanding what they need, what I need. You think just showing up is enough. Well it’s not.

Let me be clear:

No.

Nope.

NOOOOO!

I’m done giving in on everything. I try to work with you, show compassion and understanding, and get walked all over when I do. I’m tired of being asked to bend over backwards, make changes, when you can’t even keep the agreement we made. It hasn’t even been a fiscal quarter, and you’re already trying to rework things! Steps A- Z haven’t been completed either... so what the hell! I know you lied about other stuff too, misrepresenting what you have. Why are you doing this? Afraid of losing control of me? Feel like dragging your heels will hurt me? Trying to avoid paying for your child? Why? What is the hold up?!

So over of being asked to do things differently or having to provide this or that to prove your lying. So over being at the mercy of this process. You brought this shit on yourself and need to deal with the consequences.

So no. Not going to happen right now. Keep delaying, keep misrepresenting, keep withholding and we’ll have no choice but to sort this out the way that inconveniences representation and municipalities.

You are such an ass hat!

Just get out of my bloody head! You want to work it out huh? You’ve loved me like no body else huh? You want to get well for me huh?

Well, why don’t you stop lying about the most insignificant shit and do what needs to be done. Stop playing the fucking victim! You are not! You made those choices!

And stop letting your mother being the POS she is. She screwed up! I didn’t push someone out of my house!

Not the holiday I had in mind. You are a cheater, liar and evil. I will survive. After all another court date rescheduled. Fucking ASSHOLE

How could you do this to our little boy he is so vulnerable

Your new girlfriend is really ugly

Just WHY

Your parents shaped you into who you are

A coddled spoilt boy

I wish we could sort it out and be together again

Yes I am this screwed up

26 years

My whole life

I've now found indifference. I don't love you, I don't hate you. You are just someone I used to know for 40 years. Seeing you yesterday confirmed it.

I felt nothing.

Just sign, you bloody twat!

NC was good. I was doing good and you came back to the US. I don't know how to let go of my emotions. They overcome me. You bastard. You are rewriting history and then tell our 20 year old all these lies. I don't know if I should confront this. Our 20 year old was blaming me about something that has nothing to do with what you did. You started blameshifting and now he's blaming me about something in the past.

You have to take everything from me. I'm tired of fighting. I tired of trying to survive. I'm working so damn hard.

Should I stay NC or confront? I'm so angry and upset.

I thought I was over all of this. I thought I was healing, but I'm not. Too much emotions.

You have yet another OW, so why come bother me? Why do you have to take more and more? You have houses overseas, you have her and another and 3 other kids. Leave me alone.

I have to be pro active, but I'm so tired of fighting this.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:22 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

I am not scared of starting again

Of being on my own

Of making a new life

No

But you hurt me so bad

You betrayed me

You who were all I ever knew

Have done this to me

I want so much to text you and yell at you! Suddenly you want to sell the house and get real estate agents in here NOW. You snap your fingers and everyone is supposed to jump and you act like you are being so very reasonable and trying to be fair. I am so tired of this. I knew who you were a while ago and was so very afraid of you. I knew all of this was coming, but didn't know how to prepare for it all. I feel like everything is my fault and people telling me that I allowed it. I know that others are upset for me and at me. I'm trying to deal with a NPD. An oily slimey snake.

You took my car that I was paying the installments and insurance on for a year and a half with no money from you. I told you that the furnace broke again and your answer was good luck. You want to sell the house now. you snap your fingers and everyone is supposed to jump. You suspend some magical carrot that we are supposed to run after and do your bidding. You present the options as though you are being fair, and if the those options are really toxic then there is a punishment for not taking them because you are being so reasonable. You are saying that I'm so bad and it's all my fault. I used all the equity in the house?? WTF???? are you kidding me? you are the one who took out that loan on the house. NOt me. and you expected that I pay for it? What is wrong with you? It's like the car. I made the payments and then you wanted it because it was in your name. If I was somehow able to pay that loan in your name and then suddenly you wanted to sell the house? You would just take it anyway. What the hell are you talking about? Your offers are poison and toxic. No one wants to listen to me anymore. It's like all the crap you give me is somehow supposed to slide off me? there is no where to vent and to let go. No one to tell me that I'm doing ok.

I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. I’m worried about you. You’re not listening. I know that you and her are on your last legs, I know that you barely see each other. I have no idea if it’s you or her, I suspect it’s her. I know you and you’d be desperate to try and prove that you’d done this for ‘something’ so you’ll cling on to the last moment. Maybe you’re still convincing yourself it’s love, I just don’t know.

But what I do know is that you’re not mentally healthy. I know you punish yourself. I know you exercise through pain, you punched that punch bag so hard and for so long you have friction burns on your knuckles, I know you cycle long distances on a bad hip. Please stop. You aren’t doing the boys and I any favours punishing yourself like this.

I’ve asked you to go and see our doctor, I’ve asked you to read books, listen to podcasts, talk to a counsellor, I can’t bare that you’re in pain.

Don’t get me wrong I also think you’re a huge idiot who is self pitying and regretful, still so bloody self centred BUT I want to see that change. I want you to show the boys and I, that you can put them first for the first time in over a year and take proper care of yourself and that means going to seek medical help.

You’re still their daddy, their hero, be their hero and get well, for their sakes.

Maybe it’s the brainwashing from the valentines display I pass daily, but I miss you every now and then. Sometimes I go so far as to wish that we could be a family again, like it was before all the known deception and lies. You know, the days of blissful ignorance, the facade of us “fighting” together against the bullshit of the outside world, the book of lies that I fell for day after day. Or a family stronger in the aftermath of the brokenness caused by your affairs, but with you busting your ass to be a honest man, apologetic and changed.

Then you go and do some stupid shit. Work my nerves. Be a selfish prick at DS expense. Put your head back up your ass.

Just. Like. You. Always. Do.

And that shit snaps me back to reality. I step out of my hopium fog and take a big hit of reality, inhaling truth and seeing you as the immature, weak little man you are. Our marriage was built on lies, our child was conceived after the beginning of your double life, the home I made for us was nothing more than a house of cards & a hookup hotel. Fuck man, I can’t even have the start of our kids life untainted!

Everything is alllllll about you. Even with the counseling, the consequences, the fall out. Everything is “I, me, mine.” The conversations, the events, the stuff. Everything proposed is on your terms, until I shut that shit down with reality.

Do you not get it? This isn’t a pissing contest! Nobody wins. We all lose!!!

What do you want? Control? No responsibility? Zero consequences?

I got out of your world, I just wish I could get you out of my head, out of my heart.