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Your feelings are completely normal, and you've shown remarkable restraint. I have never once lost my temper and was proud of how I behaved later. It's okay. Your feelings are real.

That being said, she has a very long road ahead of her if she really wants you. The path you're on is the most logical one given everything. Continue with the divorce and observe her behavior. Or not. Leave her in the dust and move on. You need to take care of you now.

Think of it like this. There's a whole world of women who have not betrayed you. Is she really worth it? Your own "Twin Flame" may be waiting on you after you recover. Oh, and she really is not very smart. To actually believe she wasn't busted would require someone dumber than a box of hammers and to think she could talk her way out of it would require she be exceptionally self-centered and unrepentant.

As for the POSOM, put that energy into improving yourself. Get a punching bag and tape a picture of his face to it. Go to town on that thing and it should help burn off some of that aggression.

[This message edited by 1994 at 2:30 AM, Wednesday, February 28th]

Please don't beat yourself up about getting angry.

I raged like a freaking lunatic whenever I found out a bit more trickle truth or lies of omission. It was like death by a 1000 cuts. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Your wife did tell you the truth. However, she could have said it's over and just walk away. She owes the POS no explanation. None. NC means NC. She broke it.

Get to the gym to release some of your anger. I used to go in my car for a long drive and scream blood curdling screams.

Whatever helps you calm down and stay calm.

It's not easy. I became someone I didn't recognize after my WH affair.

First and most important is to take care of your own mental and emotional health. You have received several painful revelations and your anger and frustration is normal. You have suffered a real trauma. Take care of you. Focus on your health. Get rest, eat healthy, exercise. Get into IC if you can. Give yourself a break and chance to rejuvenate.

It’s good that your WW called to confess, but she should never have met with him. She is a long way from where she needs to be. She still thinks of the AP as a victim of her fantasy. Which is horse manure. She needs to see him as much of a destroyer and negative influence in her M as she sees herself.

Watch her actions, not her words. Give yourself grace. Take a breath. Then decide what you want. Just know that if you choose to pursue R in the long run, your WW needs to do tons of work on herself to even begin to demonstrate that she is worthy of R. She needs IC to figure out how she could betray you in this manner. She needs to do this for herself whether your M continues or not.

Take care of you. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:37 AM, Wednesday, February 28th]

the rage is normal, but do find an outlet for it.
And you deserve better.

Righteous anger, just dont get mired down by it.

I agree she is not where she needs to be mentally but wayward spouses almost never are this early in the process. Telling you about the conversation was good but letting it go on for so long shows that she still cares about him. This is very common but incredibly frustrating. If she does the difficult work of understanding herself then this should pass. But not everyone can do that work successfully. That's a risk anyone takes when offering reconciliation, it may not work out.

I think she is showing mixed signs of progress right now and is in the normal zone for someone who had such an intense affair. So she may be able to become a good candidate for reconciliation. That,however, does not mean that you are a good candidate for offering reconciliation after having been this deeply betrayed. I think it will take more time for you to understand how you are really feeling and also to observe if she continues to progress toward where she needs to be.

I wonder if she has been smoking all along or if this stress caused her to start again.

Your anger is not misplaced.

What is disturbing to me is that your WW prioritized justifying to her AP why she cannot see him anymore, over your feelings and request for NC.

If she had to say something to AP, it should have been a simple 'f**k off AP'. Short, sharp, and to the point.

Instead, she took 30mins of consciously needing to justify and possibly 'let him down gently'. There does not seem to be much respect for the boundary of NC with the AP.

she has been repeatedly trying to get in touch with me. I was furious, so I didn't bother to pick up her calls.

This is why she confessed. You weren't answering her calls,which set off her alarm bells. She knows the wife of your friend works with them. She talked to him, for an hour. She knew she was caught. She then "confessed" because she knew she was caught.

Again..polygraph. Speaking as a woman..when a man won't leave me alone, the last thing I'm going to do is go have an hour long conversation with him. "Fuck off" works well. Add in, she was leaving..therefore his ability to contact her(provided she blocked him), would have taken care of having to deal with his repeated attempts.

Agree with Hellfire. She would never have told you if she hadn't realized that your friend had seen her. There's really not much to work with hee.

However, she could have said it's over and just walk away. She owes the POS no explanation. None. NC means NC. She broke it.

THIS. Thank you. I thought I was the only one who believed she didn't owe him any explanation. 

She still thinks of the AP as a victim of her fantasy

True. He is the enemy of our marriage. It frustrated me to know that she believed he deserved an apology from her. That shitsack deserves nothing but a kick on his ass. I want her to hate him as much as I do. But is that even a reasonable expectation?

To actually believe she wasn't busted would require someone dumber than a box of hammers

She knew she was caught. She then "confessed" because she knew she was caught.

I don't know if she knew she was caught. The fact that she didn't come clean about smoking makes me think that she didn't know she was caught. But it doesn't matter. The fact that she talked to him without my consent is too much for me. She may have had good intentions, but I can't overlook the fact that, yet again, I wasn't factored in when she made the decision to spend time with him for whatever reasons. Again, I was just an afterthought for her. What's worse is that she shared personal details with him again without my consent. She knew I wouldn't consent to that. Maybe that's why she didn't seek my permission before talking to him. If she doesn't recognize the problem in this, then I shouldn't expect any positive change in her overall behavior.

You have every right to be pissed. And to D her for the whole betrayal.

If you want to consider R, it helps to remember that it takes most waywards some time and many mistakes to "get it" and understand what they need to do. The book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair is helpful.

The book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair is helpful.

Thank you for that recommendation. I will ask my wife to read that book.

Just be prepared for the declarations of love.

If she declares her love for him, then that would make my choice very easy.

[This message edited by twinflamed at 4:51 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

I’m sure the declarations of love will be directed at you. But it’s all window dressing.

She doesn’t know how to rebuild a relationship after infidelity. She needs to go off and learn. Months if not years of therapy with an infidelity specialist.

How are you doing. Take a long time for yourself. Make no promises. This was intentional. She showed she cared more about talking to him than how you would be affected by it.

She has proven she is not a safe partner no matter what she says.

Check in when you can..

How are you Twinflamed?

How are you Twinflamed?

I am not doing well, sir. I am going through massive triggers, one after another. I was at first doing okay when I came here to my parents home. But now that the numbness has worn off, there is nothing to shield me from the triggers and pain anymore. Recently, a friend of mine who knows about my predicament was trying to comfort me, but in her attempt, she did the exact opposite. She was telling me about the story of her friend, who was also a cheater. She was constantly referring to this cheater as a "girlfriend' of her AP. She was saying things like, "This woman was a married woman with a child, but she was also a girlfriend of this other guy for many years." It was a massive trigger for me. It's not the affair story that triggered me the most. It's the term 'girlfriend'. People in this forum don't use terms like 'lovers', 'bf/gf', etc., to define cheaters in a relationship. AP is the common term here, and it's the least triggering term for me. I later tried to correct her by saying, "She wasn't his girlfriend. She was his affair partner." She replied, "What's the difference? GF/BF or AP, they all mean and act the same way. It's all just semantics." She is not wrong. They all mean the same, and yet, I experience varying degrees of trigger for all these terms. I immediately imagined my wife and her AP referring to and introducing each other as BF and GF to other people. It stung me hard. Lately, I have been realizing that it's not the extramarital sex that hurts the most. It's these little things these people do in their affairs. These things make such relations more real, legitimate, and less fanciful. Day by day, I am finding it hard to believe that their affair was just a fantasy. It's weighing me down.

Anyway, I talked to a lawyer. My options seem manageable. However, he did advise me to wait until my wife gets a new job before I move forward with divorce proceedings. I had already told my wife that I would be talking to a lawyer, and she should do the same. She is begging me not to go the D route. She is pleading with me to give her another chance. She is sending me love messages almost every day. She even offered to come here and try to 'explain' things and to apologize again for her recent NC violation. I reminded her that I came here for peace and privacy. Her coming here will only make things worse for us. She seems desperate. She even offered me a free pass. She is losing it. She is not thinking rationally. I advised her to make proper use of this separation to figure out her flaws and get hold of her messy mind. I advised her that she shouldn't delay her therapy. I recommended to her a book that you mentioned in your previous post. Thank you for that. 

There is a lot of anger in me right now that is fueling my cold treatment of her. It's the anger that is pushing me towards D. I came here with a clear mind. But I am not having it. I don't think I will have it anytime soon.

Your friend is right, even if the names change, the emotions experienced in the relationship are the same.

I'm sorry, I don't want to propose separation, but I think these events cannot be called just a relationship.

It wasn't just sex between them, she lived/tried with AP by postponing gifts, holidays, postponing visiting her husband in the hospital, concerts, birthdays, meals etc. every plan made with you.

time spent together and apologizing to her when leaving work;sad that she had to leave the ap

Like you, she is trying to stay in the relationship by thinking about the past, family, etc. Say you want to ask if she like AP on the polygraph

Say you want to ask if she like AP on the polygraph

I still haven't decided to give her another chance. I would go for poly only if I decided to give her another chance.

I wish you peace and hope you can find it.

If you do speak or text with your WW, And I don’t recommend you do that often, I’d simply remind her that there is no explanation beyond "I fucked up…. Again".

She hasn’t learned what it means to be a truly remorseful person who thinks of what her BS is going through and focus’ on your pain more than her own.

I agree, she needs to start therapy. You each have a long road ahead of you even if you take the path of D.

Have you started with a Trauma Specialist or at least done the work to find one? I think they can go a long way to help with your intrusive thoughts.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:07 PM, Saturday, March 9th]

Have you started with a Trauma Specialist or at least done the work to find one? I think they can go a long way to help with your intrusive thoughts.

I did look when I was back at homeplace. I did find one therapist who seemed qualified in infidelity-inflicted trauma treatment, but after attending his first two sessions, I realized he wasn't helpful to me. He repeatedly told me that both husband and wife are the cause of infidelity. "Infidelity is a symptom of a bad marriage",  he said. So he also blamed me for my wife's affair. Through his various advice and recommendations, he was instructing me on how to 'win' my wife back and 'save' my marriage. In other words, my wife is a prize that I lost partly because of my own personal failings. He did say some useful stuff, but his overall message didn't fit well with me. 

I should look for another IC. I will start looking once I go back to my homeplace.

So he also blamed me for my wife's affair. Through his various advice and recommendations, he was instructing me on how to 'win' my wife back and 'save' my marriage.

Fire this therapist and never see him again. You could have been the biggest jerk on the planet and that still gives your wife ZERO excuse for what she did. She could have / should have spoken up, expressed her unhappiness, and then left you. Those are reasonable actions. Good for you on not tolerating anyone who tries to pin ANY blame for her adultery on you.

Yep. Finding a good therapist is trial and error. Dont give up.