SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know scared.

I know it feels like going to Mars. Total unknown.

This is your precious life. We are all scared for you.

Please please please free yourself and give yourself a precious gift of a second chance.

There is no future but pain for you and the baby there.
You're not in a prison. You can go. Fear and uncertainty is holding you.

Pray for strength. I want you to have a life of joy and contentment.

That house has nothing but darkness. You're in danger.

His infidelities are irrelevant, as is his possible sexual addiction.
He could be totally sexually loyal to you and even abstain from all forms of sex or porn or flirting for years.
The issue is that all his actions towards you – way beyond the infidelity to the marriage – are classic control and abuse actions.
We have shared what you need to do.

I’m just afraid to be alone.

You ARE alone. That's the mindfuck of abusive relationships. There's no reciprocity. No emotional intimacy. And eventually, no matter how much or how long you continue investing in this relationship, the discard eventually comes, because that's what narcs do. That's the pathology.

Bigger is spot on - the infidelities, possible sex addiction and so on are not the issue. The issue is he's an abuser.

Infidelity is one of the most powerful coercive weapons in the abuser's arsenal. He's using infidelity to diminish your self-esteem, tear down your confidence and increase feelings of vulnerability. Which leaves you feeling powerless, humiliated and threatens ANY feelings of safety and security within the relationship. The isolation (aloneness!) and denigration you describe are common feelings associated with infidelity - even when domestic violence is not present. Which serves his goal to control your social behaviors and relationships with friends and family - so you keep quiet about the abuse. That feeling of being alone also contributes to feeling trapped in the relationship. Entrapment is key to his coercive control over you. So, in a nutshell, cheating is part and parcel with domestic abuse. It's a tool he's using to manipulate you, to isolate you. I hope this makes sense.

It's good you talked to a domestic abuse organization and are working with a therapist. These humans care about you - so you are not alone. I bet these folks in real life are also urging to leave NOW. Can you reach out to anyone else IRL - what about family or friends? One of the hallmarks of domestic abuse is the abuser often forces a break with family and friends to further tighten control over their victims. Maybe this happened to you? Don't isolate yourself in this hell he created. You're not alone. Get up and dial that phone! Get up, pack that bag and leave! My thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:17 AM, Monday, November 21st]

I see everyone telling me to leave and I agree. Here’s another issue. I believe that he has had powerful family helping him harass me. If I leave I know this will continue. It manifests in them isolating me. I’ve had several long time friends tell me they were confronted with threats if they continued to speak with me. So they didn’t. I have been dealing with stalker notes/gifts for many years. How can I get this to stop? I’m afraid this will continue if I try to take custody of my daughter. And that might put her in a dangerous spot. I know this seems bizarre but it’s all what I’ve experienced.

I don’t believe his behavior will improve so I know I should go. I think he and those around him really enjoy messing with me and have zero concern about his kid. I don’t know what to do and that’s also part of why I’ve stayed. Yes I can get a TRO but I’m not sure if that will help or not. Any logical and legal advice is helpful. As are resources. I’m sure I’m not the only woman who has ever been in this situation. The issue is I’m not even sure how to prove it so I can legally get it to end.

These kinds of questions are why domestic abuse centers exist. If you're in the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

If they cannot find you to harass you then you are in a better place. Domestic abuse shelters have the ability to deal with all of this.

He cannot manipulate you if he has no contact with you. Shelters for women make sure if that.

You need to get to a DV shelter ASAP, get a TRO, and file for divorce.

You need to start reporting every incident of stalking and harassment to the police. If you know people who have been threatened by your husband and his family, have them come with you to corroborate your story.

Basically, if you’re going to keep custody of your kid and protect yourself and your child, you need paper trail that will back you up and you need to explore every single legal option that’s available to you.

You don’t have the option of sticking your head in the sand and waiting until "you’re ready." You’re in danger.

Bluer:

I have considered doing all this, yes. And I’ve been in contact with domestic violence advocates. I have reported all stalking to police. This includes the letter I got, the weird gifts over the years, and unusual incidences with people randomly threatening me both online and in person.

I have kept some notes on this, but not as good as I could have. My husband has given me an almost complete picture unwittingly of how some of this has been pulled off over time by listening to who he has connections with, how he would go about destroying a person, and it all adds up and checks out with what I’ve experienced so far over the last 6 plus years.

My issue is, no one will listen to this. And because most people aren’t familiar with what lengths domestic abusers will go to to ensure control of a victim. Most won’t believe me or listen to what I say. There’s pretty sufficient evidence imo that there’s stalking going on and there’s been several times he’s known I was at locations he should have had zero indication that I was there over many years. He often says if I left he wouldn’t pursue me in any way. But I think that’s because he knows he has other footholds over me regardless of whether I leave or stay.

We live in a digital age and with a few good connections it isn’t hard to find someone or observe them. Even from across the globe. That’s the main thing I want to figure out how to fix legally. I suppose I need to keep reaching out to legal counsel, shelters, etc to get my answers here.

Oh and as far as the friends that told me they were threatened. They stopped talking to me and apparently the intimidation worked. This particular friend my husband has made odd comments about many times. And my husband has expressed interest in knowing these friendships ended and seemed to derive pleasure from that. He has said that if he wanted to destroy someone he would completely isolate them.

[This message edited by DistraughtInDistance9 at 2:24 AM, Saturday, November 26th]

Your husband is not omnipotent; he’s just emotionally, mentally, and physically battered you down so that you believe that he is.

I’m glad you’ve reported and documented his abuse at least in some way. Now get yourself to a DV shelter as soon as possible.

Every escape starts with one step out the door.

He is a monster! Leave!

You left him once and went back.

You've described him as evil.

You said he hit you. When you were pregnant.

You said he got your friends to abandon you.

You said he seems to know wherever you go.

You're seeing a therapist.

You say you know you should leave but that you can't. You haven't explained why you can't.

You say you're concerned that no one will believe you.

In your first post, you asked for legal advice and advice for how to get through it emotionally. Almost without exception, every single person who has read your story has given you the advice to call DV Hotline or leave, that you are married to someone who is going to escalate more and more. But one thing you could do to stop some of the insanity is to quit asking him about his cheating, about where he's going, what he's doing and with who. It makes no difference anymore so I hate to see you wasting your emotional strength trying to discuss things with a man when there is a really simple way to know when he's lying (his lips are moving).

I read all of this and wish there was a way for us to help you truly realize the danger you are in and the terrible, awful life the future holds for you daughter if she lives in the same house as that monster. Her life is forming now. Her attachments to people are starting now. Her perceptions of the world and people is starting now. You mentioned that your family is toxic. But that doesn't answer the question of whether they'd be willing to help you. Are they truly toxic or did he convince you that they're toxic? Are they so toxic that you're in greater danger of bodily harm (or worse) being with them than you are with him?

The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave.

I don't think there is any legal advice anyone can give you because the stalking, etc. is all just "stuff" designed to get you to put up with the lying, the cheating, the gaslighting and the physical abuse. So it doesn't matter if no one believes you about the stalking because the stalking isn't what has the potential to seriously harm you. Same with his friends. It doesn't matter what they believe.

You don't have to prove any of those things in order to get a divorce. You don't have to prove any of those things to get help from DV services. You don't have to prove any of those things to have a consultation with an attorney.

I wish you the best.

I have been in your shoes. I was married to an abusive narcissistic sociopath for 30 years.
I get your not ready to leave. We are never "ready ".
There will always be some hope that he will change that holds us back. He won’t change. He gets a thrill out of seeing you like this. I know that’s textbook behavior for a narc.
Take you child and get out NOW. Don’t look back, no matter what he says or does, if his mouth is moving, he’s lying. Sorry/not sorry for being so blunt. This is life or death. That’s one of the the thoughts that finally got me to go. I had a cop ask me if I was waiting for the narc to hurt and possibly kill me. He asked me if I wanted the narc to raise our kids. That woke me up.
I know it’s scary. I know how alone you must feel. But we are here for you. As well as the dv shelter.
Do you go to church/ temple, mosque, etc? These are also great places for support.
Good luck, God bless, and keep us posted!

You have received some great advice, now you need to act on it. I know it is scary, but you are in a domestic violence situation and you need to get out of it ASAP. I have worked in child welfare and from the professional standpoint, if you stay in this, your child will end up not in your custody and in foster care. If you leave, that could ensure your child stays with you. If you stay, courts no longer want to see somebody stay with an abuser and allow the child to do the same. They would be willing to help you make the escape plan, but if you remain in the situation, they will lose sympathy fast in regards to the child staying there. Get out now. Use the DV shelters. That’s a start. I’m not trying to scare you with this, but I am giving you point blank information from what I have seen and had to do 100 times.

Everyone here at SI believes you. The people who run these shelters will believe you.

The DV shelters have seen it all and have experts to protect you and will protect you as well.

You have a safe place to go. You don’t need to contact him and you no longer need to speak to him. A lawyer will represent you. Shelters will hide you safely.

You just need to believe in yourself. You need to have faith. And prayers.

Once you leave him you will no longer have access to your phone etc. That is step 1 in stopping the abuse.

You become unreachable. Go for it

I was trapped for a while too, I stayed with my husband because we couldn't afford to split up. I know this sounds silly but until you can get out of that situation you can help yourself get emotionally stronger. As long as you understand that there is no future, start building YOUR life for you and your precious little one.

I agree with everyone here too, this is a terrible place to be. But, I'm like you and couldn't afford to go. Is there a separate bedroom you can stay in?

Some things you should know:

1. What happens if he gets physical again? Have a plan...call a friend or authorities. Know that he CANNOT get physical with you again, men can be very abusive when their wives are pregnant. My God that's sad but true.

2. Know exactly how much money you need to leave and start working on getting out. Get a second job if you have to for more money and to get away from him. Set a goal. Reach that goal and get out. Start researching apartments, know the costs.

3. Even if you don't have a lawyer yet, get a couple of phone numbers and call for an initial consultation. These are often free. Reach out to women's services in your area to see if they can help with a bed, etc. A lot of lawyers know where you can get help.

I'm not saying leave right now but start making your plan. I hate to think of you pregnant sleeping in a car, makes me so mad!!!! Don't let on anything about your plan. When the time comes, execute that plan and get out. He doesn't need to know until you're GONE!

Take care sweetheart, you and your baby deserve more and the sad and harsh reality is that you cannot depend on this man.

Thank you everyone for responding.

Erinha-

When you say call someone about the abuse, what does that constitute? He’s very sneaky about it and he’ll turn it around on me if I involve police. I had some opportunities to do this like when he assaulted me while pregnant. But now it’s harder. I very much regret not doing that. He feels no remorse. He gaslights everyone around me about it and claims it was an accident. It definitely was not.

He does stuff lately like break things, yell, and raise his fist to me when I’m talking about something he doesn’t like. The instances of physical violence are somewhere between 7 times. But he’s being more careful lately because he knows I will call police if he does anything violent.

I’ve been wrestling with this one because I know that police involvement in the right instance will help me in the future with custody and a TRO.

He is still breaking into my car and smearing stuff on my windows, and screwing his mistress in there when I’m at home or work. At this point I have zero doubt it’s him. He’s even admitted to it once then pretended he never said it. I have been parking the car in weird locations on purpose to test if he or she is tracking me. So far the evidence suggests strongly they are somehow.

Deena4: this is helpful, thanks. CPS was involved in this situation and my daughter was removed. I was actually very glad they did this because of what was going on. I didn’t tell them everything because I didn’t know what would happen if I did. Later on I called the DV advocate through them and told her everything to ensure he wouldn’t get custody in the future. But there’s regret on my part for not telling them everything. They might have been able to help me and I might not have lost my daughter. Maybe they could have involved law enforcement so I could get help with the stalking. I don’t know. They aren’t involved anymore because my dad has custody. Can they still help me? Also, as a side note. My husband threatened several CPS workers for taking our daughter. I considered reporting that because he’s terrifying when he gets a grudge. But I’m scared what will happen if I do. He is so insane. He thinks it’s their fault she was taken. He’s narcissistic. He can’t seem to comprehend it’s entirely his fault. And partially mine, for staying, and for feeding into the arguing and anger at him in front of my daughter. That was wrong of me. Any advice helps because I’m totally alone and being persecuted.

Imsodone:

I’m sorry you went through a similar situation. Unfortunately I see a lot of parallels between others who were with me who are narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths. I still believe him to be more than a narcissist because of how vindictive he is. But who am I to argue with clinicians? I agree. Its constant lies. I’ve learned to know what he’s really doing by watching his behavior not his words. When he goes to work and is working a lot on his smell and appearance. He’s going to get laid by the OW. Who btw I also believe is narcissistic or something herself. He told me partial truths and apparently their relationship started with her admitting she always wanted to have an affair with a married man. Then went back to our bed with him knowing I was pregnant.

JosieP:

I am not leaving mostly because of finances. But I also am afraid to be alone again. And I’m afraid of what he’s going to do when I do leave. He will most certainly retaliate because I’m taking his daughter away. Not because he cares about her. But because he likes finding ways to justify his abusive behavior. I know the way he thinks.

He will continue to stalk, harass me, hack into my devices, etc when I leave. He was doing that before we got married. I suspected it but confirmed it after I understood more of how it was being done. On this I feel help less. I can’t find anyone who will do anything or even believe me. I’ve tried private investigators and they all say no too.

On not asking him what he’s doing and stuff. I agree with you. But I tell you it’s incredibly difficult. I’ve known him a long time and it’s so sad he chose to do this to me. I hate not saying anyone because I feel like I’m giving him silent consent to continue. He’s expressed many times that’s what he wants. Not to be bothered. He wants to live his disgusting abusive double life in peace. Anything I say or do though he just uses to slander me to everyone around him.

And my daughter will never be around him. I made sure of that at least. I will continue to do so. She’s not in our custody, the state knew better. I just have to convince the person she’s with he’s a snake. He manipulated him heavily.

Bluer:

I know that would be the normal circumstances. But trust me when I say he’s got extremely powerful connections he’s utilizing to do this stuff to me. It might be beyond some peoples understanding. But I’ve been watching it go on for years. He’s been mounting this sick attack against me for over six years. He calls himself a predator and me the prey. His family has connections to top secret military, etc. I recognized some of the stuff he’s done as black ops stuff. His family is in all that. It seems impossible to get away from and he doesn’t seem to want to show any mercy. He’s the most terrifying domestic abuser that I’ve ever encountered and he’s incredibly good at manipulating people into his circle. Even the facts of him putting me in the hospital at 6 months pregnant sound like he’s talking about washing the dishes when he explains it to someone from his minimizing perspective.

STOP worrying about all his antics and monitoring. Run for your life. I was going to suggest to you that your daughter will be his next abuse victim (after all, by punching you in the stomach while you were pregnant, he already TRIED to kill her) ....and YOU could be charged with failure to protect -- but I see you are saying the daughter is 'with someone else.' Don't choose HIM and your hopes he will change -- and let your daughter be raised by someone else. YOU have the power to change all this.

Once again:
Call a domestic abuse hotline.

There are solutions to your situation.

You get to a shelter - immediately.

You ditch your phone.

You have someone go through your car for bugs or tracking devices before you go to the shelter.

When he has no access or contact and cannot find you, your nightmare of violence and abuse starts to end.