SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CoderMom

Infidelity is very difficult to work through and completely heal from. The betrayal is horrible. I know as I have been there, twice, and the cheating they did will never, ever escape my memory. My life has forever been horribly changed by their actions and it has now been almost 20 years since the last marriage ended and I still have not been able to heal this part of my life. New relationships still seem to be affected by the pain of the past.

It certainly is. I am so sorry that happened to you. I've been living through it for 25 years. It will be forever burned in my mind, too. I just pray that trauma therapy can at least help me manage it so it doesn't consume me. I need to move on. I deserve peace.

OnTheOtherSideOfHell

Emotionally divorce him. He’s gone so much anyways. Think of him as a paycheck. No need to make it a legal divorce if it hurts you financially. Heal yourself while essentially being a single woman. Then, the future whether legally divorced or not will be easier to handle. In other words, heal your wounds before you have to figure out your finances. This is actually a gift for you amongst the shit show.

You know, that's an option I've been considering as well. Once bills are paid down and life is more manageable, I'll divorce him, sell the house and move on with half the money.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:40 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

With half of YOUR (as a couple) money. It is half yours.

Start looking into jobs you can do after the divorce to supplement your income. It's the rare person who is incapable of doing anything at all. Please see a few attorneys as soon as he leaves and get a divorce/separation going as soon as you are able. You will feel so much better once you are free of this man who has never appreciated all that you are and all that you give.

FunHouseMirror

With half of YOUR (as a couple) money. It is half yours.

Start looking into jobs you can do after the divorce to supplement your income. It's the rare person who is incapable of doing anything at all. Please see a few attorneys as soon as he leaves and get a divorce/separation going as soon as you are able. You will feel so much better once you are free of this man who has never appreciated all that you are and all that you give.

I'm afraid that I am unable to work and on LTD so my income is fixed. Combined, we would survive when he retires, separated, we are both doomed. The cost of rent for an apartment here would take over half of my income and the same for him. We can't afford to keep the house because the cost with upkeep/insurance/property taxes is more than a 1 bdr apartment. This is such a mess. I forget about the reality of it all for awhile and then, boom, it just slaps me in the face. Like now as I type this. I fear that I'll never wake up from this bloody nightmare.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:41 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. His betrayal is devastating and it really rocks you to your core. I do know.

You are going to have some space from him soon to help you figure out your next steps. I highly recommend you leave and go somewhere for a few hours when he goes. You need to start distancing yourself from him-- he is poison to you right now (and it sounds like he always has been) and you need to cleanse yourself!

After he is gone, I recommend doing a little rearranging of the house. Move him out of your bedroom (do you have space, like a spare room?) Every little bit of his things need to go in that other space- clothes, Axe spray, shaving cream, change drawer, belts, jackets whatever-- OUT. Reclaim your bedroom for ONLY you- if you can, paint it YOUR favorite color, redecorate to your taste. Create a space where you can be you and you don't have him crowding you.

Who is still living in your house with you? It may be time to encourage anyone left living with you to find their own space. Why is he supporting all his kids and his 6 grandkids (I think that is what you wrote earlier?)

You have some hard things to think about. Whether you'd be better off less financially stable but free from his chronic soul crushing behavior OR financially stable, but subject to a toxic demeaning life? The fact you've been killing yourself for YEARS to be Good Enough makes me want to cry for you. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to have to be around that. I'm wondering if your soul will be at peace if you can break away from him.

Lastly, please reach out to the OBS anyway. You only know his AP's status because your H told you, and we already know he is a liar. Frankly, he only knows because SHE told him and she also is a liar. With regards to the OBS, you don't know anything.

You said he "doesn't know who he's become."

He's a cheater. A serial cheater. He's been this person for a very long time.

Call her husband and tell him about the affair. Your husband is a liar. You know this. Just because he says her husband knows,doesn't mean he knows. I bet he doesn't.

Don't tell your husband you are calling her husband. He will warn the ow,who will tell her husband you're crazy,and jealous of all of your husband's female friends.

Expose the affair. The chances of her leaving her husband for yours will go down rapidly.

I feared being left with nothing and starting over at 54.

Sorry you find yourself here after 25 years.

You will really need legal advice about your finances. You may end up better than you think. I had a very high earning colleague who was having an affair with a much younger woman, feeling ever the mighty stud in his 50's, then came the divorce and final disposition of assets. He had worked for 20+ years at our company and had a primo retirement plan that no longer was available to us newer and younger people.

He came back from court devastated, shocked out of his hubris.

His entire retirement account was awarded to his now ex wife. The court basically told him "you make a lot of money, she doesn't and stayed home to raise the kids, so she gets the house, the retirement, and you get to start saving up again".

Yes, he is a cheater and always has been. There, it’s in black and white. Actually admitting and accepting this physically makes me want to vomit. My stomach is in knots. I’m still struggling with accepting that 25 years was all a lie and time I’ll never get back. It takes my breath away knowing that life as I know it is about to drastically change. The people he’s confided in already have pulled away from me. I’m completely alone in this. How is that fair?! He’s the bad guy here, so why am I left suffering all of the consequences? I’m running on fumes. I can’t sleep even with sleeping pills. I hate him. Hate him for everything he has put me through and I still remained loyal. I don’t like that word, but right now I don’t know what other one is appropriate.

Knowing that my lifestyle is about to change knocks the wind from me. Alone, I won’t have a house, I may not even have an apartment. I might only be able to afford to rent a room. There won’t be anymore vacations. Hell, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to have a car. This was not in the plan. Not even remotely on my radar. How in the world do I get out of this hell? My brain won’t shut off and my heart won’t stop hurting.

I don’t even know what to write anymore. I feel like I’m just talking in circles and wasting everyone’s time.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:43 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

Friend – When a poster states that they can’t divorce because of finances THAT is very seldom the truth…
The truth is in most cases that finances are used as an excuse for inaction.
There can be numerous reasons for that inaction. One simply being you don’t want to divorce. Well… if you can find a way to have a marriage with this man based on what he’s willing to compromise on then focus on creating that marriage. Only remember that if that leaves you unhappy you are only unhappy for reasons of yourself alone.

The finances…
What sort of job requires he spend this much time away? If it’s a low-paying manual job then why not work locally? I’m guessing something more specialized/specific like on an oil-field or at sea or mining… something that makes demands for being away, but pays better than digging a ditch in your local town.
If that’s the case… why aren’t the funds returning home? Why are you two so financially strapped?
Could it be that he’s spending it on-site, like in wining and dining the OW? Keeping 2 lifestyles?

I hate and avoid assumptions but I would be willing to bet that if you were to add his income and your income and then withdraw the outflow of money then his expenditures would be significantly higher than anything you are doing.

What he can afford if you divorce… not your issue.

Have you consulted with an attorney about what divorce would look like? Have you consulted with a counselor that has explained how being single might impact your LTD, grants, support and such?
He’s 65… If you hardly make ends meet now when he’s pulling a paycheck then how is this sustainable once he’s retired – be it by choice or for medical reasons. I get it that the on-hand cash will lower, but I am also certain that the outlay of cash will proportionately lower even more, considering your single finances are no longer in the combined pot with his AND paying for his (and OW) lifestyle.

JustNeverEnough, how would you manage if your husband died? What if, out of the blue, he decided to divorce you? You can't completely dismiss that possibility.

In those situations, both of which are outside of your control, you would do whatever you needed to do to manage. If you don't want to remain in a marriage with serial cheater, you can figure out a way to get out. It just might take some time and careful planning.

Bigger:

The finances…

What sort of job requires he spend this much time away? If it’s a low-paying manual job then why not work locally? I’m guessing something more specialized/specific like on an oil-field or at sea or mining… something that makes demands for being away, but pays better than digging a ditch in your local town.

If that’s the case… why aren’t the funds returning home? Why are you two so financially strapped?

Could it be that he’s spending it on-site, like in wining and dining the OW? Keeping 2 lifestyles?

I understand how this can be confusing. There's a lot of factors at play here. He's in a specialized field earning three times what he could make here. There are no decent paying jobs here and we (foolishly) chose this work plan based on having an inheritance that would pay off our mortgage, (there was no money left to inherit) and enough overtime income to pay down debt. We've had to refinance our home and the interest rates are going to kill us. We are paying for two households, that's why expenses are so high. We've had to take on unexpected bills.

All of our income is direct deposit. Everything is joint down to credit cards. I handle the finances. The only investment we have is what our house is worth minus the outstanding mortgage. If we sold now, my share would sustain me for about six years living in a 1 bedroom apartment at current rates.

This whole situation is a damn nightmare and I am absolutely terrified.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:32 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

Take a deep breath JustNeverEnough.

You are dealing with so much right now. Of course you're scared. You don't need to make any definitive moves right now. Take some time to process everything that has happened in your life.

We're here to offer support or bounce ideas off of. Whatever you need.

HUGS

zebra25

Take a deep breath JustNeverEnough.

You are dealing with so much right now. Of course you're scared. You don't need to make any definitive moves right now. Take some time to process everything that has happened in your life.

We're here to offer support or bounce ideas off of. Whatever you need.

HUGS

Zebra25 - Thank you, I truly appreciate that. I'm pretty vulnerable right now and this is the only place I can talk about this and hopefully not be judged. Trust me when I say this is a financial nightmare, he knows it and I know it and I've played out all possible scenarios on spreadsheets. There is no pretty ending with any decision we go with. He won't divorce me because he knows it will ruin both of us and he does not want to go down that road again. This decision is on me. I need to come up with a way out. And I am laughing as I write this, but he was a financial advisor before I met him. That's what is so damn comical about the mess we are in. I can't make this shit up.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:45 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

BluerThanBlue

JustNeverEnough, how would you manage if your husband died? What if, out of the blue, he decided to divorce you? You can't completely dismiss that possibility.

We have life insurance - that's covered. I'm confident he won't divorce me as he knows what we're up against. He won't leave me high and dry. I know many have probably just gasped at that comment, and that's fine. If he divorces me, he knows he has to pay support and unless he marries someone else and combines their income, he won't be able to survive on what's left.

This site is full of wonderful members who have all been where you are and really do care and want to help. Don't be afraid of being judged. That's not what we are here for. Those of us that have been here a long time have heard it all.

Your financial situation and stage of life is understandably causing you a tremendous amount of anxiety. It doesn't really matter how you got where you're at. You need to figure out a plan to move forward.

Keep posting as much as you need to.

I was very concerned about finances when I was considering D, so I get the feeling of despair. I downloaded an free excel budgeting spreadsheet from revenue canada. It had all of the columns labeled and I just had to input various amounts. I created about half a dozen different versions based on various scenarios, from renting/owning with and without kids, working, retiring etc. I went to the CPP/OAS sites to calculate numbers as well.

Once each one was done, I was able to play with the numbers and look at what I could cut. The biggest expense after housing was my vehicle. I looked at life being car free and that helped. I looked at downsizing and what that would look like. All of this helped me wrap my head around the idea that I had options and could survive.

What I ended up doing was buying an older townhouse that requires some renos, which I can do myself. My two kids are grown and live with me. They chip in a bit and that helps. I won't be able to afford to retire before 67, but I love my job, so no worries there. I probably wo t be able to afford to live here alone, but I have the option of taking on a university student if my kids leave, and if I work a little,lose the car, and be frugal, I'm going to be okay.

My guess is that you do have options. You could move to a cheaper area of the country, downsize, get a roommate to share expenses, find a way to generate some income based on your LTD, anything. What I learned about myself was that fear of the unknown was my biggest hurdle. My lifestyle has hanged an I have come down in the world, but I am at peace. I no longer live with a cheater who caused me such significant trauma. I have friends purpose, and a reason to get up each day. No, I don't get exotic vacations anymore and have to walk by the good scotch shelves and the beef coolers, but I try to focus on what I have. I take car trips and visit my friend out of town when I need a break. Hell, I was even able to wangle up enough cash for an Alaskan cruise. Yeah, it was the cheapest cabin on the boat and I parked my car at a friend's house so I could take transit to the port,but it was still a getaway.

It's tough to say goodbye to the life you planned. Hell, by my calculations, I stand to have lost over a million dollars by the time I retire. But I am content. You can still have a rewarding life, despite the change in circumstances. Having grown up super poor,I learned how to navigate life with little money. I have my mother to thank for that.

It's funny. For all my worry, things seem to be provided for me as I need them, as long as I remain humble. I can't afford to buy my kids new things very often, but they are fine with used items. This Christmas, me kids are each getting things that have been purchased from the buy&sell. They are thankful and understanding, something I appreciate. My point is, life has a way of working out IMHO. Lillies of the field and all that.

Where you are and what you are going through is not all there is. There are good things ahead of you. Don't lose hope.

On a side note, I am now in a relationship which could possibly end up going longterm. The funny thing is that all of my speculations and calculations always assumed I would be alone for the rest of my life. Life has a funny way of surprising you when you least expect.

Hope some of this helps in a small way...

He won't leave me high and dry. I know many have probably just gasped at that comment, and that's fine. If he divorces me, he knows he has to pay support and unless he marries someone else and combines their income, he won't be able to survive on what's left.

You're right... I gasped. You really don't know what he's capable of, and more importantly, you can't guarantee that he won't find someone else who he thinks offers him a better deal and leave you. Make your plans based on the worst-case scenario, not the best.

So one thing you know is that if you divorce, he'll have to pay support. Good. That's something you can factor in when you meet with a lawyer and financial advisor, and start planning your exit.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:09 PM, Friday, December 1st]

He very well could meet a woman who makes good money, divorce you,and be with her..and be financially better off than he is now.

You don't know what the future holds. You need to take steps,now,to protect yourself.

HollyLou

After he is gone, I recommend doing a little rearranging of the house. Move him out of your bedroom (do you have space, like a spare room?) Every little bit of his things need to go in that other space- clothes, Axe spray, shaving cream, change drawer, belts, jackets whatever-- OUT. Reclaim your bedroom for ONLY you- if you can, paint it YOUR favorite color, redecorate to your taste. Create a space where you can be you and you don't have him crowding you.

Who is still living in your house with you? It may be time to encourage anyone left living with you to find their own space. Why is he supporting all his kids and his 6 grandkids (I think that is what you wrote earlier?)

You have some hard things to think about. Whether you'd be better off less financially stable but free from his chronic soul crushing behavior OR financially stable, but subject to a toxic demeaning life? The fact you've been killing yourself for YEARS to be Good Enough makes me want to cry for you. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to have to be around that. I'm wondering if your soul will be at peace if you can break away from him.

Lastly, please reach out to the OBS anyway. You only know his AP's status because your H told you, and we already know he is a liar. Frankly, he only knows because SHE told him and she also is a liar. With regards to the OBS, you don't know anything.

The bedroom is already cleared out. Nobody is still living here - they are all on their own. It's just me and four walls. I agree, the next few months are going to be rough trying to figure this mess out. I doubt my soul will ever be at peace until I'm in the ground. My mind just won't shut off. Years and years of trauma replay in my brain. It's exhausting.

You're right, I only know what WH told me and I also brought that up to him, and he said yeah, she could be lying. They are all a bunch of lying liars.

Justsomeguy

I was very concerned about finances when I was considering D, so I get the feeling of despair. I downloaded an free excel budgeting spreadsheet from revenue canada. It had all of the columns labeled and I just had to input various amounts. I created about half a dozen different versions based on various scenarios, from renting/owning with and without kids, working, retiring etc. I went to the CPP/OAS sites to calculate numbers as well.

Thanks for your thoughtful post. I'm happy that life has turned the corner for you.

I've done the spreadsheet and analyzed this to death. It's what I do. :) We have cut back everywhere we possibly can at this time. Despair is and terror is accurate for how I am feeling right now. I've got lots to think about in the upcoming months.