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Since I wear a ring he didn’t buy I probably feel a little differently. But even before D day, my ring was a symbol of my vows and commitment that I kept and am still keeping. Him wearing ring or not is up to him. Personally, I’d feel a little hypocritical about it if I were him, but perhaps that’s his symbol of being a better man and holding up his promises this time.

Whatislove
Sorry if this has triggered difficult thoughts for you. I am almost 2 years out.

The ring was taken off around a year after dday when he told me something else that I would never have found out. That revelation made me realise I don’t know who he is. I doubt I would have married him. I said I feel i was tricked and I don’t consider myself married anymore. He was devastated. He came clean as I said I need to know everything (I thought I knew everything). It’s like the fog had lifted for him and he knew he needed to be honest. But it made me look at him in a different way. It was a risk he took. If he has more skeletons then more fool him for keeping them hidden that day. I’d hate to be him. I think he knows another revelation would destroy us.

I see the secrets as pathetic. I don’t see affairs as anything but pathetic - carried out by losers who have issues. They lie to themselves first. He didn’t do this due to my flaws (I have many flaws). I didn’t cause this. I knew that immediately. Luckily my self esteem has barely waivered (I know this is unusual too). This is a him issue.

I have a lot of historic issues, I had one counsellor pass me onto a more senior person due to them. But I stayed faithful. I’m not perfect, I struggle with some of it. But that resulted in anxiety and a desperate need for safety and security. Which he has destroyed in so many ways. That is unforgivable to me. Despite this I remained faithful

He wears a ring. He took it off in anger once and I said he needs to do what he feels is right. He put it back on.

My anger has gone in the main. I no longer have what he did as my first and last thought of the day. It’s very much like death of a loved one. And I have grieved for lost relatives through this as well. This trauma is tied up, for me, in other traumas. I am very sad I didn’t have a husband who helped me with these and instead made them worse. Shame on him.

I genuinely hope he gets to be the man he wants to be, which ironically is the man I believed he was. That is why this is so heartbreaking - he wanted to be loved how I loved him. And I wanted the man he now wants to be - I thought he was that man. But his own low self esteem and inability to cope with a few things plus overthinking (I don’t do this) plus using alcohol to numb stuff. If I didn’t do x he thought it meant y. He had conversation with me in his head and not with me. It’s loopy really - I’ll never fully get it. I just hope he gets to be the man he deserves to be. I want that for him and the kids. I know I’ll be okay - I’ve had other traumas and I’m still here and functioning. I’m strong.

You may be right about the ring symbolising availability. I have been hit on a lot during our relationship (I have always declined immediately, walked away or told them to do one). It pisses me off. He was told by various people that I could do better than him. This came out a while back. After the revelation I agree with them. I could have done better. I deserved better. I’ve been loyal and tried my best. It may be far from perfect but I made decisions and plans with US and my family in my heart. I did it with good intentions. I may have worried unnecessarily but it wasn’t through malice. I would have taken a bullet for this man. I wouldn’t now.

A ring doesn’t stop people cheating. I didn’t cheat because I said I wouldn’t cheat. I said I wouldn’t do that to him ever. I said it to myself and to him and to family at our wedding. And I meant it. So I didn’t cheat - ring or no ring despite my flaws and issues.

That ring was special because he made it. I’m not into expensive and fancy things. But I’m sentimental - probably due to previous trauma

BH here.

I took mine off shortly after Dday. I felt too much like a hipocrat (sp) to wear it. I did not know if I was going to stay, and I did not feel a commitment to her.
I did not talk to her, just dropped it in my top drawer.
One night she was trying to be tender, picked up my hand to hold it, and felt the ring was gone. She dropped my hand, and cried. I said nothing and could not cry, 😢, as my tears had all been cried out.
When I eventually decided I was staying (for the boys, and so I could be a champion rug sweeper), I put it back on and told her it was my commitment to the M (not to her).
Her original ring was stolen by a maid several years later. I bought her a new nicer one. Eventually, after her mother died, she redesigned her ring with her mother’s diamond and another diamond I bought her. The replacement ring is now a necklace.
All to say, it is a symbol. That symbol changes due to A. It can be a symbol of new commitment to your spouse, your marriage, yourself, your history, or nothing at all. No wrong answer.

Two and a half years after dday I still wear mine, but it has no meaning to me anymore. I used to love the ring and what it represented, and only took it off three times in 19 years between our wedding day and DDay1, each time before giving birth to our three boys. Then I wore it on a necklace for a few days, until my fingers went back to normal size and made sure WH was the one to put it back on my finger, just like on our wedding day. Now I wear it because taking it off would raise questions from the kids and our parents that I just don't want to answer. They don't know about his affairs and I don't want them to know for the time being. But it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Just a piece of jewelery, the specialness is gone, just like the feeling of our relationship being special or me being special to my WH.

He still wears his and makes a point of never taking it off, even when going climbing, he just protects it with climbing tape. I seem to remember he took it off for sports before dday, but I am not sure. I don't care really. He wore it while fucking others, it obviously had no special meaning to him then.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 2:08 PM, Friday, February 2nd]

Wow I could have written your post. I used to love my wedding band. It was precious to me (sound a little like Gollum there). It is just a plain white-gold band with an inscription. Only cost a couple hundred dollars but it was once my most valuable possession. I'd look at it and think how proud I was to be married to my wife and it would make me feel so lucky and happy to be alive and it was so very precious to me. Then she cheated and it suddenly meant so much less. I stopped wearing it immediately, which really upset her. I also did the whole "well what does it mean since you were wearing yours when you were banging your boyfriend". Yada yada. She's been working hard on reconciliation so i'd put it back on from time to time. I think it was a way for me to honor her efforts to reconcile. After wearing it for a time it would start 'to get heavy' as I would put it. Which just meant it'd cause me to trigger so I'd take it off. Went back and forth wearing it and not until one day i just took it off and kept it off for quite a while, I didnt wear it for close to two years or so. Lots of therapy and lots of pleading from my wife and I put it back on and it stays on now. I can see that means a lot to her. For me, I don't think about it anymore really, which is good and bad. Good that it doesn't 'get heavy' anymore but bad because I used to be so fond of it and thinking of it would give me so much happiness. Saying that I lost something precious to me is something I think we can all relate to. I know my ring won't ever mean the same to me as it once did.

I returned my wedding ring to him after Dday and he is keeping it somewhere . I don’t think I will ever wear it again. Yes, that was the ring he gave me on our wedding day while promising to be faithful till death do us part . He didn’t keep his promise and is tainted now.

He always wears his ring , even during his virtual sex with the AP. He promised to never take it off now for the rest of his life … whatever. He cheated on me while still wearing his ring…. the ring meant nothing for him .

I am still not healed yet after two and a half years. I don’t know what the future may bring but he is still trying to gain my trust back . We will see.

I took mine off last August, at just under 2-1/2 years post DDay. As mentioned above, it began to feel very heavy. It became a triggering reminder of the broken promise. It used to mean something to me, but now it’s just a piece of metal that brings me pain. It upset her that I wasn’t wearing it and I told her I’d proudly wear a new one if it truly meant she would honor its meaning this time, but the first one is dead, never to be worn again. It’s really sad how a thing can mean so much to someone until it doesn’t. She did give me a new ring but it still doesn’t really mean much to me. She still hasn’t really done the work for it to mean much.

I took my wedding ring off my left hand the day I decided I was not going to continue the R that STBXWW and her IC had planned for me. I wear it on my right hand, as the ring is made up of parts of my mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers wedding rings, so is special to me in it's own right.

STBXWW still wears hers (she didn't even take it off when she was with him - he got off on seeing it *weirdo*), but I think that is more for appearances, and as she tells me that she still wants to R (but on her terms). She has offered to return it to me once our D is finalised.

I think I will have my ring made up into a signet ring using the smaller diamonds from my STBXWW's ring to wear as a dress ring in the future. Maybe - it's a thought.

When I first read this post I was not wearing my rings (I only wore them around people I didn’t want questions from). Like many I felt they were a symbol of our vows and promises to each other and because he betrayed those I was not willing to wear them. He was quite upset and emotional about this.

WH was still wearing his everyday until the day I asked him not to. Again this broke him a bit more. We went out to lunch with a few old friends without them. It honestly felt so strange and broke my heart.

Later that week or maybe the week after I believe we had a ‘positive breakthrough ’ in our R. From a couple of days of intense discussions both good and bad I feel like I have a better understanding of his behaviour, even though it was still inexcusable.

I have now started wearing the rings again. It just feels right at the moment. I don’t feel ashamed anymore or like a fraud. I wear them knowing that while my marriage is so far from perfect we are both trying to get it back to a happy place.

Maybe I’m just to soft I don’t know but I’m just taking it day by day and doing what feels right at that stage 🤷🏼‍♀️

I usually wear mine on my NATO watch strap as it's always been tight once my hands swell during the day. I recently went away on business, fWW asked me to wear it while I was away for the week, which I have and it seems ok for now. We are 18 months into R and I wonder if she felt threatened by lots of Nordic women being at a conference, thing is my boundaries are strong.

She took hers off once she'd decided to go public with her A. Then filed for D, so it was strange seeing this happen with very little say in the matter and let her go through the motions. She's reviewing it all and I'll let her process the insanity and just observe.

I am, unlike you, not sure if I should renew our vows...she's hinted at after 20 years of marriage, 3 more years. I suppose by then I'll know if R has worked!

Hope you are well.

Salty

I took our rings and chucked them off a point in lake michigan. F$%ck those rings. Tainted pieces of yit as far as I was concerned.

I threw both my wedding band and diamond eternity ring in a dumpster…I kept my engagement ring as it reminded me of happier times years before the betrayal. I don’t wear this ring though and never will.

I wanted my W to continue to wear her rings.

I've never worn a ring because they're uncomfortable. After d-day, my W asked me to wear one. We looked for one a bit, but everything I tried was still uncomfortable. Then I realized I didn't cheat. So I told my W that I wasn't going to wear a ring because I had never used a naked finger to find women in the past, and I wasn't going to do it in the future.

After 14 months of trickle truth, there was a revelation of another affair prior to those I knew about. It moved the timeline AGAIN. He also confessed that he lied about 2 names of ap's from 20 years ago. I never had full names anyway and one of the fake names he used was of a current, older neighbor. Everytime I saw her or heard her name I triggered. Ap's name wasn't even close and he wasn't creative enough to pick a name not in our sphere. Another unnecessary trauma.
After this, I was done. I took my rings off. Taking my rings off signaled to him how truly awful he had been. He cried like all the other jerks. I put it back on when we were around family. We live away from everyone so I rarely had to wear them.
He bought me new ones. I wear those when we go in public.
Had a bigger fight over his ring. He wore it through his infidelity. I didn't want that ring near me! Gross! I very explicitly told him that ring touched other women and I did not want it touching me!
He wouldn't quit wearing it. It suddenly meant something to him. He got a new one when he got me a new one(local Sam's Club closed and had 1/2 off) but insisted on wearing the old one daily with the new for special occasions. It pissed me off that he put his desires over mine yet again. He mistakenly wore the new one to work and I took the opportunity to kill the original with a meat tenderizer. He will not be wearing it again. He was upset. I was relieved.
There is no meaning in any of these pieces, now. When I wear a ring, I usually wear a fake one. Seems appropriate.

I've never worn a ring because they're uncomfortable. After d-day, my W asked me to wear one. We looked for one a bit, but everything I tried was still uncomfortable. Then I realized I didn't cheat. So I told my W that I wasn't going to wear a ring because I had never used a naked finger to find women in the past, and I wasn't going to do it in the future.

Sisoon,

My story is similar to yours. I often didn't wear mine pre-A due to a medical condition that caused my hands to puff up from time to time.

A while after Dday she asked me to wear it more and even finally took it upon herself to buy a bigger one.

I wore it for a while but then felt like it was some kind of manipulation tactic.

I told her since rings didn't stop her from cheating it couldn't be THAT important to her.

I took my wedding ring off my left hand the day I decided I was not going to continue the R that STBXWW and her IC had planned for me. I wear it on my right hand, as the ring is made up of parts of my mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers wedding rings, so is special to me in it's own right.

Hello AspectNorth...

Encouraged to see you are back with us.

I sitting here trying to remember when I removed the ring off of you XWs hand (she actually "slightly" resisted giving it back). Was it the day dropped the bomb or a immediately afterward. I suppose it is doesn't matter anymore.

Anyway, I put her ring and mine in the toilet and flushed. So if anyone feels adventurous there is a very nice 3 carat natural diamond that I paid far more than I should of at time in the sewer pipe.

ABCD89,

My DDay was in April 2020. I took my rings off on that day and they've stayed off. I didn't feel married anymore. The marriage had failed. My rings had been a symbol of his fidelity to me. How could I keep them on; just the thought of that makes me feel sick even now. He kept his on for a month or so I can't remember now, how long. I felt the same as other people have said; he wore his ring whilst having sex with another woman. In fact on their last few meet-ups, she asked him to take off his wedding ring and guess what, he did this immediately for her, without hesitation. When he told me this after me asking, for some reason it broke my heart, like so many cuts already by that time. Him wearing his ring, him taking it off so easily on her request like it meant nothing to him. Boy that was a big cut for me. So a few days after that I asked him to take off his ring and he did, and I kept it.

I can't see me going down the road of vows or rings. He had already, back in 1994 made a vow to me to be my faithful husband, and he broke that vow big time with a work colleague, for more than four years. So it's done. I don't want another vow from him, it wouldn't mean anything to me.. been there, done that, it didn't work out.

I loved my rings. My engagement ring was a perfect diamond 1carat with a pear shaped diamond on either side, 18c gold. The ring was set so that you couldn't see much of the gold and the diamonds stood out and were very bright. I don't know much about diamonds but they were a very bright white diamonds with no flaws. The wedding rings were 22 carat gold with a little indent on the outside rims. Ho hum. But by a long long way, I loved my rings because he and I were two people in one, and we loved each other so much that we wanted only us always. True pure soul mates, and when I looked at my rings on my finger which I did often, I felt how special we were.

They were easy to take off on that day and just about four years on, I don't see them ever going back on. I don't think I will ever feel married to him, and I struggle to feel we are special.

Regarding a view on your cheater's feelings about wedding rings, using my perspective from my WS - my WS liked being married, wanted to be married, Loved being a husband and a dad, loved having a home and a family and having me as a wife. His ring told the world that someone loved him, he was loved and valued and he belonged with someone, and he had a home and a place to be. I know that for him like for me, it's horrible when you have to let go of that symbol. When you're out and about, anyone who looks can see that probably you're on your own. Though four years on I don't think about it when I'm out or with friends etc.

Our kids and partners all know what happened, and a few friends I could count on one hand, so the rings off needs no cover-up. No-one else knows, and weirdly not a single person has asked....in four years, not even his parents or sister, and we have a lot of friends.