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I don’t see aggressive replies but I do see how you might see the above advice as aggressive.
Keep in mind the forum you posted in – Reconciliation – and go look at the guidelines for that forum. It’s not that you are really breaking any of them, but IMHO fixating on the AP and revenge is not going to move the R needle anywhere positive.
Maybe this post in General would have given you what you want: Reaffirmation that the issue is the AP and that focusing on the AP will get you places…

HFSSC - you sound like a really decent human being.

I know your actions, in the end, didn't make you feel good one bit - but knowing the trauma of infidelity, you should have the same empathy for your actions as you have found for the AP.

I know myself, and I honestly believe if the AP demonstrated in some way, some sort of remorse and understanding of her actions, I could probably feel a similar way that you do.

Unfortunately, I believe it will never happen. She is an incredibly selfish person, who paints herself as the victim. She thinks of herself as superior, she is rude and aggressive. She is deeply disrespectful (opening your cider bottles on war memorials and finding it amusing?). My husband was not the first married man she screwed around with.

I believe everyone has the capacity to change, including her. I don't want to carry around this hate forever and I hope at some point I can let it go (for me). But for now, I hope she's suffering; I hope she feels rejected, discarded, and worthless. Just how she has assisted in making me feel.

Bigger, apologies if I have posted in the wrong forum. The R board is generally my go to. Feel free to close it/delete if not appropriate 😬

I don't feel I'm focusing on "revenge", but yes any focus on the AP isn't overly helpful. But it often is a big part of the struggle when trying to recover and also R. I think perhaps my title was ill thought out. Words matter.

I'm not sure I can agree that labelling mine and my husbands behaviour as "disturbing", is anything but harsh, particularly when it is accepted that the BS is often in a place of trauma. It really is quite harsh. As above, words matter. Anyway, it's fine, I really appreciate the advice from every single poster nonetheless.

She thinks of herself as superior

These words seem key to me, in terms of how she maybe triggering inferiority feelings you can usefully explore in IC. Try and turn your torchlight back into yourself. Why are you trying to prove yourself to the OW? Have some curiosity and self reflexivity about it.

I hope she feels rejected, discarded, and worthless. Just how she has assisted in making me feel.

Actually, even if this was partly her aim - for some OWs, winning against the BS does bolster their self esteem - let’s assume, as it seems in the majority of cases, you were nothing to her. How does that feel?

I would argue that nobody really has the power to ‘make you feel’ in any case, not in any ongoing way without your collusion. So in trying to be superior to her superiority, you’re somehow declaring your fear of being the opposite, and in her seeing your coded imagery, it’s having the opposite effect I guess of her feeling insignificant and worthless. What is the real battle here? For your self esteem? How can that be regained? It’s a prize far bigger than the internecine warfare suggests, where the only learning is tactics or strategy. Yes, you felt discarded, but don’t discard yourself. There’s a real opportunity to get to know yourself. Don’t waste it by focusing on OW, who’s a symptom, not a cause.

The1stWife - "But if you are truly afraid she’s unhinged about this affair and is still holding on to the hope that maybe someday she’ll have a chance to get back with your H, then you are playing with fire."

I really didn't think about that perspective. Hmmm. Food for thought.

I didn't think that if she is stalking my Facebook, still (including during the A when I had no clue), that I should be concerned. I've been more focused of it being a sign that she is still struggling (which is a comfort).

Re the comment about the truth, I have concluded either exactly what you say OR its a subliminal "I don't believe you're really a happy couple and the truth will prevail". Or she sees herself as the victim?

I don't know, I could speculate forever I guess 😬

No issues with you posting here, but rathe pointing out that the replies you get will be based on what we think your goal might be. Since it’s here – in this forum – it’s reconciling.

A very common pitfall in reconciling is where the WS and the BS make the OP the "enemy". It’s easier than seeing the true enemy – the reason/fault in the WS that made then think having an affair was OK.
Not saying your husband is your enemy, but rather the conditions he allowed himself to get into that made him decide this was fine. Those reasons wont be found in you nor the marriage. They are totally internal.
Like… if he says there was no romance and the AP offered that… the correct way to deal with that in a marriage is by trying to ignite romance (like letting you come home to a warm bubbly-bath, a meal and champagne) or by addressing the issue with you and then working out a plan. Instead he chose to have an affair.

To use a comparison: If you handle the family finances and realize that next month you will be 200 short the correct reaction might to let your husband know, both of you work extra hours, you both know why it’s rice-and-beans for the third day in a row and why date-night is popcorn on the couch and not dinner and a movie. If you were to use his infidelity-logic your reaction would be to rob a bank.

I think this "OP as the ENEMY" is what we fear.

I can't reply at the moment (I really should carry on work at work 🤫🤐😬), but I just wanted to quickly say how helpful these insights are - I regretted posting last night, but I'm so glad I did.

Thank you!

Loved the outcome of your story HSSFC 😊. And it reminded me of the ‘Honey, they always affair down’ thread, so have bumped that for you, Whiskey. Really encourage you not to give OW any windows into your life. Build your new house with FWH out of bricks; it takes much longer to build than straw but it’s ultimately much stronger and impervious to them wolves.

I understand your feeling of wanting her to see you having success in R. Please become invisible to her, she is not in your league, she is irrelevant. I have always maintained that an AP willingly accepts 2nd place, scraps and leftovers. Us BS's expect and demand first place, this is why they have to lie and deceive, to try to place the BS in a place they won't accept.

Gently, your H should step up and not give one damn what she thinks, he should not in any way condone this, it is a continued ego trip for him.

If you want to make her crazy stop caring, become invisible, move on with a kick ass life.

OW and OW’s new man virtually stalked me. Granted it is a very small sport community. And, I would check into SM to see if they planned to attend so that I could consider the potential trigger factors. She went as far as to cyber stalk through mutual friends until I confronted her about it.

Now, I no longer care. If she’s irritated by me looking happy online, it’s a bonus…but not my purpose. I’m just looking to live the best life I can. We’re in fact on a messenger group text for our sport. She will specifically post things there they seem like they’re designed to get a rise out of me. I just ignore her. IF she responds specifically to something I’ve written, I have reminded her that I don’t care to interact with her. She’s mental, as far as I’m concerned. And, I think VERY VERY jealous. I have made sure privately that everyone else on that group knows. They laugh about it with me.

But, every interaction….for awhile was enormously triggering. Benign indifference is my end game. Can’t say I always achieve that. I just remind myself that the only thing "special" about her was that she was willing. I know he wouldn’t have gone there if she hadn’t had absolutely thrown herself at him.

I understand how you feel attacked by the responses. Not everyone responds to trauma in similar ways and when one veers from the "tried and true" they tend to get piled on. I'm sorry you are experiencing that.

I also wanted to add that because of my shame of my relationship, no, I do not post any pictures of myself and my husband. The idea of the AP seeing us as a "loving couple" makes me cringe inside.

WhiskeyBlues, I just want to say again that wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or scold you. To be clear, I didn't find your behavior disturbing; it was your husband's participation in it, for the reasons that I've already explained.

Also, did he ever send her a no-contact letter? Your last reply to me implied that he broke things off with her gently, on his terms. If that's the case, then no wonder you're so anxious! He did nothing to extinguish her flame for him.

I'll your word for it that he's just going along with the Facebook tit for tat because it's what you wanted and he was afraid you would perceive it as rejection if he said no. To be fair to your husband --and to all WS-- I completely understand the inclination. He fucked up, he did everything wrong, and so he's just going to agree to whatever demands you make or anything you want to do to make yourself feel better.

However, this means that you, the BS, are taking the lead in reconciliation rather than him, the WS, which leads to several problems:

(A) It takes the responsibility off of his shoulders to proactively devise strategies to help you heal. He's not doing any work (or as much as he should) because you're doing it for him.

(B) If whatever you want to do fails or doesn't have the desired result-- which is clearly the case here-- he can divert the blame on to you and say, "I do whatever you tell me to do and it still isn't enough!" Even if he's compliant now, you'll hear some variation of this complaint at some point.

(C) For the above reasons, resentment and contempt builds up on both sides.

So maybe in this case, go back your husband and say that, on second thought, this nonsense on social media isn't helping anything... in fact, it's making you feel worse. You've realized that his initial desire to block her completely was the right one and so you're going to take his advice.

And from there, put the onus on him to proactively rebuild your your unity as a couple. What does he think will help you become closer? What ideas does he have for winning back your trust? In what ways can he help empower you?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:14 PM, Friday, February 16th]

I have in my head that she believes he is only back for the kids or something...I know logically it shouldn't matter to me what she thinks, but it does. As SS33 said, I want to show a united front. I want her to realise that their little wuv stowy was a sack of shit. Its important to me.

This is how I felt/feel, too. Based on the little that I heard/saw of what she said following DDay, she was under the impression that he stayed for the kids. We used to own a Coke machine at their workplace, and H would have to stay late to fill it. She approached him there and asked him, "Why did you go back to her?" He told her that he loved me and had been wrong about me (all the stuff he said to her to justify the A), and she cried. 40% of me didn't like that there was contact, but 60% was glad that she heard that from his mouth.

A year later, we had to arrange a meeting to tell her something. He sent her a text asking her to meet him at a fast food place near their workplace. I'm sure she thought he wanted to rekindle the A...and then I walked out. If she had been over him, she could have told him no, he could call her.

And then I find all that Pinterest crap. Yeah, she's not over him, and I suspect she'd run back to him in a heartbeat if he expressed interest. So there's always this looming feeling of her waiting in the wings. He'd never go back to her, he can't stand the thought of her, but she doesn't know that.

The point is, I wouldn't know that last part if I hadn't been creeping on her. And what she feels/thinks isn't really my business or my concern. I did this to myself by creeping on her. I continue to do it to myself by creeping on her. Like I said before, let me serve as an example of what not to do. You don't want to be 20 years out and in my shoes. Creep now. Show a united front now. And then make a point to never look her way again.

FWIW, I think your post was funny and clearly elicited an emotional response from her. I wouldn’t put too much stock into her reply. In her mind, your H and she are destined to run away together into the sunset. That’s likely all she meant. You dropping the mic on her is probably going to get under her skin. Feeding her with additional jabs won’t help you in the slightest.
That being said, pull a George Costanza and leave now while you’re ahead. I’d consider blocking her for good. And don’t buy any pet bunnies. She sounds absolutely nuts.

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:52 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I don't understand how anyone is winning cool points by pretending the women who are screwing your husband don't bother you.

I've never understood or been able to relate to people who say that the AP isn't at fault for the A, only the WS. Or that they don't hold anger towards the AP. It just does not compute for me. It takes two to tango, and when the AP knows the WS is married, they are a party to hurting the BS. An honorable person would contact the BS when the WS comes on to them, not sleep with them or try to poach them.

I guess my H and I teaming up against them made being an OW way less fun.

The AP ate her damn heart out when I showed up and work to take H to lunch and walked right by her holding his hand, whispering and laughing. And I won't lie: That was 100% my intent.

The AP ate her damn heart out when I showed up and work to take H to lunch and walked right by her holding his hand, whispering and laughing. And I won't lie: That was 100% my intent.

My ex and OW#1 worked at a very popular restaurant/bar together. I frequently showed up, dressed to 9s and turning heads, and was very affectionate with him. Did it piss her off? Absolutely. But did it make a difference? No. At the end of the day, he still was who he was. In retrospect, I cringe when I think about how I felt the need to show off and claim him, as if he was some prize.

Whiskey,

I won’t lie and say I read everything that others have posted, I still stand very strongly that taunting AP feels like a version of pick me. It’s very much a look at great I am, and he stayed with me (or you know, he picked me) over AP. I don’t think that is helping or healthy.

Believe me, read my last post, I want to do a lot to AP after I have found out so much more about what happened. I am seriously considering what I can do that won’t hurt me or my family legally.

Last time I responded to your thread, you were still dealing with your WH lies, constantly and how much you felt you were not R material. No shade, everyone has a breaking point.

That being said, keeping AP in some form in your life is toxic. I wanted nothing to do with him ever again, and I was perfectly content to just move on, only because of extreme circumstances that I have to now involve the ghost of him because he has caused so much damage to my family.

My advice, block her, forever. I get that you want to present an image of a team, but that’s all it is, an image. A hologram. Your WH wasn’t team whiskey, and from everything you have said previously, he still isn’t. Is he still lying? That is team WH.

In retrospect, I cringe when I think about how I felt the need to show off and claim him, as if he was some prize.

Everyone’s story is different. Since you’re divorced I can assume that your WS wasn’t R material. Mine was - after counseling that helped him pull his head out of his ass, which he initiated. He was (finally) a "prize", and we both knew it.

The real issue is whether or not I believe that I’M the prize. Intellectually, I know that I am. He tells me all the time that I am. But damn, the insecurities are deep-seated.

I would not be trying to reconcile with someone who still wants to dedicate in ANY mindspace to the AP.