SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know nothing about base operations so this suggestion might be spitting into the wind. Can you get somewhere on base that is off limits to her? Can you get permission to shut your phone off? Let her get all the histrionics out before heading home. Once you need to leave the base find a buddy to have dinner with. Put off going home until bedtime. After she is served you should ask if having to share base quarters can legally still be a separation. I love this saying…begin as you mean to go on. Do the gray rock method. She gets nothing from you but YESes and NOs. I do suggest you not try to give reasons about your decision. She is going to push are at your boundaries. Stay strong.

I’m hoping against hope that she is civil because she needs a place to stay and I need someone to watch our dog while I’m gone at the beginning of the year for a military school on the other coast. So if she can be civil she can stay in the house while we divorce for free once served as long as she takes care of our dog. And then when I get back we can move out and I can take the dog. But we shall see, I’m looking for an apartment and a dog foster just in case.

But yes the gaslighting and manipulation and all of that if it starts hard or I feel unsafe with her trying to trap me once I serve her I’ll force the move out with the notice of divorce and figure it out. Just a bad situation all around.

Agree that a dog foster is a better idea. I’m a military brat and we always found families on base willing to watch our dog when we were between housing before/after a move. The military community is great that way. If you think she is unstable, that is not going to get better. Cut the ties.

Also, I agree with the VAR suggestion. That last thing you need is her claiming domestic violence or something. PROTECT YOURSELF. We’ve seen where the WS claims false abuse and really screws up the BS’s life. Don’t let her do that.

I'd be concerned about how well your STBXW would take care of your dog or your possessions if you initiate D. She can do a lot of damage to you if she lives in your place without your supervision.

I also recommend the dog foster. I suspect you're renting? Put your stuff in storage and move her somewhere else. You have time to put in notice that you're ending the lease by the SSRA.
Spouses stepping out on their marriage while the SM is deployed is about as vile as it gets. She has repeatedly proven she is untrustworthy. She's not going to magically be responsible now. You have NO reason to believe she won't screw you over again.
How long is your school?

The school is just a month and then I will be back for about two months and then gone for two months again. I have no doubt that she would take care of our dog, she isn’t a bad person at all she is just caught up with this guy. But yea I’m looking around at dog Fostering.

she isn’t a bad person at all

I suspect you may revisit that assessment one day, when you reflect how she’s a liar, betrayer, adulteress, and who knows what else. Not typically traits of a "good person". The person you *thought* she was is "not a bad person at all". Unfortunately she’s not at all the person you thought she was, as is the case with all betrayed spouses….

Definitely get a surrogate to keep your dog. We used to participate in a rescue/foster program for active duty and deployed serving. It was great.

Yea the worst part of all of this is that she has now supposedly dropped the guy and is "fully committed" to us so I’m fighting the not wanting to be mean feelings and stay strong because all that has happened has happened.

I’m sorry for you. Given the stress of your career, you don’t need this added stress and pressure on you.

She’s now "fully committed" b/c she’s about to be homeless and kicked to the curb. Suddenly she "loves you" blah blah blah.

The gifts she refused to get rid of from the other guy shows you where her mindset really is.

Can people change? Yes they can. Could she possibly regret all of this and go on to be the best wife? Yes it’s possible.

However - while she was in the affair fog she believed the other guy was the love of her life blah blah blah.

If she truly wanted to reconcile she would be going to therapy to figure out why she chose to cheat, she would be making amends and be truly remorseful. She would be talking openly and honestly with you.

She would not be trying to butter you up and try to sweep this under the rug. This isn’t a simple mistake that you correct easily. This is a long term investment into herself and your marriage.

Her commitment to the marriage is not the issue.
The issue is your commitment to the marriage.
Seeing as you are posting in the divorce forum, have filed for divorce and so far haven’t told us you have doubts about that course then her reactions aren’t really relevant.
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Marriage is this strange bond that is never stronger than the bonds those involved place on themselves. Infidelity is definitely a reason to reconsider if you want to offer that commitment to that person.

Her response might give you reason to doubt, but her response doesn’t force you to do anything different. It’s your call – you could try to reconcile, you could divorce. Your call.

Like... if she had run to the arms of OM and moved in with him and had she filed a divorce then no matter how much YOU want the marriage HER lack of commitment to the marriage would make divorce inevitable. Had there not been any infidelity but she tired of the military life and filed... nothing you can do to stop it.
Same applies to you. If you are decided to divorce and have filed, then no matter what she does it won’t stop the process. At some point you will be divorced, living separate lives.

Remove the fears and replace them with reality.

Thank you for those replies. Nostalgia and nervousness intrude regularly while I wait for her to be served.

Once again, Bigger is the calm voice of reason. You would do well to consider his posts. He gives good advice.

As for accommodations, I'm certain that you could be put up somewhere on base. What about the officer's mess? Maybe your OC can pull some strings for you. I'm Canadian, but our regimental system is much like yours. We look after our own snd you guys probably do as well.

Oh, and you might want to read Sun Tsu again...

I don’t know if she has been served yet but record your interactions. Tell her what you are doing. "I am recording our conversations." "Why? What do do think I will say(do)l". "I don’t know but I don’t trust you anymore so I am protecting myself". If she demands you shut it off and the state will not allow it stop talking to her and always have a witness. She sounds like she could get volatile and possibly accuse you of things. I assume you are committed to the military so protect your job. In fact ask your atty about recording. You just never know.