SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So sorry for your loss. My mom passed 9 years ago next month, and there are times when I still really miss her. One of my uncles said that you don't really "get over" the loss, you just learn to live without her.

Other things are sounding good. Thanks for the update.

And the cherry on the top is that even though she is co-habitating, she is likely to be granted maintenance unless she remarries. So not only does she have an A, and choose to leave, I have to pay her for the privilege of living with her AP.

And we call it "justice"?

Ah I understand if it didn’t include pensions at all. I hope you do not have to give her years of maintenance though. Hopefully soon you’ll get the final figure and it’ll be done and dusted. I know getting the decree absolut felt significant, a punch in the gut but also like I had ‘permission’ to start moving on.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve been through hell this past year. We’re here to listen.

I have the final pension figure and as expected this did not change the agreement, so solicitor has been instructed to draw up the legal document so I can file with the courts and get my financial settlement agreed asap, once I have that I will immediately apply to end the D. Still hopeful this will be around 12 months from when she left, so June.

I also visited her cat lady friend at the weekend to drop off some garden items I did not want and she says that my STBXWW has started feeling very very guilty about the way she treated me (better late than never I suppose), and she has also become very concerned about what she would do if anything happened to AP. She has no claim to either of his properties so it is likely she would become homeless and have to move in with her family. Seems she did not think this situation through long term.

I am just pushing even more now to get the finances sorted and D finalised, the last thing I need right now is for her to change her mind and start causing problems with the agreed settlement. Although if she is experiencing guilt hopefully she will not do so.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 11:50 AM, Monday, April 22nd]

Hi IAm,

Good to hear that you are making progress in detaching from your STBXW.

How would you cope if she married her AP?
Would that resolve these financial concerns?

Regards,
FAWH

FAWH, interesting question. I still care about my STBXWW as those of you who have been following the thread will realise as I got upset recently by her health problems. So I genuinely want her to be happy, but my detachment from her is complete, in my head even if not legally yet, so I would want her to marry again if that is what she wants. I really have no problem with that at all.

Also to me it has never been a question of IF she will marry him, but WHEN. She does have a practical head on her when she wants too and she will be acutely aware that until she remarries she has no security in respect of remaining in his property, and no inheritance to pass onto her children, again something that is a big issue to her.

She did ask me on my death to leave the house to her children (as I have no children of my own), so it was something she had clearly thought about before we separated. At the time I agreed, but that was the evening when she told me she was moving out and to be honest my brain was so confused I think I would have agreed if she said she wanted to go to the moon. She has not mentioned it since so I think she has come to realise what a ridiculous request that was, or she has just assumed I will do that anyway. I have no intention of bringing it up.

Financially the only benefit for myself would be if the court imposes spousal maintenance, something that I am still trying to avoid. It is my understanding that this would end should she remarry, although marriage does not affect our division of assets. I have a feeling however that she may be waiting a while longer for AP’s D to complete. His wife was clearly not in a forgiving mood and is using solicitors to eke out every penny she can from him during the D, so their process is going to take a lot longer than our amicable agreement. Their D is also more complicated as he has a financial interest in 2 properties, and owns his own business, of which his wife is named as a Director.

ps, I have just reread what I have written about being mentally detached from her, and really cannot believe that I have reached that point already. When I think back to what a mess I was when I found out about the A, and until she moved out. This is one of those moments that from living it you do not see the incremental changes, but suddenly something happens to make you realise how far you have come.

Hi IAm,

That was an encouraging update.
Glad to hear about your progressive detachment from your STBXW (and your ongoing and healthy care/concern for her).

I hope you find joy in life - including your home renovations.
I'm over for a visit (planned for 2020, but then we had covid) and loving Spring.
So any day with some joy is a good day.

Hang in there,
FAWH

Thanks for the update. You are doing very well. Keep detaching and focusing on building a new life. I know you can’t help still caring about her, but this will lessen as you detach and move forward. It is always mind boggling to try and understand the mentality that drives a WS. Your WW with deteriorating eyesight and no guaranteed financial future as she enters her senior years moves in with a liar and a cheater who she has to rely on in the future. Insane!
Your future looks much brighter.

"she has also become very concerned about what she would do if anything happened to AP. She has no claim to either of his properties so it is likely she would become homeless and have to move in with her family. Seems she did not think this situation through long term."

Sigh

It never ceases to amaze me the things waywards can and will do and then realize what they have done and want someone to fix it for them.

I have been in this group for more than 5 years now and dealing with infidelity for decades.

I wish you peace and healing. There are many lovely faithful companions out. I am sorry your soon to be ex wayward wife is not one of them.

I find it helpful to focus on my peaceful present circumstances and spend as little time as humanly possible thinking about what I lost financially or the lying cheating cheating lying horse donkey cross hind end I was married to. I promise you that life is much better on the other side of infidelity.

Out there oops missing word

she says that my STBXWW has started feeling very very guilty about the way she treated me (better late than never I suppose), and she has also become very concerned about what she would do if anything happened to AP. She has no claim to either of his properties so it is likely she would become homeless and have to move in with her family. Seems she did not think this situation through long term.

Okay, conspiracy theory coming up :

I read this as your WW setting up her narrative to everyone; the poor WW that is now repentant for the wrong-doings she has done, and the risk she has put herself into, and never reaching out to the BS for help.

The martyr/damsel in distress kind of scenario, where she has seemingly taken accountability of how she has wronged you (this gains sympathy for others), and that she is unsure of her future (making herself seem like a mewling kitten against the nasty world). This sets her up in case her A does not work out.

So, contrary to what you think, that she has not thought through the long term, I think she has, and she has put the plan in play already. My feel is that she is that your WW projects a sense of innocence, when she is actually quite dangerous like the Flerken (hint: Guardians of the Galaxy).

Thanks everyone for your comments.

RocketRaccoon, interesting theory, I guess going forward her narrative is not my problem. There will still be limited contact over the next few weeks/months while I finish the D process but after that there is no need for any contact at all.

Ticked off another first this weekend, whilst shopping at the supermarket I saw my STBXWW and AP. I knew it was likely to happen at some point but it just took my breath away because it was so sudden. Didn't start off my day expecting that, and it did feel a bit of a kick in the gut. I do not think they saw me and I had already paid so I just got the heck out of there.

It was unsettling for a couple of hours but I got over it. Went home, back to my peace and quiet, and got on with my plan for the day which was to empty and tidy the greenhouse. I bought some dwarf fruit trees last week so these needed planting on, and I needed to check on my potato plants. Unfortunately the poor weather prevented outside gardening so that will wait for another day.

"And the cherry on the top is that even though she is co-habitating, she is likely to be granted maintenance unless she remarries. So not only does she have an A, and choose to leave, I have to pay her for the privilege of living with her AP".

Marriage is probably the most horrifyingly unfair "contract" a man can enter into, especially these days.

Next time you see your wife grocery-shopping, fill your basket with lube, condoms, whipped cream and champagne and say "Hi! – Wish I could talk, but I am late for a date!"

Then discreetly leave the basket before check-out...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:03 PM, Tuesday, April 30th]

Bump by request.

Finally some news.

I have been advised by the court that my financial order has been accepted and I should receive the paperwork shortly. That is such a relief and means the judge has accepted a clean break so no ongoing maintenance.

Still some procedural steps to go through now to finalise the divorce, move the house into my sole name and transfer my pension, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel and this whole thing should be over within the next 3 to 4 months. I can then get on with my life.

When I last saw my STBXWW when I needed some documents signing she still seems to be struggling with the fact we will soon be divorced and said that if it was her choice she would not have begun the process yet.
With my cynical mind that just screamed keeping me as a back up option, but I have taken the choice away from her, completing the divorce, and seperation is the best for me, so that is what I have done.

I do get the irony though of celebrating having to give away every penny I have and my pension, but I have definitely reached the point that I just want this over and I can then move on and go fully no contact. I will also have defied all odds and retained the house, which was my 1st priority throughout this process.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 5:49 PM, Thursday, July 18th]

When I last saw my STBXWW when I needed some documents signing she still seems to be struggling with the fact we will soon be divorced and said that if it was her choice she would not have begun the process yet.
With my cynical mind that just screamed keeping me as a back up option, but I have taken the choice away from her, completing the divorce, and separation is the best for me, so that is what I have done.

Congrats, You detached yourself from a cake eating monkey brancher.

The finish line is really close. I'm so happy that you are able to keep your house.

So glad to hear the update. The end is in sight! Hang in there; you are doing so well.

…and said that if it was her choice she would not have begun the process yet.

What?!? A cake eater doesn’t like decisions that limit her options?!? What will she tell us next??? The sky is blue? Water is wet? Lol, GTFOH with that BS!

I’m sorry she’s being financially rewarded for betraying you, but I’m glad you are getting free of her. She sounds like a black hole of suck.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 6:44 PM, Friday, July 19th]