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OOL I am a ruminator too and it really blows especially when we are so isolated during this Covid mess. I tend to be worse when my kids are with him and this week is his week. I try to stay busy but like you said there are so many hours and I can't stay busy enough. Then I mope. I can hardly wait until I get to a place where I'm not thinking about what happened to my life. I want to carve out my new life and begin to erase the old life.

I want to carve out my new life and begin to erase the old life.

Yes!!!!

And I find it pretty much impossible to do in the midst of this pandemic.

I need a JOB - super duper bad.....

Happy New Years Eve Eve womenz. Appreciate all your feedback, it helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way, although I wish we didn't have to, right?

@gmc - keeping my fingers crossed for you on your job hunt

@CBS - amen to everything you said.

@hedwig - good for you for getting outdoors, it definitely does help with the mood and thoughts. Wil make sure I get outside today! I'm envious that you can go to a beach!!!

@BnB - douchenozzle makes me laugh, always!

@skeeter - I love the idea of a mantra. I talked about it with my therapist yesterday. Just need to find one that works for me.

@Ellie - very very true, it's only been a few weeks and I'm WAY better than I was last time. Definitely progress.

It was his daughter's birthday yesterday. We exchanged a few text messages, it was lovely and made me really happy, especially one comment which made me laugh out loud. I didn't overstep, but was glad she responded. It also didn't send me spiraling which is good.

And then today, It's xWBF's birthday today. The main thing I feel is sad for him. Sad that he doesn't get to be with me. His family never really did the birthday celebration thing, so I over-compensated somewhat. I always did thoughtful gifts for him. Last year I genuinely knocked it out of the part - I remember being surprised at his surprise at just how thoughtful the gifts were. I now know he'd already planned on breaking up with me, so he was feeling terrible / guilty / shamed.

In therapy yesterday, when I said that he’s really lost so much goodness and love in his life when he lost me with his selfish actions, I actually wasn’t just saying the words - I actually meant it. I’m a freakin’ catch. I really am. I loved him. I loved his children like they were my own. I made the house a home. I’m smart, funny, independent, well travelled, extremely well educated, compassionate, passionate, kind and generous.

Wow. It’s weird writing down those things as I never really sing my own praises.

I woke up yesterday feeling calm. Knowing - KNOWING - I will be ok. I feel the same way today. This is very good. It's been a while since that happened.

But there is a little bit of pettiness as well - is it ok that I want him to be feeling the lack of me today? And for him to be surprised / shocked when I don't reach out to him - I'm sure he thinks I will, because I'm that kind of person. But I absolutely am not going to. Don't even want to, to be honest. He doesn't deserve my birthday wishes.

As for NYE, I have a couple of options with friends in my bubble, but I'm thinking I might just stay solo, get some take out, and hit the hay before midnight. I kinda like the thought of just sleeping in the new year.

How's everyone holding up today???

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:22 AM, December 30th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

@OOL you should be proud of yourself for coming so far! Not wanting to reach out on his birthday - that's great progress. And he will likely think you have forgotten. Good! Let him ruminate on what he's lost for a change.

New Year's Eve...when everyone reflects on the past year and the positive changes they will enact in the coming year. Sucks to be planning without the person who has been the core of your hopes, dreams, goals and plans. Like CBS and GMC, I wish to carve out my new life. Unfortunately, long term planning is escaping me at the moment. The best I am able to do is put some hiking trips on the calendar, hoping COVID exits the stage and makes travel possible again. It's a start anyway.

I am fortunate to be spending NYE with my mom, my brother, and their spouses, all people I feel safe with, and all of whom have quarantined for the past month. A simple meal, a few beers and likely to bed before midnight.

Anyone else? What are your NYE plans?

But there is a little bit of pettiness as well - is it ok that I want him to be feeling the lack of me today?

Pffft. I hope my ex and all his skanks catch necrotizing fasciitis of the genitals... So yeah, I think your petty is fine

NYE - I am hanging by myself with my wuppers. Staying up til midnight so I can give 2020 a double-finger send-off. I have never ever been so ready for a year to go away!

@BnB - I’m so glad you have plans with the family tomorrow!

@Ellie

I have never ever been so ready for a year to go away!

Amen girl.

Having been good all day, struggling a bit this evening with ruminating thoughts - again, it’s nights alone that make it worse. Still no desire to reach out to him but there are feelings of guilt I think for not wishing him Happy Birthday. Silly I know. It just feels rude. He has his kids for NYE this year, so he will have company. I wish he was seeing in the new year alone and miserable.

I know it’s amplified because it’s his birthday today which I always looked forward to, but it’s a general trend. Need to figure out how to shift this mindset in the evenings.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 8:20 PM, December 30th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

HELLO ladies!

Just saw this thread was active and lookie here you all are having a NYE party!

I’m 100% team petty— as long is it just a side fantasy and not taking up good real estate in your brain, then heck yeah!

2020 can just fuck right off.

Just wanted to wish all of you strong brave women a Happy New Year!

We are all still standing. And I agree fuck 2020...2021 is our year to live, heal, thrive and find peace...what ever that looks like for each one of us.

I could not have made it through my shit show without the support and kindness of everyone at SI. Thank you all!

Spending New Years with my kids...quiet but I am okay with that. But I do have a bottle chilling...likely to drink it all myself! Lol.

Made it through the first Christmas alone and now the first New Years without WH. It’s been about 6 months since he passed. His birthday at the end of January will be the next hurdle.

I feel like I have been only surviving and not living but I have a gut feeling that this new year will bring good things....my kids and I have weathered so much...we need some good times ahead. Not hoping for a lot...just continued peace and healing.

I want to carve out my new life and begin to erase the old life

.

Yes, yes, yes!

I’d like to join your NYE party, I’ve been lurking for a while. I’m almost as ready for 2020 to end as I was for 2019.

My parents have the kids for a couple of nights so it’s just me and my husband tonight, well my MIL is next door. I think I’ll go to bed early as usual, I’m trying to fix my sleep, staying up drinking won’t help with that.

Hedwig, your trip to the beach sounds amazing!!

In therapy yesterday, when I said that he’s really lost so much goodness and love in his life when he lost me with his selfish actions, I actually wasn’t just saying the words - I actually meant it. I’m a freakin’ catch. I really am. I loved him. I loved his children like they were my own. I made the house a home. I’m smart, funny, independent, well travelled, extremely well educated, compassionate, passionate, kind and generous.

OOL - Yes to all of that! I'm with you about feeling rude around this birthday crap. My STBX has a birthday coming up at the end of the month and it's already giving me anxiety. I'll feel like a jerk if I don't acknowledge it and I'm certain he'll send some pathetic poor-me message stating the same.

I hope my ex and all his skanks catch necrotizing fasciitis of the genitals

OMG Ellie. Yes, please. Let's hope this condition makes its way to every cheater on the planet please.

GMC, I am seriously considering something like driving for Uber Eats just to get myself out of the house a bit.

CBS, B&B, UG, TH999 and everyone - hope I didn't miss anyone!! Please have the happiest New Year.

Thank you all for your wisdom and compassion this past year. You've all been my lifeline.

Happy New Year's Eve everyone!!

I hope you all are doing well.

I go back to work on Monday (crossing my fingers it doesn't get delayed for the 4th time), so I will definitely be laying low tonight as well as the next few days.

I rarely drink anymore, but I may even have a glass of wine. I'm trying to think of a fun meal to make tonight, but I seem to only have about 3/4 of what I need for any particular meal soooo I might need to run to the store soon.

Oh, and re: the job thing. Instacart/DoorDash/UberEats/Postmates. I recommend it if you just really want to get out of the house, but it won't make you a ton unless you're really picky about which orders you take, and right now there are so many people competing for the orders that it's hard to get all good ones.

Instacart requires you to be in stores more so if you're worried about exposure I don't recommend it. But the food delivery you make less money, though you're only having to pop in to places, and everything is contactless delivery. So there's the trade off.

But it is a good distraction, and maybe even a way to start setting a little money aside if you're not finding anything in your job market.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 3:04 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

HHADL,

Happy New Year! I just made blackeyed peas and baked bread for my meal. The peas are supposed to be good luck.

I hope you have a good night and that work restarts for you. Thanks for the tips on driving. I definitely don't want to be in stores anymore than necessary.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I spent NYE at my best friends. Me, her and her GF had an amazing evening. We laughed and talked and watched fireworks. The loveliest people and I couldn't have wished for anyone better to ring in the new year with.

Spent the morning and afternoon nursing a terrible hangover, now I'm headed home and feeling beter. Probably gonna do a little take-out and watch tv. Anyone seen handmaid's tale already? I saw the first episode this morning and I'm hooked!

Played cards with family last night and planning the same for today. Just kind of laying low, taking it easy. And, yes, Hedwig, I LOVED Handmaid's Tale! You won't be able to step away. :)

Happy New Year everyone!

[This message edited by BentandBroken at 12:44 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

I was hooked on Handmaid's Tale - can't wait for the next season but man, it's tough to watch sometimes.

I had a great New Year's. Played online monopoly with friends, watched an episode of Wynonna Earp with my son and drank a little hard cider - total debauchery old lady style

He pitifully texted last night and again today. I found myself struggling once again with this guilt about dumping him. I googled narcissists and tears, etc. to try to understand his seeming heartbreak (albeit accompanied by zero change). I want to believe it's all a con and feigned and image management etc. but I can't shake the feeling that he's genuinely heartbroken, albeit for himself.

I came up with a metaphor in the shower. STBX detonated a bomb on the boat we were in. He's flailing in the water, begging me to help him get to shore, but I know if I do, he'll pull me under. So, I have to leave him behind and let him sink or swim on his own. He might or might not make it anyway if I try to help him but I know for sure I won't.

A burning building makes a good analogy too - I can only save one person - him or me. Since saving him won't result in anything but my destruction - there's no point. Being his friend, talking to him, letting him think there's hope - none of it will fix him. At best it gives him a few minutes or days of feeling better and I end up stuck and suffering when he triggers or traumatizes me yet again. He's had fifty years to figure out his issues and he's gotten nowhere. There's no way I'm the cure for what ails him.

Dee, you wrote something a few months ago that was so profound for me - we can't let people like them destroy good people like us (paraphrasing). We don't always come out of this in one piece. Some of us don't make it out at all. However sad it is that the universe or circumstances broke these men, we can't fix them (also a Dee-ism) so we need to save ourselves.

This is the last sticking point for me - seeing him in pain, knowing he's too mentally ill to get himself straightened out or even fully understand what he's done and leaving him to his suffering. It isn't fair that some people are that fucked up. I feel something like survivor's guilt because as horrendous as this has been for me, I know I can make it back to normalcy and happiness. He can't. Having said that, it has been so incredibly challenging to heal from him. The ups and downs and lostness I feel at times frightens the crap out of me. I've never felt unstable and scared like this.

It's been about 17 months since the big dday for me. I hope that two year healing thing is accurate. If so, this promises to be a decent year, no matter what else happens.

I wish you all so much serenity, love and healing this year.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 6:56 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

(((Skeeter)))

It is hard for an empathetic person to put themself first. Feeling compassion for him is okay because that speaks volumes about who you are as a person. But you're very right that you can't save him. You owe YOU to save yourself.

Nc nc nc. Imho no other tool in your toolbox is as important as that one. Can you block him? Because even if you don't respond, reading his bullshit erodes your confidence in your choice to leave his lyin ass...

Ellie,

Why do I have so much misplaced empathy? I sort of hate myself for it but omg when I see him weeping it's pretty tough. It's like triage right? You put the sickest people first. And since I see myself as strong and capable of getting through this, I end up worrying more about him than myself. Even though he's the mofo who dropped the bomb on the marriage. He's dangerous. He's not a victim - he's a perpetrator. He made this all happen and he had the power to get me back through a genuine R attempt, which he couldn't be bothered to do. I know I've done all I can. He's done nothing but feel sorry for himself.

Yet, I haven't blocked him. The last several days I've not responded to the cry babying texts. For months now, I've had his emails going to spam, so if he's sending more of those long winded ridiculous missives I don't see them and don't want to. But I agree 100% - even reading his crap texts, without responding, impacts me. I'm very slowly coming around to the idea that it's perhaps not too harsh to go NC. After what he did to me - both cheating and the incredible emotional abuse afterwards - he doesn't deserve my kindness, attention or audience. It all still feels so barely real to me that I can't always hold onto the truth of what he did if that makes sense. My self preservation won't allow me to go back, but I really can't keep my brain fully connected to the reality of his behavior. Seeing him for the perpetrator he is just hasn't happened yet.

Tbh I don't think empathy is ever misplaced. It's a valid feeling that you need to work through. And it is sad, the wreck he's made of his life. Your being empathetic of that is not wrong and you should not hate yourself for it at all.

But.

He's a victim... of his own shitty behaviors. He's a victim of his choices. You leaving him and cutting him off is a natural and expected consequence for what he's done. Bet he still hasn't managed to connect those dots huh?

Yes, you need to go nc. Cold turkey. Interacting with him, even peripherally, keeps that wound open. That wound doesn't start healing until you clean it out, put ointment and a bandaid on it, and stop picking at it.

Happy New Year 2021 Womenzzzzzz!

I screwed up.

I signed up for the Christmas card exchange, filled out dozens of cards, applied lots of stamps

Then forgot to mail them out in time!

What’s worse is that I forgot two years in a row!

So now I have two large boxes of cards, and no place to send them. So, next year I will stalk the Christmas cards thread, and mail them to the address they post

I don’t know why I thought someone would message me where to send them instead of checking the freaking thread??

@20 Years, I did the same thing - waited for a PM regarding where to send the cards. And I totally missed the deadline, but received an amazingly uplifting stack of cards myself! I feel terrible, but also trying not to beat myself up too much. Impaired thinking is another gift of infidelity. Looks like you and I will both be sending double cards next year.

@Skeeter, you worked hard to get to where you are now - knowing your worth and not getting sucked back in by your ex. I don't know that I would have the steady resolve you are showing if my xWH were to reach out all teary eyed. Stay strong, girl! NC NC NC

Last night we had an icy snow and the trees are so beautiful this morning. There's a calm, quiet peace I am trying to tap in to.

Wishing everyone an anxiety-free day!