SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JustCrushed, I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. Meanwhile, this 4-word sentence has been a great friend to me.

"This too shall pass."

It has kept me humble in great times and it has gotten me through some really bad times. Anyway back to you...

Eventually the daughters will calm down and want to hear your side of the story. Eventually you will find the truth of what WW told family and friends and the real story will come out. Eventually your pain will subside. And even with this happening, eventually by then you will move past it.

Please keep posting, Friend. We are here for you.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:30 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

While everyone always thinks of phone numbers and social media, most of the time they forget about email.

Compose a not too long email detailing the truth. Send it to everyone she has poisoned. Get it to them all at the same time so no matter her reaction it will be too late.

Honestly you should have told the in laws immediately.

I hope you told your friend at least.

But you can’t go back and change time.

Of course you made mistakes and it’s understandable.

All you can do is move forward.

The truth is you are not those girls father.

She probably did tell them at least half truths.

It doesn’t matter now that you find a way through their defenses and tell them how screwed up their mother is.

It will just make you look worse.

If they reach out to you tell them but all you can do is move on.

Honestly it’s for the best. You were not going to keep a relationship with them long term without effort from their end.

This is why your lawyer did not want paying for their college in writing.

Also why a few of us were skeptical.

There is no point in fighting this battle.

Let it go.

Cut the college payments, get the rest of your stuff, sell the house and move on with your life.

I know it’s hard but it’s all you can do.

You’re still relatively young. You have time to move on and rebuild.

Just start moving on taking steps each day and eventually it will get better.

I’m so sorry. You deserved better.

JustCrushed:

So, so sorry you're having to deal with this. So much for an amicable divorce-- No good deed goes unpunished. You are justified in being livid.

I would tell your WW she has until Friday to fix this with your inlaws, step-daughters and close friends she has contacted. She has probably told your step-daughters that you have abandoned her (and them) and that you refuse to pay for their college expenses and thus their future is in doubt to garner such a response from your step-daughters (unless there were underlying other reasons-- did they ever have the "You're not my Dad" attitude?)

It's funny that the last couple of pages have been about whether to show the texts. I was against showing the texts unless there was doubt expressed, now the gloves are off. I would send an email to your WW that
1) you would like to take your daughters out to dinner to tell them your goodbye as their step-father (not for an ultimate goodbye for life)
2) I would expect at least a phone call from her parents so that you can express how much they meant to you these past 14 years; and
3) Friends can be trickier but I would tell your wife if she has lied about the reasons for the divorce or if she has cast aspersions against you, she needs to formally correct those falsehoods in writing by email to all said friends, which you need to be CC'd on.

If she fails to take these actions by Friday, all documentation of her affair (texts, audio files from VAR, etc) will be posted on your Facebook page along with your side of the story as to why you are divorcing your wife. All interested parties will be tagged as well. Of course, run everything past your attorney first.

If she fails to take these actions -- you may also reconsider your stance in the divorce. No more amicable, nice guy approach. A good offense is a good defense. Be prepared to tell your attorney to begin a discovery war-- multiple interrogatories; requests for production including all of her bank, financial investments, credit card records and retirement accounts; request for admissions (to include admitting she had a sexual relationship with the AP); start to issue subpoenas for depositions not only for your WW but to include the AP and her GNO friends to prove her affair on the record. Now, you may not follow through with all of these especially the depositions. But tell your attorney what your wife has done recently and you no longer want to play nice. He or she will know what to do.. now this will cost you some more in legal fees (here's to billable hours!) But if I recall right, your WW hasn't even retained an attorney yet, right? She even went to visit your attorney on her own? Your WW is trying to get you to spend the $$ on your own attorney and the divorce and she hasn't spent a dime on a lawyer or legal fees yet, right? Screw that...have your attorney send the written discovery requests directly to her, have her served with a subpoena for a deposition at your attorney's office. She'll be scared shitless by the paperwork and subpoena and forced to hire an attorney, oh no! consequences!

Also, no more buying out your share of the house... she doesn't get to keep the house... the house goes onto the market, she gets to be uprooted, she doesn't get to live in the family home like nothing happened.

Yes, she may get an attorney and they run to your attorney waving the white flag to beg a quick and easy settlement to avoid the discovery and depositions but make her "earn" it... don't give it to her on a silver platter.

Now off to take my blood pressure medicine... sorry for the length.

Well, what would absolutely be wracking my mind is that there are some huge unknowns here.

Did WW tell her family that the reason OP is filing for D, is because of her affair? What do WW's friends' husbands know? Does WW's family think that JC should just rugsweep her affair? Was their love for him really that conditional?

OP doesn't really know any of this. I mean, for all we know so far, it is possible that everyone does know of WW's awful affair but they are still excommunicating JC anyway. (Infidelity is a lot more common than many people think, and too many people are all too fine living in it, I suppose.) OR WW told everyone a bunch of lies about JC and why their marriage is breaking up.

What is the most puzzling to me is WW's friends' husbands's reactions. They of anyone I think would be the most likely to empathize with JC. Are these guys getting in line with WW due to their wives' orders?

But, yeah. THIS is why a few of us were pleading with JC to make sure that people had the truth. I mean, as said already, for all we know it is possible that people do have the truth and are still excommunicating JC. But this is a huge unknown, and when it comes to important things, it is usually best to do what we can to eliminate these types of unknowns.

Hi, JC, I'm so so sorry.

Another poster mentioned emailing your daughters, I'd try that option if possible.

I also agree that your wife probably told her family a trove of lies, I hope you can find a way to get the truth out there. Does your WW have any other family you can contact? Your friends need to know exactly what happened as well. Not her truth, the truth.

Unfortunately, you are at war now with your WW, no more Mr. Nice Guy as far as the divorce is concerned.

She has shown you who she really is despite her tears and pleading.

You will get through this, lean on people in your circle who have your back.

You did nothing wrong.

@NukeZombie,

I definitely share a lot of your anger to the unfairness of this situation towards JC. But a lot of this stuff you are advising won't work and will backfire.

1. Posting dirty laundry on SM will end up hurting JC at least as much as anyone else.

2. If the daughters will not even take a phone call from JC, they will not meet him for dinner.

I DEFINITELY agree with you that JC needs to consult with his attorney and apprise him/her of events. I also think he needs to press WW for what exactly others were told. He shouldn't take his WW at her word--she likely won't tell the literal truth, but hemming and hawing or an indignant attitude demonstrated on her part or an unwillingness to put things right with her family, will reveal a lot. He can also let her know that, among other things, he does not have to keep up with daughter's tuition. (With JC's attorney's advice possibly overriding this.)

ETA: My guess now is that WW did tell family of affair but downplayed it as some sort of 'mistake', and they and everyone else thinks JC is somehow the bad guy for not "working through it"...or even worse for not rugsweeping

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:11 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

Have you considered sending your MIL, Fil, and her daughters each a Certified Mail package with Return Receipt Requested containing the evidence you have? Especially those two very derogatory messages and the PI report on the AP.

Maybe run that by your attorney and get their opinion.

Just a thought.

I am sorry this happened to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 9:20 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

1. Posting dirty laundry on SM will end up hurting JC at least as much as anyone else.

2. If the daughters will not even take a phone call from JC, they will not meet him for dinner.

I agree, the SM posting is the nuke it from orbit approach, but it's the threat of doing so to get his WW to 'fix' the lies she told... he doesn't have to press the nuke button and post to SM but the threat to do so may be enough for her to take corrective actions. What reasonable person would want their text messages to their affair partner being posted on the internet?? Now granted, this presumes the WW is a reasonable person which may be too much of a presumption, only JustCrushed really knows his WW.
JustCrushed... how do you think your WW would react to the posting of all of her text messages with the AP? Do you think she would be ambivalent or mortified? Only you can know. If she would be ambivalent because she has reached the F-it-all stage then the threat holds no power but I kinda doubt that's the situation right now.

The daughters have blocked him because of what the WW have told them... if she calls them up and says JustCrushed wants to have dinner, and encourages them to meet JustCrushed, they'll most likely do so. Everyone wants to hear both sides of the story, if there invested in the situation... and the stepdaughters are definitely invested in the situation. If the step-daughters think about it enough they'll realize they have nothing to lose but a lot to gain to meet up with JustCrushed...

Again it's up to the WW to fix this mess, if she doesn't, the gloves come off.

She needs to realize this.

JC

I am so sorry. I am physically angry, so I can only imagine how you feel.

To the others, this is why the BS should stop cedeling the initiative in messaging. We have the truth on our side. Why should we be afraid to use it?

Well, as someone who was adamantly against showing the texts..I have changed my mind.

Show them. Show her parents, and mutual friends the unedited version. I still say black out the vulgar parts of the texts,when showing the stepdaughters.

She has clearly lied about the reasons for the divorce. She either told them you are the cheater, or you have abused her.

The kids deserve the truth. This is their family. Amd the only father they've known. They deserve to know dad isn't deserting them because he's been betraying their mother, and them,with another woman.

Her parents are adults. They deserve the truth.

The mutual friends..I'd show them the evidence..then I would go NC with them, because they clearly aren't your friends.

But..yes..I'd show the texts..everyone deserves to know you aren't the bad guy here. Especially the girls you've helped raise.

It’s obvious that your WW has given a watered down version to everyone where she is the victim. I wouldn’t spend too much energy trying to talk to any of them. Blood is often thicker than water and friends don’t understand the impact of infidelity until it happens to them.

This makes a good case for you to withhold any financial support to the daughters. If I were you I would take a step back from these people, not try to indulge. Focus solely on your healing and recovery. While this experience brings back your childhood abandonment trauma, remember none of it really is your fault. Life and people can be unpredictable.

Please take care and again, be very kind to yourself.

Do not go scorched earth - what's that going to do other than send your blood pressure shooting through the roof, confirm WWs probably fake narrative you are the true villain and get a protective order against you.

Communicate in writing using BIFF method.

Research cluster B disorders as you won't beat a lifelong manipulator at their own game. Concede defeat on that front and maintain distance and neutrality toward her.

At a stretch let the girls know you are available to speak to them when they are ready, but honestly if they know she cheated just focus on your relationship with them and their lives, not all WW's nefarious goings on as she is not part of your life anymore.

Consider what any behaviour/contact would look like in front of a judge.

See your doctor for assistance with anxiety etc - short term meds are ok if the alternative is mental breakdown.

Now is the time to sort the wheat from the chaff in your friends and family circle (blood is thicker than water and all that, but the friends thing is weird so ditch that lot too and find your true inner circle)

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 9:46 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

I agree with everyone. Show your evidence. It seems clear to me based on the husbands of your wife’s friends she has come up with a lie. I would find a way to talk to your daughters in person so they know the truth. Your in laws will side with your stbxw but it would be good if they knew the truth. To a lesser degree the same applies to your friends. But this is what I want to say to you. Your wife has shown you who she is. Now you know. Remember thinking about starting that new life with a new career. Dive into that as hard as you can. Use that to focus your attention on. I’m not saying don’t correct the lies. Figure out the best way to set the record straight for the three groups of people you are dealing with then forget it as best you can. Set your sights on your new life. You have the text messages and the PI report. That is your ace in the hole. Use this to leverage your wife to come clean and you want to hear it from everyone that she has. Then forget them. Your new life is waiting. And it’s anything you want it to be. One last thing, after talking to your attorney, tell your wife unless she comes clean you will pay zero for girls college. I’m sorry that this has happened to you JC.

Just Crushed,

I’m so heartbroken for you. You didn’t create this chaos, tornado shit-storm, and you’re getting the blame. Stand tall, with your head held high. I know you feel abandoned and alone. But we’re all with you here at SI, and I continue to pray for you. When you look in the mirror, repeat to yourself that you are loved. You don’t feel it right now, but trust me, you are. One of my favorite movies is "The Help". There is a line from the movie where the Black Maid-Nanny, says to the little girl "You is good, you is kind, you is important." I also understand childhood trauma. My Grandfather sexually abused me from the time I was 4 years old until I was about 13. I’ve forgiven him. But it’s never going away completely. Hang in there.

Is it possible that the wife’s friends have themselves indulged in cheating iand have done damage control before you even got to talking to their husbands?

Also, please know that this is typical behavior of someone with regret not remorse. This makes her an unlikely candidate for reconciliation now or in the future. Like others said, she has shown her true colors.

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 10:25 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

I then called the husbands of our two closest friends and they both had similar stories.

Are these friends part of the GNO group? If so I would definitely make sure the husbands know your STBXWW cheated and what’s more their wives were present when it started.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 10:23 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

Keep this in mind. Your WW has been lying and scheming for quite a long time. She's way better at it than you are. Plus, she is light years ahead of you in terms of the adversarial relationship that you barely even realize you are in. You need to start viewing her thus: as your adversary. Until your divorce is final, that's what she is. In hindsight, it's clear that your WW wanted you to formalize and "lock in" your college support for the girls precisely because she was/is planning to estrange them from you.

I would absolutely take the position (in the divorce) that your ongoing contribution to the girls' college is at your discretion and will depend on the quality of your relationship with them going forward.

I'll reiterate a piece of my advice from earlier, but with modifications. As to your divorce, make sure your lawyer is poised to go "full junkyard dog" on your behalf.

In the meantime, minimize your conversations with your WW. Try to make sure all conversations go through the lawyers. You should expect that anything you say will be used by your WW against you if possible.

Finally, get a small, discreet VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it turned on and with you EVERY TIME you have any conversation with your WW. Among other things, false charges of domestic violence are very common divorce tactics by cheating wives. Clearly, your WW is willing to stoop very low.

Edited later:

If I were a betting man, I'd bet that the narrative your WW is telling her parents, daughters, and friends is something along the lines of the following: "I made a mistake, I regret it more than anything, I begged and pleaded JC for a chance to make it right, but he was a complete asshole about it, he refused to talk to me or listen to anything I had to say, instead he just rushed straight to a divorce. It almost feels like he was happy this happened because he wanted a divorce. And, to top it off, now he is refusing to pay his share of my daughters' college expenses. My whole family has planned out this college and we have relied on his contribution. He's throwing my mistake in my face and using it to hurt my daughters and my family."

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:55 PM, Thursday, March 28th]

JustCrushed

I have no words. Sending prayers your way brother. You have the prayers and well wishes of all of SI on your side.

I urge SIers not to tell JC "I told you so" because it's clear that he gets it and such messages only pour salt on his wounds.

Your WW will have to answer to her maker for the intentional and relentless cruelty she has and continues to inflict on you. She is a coldhearted shrew.

I can only imagine what this feels like, JC. EVERYTHING that you feared could possibly happen to you, in the way of a loving family unit, is playing out in real life. There are no words that can say how wrong this is, and how sorry we are.

You played the good husband. You played the good father. You played the good son....because you are those things. Yes, it is falling down on you hard at the moment, but that was none of your doing. The only way not to get hurt, is to close yourself off to the world, so no one can get close. But that's no way to live. No matter what, over a third of your life, to this point, WAS all the things that you wanted. It's hard to separate the good from the tragic, but up until a couple months ago, things were good in your world. That time in your life existed, and can't be undone.

Right now your world is in chaos. Due strictly to your wife's actions. I don't know what she has or has not said, nor do I know the personalities of your inlaws, but that response from your MIL was nothing short of disgusting. 14 years and not even the respect to kindly ask you to leave....if she has some ill notion that you are the problem in the marriage. She either has some real mental issues, or has been told some great untruths about yourself. If the sting of your daughters cutting off contact(currently) isn't bad enough, the closest thing you may have had to parents that welcomed you in as family.....it's just wrong on every single level.

But JC, this pain isn't permanent. I won't give you any bullshit platitudes about how everything will be okay, because it can't. Your wife can't undo the damage she has created. But I will tell you that it does get better, and it will get better. It's not what you wanted, but I'm telling you--a guy of your character will not go unrewarded. I don't know how it will end up, but better times are definitely ahead. Ask most of the members here who are years out. You won't have to stay mired in this mess. It hurts like hell; way more than we could have imagined, but we have come out the other side....better than when we first entered.