SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Friend – I don’t think many (if any) have told you that what she did automatically demands or leads to you divorcing her.
In fact, I offer you very clear hope that your marriage CAN survive her actions. But… only from the truth.
I am very aware that human interactions and stories can vary immensely and that MAYBE your wife has told you the truth. But I am also 100% certain that IF she HASN’T then ANY work you place into reconciliation is NOT GOING TO WORK.

I don’t think many have outright claimed her story is false, but we have ALL suggested you take it with a big grain of salt, and that you confirm her story. We have also given you a lot of tips on how to corroborate what she states.

Think long-term: Envision yourself maybe 15 years from now. You two might have done everything to make your marriage as good as possible. You two might be in a better place than ever before. Do you think that is possible if one of you is keeping such an immense secret? If you flip the pages of the JFO forum you will find threads about infidelity discovered 10-20 years later. Generally, its because the WS can’t carry that cross of secrecy anymore and has a need to share to move forwards. The damage caused those years later can be worse than whatever damage the truth can do NOW.

Discovering this was the second time, or discovering now that this was Jack her co-worker, or discovering now that this was her old boyfriend or whatever… will cause less damage and do more to helping you save the marriage than anything you might discover in the future.
Being assured (by simple investigation) that she’s telling the truth will help your recovery more than any doubt you carry along.

That assurance can be so simple:
How did she pay and how much? Where are the withdrawals leading up to it? She can probably give you a 90-120 day bank-statement in less than 10 minutes where you can reasonably see an excess of 1000 USD (or whatever currency you use) to pay for the sex-worker. If in doubt then follow up with a price-check on the services.
The hotel. When printing out the statement she can do the same for her credit-card. If she claims it was paid in cash then phone the hotel and ask if they accept cash-payments. Find the amount in the bank-statement. No transaction = look for how she could have skimmed the account for sex-worker AND hotel.
The activities. If sex-worker was with her for 15 hours and they spent time at an art-museum then they also had a meal. Look for evidence. If none found then again – how did she pay and look for the trail in the bank-statement.

Then make logical assumptions. Like a sex-worker doesn’t pay for the meals and hotel, but a lover does.

Your last post adds to my doubts rather than helps her case. If we line up some of the statements you have made:
This was the first time. Yet she was very clear on what she wanted. You mention the dating experience (known as the boyfriend or girlfriend experience and a need for some emotional attachment) and that she took him to an art-museum… That’s an unusual date for a woman that wants her "brains banged" (your words…). IMHO "brains banged" is more of a knock on the hotel-door, rip my clothes off and go for it sort of scenario. I doubt having discussed the subtilties of 17th century artwork is a turn-on for anyone on a first date.

Shipney,
Years ago, I took a course in rescue-swimming. About 2/3 of that course was learning how to disengage from a struggling person that didn’t listen to your orders and would pull you down with him. Basically – if someone didn’t comply or didn’t become manageable you got rid of them and simply focused on self-preservation. IMHO you have a big team of experienced life-guards all around you offering you sage advice on how to save yourself (and very possibly your marriage as well). I’m going to swim to the peripheral and note your next response(s) before I make another attempt to help you. After all – it’s hard to help someone that has decided to remain in infidelity.

Sorry for your situation Shipney. If you are mostly accurately informed and it is indeed a one time event then I personally think that makes R a bit easier, although it is never easy. I chose R from a one time event and years later I am very glad I did not leave her.

However, count me in the group of skeptics that you have the full story. No doubt it is possible that you might. But time and time again people here have found that the WS lies to minimize the situation. By time and time again I mean something like 80-90% of the time. That does not mean your WW is lying but clearly you must admit she is capable of lying to you because that's what she did when she planned this weekend away in the first place. Many betrayed spouses desperately want to believe they are getting the truth when D day hits and they hear the minimized story and that makes it hard.

People have presented a lot of questions that a reasonable person not emotionally embroiled in the situation would find compelling to point to the idea that she is minimizing what happened. Yes, it may hurt to press her on these facts but in the collective experience here it will hurt more when this keeps rearing it's head as times over the years as nagging doubts re-occur. Better to pull the bandaid off all at once now. And things do re-emerge years later even if you have a successful R. I moved back to the area many years later and it brought up triggers despite being happily married.

It might be helpful to write down the reasons you feel the facts are adding up in one column and all the legitimate questions people have raised in another. How do they stack up? You could also share your current column with us here and that might help quiet our reservations that you may not have the full story.

In an official (CSIC/RTVE) survey in Spain, in 2008, without data on the number of participants, etc...:

Have you ever paid for sex?

(Table with 3 columns and 4 rows. Currently displaying rows 1 to 4.)

Male/Female

Yes, once

10.2%M/0.1%F

Yes, more than once 21.9%/0.2%

No never

66.3%/98.8%

Does not answer

1.6%/0.9%

All this before the iPhone and the boom of the

dating webpages in Spain.

https://www.rtve.es/noticias/20220526/radiografia-prostitucion-espana/2351461.shtml

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 1:31 PM, Tuesday, November 21st]

We have members on this site who accepted the story their WW spouse told them from the beginning. Some have come back DECADES later wishing they would have left or at least gotten the full story. You can't completely heal until all of the shrapnel is removed. You can rug-sweep and pretend, but you can't heal. I guarantee that if you don't heal, you won't be able to move on in a healthy way. It will always be eating at you, and you will always wonder.

At least do this; set up a polygraph and put a VAR in her car where she can't find it. There is more to find here.

I am one of those who "found out many years later". It feels like having my life stolen from me.

I got "some" truth in real time, but not THE truth.

I believed her because I wanted to, not because I should have.

As others have said, this doesn’t "add up". She was going to hire an escort last time but "lost her nerve"? Going from that to a "15 hr boyfriend experience" is a HUGE leap. The all-nighter/boyfriend experience is usually an "escalation" after the client has met an escort they really like and have a connection with. Most women feel too vulnerable to have an overnight with a complete stranger on the very first interaction. Maybe your wife is the exception, maybe not. If this IS an escort, my money would be on "banging brains out" the first trip, the "boyfriend experience" on the second at a minimum.

You can "trust but verify". You have been given many good suggestions on how.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 5:31 PM, Tuesday, November 21st]

We have members on this site who accepted the story their WW spouse told them from the beginning.

Raising my hand. If you desire R, then now is the time for skepticism and trust but verify. If you offer reconciliation without truth, then you may invest in a false reconciliation. It is not pleasant. Some marriages can be saved, but none are saved without absolute honesty. I hope all is well, please get your sleep, eat, exercise, and spend time with family, friends, and those who have your best interest at heart.

There is a lot coming at you here. Please know that you don’t have to justify anything to us. You can do what seems best to you, and as long as you keep coming here you will get people’s best intentioned advice and emotional support. We have a saying here: take what you need, leave the rest. You don’t have to be perfect, you can give yourself permission to just survive in your darkest moment. We’ll be here for you.

Shipney,
ImaChump layed out what I think would be the most probable sicario. I would tellyour WW you’ll need a polygraph to confirm she hasn’t done anything else before. I’m willing to bet most everything that you’ll get a confession. It might go all the way to the parking lot, but you’ll get one. If you really don’t want to know, then stay the course.

Stupid question,

But why not hire the pro again?
Hire him to come out and tell you what happened. Tell him you’re into cuckold stuff and you want them to describe what happened in front of you.m with her there because it makes you hot.

If it’s really a pro, he will be willing to do it for money.

Then cancel once he agrees. Tell him you got scared or something.

This will help you find out if it’s a pro.

Or get a woman to call him looking for his services. Why not DM some woman here to call him for you and try to set up services?

Or get your wife to set up a return with him again. Repeat customer. While you’re on speakerphone.

I’m an older woman. 47. I don’t believe this story she’s telling you. Sorry.

Or get your wife to set up a return with him again. Repeat customer. While you’re on speakerphone.

I suggested this earlier. If she contacted their services once, she will know how to do it again. It would help you get the truth.

I hate to say this, but you have possibly the best situation in terms of verifying your wife's statements.

I have only posed once prior to this, but I have followed this site for a years. In your case, the answer is very simple.
Ask your wife to help you verify her statements. Simply say something along the lines of, "I want to save our marriage. I love you, but you lied to me. Help me prove your story."

If she is telling the truth, or at the very least, the general truth, she will go out of her way to help verify it. What does she have to lose? She said I hired an escort. If she did, then how does helping you prove her statements true hurt her anymore? You already have the truth. In fact, it helps her to help you verify the truth because she will then be credible in every other area at that point.

If she deflects, then you knows she's lying. Of course, deflection will come in a variety of colors.

1. She will attempt to paint you the bad guy for not just believing her. She'll claim that she is telling the truth and try to
gaslight you.

2. She will try to shift blame onto you. Stating that your relationship drove her to this point.

3. She will claim that she is incapable of providing the truth. In this case, she will be unable to contact the escort
(which is nonsense, since she could contact him to have relations)

I hate to say this, but you have possibly the best situation in terms of verifying your wife's statements as anybody on this forum.

I have only posed once prior to this, but I have followed this site for a years. In your case, the answer is very simple.

Ask your wife to help you verify her statements. Simply say something along the lines of, "I want to save our marriage. I love you, but you lied to me. Help me prove your story. If it is true, maybe we can work through it."

If she is telling the truth, or at the very least, the general truth, she will go out of her way to help verify it. What does she have to lose? She said I hired an escort. If she did, then how does helping you prove her statements true hurt her anymore? If she is being truthful, you already have the truth, and the worst of it. In fact, it helps her to help you verify the truth because she will then be credible in every other area at that point.

If she deflects, then you knows she's lying. Of course, deflection will come in a variety of colors.

1. She will attempt to paint you the bad guy for not just believing her. She'll claim that she is telling the
truth and trying to gaslight you. Don't fall for it. If she claims you should trust her, ask why. Proof of
her story is simple, and if she is trying to blame to you or dodge responsibility, she is lying.

2. She will try to shift blame onto you, by stating that your relationship drove her to this point.

3. She will claim that she is incapable of providing the truth. In this case, she will be unable to contact the
escort (which is nonsense, since she could contact him to have date in the first place), or she will be
incapable of providing hotel receipts, etc...

4. She will try to prevent you from inquiring further. Basically trying to deflect you from inquiry or shift
your attention.

Basically, it comes down to this. She has the ability to provide proof. She simply needs to contact the escort with you present. She needs to provide hotel data, etc..., or she is lying. I know it is not a pleasant prospect, but you need to look at it. If you don't, you will never be able to accept reconciliation. You will always doubt, and always be miserable at some level. Do you really want to be questioning everything twenty years from now?

[This message edited by ForceOfWill at 9:11 AM, Wednesday, November 22nd]

Providing a hotel receipt does nothing. He knew she was on the trip. He knew she stayed in a hotel.

Slight chance she could call the escort personally. If she hired a professional, he works for an agency. She doesn't have his number. But,she could call the agency,and ask to schedule a session with Bob(or whatever she claims his name is). Then she needs to tell them she is a returning client, and the person on the other end of the phone should be able to find her in their records.

Unfortunately, I don't think OP is going to investigate this at all. He has decided to go with this story his wife has told him. He seems to have dismissed that she clearly has zero problem lying to him. That, according to her,she plotted this for a very long time,setting money aside to cheat on him,points to her incredible deception. Yet, he's decided to now believe her.

The truth will come out. It's a bad lie. Bad lies usually don't last long.

OP..we get it. We really do. We understand the need to believe our spouse after dday. If you find out the truth,we will be here to help you. No one will say we told you so. You will have our full support.

OP..I do want to point out..many of the betrayed wives here are menopausal..We've been terribly neglected by our WS. Our self esteem has taken a huge hit. Yet..we haven't cheated. Maybe your wife was neglected, or maybe she used that as an excuse. The betrayed wives here have been cheated on. We certainly haven't gotten our needs met. We aren't cheating.

Because being hormonal, menopausal, is a ridiculous excuse. The other women,here,in menopause would tell you the same. Being neglected isn't an excuse either, otherwise every BS here would have become a WS.

These are very flimsy excuses.

Someone else mentioned that spending the entire night, sleeping, next to a stranger, would be unusual for a woman.

Men may not understand that. They don't necessarily have to worry for their safety in that situation. Women do.

Sure, when people are young, sometimes they have one night stands. But, women of a particular age? We know better. We know it's very dangerous. For your wife to have done this, she has to have been...very careless, or,not very smart. I bet she's an intelligent woman? Yes? Then this would have been an incredibly dangerous thing to do. Even if he was a professional. A strange man is a strange man.

Something to consider.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:09 PM, Wednesday, November 22nd]

In what way was her cheating "not easily repeatable?"

If she got once-in-a-lifetime backstage tickets to The Rolling Stones and got it on with Mick Jagger, maybe.

But she could easily find another random man to hook up with, if she wanted. If she wanted to hire an escort (which, again, is unlikely) she could easily bide her time and skim off the grocery money. And if our suspicions are correct and this is someone she knows and has a relationship with, all she’s going to do is take this underground.

No one here is telling you to divorce. What we are telling you is that if you don’t find the full truth, if you allow your wife to sweep this under the rug, and—worst of all—if you accept her excuses and maybe even assume some of the blame for her behavior, you are setting yourself up for death by 1000 cuts.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:56 PM, Thursday, November 23rd]

Hey Shipney. Just reaching out to see how you're holding up.

Dealing with infidelity at any time of year is extremely hard. Holidays add another dimension.

Shipney,
You seem to have made your peace with people questioning your wife and left. I will say, you are believing her because you don't want the 20 years with her to be a waste or reboot with someone with just as many issues. I stayed through worse than you, so I can't tell you how to work through this with yourself.
What I can tell you is that your wife spent a long time planning this sexual escape and she won't address that in marriage counseling.
The best thing you could do would be to recommend she post in the Wayward section with a stop sign. They will call her on any lying she does and help her get to the why that she used to push up her deserving this interaction. It wasn't boredom. It was a selfish desire to feel wanted by someone not her husband spurred on by aging is the direction you are heading. How is she going to push herself to find a way to fill that selfish need as she hits 60 or if you have a turn for the worse in health? That trust involved her knowing herself. She doesn't because she hasn't been able to gather the courage to talk to you about it. So maybe strangers could help.
Good luck and have some happy holidays. This is going to get to you in about a year. Just read like 3-4 stories and you will see the turning point I am mentioning. You aren't different, that is logically how your head will process it.

Shipney, right now you're in denial and doing the ostricht method, burrying your head in the sand havin all the maybes, what ifs. It's fear of being alone, but at this stage you can't keep pretending and ignoring.

If her story is true,it's just as bad as a full fledged affair. She plotted,and planned,for months,to betray you. She stole money from the family to do it.

It's astounding that you are taking her word for it,when it's quite clear she's very devious.

I will never understand how people can betray someone they love. When I realized my wh may be cheating on me again,I went deep into investigation,for several weeks. I was being sneaky,looking into his phone,after he went to bed,and researching all the strange numbers,looked through his pictures, his Google account, etc. All within my right to protect myself. I know that. Yet,I was hiding it from him. It literally made me sick. I am STILL dealing with the repercussions of that,physically. How anyone can plot to cheat on their spouse,for months, is beyond me. This has only shown me that when people here say anyone can cheat, it's something, imo,they tell themselves to make what their ws did more palatable. Because, no,not everyone can do it. I couldn't.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:31 PM, Tuesday, December 12th]

She went on a fun date, all the lead up to what was likely incredibly good sex. Imagine having one night where you can have your every need serviced?

Yup, she says "shame" to you but more likely it's an afterglow she'll be basking in for a very long time.

And of course now the deed is done, it's time to do whatever it takes to keep her life..I mean work on the marriage.