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Informing the OBS in my opinion is absolutely necessary. The fact that AP doesn’t know you know yet makes it even better. Yes there is an element of revenge there, which is fine. In my case, I felt fantastic being able to be the one to blow up AP’s shit. He deserved it and much more.

OP said:

" In my ideal world, my WH would write to the AP and tell her himself how much he regretted what he had done and that their 'liaison' had been the worst act of his life and that their carefully-constructed deception had been busted - oh, and also how awesome and amazing I am for giving him another chance at this stage of proceedings..."

If that’s your ideal world I think you should ask for it. You deserve it.

As far as the question of informing the OBS I get it. I feel exactly as you feel. Just because the AP doesn’t have the common decency to protect the wellbeing of families doesn’t mean I have to stoop to her level.

I told the OBS when I knew only that his wife had tried to kiss my spouse. (Little did I know my husband had reciprocated the 2nd time she tried and then carried on like that for months) The OBS basically told me to take a hike. As the AP continued to pursue contact in the years after D-day I reached out and kind of bitched and moaned about what she was doing. My impression was he found this annoying. Now that I have found out the full extent of the cheating I am torn about whether to contact him. I’m afraid he will insult me again.

Concern for children is no longer an issue because in my case because their kids are now adults. Particularly in the case of children I would want to be sure I was not doing it for revenge but because the OBS deserves to know. I still feel guilty about not having given the OBS full disclosure and I am planning to send him an email sometime in the near future.

Thanks, all.
I will inform, but need to double double check the OBS is correct person I have identified and need to then think carefully about how to do it in a clear, incontrovertible way.
Grateful for all of your input.

" In my ideal world, my WH would write to the AP and tell her himself how much he regretted what he had done and that their 'liaison' had been the worst act of his life and that their carefully-constructed deception had been busted - oh, and also how awesome and amazing I am for giving him another chance at this stage of proceedings..."

If I were an ap who received the missive suggested above, I believe I'd surmise the BS wrote it.

IMO, the best approach by far is for the WS to cut the ap off with as few words as possible. Anything extra that is said gives the ap a possible hook to reestablish contact. My reco is something like,

'I will not see or contact you again. Please do not attempt to contact me again.'

The more words someone uses, the weaker that person's argument is, so I'll stop now.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:49 PM, Saturday, September 7th]

I agree. WH went N/C the morning after they met up. It was a NSA meet up with no plans for further contact.
Your sentiment is why that message is my ideal, not what I intend to ask WH to send, as it is what I hope my WH now feels (he says these words), but I want absolutely no chance for any contact between them. You are right.

Man, this is all so hard. Life was hard enough keeping everything together without all this crap to negotiate. Having a cross and sad moment.
Just wish I could be sure he is committed to R now and hate the fact only time will fully tell. As one of my friends said: ‘ I guess you’ll only really know when you’re 80.’
Hope things clarify before then.

I agree. WH went N/C the morning after they met up. It was a NSA meet up with no plans for further contact.
Your sentiment is why that message is my ideal, not what I intend to ask WH to send, as it is what I hope my WH now feels (he says these words), but I want absolutely no chance for any contact between them. You are right.

Man, this is all so hard. Life was hard enough keeping everything together without all this crap to negotiate. Having a cross and sad moment.
Just wish I could be sure he is committed to R now and hate the fact only time will fully tell. As one of my friends said: ‘ I guess you’ll only really know when you’re 80.’
Hope things clarify before then.