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She just recently started IC, which was for her weight loss, not due to her hurting him.

That is NOT what was said.

Landclark - Why are you so quick to push away what I am saying?

She said this:

What does it say about me when I feel I deserve the pain?

I'm not feeling strong, I don't know who I am without my BH. I've been with him since I was 20... I'm 36 now. I can't imagine my life without him and I do not want to.

I know this is not healthy thinking but it's where I'm at... And this is why I start IC this week.

She is starting IC not because it hurt her BH. Not because she realizes she has a messed up moral compass, to cheat as much as she has, then get sad or mad at her BH due to her entitlement.

No, it is because she doesn't like thinking that she deserves this pain and feels weak. Does that sound like remorse?

Then she talked about the eating disorder being part of her self harming.

You and ChamomileTea are vilifying this BH. I can tell you, I was about as mean as this BH and the whole time it was about trying to get my WW to get IC and start doing the work.

She didn't want to because it was tough and involved her looking at herself as someone who cannot be in charge of our marriage. Which is where she thought she deserved to be.

So, maybe help this lady do the work to become a safe partner and stop worrying about her husband threatening a RA. He probably won't even do it. She should be discussing how it makes her feel and cry in front of him. She probably hides her crying thinking it helps him to hide pain from him.

The delaying it idea was the best advice I have ever seen on the situation.

I can name 5 reconciled BHs on this site who did this same thing. Threatened a RA. I did, and stacked it with the already filed divorce papers. So few go through with it. Usually if they cheat, it is more afterward because they are trying to fill the whole left from swallowing the turd sandwich.

So, lets focus on how 15yrs needs to focus on her issue prior to the affair. Why did she do it? Why did she do things with the AP she wouldn't with the BH? Was it to slight him? Was she angry at her BH? Was that anger equal to the harm she inflicted on him? She then reflects.

Let's try to find out if she respects her BH at all. She just recently started to feel bad that he is a good dad. IamTrash and Hallmack had a similiar episode. Why didn't 15years feel that way during the affair?

Those are the kinds of things she should be focused on IMO. It is what therapy will get to the bottom of.

If the threat of RA got her to therapy through self examination after 6 months, why are we saying that was a bad thing?

Even some posts need to look in that mirror.

You completely twisted what was said and made it about vanity and that was not true. Also IC was already discussed prior to this thread.

No, it is because she doesn't like thinking that she deserves this pain and feels weak. Does that sound like remorse?

AND? How many waywards even hit remorse right out of the gate? Whatever gets her to therapy is a good thing. She recognizes unhealthy thoughts, and is getting help, but now even that's an issue and is just her being selfish? Just wow.........

Then she talked about the eating disorder being part of her self harming.

Yes, oh no, she's recognizing bigger issues here with her way of thinking. How terrible?? (imagine that in a sarcasm font)

We are waiting to get all the facts. In many of those posts I don't see that.

He has been dismissed and told that he knew "pertinent" (not sure how a person can tell another person what was pertinent to them).

Assumes that he has already cheated

Portrayed to be dangerous (get a VAR) when even OP mentions nothing about feeling unsafe.

Plenty has been said and surmised....but very little of it fact.

And I'm not shocked at the responses...the bias that can be shown towards BH isn't new. We are open advocates of don't burn the witch...but when it's a wizard we get often get out the marshmallows.

We are open advocates of don't burn the witch...but when it's a wizard we get often get out the marshmallows.

Truth.

We are open advocates of don't burn the witch...but when it's a wizard we get often get out the marshmallows.

Honestly, that's just an easy way to be dismissive of any opinion that doesn't agree with yours.

Based on this thread and her other thread, there are more people who would rather throw logs on the fire than not.

Plenty has been said and surmised....but very little of it fact.

And does this not work both ways? There are lots of "He is doing this, and he is feeling that" like they are facts, when it's really just assumption.

[This message edited by landclark at 6:59 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]

My answer is based solely on the question should she allow it. I am guessing we all agree that she should not? Is that a safe assumption?

Oh, absolutely, we agree on that. CT and I have been having a spirited debate on OP's other thread about whether it's reasonable for her BH to be angry about specific details of her affair.

Those posters offered their experience as a betrayed person.

Other posters have made assumptions on this man CHARACTER based on:

He married her "knowing" the "pertinent" facts

SHE offered him full custody of their children

He said he wanted a RA(just like MANY other BS)

Should she agree to an RA? No

Is he is a a cheating, abusive asshole because he said he wanted to have one? NO.

And...I don't need to be agreed with. We can disagree...we only play supporting roles in this situation.

However ..there is always a time to call out bias in our community. The same way we call out generalizations, lies, etc.

Yes, and there biases on both sides of the feedback. Everybody is fooling themselves if they think otherwise. Conscious and unconscious biases do play into how we process information and form opinions.

Those posters offered their experience as a betrayed person.

Also, I’m a betrayed person. So why is my feedback assumption instead of being based on experience?

ETA, And by my feedback I really mean any betrayed who doesn’t jump on the “burn the witch” bandwagon.

[This message edited by landclark at 7:41 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]

She just recently started IC, which was for her weight loss, not due to her hurting him. She hasn't really taken action to help him. She just cries and waits for him to tell her how to fix herself. She is just waiting. She needs to step up and take action like we tell all WS.

Wow!! This is way off... My weight loss has nothing to do with me starting IC. There was a huge jump to conclusion.

I'm starting IC because of my actions. I am taking action. I'm not waiting for my BH to tell me what to do. I speak with my BH daily he sees my actions and how I have made huge strides to improve myself and how I speak to BH and how we speak of my lies and PA.

Sadie,

Ok, so now that you've stopped to think about the pain that this would cause you, can you take that knowledge and apply it to how your BH is feeling about what you've done to him and his pain?

Yes! I spoke with BH and exlpained to him even though he has not done anything. I KNOW HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING I told him just the thought of another woman pleasuring him gives me nightmares. He asked me to tell him about the nightmares and in detail I did. BH felt bad for the images I had in my head, but he also explained he has had the same nightmares as well. BH has seen the change in me since we have spoke about him having a "RA" He sees the fear in my eyes when he goes to work and BH has been amazing throught this whole process. He and I will talk for hours while he is at work and he will let me know if he is going to be a few mins late coming home from work. I truly think BH said he wanted an A because he was hurt.

Nearly all BS consider an RA. It's normal to want to hurt someone who has hurt you in this manner.

Wanting an RA doesn't make him sadistic. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Thank you for saying this, I have been surpised by the way people are speaking of my BH. And because I have come to his defense so often and so strong people are assuming he is reading this. He isn't I'm here on my own.

I honestly have been hurt by the way people are speaking of my BH.

Some of the feedback was character assination

He is having an affair.

He is dangerous

He is setting her up to take custody and leave

He is being unforgiving

He knew everything "before" so he doesn't have the right to be upset or hurt

Because he is upset or hurt then he is hiding something.

And your feedback wasn't singled out.

There is literally a WS posting who did very much the same thing this poster did and she shared that her husband doesn't come here ..to this community...because he feels like his pain will be downplayed.

And thats what I saw a lot of...down playing his pain based on some very bias assumptions. And I think many of those assumptions happened because OP is a woman and spoke about custody of her children.

ETA: I wasn't the BS that reacted "lovingly" to WH. I told him I wanted to have an RA, told him who with. I didn't give a damn about his hurt. Years later....even thru all the crap I have NEVER stepped outside my marriage. Even when I really wanted too. Even when eveything screamed he deserved it. And that it would make me feel better in my lowest moments. But I said...and I meant it at the time. It was my truama. And when that feeling lessened, and I got tools to deal with my hurt. I realized lowering myself to meet his screwed standards....wasn't what I wanted.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:27 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]

I don't see this WS as a victim of anyone other than herself. I feel for her. But how is she ever going to take responsibility if she keeps being told she's the victim?

I have read and reread my post over and over. And I don't understand my BH is being made to be a bad guy. I'M THE ONE WHO LIED and CHEATED and BETRAYED my BH, I DO NOT see myself as a victum. I have never felt like a victum in my relationship. I have made all my choices of free will. Yes they have been messed up choices but they were mine and they were done of free will.

I'm also of free will to "agree" to BH having an RA he isn't forcing anything upon me. And BH hasn't said is GOING to go throught with it. It has been an idea discussed in great detail.

I don't see this WS as a victim of anyone other than herself. I feel for her. But how is she ever going to take responsibility if she keeps being told she's the victim?

I have read and reread my post over and over. And I don't understand my BH is being made to be a bad guy. I'M THE ONE WHO LIED and CHEATED and BETRAYED my BH, I DO NOT see myself as a victum. I have never felt like a victum in my relationship. I have made all my choices of free will. Yes they have been messed up choices but they were mine and they were done of free will.

I'm also of free will to "agree" to BH having an RA he isn't forcing anything upon me. And BH hasn't said is GOING to go throught with it. It has been an idea discussed in great detail.

That's excellent 15. I hope you find a great IC. I tried 2 therapists before I found one that felt correct. Once I found the right one, I quickly understood just how helpful therapy can be.

I'd re-read Maise's post on the last page about "learning to love ourselves". So much goodness in a few paragraphs.

I honestly have been hurt by the way people are speaking of my BH.

Well, I'm certainly not here to injure anyone, so now that you've been transferred back to Wayward, I'll bow out again since I am NOT going to change my opinion.

I wish you lots of success in IC, and if you need me, feel free to PM.

((big hugs))

Deep breath

I do truly apprectiale all the feedback and advice. Yes, I do not agree with it all but I do like to hear it. I has honslty helped me feel stronger when I hear something I don't agree with. It gives me a chance to feel strong enough to stand up for myself and by BH.

There are a few points I want to make very clear:

I'm not starting IC because of my weight lost, that was just a vent I needed to get out. I'm starting IC because I want to be healthier and strong as a person. I want to feel stronger and know why I choose to lie and help dealing with those issues I want help to know why I felt it was okay to do what I did.

BH is NOT having an affair, I know this for sure. He works graveyard and he works with all men and I speak with him for hours while he is at work. Plus he has more intergity than that ... than I. While I'm at work BH is taking care of our children.

BH did go throught a short period where is was actvilty trying to hurt me. And after reading what a lot of the BS have said its TOTALLY NORMAL. I was just very shocked by it, I had NEVER seen that side of him ever.

BH and I have and are still trying to work towards our R. When we speak it is very calm and productive. I'm doing better at listening and learning what BH needs from me now.

BH has started to feel comfortable enough for me to sleep in the same bed as him now.

I think I have addressed all that I wanted. I do want to thank everyone.