SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Girl, trust me... once you get on the other side and the dust settles enough to give you even more clarity, you'll be astounded by what you put up with all those years. That's what happened to me.

(((((Dragn)))))

I know the other side of all of this will be great. I know it.

Yet it's so hard to do the day to day stuff right now. Fill out these papers, do this application, talk this person then that person. Ugh. I feel like I'm spinning in circles. I don't know for sure what will happen and that's scary. And there are days I feel so beat down by it all that I don't see how I couldn't possibly go on.

There's also the grieving part someone mentioned. I didnt expect this to be my life.

I had expected to grow old with wh. I had hoped my children wouldn't experience a broken home.

Of course it was broken long before all of this happened. And accepting I had no control over all he did over the years to break it is difficult. I wasn't strong enough, good enough whatever, in his eyes, for him to want to save the marriage.

I have to keep reminding myself that I did my best to save the marriage and now it's time to let it go.

(((DragnHeart))) It will take time but there is peace on the other side. I too had to grieve the M I never had, but eventually acceptance comes and the realization that you deserve so much better. I know what you mean about never having wanted the kids to come from a broken family that was one of the main reasons that kept me from leaving over the years but that too is not our faults and they will adjust. Just take things day by day and lots of self care.

Sleep is my biggest challenge right now. It's just not happening. Not having enough rest makes dealing with everything that much harder.

I keep getting ten steps ahead of myself. I need to just take things one day at a time. I only made a few calls today. Got some cleaning done then took a 30 minute nap. If I didn't have constant nightmares that nap would have been great.

The kids are doing better than I am lol. They will all have IC soon. I know ds needs it. I am making sure they all have whatever they need for support.

I also explained to all of them that because of their dad's conditions I cannot arrange for any sort of visit with their dad. If I indirectly communicate with their dad I could be arrested. Visitation must wait until it comes before the court and I'm going as fast as I can to get that done.

Three kids did get to go swimming last weekend with my brother and his friends kids. Dd spent the afternoon with me getting groceries. There's a school family movie night we will be going to. Ds has his 3 day sports camp end of year trip coming up. Little M got ds a 1000 piece puzzle for Christmas that she had taken out before this shitstorm with wh. Now we are all taking turns working on it. I had gotten a new water colour art kit months ago so I'm going to start playing with that. We have a big pack of bubble wands the kids will use this weekend. Big D has been reading his Dogman book every night so I'm going to get some of my Choose your own adventure books for him. I think he will enjoy that.

So on that front we are ok.

Everything really is much harder when your not getting enough sleep. I hope you can find something to help with that. I do a lot of visualization and put something relaxing on to listen to in the background.

You should be really proud of yourself. You have handled so much stress and you're pushing through and moving forward. Remember to give yourself credit and pat yourself on the back.

Your kids sound amazing!!

I have Melatonin here but I'm not sure I should take it. I can't sleep in the bedroom. Haven't since all this happened. I've been on the sofa which let's me hear if anyone comes to the doors. I still have fear that someone will break in and try to hurt me... it was a constant worry when wh was here. He never locked the doors, ever! I always did the rounds locking up the house.

I was constantly thinking if he wasn't willing to divorce maybe he was planning something horrible to get me out of the picture.

It's no wonder I can't sleep.

Girl, trust me... once you get on the other side and the dust settles enough to give you even more clarity, you'll be astounded by what you put up with all those years. That's what happened to me.

And me. And virtually all of us on the other side.

You almost certainly have a ridiculous amount of trauma to unpack. Take it slow and go easy on yourself. I started therapy in 2016 but I made the biggest advances since January -- it takes a long, long time.

Funny how through all of the infidelities, the emotional and psychological abuse, I still hoped, even prayed he would go back to the man I married. Be the man I fell in love with.

Two comments:

(1) Your "hope and pray" is called hopium. And let me tell you, as a life-long addict... that shit is dangerous. There is a saying that I learned on here: when they show you who they are, you need to believe them.
(2) I am projecting like crazy but I am also 95% sure that I am right about this. The man that you *think* that you married/loved does not exist. You married a ghost, a figment of your imagination. The man that cheated on you, lied to you, physically assaulted you, and hid a child from you... *that* is closer to the man that you actually married than the person that you *think* that you married. He doesn't know who he is either (so how can you know who he is?). He is a highly disturbed person because he suffered from his own crazy trauma.

Yet it's so hard to do the day to day stuff right now. Fill out these papers, do this application, talk this person then that person.

I have some understanding of the amount of courage that it takes to divorce your spouse -- from the perspective of someone that didn't have enough courage to do it myself. It's hard. You are going to need a lot of courage, but you can do this!

I have to keep reminding myself that I did my best to save the marriage and now it's time to let it go.

The thing that forced me to let it go was my children.

I looked at my children and reached the (incredibly obvious) conclusion was that my ridiculous marriage was way worse for my children than getting divorced. A funny thing about my marriage/divorce.... I clearly had no idea what it meant to love someone before my marriage because I only thought that I loved her.

But, I have learned that I truly love my children. My love for them got me through my divorce and it keeps me going, even today.

Barcher144 you are so correct. This hoping thing was so bad. I didn't realize just how much the kids were suffering and that they too were hurt.

Wh gave me signs way back when that he had a violent side. I ignored them. He has shoved me in the past but I let it go just because he was upset. I excused the behaviour and that was wrong. He showed me who he really was and I put my head in the sand.

And I was a total fool for staying after his first PA. I forgave the EA with ow1 but I should have walked when he had the PA. Hindsight is 20/20 right. I stayed, I got my 4 little dragons. All the suffering was worth it to have them.

Now to get past this hurdle and start a new life.

It’s not that YOU weren’t good enough.

It’s that YOU were too good for him and HE (the cheater) wasn’t good enough.

It’s not that YOU weren’t good enough.

It’s that YOU were too good for him and HE (the cheater) wasn’t good enough.

Logically I know this but the emotional side keeps thinking he was able to find a new side piece so easily so many times, what did he have that he could do that?

And why did he keep doing it when I was here? I stayed with him despite everything and he didnt value me or our family or life together at all!

What a damn waste of MY life.

And I resent and am angry that he and I decided together I would have my tubes tied so he didn't have to undergo surgery and he went and had a vasectomy anyways. If he had been man enough to admit he was unhappy and didn't want the marriage, we could have divorced back then and I would have had the chance to meet someone and have a family with them. Now he gets his new family.

It's just a shit sandwich I wish I could throw in his face.

It’s not that YOU weren’t good enough.

One thing that I have learned over the last 5 years is that most of us don't feel like we are good enough. Ironically, we are all good enough... just the way we are.

Fishermen tell big fish stories to compensate for their insecurities. Learn to brag about your small fish and the days that you don't catch anything. Life is beautiful just the way it is. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Ironically, trying to be something that you aren't makes you ugly (see: him).

It’s that YOU were too good for him and HE (the cheater) wasn’t good enough.

I can promise you that he doesn't think that you weren't good enough -- he knows that you are/were/will be good enough. The concern is that he will try to overcompensate for his deficiencies and take you down with him. That is, I can also promise you that he knows that he isn't good enough. But, he will try to show everyone else how bad you are as justification for him being so awful (see previous comment about cornered raccoons).

You need to let him go and be whatever he is going to be. He is his problem, not yours. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. All five of you need a lot of care, I'm certain of that.

(and if you want an advance lesson in shit-show analysis: Think about how horribly he is/has been treating the other woman. He had a kid with her? And stayed married to you? What kind of jackass does that to her? That's the thing. He is who is he and it really has nothing to do with you.)

Fishermen tell big fish stories to compensate for their insecurities. Learn to brag about your small fish and the days that you don't catch anything. Life is beautiful just the way it is. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Last time we all went fishing I caught a baby small mouth bass, seriously so small I didn't think his mouth would have gotten hooked. I was so proud I had dd take a photo lol

It's going to take time but one day I'll be me again amd be able to be happy with who i am.

(and if you want an advance lesson in shit-show analysis: Think about how horribly he is/has been treating the other woman. He had a kid with her? And stayed married to you? What kind of jackass does that to her? That's the thing. He is who is he and it really has nothing to do with you.)

Well I feared he was just waiting it out until I was somehow out of the picture.

I do hope she knows how to duck and I'd tell her never to turn her back to him. He may be all wonderful now but I know he will eventually show his true colours to her one day.

I understand the dreams - I had nightmares for years that XH was stalking me and trying to kill me - from years before we S/D through years after. I still dream now and then that we're back together and I completely panic, not sure how/why it happened, and we broke up 16 years ago.

I know how awful they are. Hugs, girl.

I do hope she knows how to duck and I'd tell her never to turn her back to him. He may be all wonderful now but I know he will eventually show his true colours to her one day.

Wrong. He is showing his true colors right now. She is just not seeing the real him, just like you didn't see the real him. But, she is not your problem. You need to let her go too.

You are your problem. Take care of you. Your kids are your problem. Take care of your kids.

Stay in your lane.... let the both of them ruin their lives on their own. They are not your circus, not your monkeys.

Thank you! The nightmares are horrible.

I also get freaked out when I see vehicles slow down when passing the house. He has coworkers thst live nearby and I worry they are watching us.

It's not a fun way to live. Always worrying always anxious.

Stay in your lane.... let the both of them ruin their lives on their own. They are not your circus, not your monkeys.

I know I know.

Still hard to believe that he's no longer my problem. I'll forever be stuck with him in some way because of the kids but I'm praying that the courts will tske this abuse seriously and make it so we have no direct contact for as long as possible.

There are things you can do to ensure no direct contact.

Make sure your attorney has all of those requests in your D decree.

There are apps the courts or agencies can monitor to ensure your safety.

There are drop offs and pick ups of kids in police parking lots.

There are all types of security and safety measures you can use to protect yourself.

I hope you no longer have to live in fear one day.

The nightmares are horrible.
I also get freaked out when I see vehicles slow down when passing the house. He has coworkers thst live nearby and I worry they are watching us.
It's not a fun way to live. Always worrying always anxious.

This is so awful that you are going through this.

I remember how scared I was and I am a guy and I felt confident that I could physically defend myself against my wife if she physically attacked me... I remember thinking how much worse it would have been if I had been physically smaller and weaker.

That said, do your best to get yourself to a therapist if you can. The problem with all of this stress and trauma is that it will linger long after the real danger has dissipated.

There are things you can do to ensure no direct contact.
Make sure your attorney has all of those requests in your D decree.
There are apps the courts or agencies can monitor to ensure your safety.
There are drop offs and pick ups of kids in police parking lots.
There are all types of security and safety measures you can use to protect yourself.

This is a great list.

I would stop communicating with him verbally as much as you can (which should be almost 100%). Keep all communication in writing and write as if a judge is reading it.

Avoid all disagreements. Don't argue with him, just stop communicating with him entirely if he escalates. I've previously said that you aren't responsible for his behavior, which is a great theory as long as you remain unhurt and alive. That is, do your best to defuse his anger as much as you can for your own safety.

You might also want to get yourself a 'buddy list" or something... meaning, you check in with these people to let them know that you are safe. Can you get someone else to stay with you for awhile?

If you have an attorney, you should ask your attorney for advice too.

The1stWife. Yes these options as well as others were explained to me.

Barcher144 there is no communication between wh and I at all right now. Direct or indirect communication could lead both of us in trouble.

I can't even call the insurance company and tell them to call him. That's 3rd party.

It's shitty.

Now if that changes in the future ALL communication will be through writing (text/email).

I can't get into the details of what's going on just because I feel wh will read here and use what I say against me. I am the poster child for why you shouldn't share SI with your wayward unless they demonstrate remorse and make real effort to fix their shit!

I do have an IC but I last spoke to her before all this happened and our next session isn't until the end of the month. I was directed to another service through victim services which I'll call tomorrow.

I got a call from dd's phone but it wasn't her. Her friend called me because dd was havibg an anxiety attack so bad she couldn't breathe while on lunch. While on the phone a teacher noticed and had her taken to the office by wheel chair because she was to shakey to walk. The call ended there.

I called the school and dd had been taken to the counselor. She called me when she was done. She wad better. When she got home she was quiet. Wr talked for a bit, me telling her that no matter what she can tell me anything. She said she's stressed about everything and upset we will lose the house, she will lose her friends. I've told her we will take this one day at a time. And no matter what she will not lose her friends.

This is really just shitty for all of us.

Oops duplicate

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 9:16 PM, Thursday, June 15th]