SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please be kind to yourself.
Make sure you are taking some time each day to just breathe, focus, and love those kiddos, and animals.

The family court stuff seems easy compared to the anxiety I have over the criminal case.

I know, KNOW, I'll be painted as the vindictive wife out to get him, when that's not the case. I begged the police not to charge him. It wasn't me that wanted him charged. Police felt they had enough to charge him and did so as required by law. I had no say in the matter.

I do feel he needs to be held accountable for the physical harm he did to me. Hell I wish the emotional stuff was considered just as bad because it went on for so long that there's more damage to recover from than the physical stuff. But even now with him not here I am afraid of him. I can't get that look he gave me out of my mind. Like if he could have killed me with a look he would have. It was so frightening.

Thankfully I have IC coming up soon so I'll be able to work out a plan to cope and recover from all of this.

Please be kind to yourself.
Make sure you are taking some time each day to just breathe, focus, and love those kiddos, and animals.

Oh I'm definitely hard on myself that's for sure. Everything from blaming myself for his abuse (ie I wasn't good enough) to thinking why didn't I leave him sooner.

Of course the past is just that. The past. All I can do now is move forward.

The kids have asked to make plans for the summer. Sleep overs, swimming, visits to a couple theme parks (my brother offered to take us all).

They also want to paint and rip up the living room carpet and put in flooring lol. I've had offers for help to do the kitchen from community members.

So it's not going to be all doom and gloom. We will be busy. Ds is off on his 3 day camp and the rest of us have plans for tonight.

"Everything from blaming myself for his abuse (ie I wasn't good enough) to thinking why didn't I leave him sooner." Is that what you would say to your daughter or your sister if they found themselves in the same situation? If you would be more kind to them, then be that kind to yourself.

Remember nothing, NOTHING you did caused his abuse. You could have been the best stepford wife ever to be born and he would have still found reasons to be abusive. NOBODY deserves abuse. If he was unhappy he could have left at any moment, or tried to fix things, but he didn't do either of those. You are worthy of love and care and friendship, I know it's hard to believe, but keep telling yourself.

Don't be hard on yourself for not leaving either, you were trying your best for your children, for your vows, and you just wanted a happy healthy marriage. It's ON HIM that it didn't happen.

I know it's really hard when you have kids and a full life to take some time for yourself, but just remember, it's not just for yourself, when you rest and recharge you're a happier parent for your kids, so it's for them too. Even if it's only a few minutes here and there.

It's great to hear that you have some support, and plans for the kiddos.

Three kids and I just got back from a family movie night at the school. Unless I have subtitles on I can't understand anything cause i cant hear and the gym was filled with kids screaming, running around, popcorn all over etc a total crazy chaotic event. So I got the gist of the movie but I'll have to find it to watch quietly at home lol

No I wouldn't be hard on anyone else in this situation.

But I have always been hard on myself. Especially my art. Never good enough. And if after 100 times trying I still couldn't get something just right I'd give up.

Only with wh I didnt give up. I wanted to. Just didn't want to divorce and lose the farm or split up the kids time. Now it's all being forced.

So yes I feel like this part is all my fault. I should have just kept my mouth shut and taken the hit I knew was coming.

I've been a member here since may 2011 I think. Everyone here gets it. You all understand the emotional and physical toll an affair has. When it involves a serial cheater that's all multiplied. If not for members here calling and messaging me directly in times I was at my lowest I wouldn't be here.

Unfortunately all the posts I've made, all the pain, tears, saddness won't matter one damn bit in court except to try to make me out to be the lying, angry wife.

Just the possibility of me having to testify in front of him scares the living shit out of me.

Ugh. It's to much stress just thinking about it.

I did spend time today hauling gravel down the driveway to fill the potholes. That actually felt good. Would be easier with the tractor lol. But I got a workout which doesn't hurt. I'll be doing the rest either tomorrow or on thr weekend.

"So yes I feel like this part is all my fault. I should have just kept my mouth shut and taken the hit I knew was coming."

You don't really believe this do you? Is this what you would tell your DD to do?

There was nothing you could have done to keep your family together. Staying with a cheating abuser is not safe or healthy for you or your children. He failed, not you.

Dragn, I can't help but think that part of your healing is reclaiming yourself.

But I have always been hard on myself. Especially my art. Never good enough. And if after 100 times trying I still couldn't get something just right I'd give up.

This- your art, your voice- needs to be reclaimed. The lines about "just shutting up and taking the hit" speak to you not having a voice. You've lost your self, your sense of deserving to take up space, exist and have an impact on your own life and surroundings. This is not uncommon for abuse survivors. PLEASE PLEASE take up your art again. You are unique, you deserve to create, express yourself. Don't give up on self improvement (with your art). Don't be o hard on yourself when you express yourself artistically.

I can't help but wonder if accepting your art works in progress is part of accepting yourself.

You can do this. Art is good therapy for CPTSD survivors.

Praying for you and sending out virtual hugs.

*I wrote out a long post then got a call and lost it all so let's try again...

You don't really believe this do you?

It's a thought process that will take time to change.

All of the woman in my family have been married to abusive men. Perhaps not physically (not that I witnessed) but definitely verbally. Being called names, screamed at, ignored, told you are useless, having cupboard doors broken, and holes put in walls...all things I have seen growing up from my family (extended too).

Breaking the cycle is hard but I am doing it.

Unfortunately even my mother seems to be disappointed that I am "causing so much trouble". My parents are on title for the house. It makes divorce more messy and I was told at least one lawyer didn't want to touch it...luckily there are others that will.

At least things are moving forward now.

The call this morning was amazing. Not really to do with this stuff but ill take any good news.

I have the insurance set up for my new vehicle, just waiting for a new windshield and to be picked up to go get it.

Your kids see what is going on.

They need to learn that behavior is not OK nor tolerated.

THAT is the message you are sending.

The lines about "just shutting up and taking the hit" speak to you not having a voice. You've lost your self, your sense of deserving to take up space, exist and have an impact on your own life and surroundings. This is not uncommon for abuse survivors.

My IC and I haven't spoken since before all this happened. We have alot to discuss when I talk to her next. I'm hoping she can help but if not then refer me to someone who can really dig into all this trauma and help me find a way out of the darkness.

PLEASE PLEASE take up your art again. You are unique, you deserve to create, express yourself. Don't give up on self improvement (with your art).

This is hard to do. Wh took me out before Christmas to my favorite art store and bought me art supplies. Then for Christmas he got me an art table. I couldn't figure out why he was being nice after hurting me so much. It felt like he was trying to buy me out. It felt fake. I hadn't received any gifts from him other than a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream in years.

It's not like I didn't appreciate all of it however his behaviour towards me became increasingly aggressive. This happened even more after I was out getting groceries and he said he needed a new tape measure and wanted to go out when I got home. I found the tape measure he liked, bought it and text him and he lost it on me. He WANTED to go out. And then I get a text from him that was meant for HER. He tried to back track his mistake but it was obvious. After that things spiraled down. I slipped into a severe depression and he was just cruel and mean to me every damn day.

I had stood in his way of seeing his AP and he hated me for it.

To be hated because I, his wife, didnt agree with him seeing another woman. It's crazy.

You have a lot to work through but you are on your way.

We are all here to support you and remind you that you are worthy of so much more than the life you have been living.

We are all here to support you and remind you that you are worthy of so much more than the life you have been living.

I couldn't be more thankful for SI. I need the reminder that this will all get better snd be ok. Some days it feels really hopeless.

I wish there was a chat feature because sometimes I lay awake staring at the ceiling and feel so alone.

Dd is done school. She's home and seemed fine. Then she came and sat down beside me on the sofa and just broke down crying. She said she's been holding it in for so long and needed to let it out so I held her and let her cry.

Unfortunately all the posts I've made, all the pain, tears, saddness won't matter one damn bit in court except to try to make me out to be the lying, angry wife.

Courts vary but my ex is/was a lying angry wife and my court didn't believe that.... I think that most people recognize there is a general pattern when it comes to domestic violence, so you are more likely to be believed than not.

The criminal case is the criminal case and it's largely out of your hands. In my location, the police are required to arrest if they have evidence of domestic abuse. They are NOT ALLOWED to say "the wife doesn't want us to arrest him." Although you are the actual victim of his (alleged) crimes, there is plenty of evidence for these crimes that don't involve you saying a word.

I know that it is difficult but the legal process is super slow... but you just have to be patient and let it take its course.

It's not like you have anything else to do, right? Try to focus on the important stuff... you have plenty of that right now.

I guess I'm just worried about having to defend myself in all of this.

If he was abusive why did u stay? Why didn't you report it sooner? Why didn't you report everything? (he only has one assault charge).

I can see myself totally breaking down not being able to answer any of it. I know the answers but now looking back they were all lame other than being afraid to speak up.

I know it could take up to a year for this to be resolved in criminal court. Hopefully I can at least have the divorce completed in that time.

If he was abusive why did u stay? Why didn't you report it sooner? Why didn't you report everything?

Basically, tell the truth when asked these questions.

Super common answers and I don't even know the details of what you have endured (and I am NOT asking): I didn't want to blow up my entire life and my kids' lives. I convinced myself that it was a one-time thing. I was scared.

Lucky for you, you have an entire website of people who understand this shit. In my head, I didn't catch my ex cheating on me until 2016... but I found plenty of evidence in 2010 and in 2013 and in 2015... enough that most people would call those "D-days". Why not? Because rationalizing is sooooo easy.

Look, one thing that I have figured out over the last few years is that it takes an enormous amount of courage to leave your spouse and upend your entire life. It's easier to put up with the crap than it is to leave. That's true of both infidelity and of domestic violence.

Staying with an abuser is SUPER common. We bond to people for lots of reasons, and we all can justify and explain our way into staying. My XH was not abusive abusive, but he treated me like shit a lot of the time. And I stayed, I even defended his behavior. Because sometimes he was very nice. And he painted an image of himself that I 100% bought into and was committed to. To admit i was wrong and picked a crappy spouse… I wasn’t going to do that. And I didn’t have kids, and that just makes it harder to leave.
So do not worry about your WHY from that perspective. You shouldn’t have been treated that way- the fault is his for doing the abusing, not yours for staying.

And as Barcher said, the police action is automatic - you cannot stop that train. Let the system do what it does and focus on getting the support you and the little dragns need.

Enjoy the longest day of the year and take a deep breath and realize how different and better things will be this time next year.

it takes an enormous amount of courage to leave your spouse and upend your entire life. It's easier to put up with the crap than it is to leave. That's true of both infidelity and of domestic violence.

Courage and heaps of damn paperwork. Why is divorce and getting any sort of government help a nightmare?!? They want everything and I'm sorry but for thr last how many years filing paperwork wasn't a top priority in my life. So now I'm searching for stuff (some of which I don't have cause wh burned it) and having to make calls to get copies and fml this is ridiculous.

I'm praying that something good happens cause while we now have food in the house I have 2 bills due next week and the mortgage and I doubt stxwh will deposit anything this week.

So if I disappear don't panic lol. Just means my phone and internet didn't get paid lol. 🙃

It is difficult to admit I picked a crappy spouse. I seriously believed I was thr luckiest woman alive to have him as my husband. And we have created four amazing and beautiful children. Children that have faced many challenges and overcome them. Children who adored their dad, until now. Sad that stxwh is losing so much for so little.

Pretty damn sad when a father doesn't care about his kids.

I am fuming angry!

Stxwh is more concerned with proving me wrong than he is that his kids are taken care of.

I just want to scream at him!