SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also remember that if you two do split up and you know that he is involved with her, you should get him fired since he was a teacher there and she was a student.

I don't think she's been actively dating with OP because check car location from time to time.

unless you can track HER, the car whereabouts mean nothing. I am assuming the professor has a car. If I were her I would leave my car parked where if you decided to drive by and check up it would be where I said I would be.

I think the only reason she asked to move out was so that a) she could have less responsibilities and more time to be free 2) so she could conduct her affair.

I am not telling you this to be cruel, but because you are being very naive here. This woman has left you and your son, the son is the biggest clue as to what she is doing. Mothers do not tend to want to be parted from their kids. Women who just want a divorce or away from their husbands take the kid with them or they ask you to leave. She is gaslighting you and telling you that you are abusive. I can tell you are not abusive at all or you wouldn’t be agreeing with her and going along to get along. Abusive people like to control and this is not you.

Your wife has spent time with him during this separation. I am telling you this with a high degree of certainty. Your denial on this being based on her car location is not helping you. It might be he has backed off from her because of being married or that is her perception and she has done this to show him she is serious. She is trying to see if she can win him back. But this separation time is about that or she would be with her son. A son she knows she has disappointed. If she wasn’t in the thick of it that would be her highest priority because that is what is natural. That is why I know she is beyond fucked up over this affair and she is very actively in it in her mind. That and making ridiculous claims about you being abusive. Please do not reduce this to where her car sits.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:06 PM, Sunday, June 2nd]

Look at the wording I suggested you use if you contact his place of employment:

"I think you need to know that my wife – a student at your institution – and I are divorcing because of her relationship with professor sleazy. No – she hasn’t told me its physical but admits there is an emotional connection and I know they have spent time together outside of class in private places. I think with what I have shared and the simple fact I called should be enough for you to research if this is in any breach with your ethical codes."

See how I never say it’s physical or even inappropriate. I am not making any claim that you can’t stand by. Not even claiming it’s reciprocated by him. Not even saying it is a breach of their codes. For all we know this might be the classic, well-known infatuation of a student to his/her teacher. He might be totally 100% in the clear (and that she hasn’t been to his apartment might even support that) and if that’s the case he will clear himself.
The 99% most likely reaction to calling his boss? He will be called for a short informal chat. He will be told about the call and asked if there are grounds. If this is all still innocent and one-sided OR if this is at a very early stage relationship, he will be warned to end it and/or put some boundaries in place.
It’s actually highly unlikely he get’s fired unless there is some clear indication that he has misused his position to her advantage. Doing nothing risks legal action, overreacting risks legal action. They want this to go away. Like... either he ends the relationship, your wife ends the relationship or you no longer are a stakeholder (as in when a divorce is finalized).

So why do it?
Well... If your wife is going to divorce she will. Might as well have the initiative and get the inevitable over with.
Chances are he will tell your wife to back off. If she’s divorcing because she sees a bright future with him... you are doing her an immense favor in making his real intentions clear.
It makes what you are dealing with real. At the moment she has this fantasy of being in college, dating her teacher, staying at her own "place" (albeit a single-bedroom) and all this financed and supported by her soon-to-be-ex husband. In making things real... she has to figure out how to make her reality work – like attending class while joint custody, doing a part-time job to make financial ends meet despite possible spousal support and find accommodations that have some realistic future for her and your son when with her.

Will that make her come back simply to wait a better time? Well... I also suggested you say:

"If you have any doubts there is a very short window where I would be willing to pause the process, but that would require you meet several requirements that would be necessary for our marriage."

Those conditions should make her commitment very clear very early on...

Friend, I may be mistaken, but this seems to be your strategy:

1. Let your WW have her few-week vacation while giving her the freedom to test drive OM and decide on your marriage
2. Keep on lying to your son in the meanwhile
3. Hope it all works out for the best.

Can't you see how doomed this is? If you cannot, we have had a bunch of BHs try this very strategy. It has NEVER worked.

And...just as sure as she is gaslighting with you, she has indeed been with OM. She could be taking Ubers to his place. He could be cming to get her and then they take an Uber back to his place--his credit card so that there is no suspicion.

Gently now, but the very fact that your WW needs time to 'choose', it means she has chosen already.

She should not be 'choosing' in the first place, as she already 'chose' when she married you.

The next thing about posters wanting to 'save the M'. Absolutely correct if both parties want to do the same. You are now in a position where the other party does not want to save the M, and a M can only be 'saved' if both parties are working towards it.

It is like you are on a row-boat, where the WS is trying to make a hole at the bottom whilst you are rowing, and you are also trying to patch the hole. The WS keeps chipping at the hole whilst you are trying to patch it up, and the boat goes around and around as you are the one rowing and patching the hole, whilst the WS is just trying to make the hole bigger.

This will ultimately end up with the boat sinking whilst it is going around and around, taking your kid with both parents.

The saving of a damaged relationship cannot be done with only one party trying to make it work.

So, it may be good if you can re-consider the 'saving the M at all costs' approach, and see if you are willing to consider another course of action that could save your kid also.

I promised her to give her these few weeks alone . . . she has about a week left there

I am willing to put some money on this: she will not return in a week. She'll need more "time."

Agree with everyone else. Cheaters who ask for separations, especially female cheaters imo, are always trying to have their cake and eat it too. She wanted space to pursue the A. We've seen it here a thousand times.

But the biggest red flag of all that she is in full selfish cheater mode, exactly as Hikingout said, is the way she us treating your son. He is very angry, won't speak to her, but she is still choosing to stay away??? Unless she is some type of narcissist or the worst mom in the world, she is doing this to pursue time with her AP. Otherwise, she would NOT do this to her child. Her desire to cheat, not just "have space," is all-consuming. Mothers who need space from their marriage do not treat their children this way. They just don't. They almost always take the kids with them...unless they are cheating.

Why would she tell you she met him if she was still cheating with him?

Because she knows you desperately want to believe her meeting up with him isn't her cheating and it throws you a bone.

She is not invested in your family. Think about how upset you would be if you were on the outside looking in on someone else. I think the most painful memories I have are of my wife blowing off so many of the kids events. Not going to the movies with us, not going to soccer or just being glued to the phone when she did, blowing off going to Christmas events and santa etc all because they were convenient ways to use me and the kids being out so she could do her thing with OM.

If you are not angry yet about how she has hurt your child then that floodgate will be horrible when it opens. This needs to move forward if for no other reason than some stability for your family.

You can save your family/your relationship and still leave. In fact, I guarantee had I not stuck to my guns and left I would not have the relationship I have with my WH now. If she wants to stay with you (as opposed to just staying in the country) she should have to prove that to you. If her immigration gets messed up, that is her fault, her problem - and honestly, something the two of you would have to work through IF you are a couple again later on.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:32 PM, Friday, June 14th]

You wrote:

She also told me that she is not choosing between him and me, but that she just doesn't want to stay in relationships with and meeting him was just a trigger

This could be true but is likely a rationalization and rewriting of history to suit her, minimize the affair and portray herself as an innocent bystander instead of the villain in the story.