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I said I am the outlier. Anyone that wants a spouse/SO to take a polygraph test can. Just not me. I have never cheated so I can’t imagine what it must be like to remember every thing that AP and I did, and said. My cheeky remark about last week is still true. Based on some pretty good tests most of us really don’t remember that much. Also the two WS are all in the fog and probably have blinders on. If you demand a poly to give you peace of mind that is your choice. Again it would not be mine. An addendum…if I cheated and had done my best to give all the information I could remember I still wouldn’t. Of course in my job I had so many people lying or "shaving" the truth that I realized, after some research, that we all lie. In fact there was a man in the US who discovered another who NEVER lied. The first man lasted a week. The one he was studying had alienated every single person he came into contact with.
This long winded piece of nothing is really just to hope the outcome of whatever you decide has a happy ending.

The debate on polygraph (mis-called "lie detector") is a bit similar to politics and religion.

People will always have different assessments tempered by opinion (however derived)

Google the topic (polygraph/lie-detector) - From National Academy of Sciences:

Page 178
Suggested Citation:"7 Uses of Polygraph Tests." National Research Council. 2003. The Polygraph and Lie Detection. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press. doi: 10.17226/10420.×

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7
Uses of Polygraph Tests
The available evidence indicates that in the context of specific-incident investigation and with inexperienced examinees untrained in countermeasures, polygraph tests as currently used have value in distinguishing truthful from deceptive individuals. However, they are far from perfect in that context, and important unanswered questions remain about polygraph accuracy in other important contexts. No alternative techniques are available that perform better, though some show promise for the long term. The limited evidence on screening polygraphs suggests that their accuracy in field use is likely to be somewhat lower than that of specific-incident polygraphs.

This chapter discusses the policy issues involved in using an imperfect diagnostic test such as the polygraph in real-life decision making, particularly in national security screening, which presents very difficult tradeoffs between falsely judging innocent employees deceptive and leaving major security threats undetected. We synthesize what science can offer to inform the policy decisions, but emphasize that the choices ultimately must depend on a series of value judgments incorporating a weighting of potential benefits (chiefly, deterring and detecting potential spies, saboteurs, terrorists, or other major security threats) against potential costs (such as of falsely accusing innocent individuals and losing potentially valuable individuals from the security related workforce). Cost-benefit tradeoffs like this vary with the situation. For example, the benefits are greater when the security threat being investigated is more serious; the costs are greater when the innocent individuals who might be -

there is quite a bit to read on that site regarding polygraph

Also Bigger posted a nice assessment in another thread if you care to look in General forum.

My question to answer first - given the results are not necessarily going to help or hinder - Is the possible result worth the $$$$?

JMHO and YMMV

Based on some pretty good tests most of us really don’t remember that much. Also the two WS are all in the fog and probably have blinders on.

I am not making excuses for anyone who purposefully hides the truth but in my husband's case, and he is not the only one, he genuinely does not remember things of his past that he finds hurtful. He had a pretty shitty childhood and in the nearly 40 years I have known him he only told me a very very serious incident with his father that would have required police intervention and social services. How he forgave him AND HIS MOTHER FOR COVERING IT UP IS BEYOND MY UNDERSTANDING.

He clearly said to me many times, well before the betrayal "My mind has simply forgotten lots of other things that happened to me in childhood because I lived a shitty life" and whilst his siblings remember details, he says he doesn't even if he was there and experienced exactly the same things. He doesn't remember especially the things that hurt him or the things he is ashamed of. It is a psychological defense and survival strategy.

So for me to ask of details he would not remember or if I describe to them he may say yes just "to tick the box", I have understood it is not worth it also because, let us not forget, the past only hurts you if you allow it to. IT IS IN THE PAST, YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT. the past only hurts you if you allow it to. BETRAYAL IS IN THE PAST, YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 2:10 PM, Friday, June 14th]

That’s a good public service reminder there:

Keep it all bottle up good and tight everyone.

Whatever you do, don’t look weak.

I have a different view. I don't give anything worth as much as a sous for how one looks. It's the inner strength that counts.

One can look weak and be strong. I've known since I first fell for W2b that I was more into her than she was into me. I tried to hide it during our early days. It was liberating to accept and show that I was hooked, because I maintained boundaries even though I was hooked. That was so beneficial on and after d-day, for sure - since I could separate what I wanted from what I would do.

It showed up in my work life, when I was asked to put my technical knowledge at the service of proposals I did not support.

It shows up in the stories of people who heal from being betrayed - both by those who decide to R if certain conditions are met and by those who D saying, 'I've gone this far, but I won't go any farther.'

I hate dogma, but I'm dogmatic on this:

Be honest.

Honesty with oneself leads to strength.

Give not one cell, not one atom to looking strong.

******

the past only hurts you if you allow it to.

This seems to advise suppressing pain, and I think that's one of the worst possible responses to pain.

One can't heal pain without acknowledging it. If something from the past is hurting in the present, anything that aims to suppress that knowledge will be a disservice to oneself. To heal from being betrayed, I believe one needs to let the pain flow through and out of one's body.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:13 PM, Friday, June 14th]

I know you probably didn't intend your statement to be interpreted this way, Fantastic, but "the past only hurts you if you allow it to" sounds like the kind of manipulative statement a WS would say to a BS in order to get them to shut up and rugsweep. It's basically a variation of "How can we move on when you keep bringing up the affair?!", which is probably on page 32 on The Cheater's Handbook.

People who have experienced severe childhood physical and/or sexual abuse can develop dissociative disorders as a coping mechanism. Perhaps that's the case with your husband. But for the vast majority of cheaters, "I don't remember" simply means "I don't want to tell you."

So sorry you are going thru all this. Cheaters lie, both are certainly capable of lying. In my situation the AP was a serial cheater, as was her husband (OP). Neither had a problem with lying, cheating, hurting others. I had to take them out of the equation, I was never getting the truth out of either of them. So back to WH who I no longer trusted.

My WH was remorseful and worked hard at reconciliation. We are still together and happy. I forgave him but I will never forget and will probably never fully trust anyone again.

Fantastic, I consult a very good therapist about issues like your husband’s. Our childhoods define us. The genes we inherit and the care, or lack of it, make or break us. Your husband has probably hung by his fingernails emotionally all of his life. I often recommend EMDR because it is a short term, very intensive type of therapy that gets to hidden memories. Those memories are only hidden to his conscious self. They are very present in his life every day…he just does not know it.

There is a profound talk given by a former Miss America about being molested by her father and the ability of her brain to shut down so that she could function. I am not suggestion sex abuse, but any abuse including emotional destroys childhoods. Whatever happened to your husband is still so painful that his subconscious will NOT LET him remember. If he is in good physical shape he needs to look into EMDR. He will be wrung out on occasion but it is only for a few hours and then hour by hour, day by day he finds himself. That little child who never had a chance at a happy childhood can then use regular talk therapy to help him move on.

I wish you both luck.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:30 PM, Friday, June 14th]

I am not suggestion sex abuse, but any abuse including emotional destroys childhoods. Whatever happened to your husband is still so painful that his subconscious will NOT LET him remember.

I know very well my husband is deeply deeply hurt inside and the abuse he endured destroyed his childhood and is still affecting his actions and relationships. He was so manipulated by BOTH parents and physically and psychologically maltreated for all his life that when I asked him "How could you forgive your mother?" he was in shock and said "Forgive HER? She didn't do anything to me!" to which I added "Exactly, she didn't do anything, not even protect you from abuse! She should have taken you to hospital and she didn't to protect him and herself. You had no fault, you were just a child struggling to learn a notion for your homework and they, instead of HELPING YOU LEARN AND MEMORISE, three their frustration at you and hurt you. It is a parent's role to protect their children, wherever the abuse is coming from!" He remained silent. Only after that I have seen him become distant from his mother and sometimes he has replied to her in an abrupt way. Never before, he always admired and respected her (and I really don’t know how he could). They are such abusive manipulators and I profoundly hate them. Fortunately there are many many miles that separate us.

But he is the one who needs to choose if he wants to heal by digging out all the pain he is hiding inside. And he is so scared and has always been so scared to be in touch with that pain consciously that he prefers to be a dormant volcano. Unfortunately it is his choice and his life. He has realised at least that it is not always necessary with all people to rugsweep things. But for many years he did it with me and our children too.

When I suggested that the past hurts as much as we allow it to, I meant that there are ways to defeat the pain of the past and certainly therapy is the best. So if we suffer and continue to suffer, it is becauise with our choices we allow that to continue, we have choices. Surely obsessive, compulsive thoughts about a painful situation are something we create in our mind because of bad mental discipline, hence I said "The past only hurts if you allow it to".

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:23 PM, Friday, June 21st]