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The only two people who really know what went on was the WS and the AP. Even then their truths likely differ. I wouldn't count on OBS being 100% honest even if he has a clear picture of what went on. Just because someone is a BS doesn't make them a good person. Most of what OBS knows, he learned from AP. She's a liar just like your WH, and may have even more reasons to lie. Or even more APs that's she's blending together to minimize the consequences. e.g. How does the OBS even know it was your WH's texts he saw? For that matter, AP may even want to shake your WH free from you. Especially if OBS is ejecting her from his life.

People lie. Hurt people can decide to burn down other's worlds in their pain. It's naive to think otherwise. I would take your WHs offer of the polygraph. I would expect there to be some truth that you don't yet know. If he's begging to take one though and follows through with it, that would be pretty convincing to me that the large discrepancy between the two stories is closer to his version than OBS.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:21 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

Yikes. Didn’t think my thread would get this heated. Again, I was originally looking for insight on my situation - maybe somebody has had something similar happen. Seems a situation like this doesn’t come up very often.

Bottom line is yes, my WH had an A … confirmed via PI and recorder. This is MY evidence that I can see/ hear, therefore I believe. My WH (before knowing my evidence) admitted, in a nutshell, what happened from his POV. I’m not going to get into the entirety of my dirty laundry of this past year because that was not my intent for this post.

There have been some insinuations made that photos would have been shared due to the sexting. I would agree these 2 things go hand in hand. Another piece of MY evidence is I obtained the final 2 months of the A’s message logs from the cellphone provider. In all of the messages that were exchanged amongst them, they were only "text" messages and no "photo/video" (yes, it describes the type of message sent). In my mind, if there is 2 months of photo/video free messages then I would air on the side that my WH to be telling the truth about not exchanging photos - I would like to believe if that was a "thing" they did frequently then I would of seen that on the message log and I didn’t. I also went and looked at my WH app history/hidden apps and there is not one app downloaded that was anything out of the norm (he’s not a very tech savvy guy anyway). Another avenue closed.

If the OBS saw sexts I believe him. When asking for confirmation, this he could not provide and this is a problem I have. He couldn’t provide me with my WH phone number, his name, how they knew each … nothing. I sure as shit know this info about her.

Unfortunately, I look at his evidence as hearsay because he can’t provide me solid, hard proof. If I told everyone I saw a unicorn and I had pictures, everyone would be asking to see them. Except I know longer have these pictures, but you can take my word for it right?No, you probably won’t take my word without proof … maybe what I saw was a horse and not a unicorn.

Regardless, I know my WH was a liar (there is a good possibility he still is lying about things). Over the course of this past year, I feel his efforts have been genuine and in part, his "story" adds up to the evidence I have right in front of my own eyes. If he wasn’t putting in the work, I would be a hell of a lot more hesitant. I’m not naive to the fact he could be lying and of course I do not trust him (maybe a little, but he has a long long long way to go) this will take time and be has to continue doing all of things he’s been doing and more.

At the end of the day I feel I know "the worst" of it. I do not believe the AP to be fully transparent with her H , therefore, it’s hard to match up his evidence with mine.

A polygraph might not be the end all be all, but it is worth a shot and my WH has a willingness to do one.

OP, it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and you are thinking things thru for yourself. All we can do is call it how we see it and you make the choices. You will do great. I really wish you well.

He couldn’t provide me with my WH phone number, his name, how they knew each … nothing. I sure as shit know this info about her.

This was the detail that red flagged it for me. He was giving info that didn’t really identify it as your husband. I truly think the ap has multiple affairs and is only copping to the one he knows about.

This whole thing is strange.

Sorry, if it wasn't clear, but OP did you actually speak with OBS over the phone? Like were you able to verify it was him. I ask because you said that you reached out via message, is there any chance AP caught this and then used someone else - a confidant or friend or whomever to speak with you on the phone? I feel like that would make the strange behaviour (and inability to provide details or even names...) make more sense. What was the reaction to you advising that there had been sex? "Brutal" doesn't sound like the kind of reaction I'd expect from someone who had been told otherwise for a year. I know it sounds crazy, but could it have been AP speaking with a voice modulator? Did your husband know you were planning on reaching out to OBS? Could he have tipped her off?

For the record, "everyone is lying" is not out of the question. I will tell you that the ONLY significant thing my husband lied to me about post-dday was when the first "line cross" occurred at the outset. Not when it became physical (he was truthful about that) but the early stuff - where there was still plausible deniability but there was clear sketchiness. For the record, this time period had significant emotional significance for me, which is why he had lied - to "protect me" . AP had told the truth about the timing for the first line cross to OBS (no significance to her) but lied about a bunch of other stuff (ie. the fact that there had been sex and then again about the fact that it had been in their condo, etc). Classic stuff - they lie/minimize based on what they think their spouse is going to care most about/be the most hurtful. This is why I'm so grateful to have compared notes with OBS so early on.

I have no idea if that is what is going on for you here as the details of the actual story aren't super clear here but I do note that none of the 'hard proof' you have relates to the timeline. Is there anything significant about the timing of when the A started in the story you were provided? Anything corroborating any of it for you?

[This message edited by emergent8 at 9:12 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

He couldn’t provide me with my WH phone number, his name, how they knew each … nothing. I sure as shit know this info about her.

He couldn't provide you with his evidence..but did you give him a copy of yours?

Thank you again everyone. I am doing my best to think this out as logically as I can. I am fully aware that anything is possible and am prepared for that.

From what my "gut" is telling me is that she has potentially had multiple A’s (with my H being the most current- their A lasted approximately 3 months). I also had a "gut" feeling something wasn’t right with him in and around the time my H said it started. I know it’s not concrete evidence, but people say trust your gut instinct and that’s exactly what I did … then when my "gut" wasn’t letting off that’s when I hired the PI and planted the recorder. I know it’s just a gut instinct, but it hasn’t failed me yet and my gut wasn’t going off during the timeline the OBS gave me, but it was going off hard during the timeline my WH gave me (not sleeping, losing weight, noticing weird things, etc). Call me a skeptic.

My contact with the OBS was strictly via FB Messenger - this was my only means of reaching out to him. Was it him on the other end, I don’t know for certain. Part of me thinks she could have been the typist. I passed along my number to compare notes … he hasn’t taken me up on that offer yet. I did offer to provide my evidence, he told me "thanks, but I have all the info I need."

Did your husband know you were going to message the obs,before you messaged him?

Hellfire - nope! I did it in my own accord and wasn’t even going to tell my WH I did it. But then it got weird, so I had to confront him.

My contact with the OBS was strictly via FB Messenger - this was my only means of reaching out to him.

Yeah, I'm definitely not convinced this was OBS. So easy for a message to have popped up on a shared ipad or something.

Yes, trust your gut.

This is super murky now. If you aren’t sure you were even talking to OBS, all bets are off. I’m pretty sure POSOM in my case intercepted my first messages to alert OBS. It took some doing to actually get in contact with her for me.

See if you can find his phone number with an internet search, I was able to do that with my OBS. I personally never used FB Messenger before all this, didn’t even know it existed. My wife could have easily monitored and controlled that account.

Who here F’ing HATES dealing with liars???

I think emergent brings up a good point. I assumed OP talked to OBS via phone, and I couldn’t make sense of his very odd behavior. To me it sounded like he was completely gaslit, but with the new information that it was FB messenger, I think emergent is probably closer to the truth.

Many couples have access to SM accounts, hell pre A my WW would check my FB long before I did. A lot of 30-40s men don’t really use SM like that, especially not FB, wouldn’t surprise me if OBS had no idea at all about the A and that the AP was controlling it. That would explain a lot about the situation for sure.

No matter what though, I’m sorry OP. This is an awful situation you got thrown into, and I agree with ink that you are handling it incredibly well.

I do have something similar, not with OBS but with fake SM accounts and if NC was broken or not. I can tell what happened and how I handled if you think it would help your perspective/journey

Reaching out via messenger was my only means (I tried desperately to find his number online first, but had no luck). So many scenarios went through my head when I hit the send button … I just kinda went with it. I cannot be sure of anything other than my evidence at this point (however, the conversation still has put my guard up until I think it through and get the polygraph). My WH and I aren’t the most tech savvy and are very basic people when it comes to apps, syncing phones/computers/iPads etc (we just have never done that) - I guess others do this though.

HINHF, I’m always open to listening to other perspectives!

Since your husband is so upset about obs having the "wrong info," ask him where her husband works. He knows. Then you can send a copy of your evidence to his job. I wonder how surprised he'd be, to find out about this affair..

FTR..I agree, with those speculating that wasn't obs who messaged you. The entire conversation seems off..and a lot of veteran BS here are feeling something was off with his end of the conversation. Our spidey senses are tingling.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:11 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

I always thought my wife was not tech savvy. But she was good enough to hide a 3 year affair from me and leave almost no digital trail. My wife used both SMS (which has a lite footprint with the phone company like you mentioned) and encrypted apps for the "good stuff", absolutely no trace for that.

Is OBS in your town? Can you send a letter? Look on LinkdIn or something like that and find some other way to contact him? Send a snail mail?

Or maybe, coming back to the beginning of this, you said you wanted to do your good deed and inform OBS. Well, good woman, you have tried, given it the old college try, and it hasn’t worked out. Maybe let that part go, and then from there decide whether any of this episode is worth anything. Maybe give it a couple weeks, see what your gut is saying, and decide on the poly after that?

I know he is an independent contractor and takes jobs all over the country for weeks/months at a time (not easy to track down).

Maybe this will sound bad and at this point I don’t really care. I feel like I’ve done what is within my power to reach out, I truly have. This whole ordeal has now set me back (and maybe for no reason at all). It’s brought up lots of unwanted emotions for both me and my WH as we were doing "well." The amount of emotional energy I have in me on a daily is reserved for me now, I really have nothing left over to give to others these days as this year has been long and hard (all you BS’s know how hard)! I’m so so emotionally and mentally drained and at the end of the day I still only trust me and even then that is debatable at the moment. I feel like I have to try to focus back on me and my healing and what might help ease my own mind.

I appreciate so so much everyone’s perspectives and allowing me to look at this situation from so many angles. I feel like it’s in my best interest to "let it go" and focus on the facts I know to be true. We have some IC and MC in the upcoming weeks and I am going to ask about their recommendations for a poly and go from there. For now I’m going to continue to do self work and watch my WH efforts from the background.

Last point, I almost promise

Please keep posting. You will gain a lot from being here, and you would make a great addition to the community.

That is all.

I’d bet my house you knew when it started and that it was sexual.]

What does it mean for you "when it started"?

My husband declared to me their affair "started" on a specific date. I believe that was the date when they had sex the first time. That date is confirmed through a specific post of the FB that she published and the reference to the event is for me crystal clear. However the build up to that moment , when they had been clearly flirting knowing exactly what they would have ended up doing is for me part of the affair because the decision to betray me had been taken a long time before. Therefore I added to the "formal date" also the previous choices to chase each other.

For me knowing that prior to the first sex they had been flirting for more than a year is a significant piece of information and for me that was betrayal as much as having sex. My husband probably thought he would stop there but in the end things got out of hand (voluntarily, it is never by chance!). But I believed my husband when he said "It was not a decision I took lightly", he thought and thought abut it for more than a year if to go physical. Before he probably thought he was not cheating, he was making excuses in his mind.

In our love story we always remember both the day we first went together for a sport activity and the day of the first kiss. At the time they were only 3 months apart FOR US. The fact that it took him more than a year to go physical with THE FB tells me he really tried hard not to take it to that level but FAILED.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 2:08 PM, Friday, June 14th]

Hey Fantastic, my thought process is that of yours. For my WH he considered the start date to be when it turned physical (in some ways I also consider this to be a start date - but the start of when it turned physical has its own special category). I told my WH that the official start date I’m personally going by, was when he thought/knew things between them started to cross boundaries, when he started hiding/deleting their conversations, when messages started to become inappropriate and more then just "work related." Essentially, I have my 2 timelines of both of these "start dates" and Iike you, the timeline of when the inappropriateness started was an extremely important and telling piece for me as well - if not more so then the physical part because it painted me a better picture of what I was working with.