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I am coming up on 3 years after asking for a divorce from my ex-husband that cheated on me 14 months after we got married.

I have since, moved states(twice), settled, tried dating, and proven my worth to myself. However, in therapy I am still BAWLING most times that my ex comes up. I am still SOOO angry that it is overwhelming with emotion still 3 years later. My therapist recommended that I write a letter to him, telling him/ asking him anything that I want. Once I am done with the letter i can decide if I want to send it or not.

I have heard this is a fairly common exercise, have you ever done this? How did it work for you? Did writing the letter actually help work through anything? Did you end up sending it/ confronting your ex?

Write it. Do not send it. Burn it.

He doesn't care. Why give him a window into your life? Why let him know, that three years later, his cheating a** is still relevant?

Continue IC. I find the more you talk about something, the less power it has. It takes time. Keep talking about your pain with friends family and your IC. It gets better, it really does.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:22 AM, September 11th (Friday)]

When ex comes to mind and I have something I need to say to him, I write it down. I vowed during the divorce that I was going to do it with dignity and grace which I am happy I did, but it kept me from having my say.

Sometimes what I write is vile and vicious, other times it's my feelings on the events of the affair and subsequent divorce. And other times it's telling him about the life events of his adult children that he is missing due to his choices and actions.

I have a stack of these notes and someday I will probably burn them. But it lets me have my say. I am able to write it down and let it go.

You can also post on the "stay no contact, post it here" thread. It helps. I've done that many times.

Trapped123

I am coming up on 3 years after asking for a divorce from my ex-husband that cheated on me 14 months after we got married.

I have since, moved states(twice), settled, tried dating, and proven my worth to myself. However, in therapy I am still BAWLING most times that my ex comes up. I am still SOOO angry that it is overwhelming with emotion still 3 years later. My therapist recommended that I write a letter to him, telling him/ asking him anything that I want. Once I am done with the letter i can decide if I want to send it or not.

I have heard this is a fairly common exercise, have you ever done this? How did it work for you? Did writing the letter actually help work through anything? Did you end up sending it/ confronting your ex?

I've heard it is an exercise too, but I completely agree with WhoTheBleep:

Write it. Do not send it. Burn it.

He doesn't care. Why give him a window into your life? Why let him know, that three years later, his cheating a** is still relevant?

Personally I'm not sure I believe the idea of closure, I think it's something that we want in the sense that we want to tie up our emotions and feelings and such but I don't think things work like that.

In my opinion what we want is an explanation from our idealized partner, not the real partner. The real partner is a flawed shitty human being who's made poor moral decisions because they are selfish unempathetic people. But we have trouble shaking the ideal partner. That's who we thought we were in a relationship with.

I'm beginning to realize I am a weirdo in that my experience and needs are vastly different is some ways than most on SI - in that I went through this exercise years ago (before I was married) to a LTR that had ended abruptly and strangely and hurtfully, out of the blue. I wrote the letter, didn't send it, and it drove me nuts - so eventually I sent it and I felt a LOT better.

I sent it for ME not for him. His reaction was not what I was after, so giving him "space in my head" didn't matter to me at all. As it turned out we talked once after I sent it, and I felt even better after that. I think that you have to get at what you want out of the exercise and work your way there. Similar to my long fuck you and you suck email to the AP (cced to my WH and the OBS) went against the grain here, it was one of the best things I did in all of this. In fact, I felt awesome for standing up for myself - the reaction (from both my EXLTR and the AP) was irrelevant to me (and in fact I expected radio silence from both, which did not happen in either case).

So it all depends - but start with writing it all out. That may be all you need. If it doesn't help, think about why...which is really the issue here. Why do YOU think you still feel this way - what are you hanging onto?

I think if you stop trying to “understand” the cheaters “why” you have a better chance of accepting the situation.

Closure and understanding and trying to make sense of everything was torture for me. Over analyzing everything was not good for me.

Yes it could be better for you to have that final opportunity to ask questions or tell the cheater how you feel. But if the cheater is like most typical cheaters, they can continue to lie and say more things to hurt you.

My protection was to insulate myself to avoid being hurt further.

I dated a serial cheater in my 20s. Someone had the courage to tell me the truth. At that second it was over. And I moved on. No further discussion necessary. I didn’t even tell him it was over until days later when he thought he was still invited to spend the Weekend with my family at our lake house. I just uninvited him. Moved on. I never sat and wondered “why wasn’t I good enough” but just mended my broken heart.

Because I decided giving him one more second of my thoughts was a waste of time.

Life is hard. People stink!!!! But healing yourself is your first priority. And living your best life is the best revenge.

Try seeing your counselor next time and stop talking about him. Try talking about your goals, your future, your opportunities etc.

I agree with the 1stWife - the "closure" I sought was to tell the AP and my WH off in no uncertain terms (and to include the OBS in my email as well to let him know he was not alone in feeling however he was feeling). I was NOT seeking answers or a response of any kind. If a response is what you are looking for I would say don't sent it. I felt better just hitting send.

In my opinion what we want is an explanation from our idealized partner, not the real partner. The real partner is a flawed shitty human being who's made poor moral decisions because they are selfish unempathetic people. But we have trouble shaking the ideal partner. That's who we thought we were in a relationship with.

I think this is exactly it. Even if we got them to put the mask back on and give us some fake empathy and sincerity and apologies, it means absolutely nothing. I know I got lots of those fake words. We already know that they aren't who they portrayed themselves to be, so their words are useless. Once I saw my XWH for who he actually is and accepted that he really thinks the way he does, I lost any need for closure and just concentrated on removing him from my existence.

Trapped, you were treated like shit by a shitty person. You did nothing to deserve it and there is no explanation for it that will make it okay. There's no magical explanation for his behavior that will make it anything other than what it was. You won't get what you need from him. The only real closure we get comes from us putting a period at the end of our time with them and moving forward without them.

I wrote one and it helped. I never sent it. Over a year later I saw it saved in a folder and read it. I was in such a better place my emotions no longer felt how they did when I wrote the letter. I would try writing it but never send it. He isn’t your husband or confidant anymore just someone you used to know. Do it for how you feel not him.

I’ll echo what RockstarDad and everyone has said. I too wrote a LONG letter to my XWW. I never sent it to her. About 2 years after Dday I found it and read it. I was amazed as I barely recognized who the person was that wrote. So much emotion, anger, even hatred. I also threw the letter away since finding it.

I’m at peace now and XWW occupies very little of my headspace. We are cordial (for kids sake) but aside from kid talk we don’t talk. We’re not rude....it’s just a very non-emotional business like conversation that pertains only to kids. She tries to small talk at times I shoot it down. I have no desire to have this person in my life anymore than necessary.

I recommend writing a letter. To get the emotion out. But I also recommend to NOT send it to your STBX. It will do nothing for you by sending it.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 8:44 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

I sent a letter to my XWS and I don’t regret doing so but it also didn’t help me very much or give me the closure I hoped it would. I never “got my say” when he left for another woman and I wanted to have that chance. However, I still think about how I should have worded the letter differently and whether I should have added stuff etc... In my letter I asked him not to reply but I found out through a mutual friend that he was “annoyed” by my letter and couldn’t believe it “wasn’t over it yet.” (Only 2 months after he left for the OW.) Hearing that made me realise that no matter what I wrote, he would never understand or care. That was a hard pill to swallow. I think if you are going to write it, do it 100% for yourself and realise that what you say will likely not affect or influence your X. Also write out lots of different versions of your letter and make it as long as you need it to be. (Don’t worry about the length, as I would hate for you to regret not saying something you really felt like you needed to say.) Once you’ve got your final version, sit with it for a few days to make sure you are completely happy with it and then send it off. Perhaps also ask your X not to reply, as they will likely not say what you want them to and will never give you the genuine apology you deserve. I hope this helps and you can find the closure you are looking for!

Even if we got them to put the mask back on and give us some fake empathy and sincerity and apologies, it means absolutely nothing. I know I got lots of those fake words. We already know that they aren't who they portrayed themselves to be, so their words are useless. Once I saw my XWH for who he actually is and accepted that he really thinks the way he does, I lost any need for closure and just concentrated on removing him from my existence.

This is so true. I have received numerous apologies from STBX but what he never did was hold himself accountable for his actions. There was always a "but..."

Any letter I would send to him would give him the attention he wants and does not deserve. It would tell him that I am still giving him headspace when he doesn't even deserve that.

I'm another for writing it out and then burning it.

When the divorce is finalized I plan on sending my STBXWW a short letter introducing a binder of all the evidence my PI gathered proving sexual trysts with at least twelve different men over the past four years, one of which was a long term PA. I am doing this because at this point in the game, while we are waiting for the divorce to be finalized, she knows that I know there have been many OMs, but she doesn't know how many of them I know about. When I send her the binder I will inform her that if I ever hear of her badmouthing or slandering me in public, in front of our daughters, or to any of those who are our mutual friends, then copies of that binder will magically make their way into the hands of key members of her family and friends.

It is my insurance against character assassination. She destroyed our marriage, our home and our family, but I'll be damned if she is going to trash my rep or make me out to be the bad man when the dust all clears.

Haven't written a letter, I write in my journal or in the NC forum here.

What I find myself doing lately, is talking back to my ex in my head. So I'd remember something he said and I would tell him off in my head in a way I didn't when I was still with him.

Now, months after we're done, sometimes I remember some of the mean things he said or some of the stupid bigoted shit he used to say and I catch myself going off at him in my head. Much in the same way as replaying an argument in your head when you take a shower and you realize all the things you could have said.

So weird

Westway, WOW! The fact that you have a binder of information is pretty amazing. My exWW saved and memorialized almost every email between her and POSOM in an app called Evernote, and I stumbled upon her treasure trove on our family iPad one day when picking it up after one of my daughters left it on the floor. I never shared everything that I found with her. Like your exWW, she knows that I know more than she's admitted to, but she doesn't know how I know or how much I know.

My advice is don't play all of your cards right away. By giving her the binder, you've played your hand. Why not start by giving her one or two names of guys you know she slept with? She won't know how you know or how much you know, and that will drive her crazy. It will have the same affect that your intending, but it will still give you more cards to play when needed.

The conventional wisdom is to write it, but don't send. Burn even as a therapeutic exercise. I followed that wisdom for years, then something happened to change it.

Like others have said, it always felt like there was no closure. I took the high road, went thru D with calm grace, yada yada yada.

About 5.5 hears after the D, my oldest DD was guardian and caregiver for 90+ yr old XMIL, Xhole's mother. He had abandoned his mother at the hospital. DD and I took care of her, listening to her endless crying about why her only child hates her so much. DD and I were livid at Xhole for what he did.

Even with that, XMIL wanted her precious POS son to have certain items. She was adamant, so I promised her I would deliver them.

And there was my opening.

I made sure to drop off the box at his front door late at night, when I knew he would be sleeping. In the box I wrote him a scathing letter, ripping him a new one for what he did to his mother as well as me. IIRC, it started with, "Hey Asshole!" I did not hold back.

I walked away with a smile on my face. I wasn't looking for a reaction or apology because I knew it would never come. I did it for me, to finally say things I held back for so long. It felt great and I have no regrets. I wrote nothing I would be ashamed to see plastered on the front page of a newspaper, and it was all verifiable truth. Maybe with some colorful descriptors added in.

I would not have done it if we were in the middle of the D as it can backfire (not good strategy). But plenty of time elapsed and I was in a good emotional place. I didn't NEED to send it, but the opportunity presented itself (needed to explain what the contents of the box was), and I took it. No regrets, and he has never said a word. But then this is the same guy who tried to get his own mother's funeral canceled because it wasn't convenient so concern for what others think isn't a real big priority for him.

Given that you are still very emotional, write but don't send. I shared my story to let you know the right time may present itself down the road when you least expect it (or not). By then you will be in a more healthy emotional place to deal with it.

I wrote a letter to him in 2003 after a DDay. I was preparing for D then. WH kept that letter in his underwear draw by the bed.

In 2019 when I was again preparing for separation, I found the letter and took it back.

My STBXWH promised to write me a letter of closure last year but the letter never came. His exit affair, Dday, TT and fake reconciliation negated anything he would have put in the letter.