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I'm on an OLD site. A man contacted me and left a nice message. I messaged him back. Within 24 hrs he asks for my # and calls. Out of the gate launches into his Church and would I go with him. He "doesn't want to fall in love and find out I'm not a believer" Well I am but we go to very different churches. I told him so and that I wasn't willing to change. He said he didn't expect me to and then went on to say he wouldn't either. I couldn't help that feel this was a red flag - one in the sense it was way too early to bring that subject up and two that he was planning long term. Then he went on about how gorgeous I am and when can we meet. He couldn't wait to meet me and take me out. I honestly wasn't ready to meet him right away - I just was happy to online chat for a while. He texts first thing am and last thing pm. I'm feeling rushed. Or am I just not ready.

Nooooooope. This guy sounds like he's way too desperate and way too pushy. Were it me, I would be yeeting this one back into the OLD void.

First, if you are asking us if you are ready or not... then you are not. When you are ready, YOU WILL KNOW IT.

Second, this dude is super creepy... red flags galore. Even if you are ready, stop communicating with this dude. Maybe I have seen to many movies, but it seems to me that the conclusion of a date with this guy would be you in a pit inside his basement and him saying "it rubs the lotion on its skin."

Third, you are apparently gorgeous. Ergo, you will have plenty of suitors and you can wait to find someone else.

Thank you Ellie and Barcher. I agree it feels creepy. I also agree that if I'm asking then clearly I'm not ready; at least not to jump in like this guy is. Don't know if I agree that I'm gorgeous lol - honestly that made me uncomfortable too. Not what you say it's how you say it.

How do I end this??? I haven't dated in over 25 years and I wasn't the one who ended my marriage so I'm the proverbial fish out of water.

Thanks you for you kind replies. I needed that :)

Probably too early, probably a red flag. Definitely doesn't come off too well, and either way you need to go at the pace you feel comfortable with.

But before everyone dogpiles on calling him a creep, I can understand the perspective if he's used online dating a lot.

I met xWW through one. A lot of women seem to complain about how some men see it as a numbers game but don't realize that usually men have to go through a lot of rejections before finding someone. I'm the type of person who wants to focus on one person while I date, and I did a lot of personal messaging rather than just throwing out things en masse and seeing what sticks.

You can say eventually it was a complete failure as all I got was xWW and look what happened to that. I learned to meet early because there were a number of women who didn't feel it after the first in-person meeting despite us talking daily for several weeks to a month or two. Most messages never even got a reply. Definitely not good to wait too long, but also not be this fast either. Either way, it was a LOT of wasted time for me.

Funny enough, xWW used to complain how few messages she got before she met me and it made her feel insecure in her looks lol. She had so many men messaging her (like an order of magnitude more than the women who'd reply to me) and never needed to send out a first message, only replies.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:06 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

You can tell him that you don't think you're a good match together. Or you can stop responding to him. Not sure if he will take "no" for an answer... He sounds like a OLD "lifer" who goes after all of the new ladies who join the OLD site.

I think you should wait a bit next time before giving out your number! You can also look into getting a Google number to use instead of your real number.

Him rushing things is a BIG red flag. You don't even have to respond to him if you don't want to or just say I don't think I'm ready to date yet.

How do I end this??? I haven't dated in over 25 years and I wasn't the one who ended my marriage so I'm the proverbial fish out of water.

Be firm and polite. Clearly say you aren't interested or not looking to go this fast. Don't give false hope. If he is a creep and goes off on you, block. If he isn't, he will appreciate the honesty and you not ghosting him.

Most sites let you do a lot of talking before you ever get to swapping phone #'s. I almost never gave my own phone number out, and for a time I even made a dedicated gmail account for email that I could reply to them if it got to that point.

In reading some of the other responses... I feel like what I find creepy is this...

Well I am but we go to very different churches. I told him so and that I wasn't willing to change. He said he didn't expect me to and then went on to say he wouldn't either.

This says... I want something long-term but hey... we are not compatible.

I am not religious or at least... that's something that I keep VERY private. I also tend to not trust people who are overtly religious because of past experiences with people who faked their faith.

Then he went on about how gorgeous I am and when can we meet.

To follow-up "we're not compatible long-term and that's what I want" with this line... just seems super creepy and disrespectful. Like he would say and do anything to get down your pants.

I recommend that you just ghost this guy.

How do I end this???

I personally wouldn't not ghost anybody because I find it rude. My standard reply was always: Thank you for your interest, but I don't believe we are a match. I wish you the best of luck in your continued search. Take care.

Most were appreciative of my honesty. A few replied rudely, but then I just blocked them.

And fyi, I never gave out my real phone number, address, or email to anybody, so they couldn't search for me on the internet. Better to be safe, than sorry.

Maybe it's just as a result of what I have been through, but my hackles IMMEDIATELY go up when someone starts gushing about how gorgeous I am...

I mean, I don't need to wear a sack over my head or anything, but when I start getting compliments like that from someone I barely know it just feels disingenuous.

I agree with ending things firmly and leaving no room for interpretation. "I hope you find what you're looking for, but I don't think we are a compatible match."

I mean, I don't need to wear a sack over my head or anything

I didn't much like that comment about being gorgeous either. It does feels weird for the same reasons.

I cut some slack for the church thing as that can be a big deal breaker down the road, and I can empathize - even if the execution is clumsy - with someone not wanting to get involved / wasting time / etc. xWW put down she was agnostic, when she was jewish and I christian - and while it didn't matter much to her or me, it did for her jewish friends and family. Her mother never accepted me. Her AP was jewish and that social circle literally cheered her on. It really left a bitter taste in my mouth. TBH I'd want to know early to avoid getting involved into that situation again. If you're both jewish or christian but go to different temples/churches at least that isn't that big of a divide.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 3:57 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

It really left a bitter taste in my mouth. TBH I'd want to know early to avoid getting involved into that situation again.

I just think religion is one of those areas where compatibility is really important. I'm not religious at all, and am not interested in someone who is. Not that I think it's wrong or bad, but just that a person to whom church/religion are a major thing would not be a good match for me personally. It would be a rare couple who could make different religious beliefs work in the long term IMHO.

I just think religion is one of those areas where compatibility is really important. I'm not religious at all, and am not interested in someone who is. Not that I think it's wrong or bad, but just that a person to whom church/religion are a major thing would not be a good match for me personally. It would be a rare couple who could make different religious beliefs work in the long term IMHO.

Yep. xWW was not religious which is why she put agnostic - and why I hoped it would work. She's "culturally jewish". And for that social circle / family I mentioned, they didn't care if you actually were religious and believed in god, just if your background was jewish. That's literally all they cared about. It entered more in into the realm of ethnicity than religious belief. Many of her friends were very secular, some outright athiest in actual religious belief.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 4:13 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

I've never done online dating. But in real life, any guy who brings up religion to me gets a big, fat X over his contact info. Big turn off.

Too soon? Probably since you feel you have to ask. I agree that you will know when you're ready.

Creepy? Yes! He's already talking long-term plans! I'd politely say thank you, but no thank you and good luck :-)

First off - trust your gut.

I did OLD for a good while so I have seen lots.

I just tell them "Sorry we are not a match but good luck on your endeavors"

That usually ends it. If they try to argue, then I blocked.

NOW....all that said, can I stick up for this guy for a second.

1 - I very much appreciated if a person had something that was really important to them, that they disclosed early. Meaning, I had guys with a text or two ask if I would remarry because that was their end game and if that wasn't for me (it wasn't), then there was no sense wasting either of our times and hearts. They were not rushing marriage, just wanted to make sure we were heading to the same goals.

I would say the same for this guy. Either he had a bad previous experience in a relation with his religion or it is very important to him. I know M folks that practice different faiths/different churches and are respectful of each other's religions without partaking. Whatever works for them.

This guy could just be clearing that up.

2 - Like you, I liked to text a while before I got to meet up. However, you will find you can text for a long time and click...then meet up and there is just no chemistry at all. So some like to meet quick. My cousin is like this, she will meet up for a quick coffee or dessert within one week so she isn't wasting time.

So this guy might not have anything wrong with him HOWEVER....do trust your gut. If it feels off, then next him.

Here is my OLD recs:

Never give your last name even after meeting a couple of times. Be careful to not give exact places you are a member or of work.

Personally, I never give my phone number since it shows up in an online search. Google phone is linked to my phone so it shows up after the first call for them so that doesn't work unless I delete my caller ID.

Emailing through the app a few times gives you a feeling of if they are capable of a normal back and forth conversation (Most aren't, they either talk all about themselves, or say you are attractive with an interesting Summary, but don't mention any details from it).

Emailing through the app more than a few times if things don't seem 'right', is a waste of time.

I believe if there is any hope, just meet up and then you will know more than a 1,000 emails will ever tell you.

When they are too quick to ask to meet and for a number I don't respond. To aggressive and why don't they want to check me out a bit first as well? I also don't believe in meeting once or twice and this magical spark is there. A real flame takes a little more knowing someone. A spark is just fleeting sexual attraction if it is there right away, nothing to get over-excited about and start life-plans over.

I agree with those that said to just let him know that you don't think you are a match. No reason to say any more than that. If he asks just tell him it doesn't 'feel' that way and you are very solid on that, which is the truth without going into him being weird :-)

Good luck and enjoy your dating experiences. It can be really enlightening, I have learned some great tips and enjoy being treated nicely, even if it is superficial.

Thanks everyone. Last week I let him know this was a "no go". He took it fine and wished me well. Phew! I'm taking a break for a while from on OLD. Also, will be looking into a google phone number. That was a great suggestion. Have a good week everyone!